Sweep the dirty stairs, the ones I waited on
The day before yesterday, Tim told me quite seriously that he thinks he is falling in love with me. It's an extraordinary thing to have happen to you. I don't think I have ever been told that by someone who actually believes it. I looked into his eyes and they were full of conviction. He meant it; Tim loves me. Tim is in love with me.
And suddenly, it was as though he'd put a name to feelings that I have been harbouring for a long time. Is it possible to be in love with someone that you rarely see, who has never kissed you and whom has hurt you so much that you didn't think you'd ever be able to forgive? Is is okay to say you love someone when you're only 17? I had obviously felt this was not the case, because I have never admitted to anyone that I might well be in love with him. Occasions like this add to my conviction that Tim, despite everything that has ever happened between us, is worth it. No one else has ever pre-empted my feelings or understood me so comprehensively as he does.
Possibly one of the most enjoyable things about being in a relationship with Tim is the final vindication of what has been my suspicion all along: that together we are excellent. Awkward questions have been posed, notably by Hat, who asked me on the phone yesterday just what it was I had with Nick. I suppose my answer is that I am pretty sure that there is no truth behind the idea that you can only ever be in love with just one person, that one day you'll find your soulmate and get married and have children and that's your only chance. I may well have been on my way to falling in love with Nick, but the truth was that I had blindly walked into a relationship with someone who was simply not who I believed them to be. Every few days I'll talk to a friend and new details that cast even more doubt on Nick's claim that he did want me and that he was never lying about that. If I go back over things that he said to me which really stood out and meant a lot, it takes no digging to find information that debunks those things. And while I was always honest about other love interests, or former interests (partciularly Tim), Nick completely failed to tell me about some girl from work whom he had 'known for a bit of fun' between breaking up with his last girlfriend and going out with me. What I have being trying to say, rather long-windedly, is that yes, I might have felt that strongly about Nick, but only if I had been able to carry on convincing myself that he was the honest, kind and refreshingly new addition to my life. I can see far too clearly now that he just isn't. I can also be grateful that Hat supplied me with the information that led to my ending of the relationship rather than keeping it from me, because if it had continued things could only have got worse and I would have ended up being far more hurt by it than I am now.
That turned into a long ramble.
Tomorrow is going to be the turning point of my summer holiday. It's my AS Level results day (equivalent to like, half a N.E.W.T, lol), and I'm nervous. I'm fairly relaxed during my school year and even at exam time, but how ever many people tell me that my results are bound to be good, I always start feeling ill when it comes to this time of year. Actually, I seem to be less nervous than I was at this time last year, when I had about five nightmares in a row. That's possibly because nothing can put me in a bad mood at the moment; without Tim around, I'd probably be a wreck. Tomorrow is also the last day I will see Tim for a week and quite a bit. He goes to Boston on Friday, then he's got a couple of days at home before he goes to the Reading festival for a weekend.
After tomorrow, I have to force myself to start thinking about serious and important things, like my university applications and my history coursework title. I have a fair amount of extra reading to get done. I need to decide which college to apply at in Oxford University. But untill Friday, I intend to enjoy my freedom as much as possible. Tim stayed over on Monday night, then I went for dinner with Ellis and Ellie last night. Tim is coming back tonight and I think he wants to take me out after results day (it's his too, he gets his A Level results. I don't think he's that nervous really, seeing as he's got an unconditional offer from Falmouth).
The final thing I have to say is that Tim bought me a present on Monday: 'The Complete Guide to Long Distance Relationships'. He's really serious about the whole thing.
And suddenly, it was as though he'd put a name to feelings that I have been harbouring for a long time. Is it possible to be in love with someone that you rarely see, who has never kissed you and whom has hurt you so much that you didn't think you'd ever be able to forgive? Is is okay to say you love someone when you're only 17? I had obviously felt this was not the case, because I have never admitted to anyone that I might well be in love with him. Occasions like this add to my conviction that Tim, despite everything that has ever happened between us, is worth it. No one else has ever pre-empted my feelings or understood me so comprehensively as he does.
Possibly one of the most enjoyable things about being in a relationship with Tim is the final vindication of what has been my suspicion all along: that together we are excellent. Awkward questions have been posed, notably by Hat, who asked me on the phone yesterday just what it was I had with Nick. I suppose my answer is that I am pretty sure that there is no truth behind the idea that you can only ever be in love with just one person, that one day you'll find your soulmate and get married and have children and that's your only chance. I may well have been on my way to falling in love with Nick, but the truth was that I had blindly walked into a relationship with someone who was simply not who I believed them to be. Every few days I'll talk to a friend and new details that cast even more doubt on Nick's claim that he did want me and that he was never lying about that. If I go back over things that he said to me which really stood out and meant a lot, it takes no digging to find information that debunks those things. And while I was always honest about other love interests, or former interests (partciularly Tim), Nick completely failed to tell me about some girl from work whom he had 'known for a bit of fun' between breaking up with his last girlfriend and going out with me. What I have being trying to say, rather long-windedly, is that yes, I might have felt that strongly about Nick, but only if I had been able to carry on convincing myself that he was the honest, kind and refreshingly new addition to my life. I can see far too clearly now that he just isn't. I can also be grateful that Hat supplied me with the information that led to my ending of the relationship rather than keeping it from me, because if it had continued things could only have got worse and I would have ended up being far more hurt by it than I am now.
That turned into a long ramble.
Tomorrow is going to be the turning point of my summer holiday. It's my AS Level results day (equivalent to like, half a N.E.W.T, lol), and I'm nervous. I'm fairly relaxed during my school year and even at exam time, but how ever many people tell me that my results are bound to be good, I always start feeling ill when it comes to this time of year. Actually, I seem to be less nervous than I was at this time last year, when I had about five nightmares in a row. That's possibly because nothing can put me in a bad mood at the moment; without Tim around, I'd probably be a wreck. Tomorrow is also the last day I will see Tim for a week and quite a bit. He goes to Boston on Friday, then he's got a couple of days at home before he goes to the Reading festival for a weekend.
After tomorrow, I have to force myself to start thinking about serious and important things, like my university applications and my history coursework title. I have a fair amount of extra reading to get done. I need to decide which college to apply at in Oxford University. But untill Friday, I intend to enjoy my freedom as much as possible. Tim stayed over on Monday night, then I went for dinner with Ellis and Ellie last night. Tim is coming back tonight and I think he wants to take me out after results day (it's his too, he gets his A Level results. I don't think he's that nervous really, seeing as he's got an unconditional offer from Falmouth).
The final thing I have to say is that Tim bought me a present on Monday: 'The Complete Guide to Long Distance Relationships'. He's really serious about the whole thing.