Running from something I cannot name.

Jun 02, 2012 09:21

Its rare that I bother to write anything here anymore... my world seems to be getting smaller and smaller, and it seems that I am happy for that to happen.

For reasons of confidentiality, and the risk of a $10,000 fine and loss of my job, I cannot ever write what happened to me. I once mentioned it in a Facebook post, not specifics, but just the act, and I was gently told by my boss to remove the post and refrain from mentioning it further incase my big bosses see it and I get in trouble. So now it feels like something of a dirty little secret...

Which in part has broadened my problem. See, I have now been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. I have trialled one medication with no success, and am now trialling another. I spent about a month at work before the medication trials, when it seemed that I was OK. I was doing 2 days a week, 3 hours a day. The problem being that every time I walked into my place of work I felt more and more freaked out, until I walked into work on the 3 month anniversary of the "incident" and fell apart. My doctor has not let me return to work since, and he and Workcover have spoken about the possibility of needing to find me a new job...

I don't want a new job. I want to be a nurse. I want to spend my days helping people and giving them some dignity. I want to care for people. I went to uni for 3 years to do this... and it has been taken away from me like a cruel punishment, through no fault of my own. It fucking sucks.

So now I trial these new tablets, where every day brings a new and interesting set of side effects that present at will, with no apparent pattern. Dizziness, waves of crippling nausea, heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, headaches, dry mouth, abdominal cramping, brain fog, visual disturbances... fun shit like that. I spent the first 2 days inside my home. The third day I ventured out to do the shopping in the afternoon. That sinister, sick part of me reared her head while we were out, when I saw a little kid running fast toward me. I wanted to stick my foot out and trip him over. Is that wrong? Apparently Turtle felt the same, so it is either OK, or we are both sick puppies :) The thing is, a kid was running toward me, and I didn't feel freaked out. Shellie's dog ran toward me and I freaked out, and I have turned to see a physio standing right in front of me, which freaked the shit out of me... but I was OK yesterday. I hope this is a sign of things to come... because I am sick of feeling scared all the time. Mind you, it could also be that I am losing my compassion... because I can't stand the thought of disabled people near me - that is a direct result of what happened to me.

Tomorrow morning I will be heading to the Nursing Expo. I HAVE to go this year, because if I am possibly being shunted into a new position, I at least want some say in what I do. I need to explore the possibilities of where this piece of paper from the uni will take me. I need to know what post-grad courses I could do and where they could take me. I need free pens and bottles of hand sanitiser!

Tomorrow afternoon will see us head to North Adelaide, where Michaela and Kristian will be extras in the new Fruchocs commercial. It isn't a paid gig, but it will give Michaela a good idea of what advertising for television involves, incase she ever gets TV modelling jobs. Plus, there are free nibbles, drinks and all the Fruchocs we can eat. Can't argue with free Fruchocs! I was asked to be in the ad too, but I politely told the advertising manager that I would definitely prefer to stay behind the cameras. If I wore brown, I could probably pass for a Fruchoc hehheh. Mind you, I have lost a fair bit of weight recently, so I'm not as round as I once was...

Michaela has broadened her extracurricular activities to include Liturgical Dance at school. She will be dancing at this Thursday's Corpus Cristi Mass at St Ignatius Church in Norwood (the school's church, and also our chosen Parish church). She has to wear white ankle socks, a t-shirt and a pair of leggings. They will be given a skirt to wear. I have seen the Liturgical Dancers at different masses, and they really do look lovely. They provide a nice, graceful sight to reflect on at key points during the mass. Michaela will be dancing alongside her friend Ella. I have no doubt they will do well. Part of me wants to sneak into the church and watch...

I can't believe that in four weeks Michaela will be on holidays again. This year has flown by so fast... and I realised last night that this year is 20 years since I started going to Mary MacKillop College. It is fitting that it is Michaela's first year there, too...

The fact that we are now halfway into the year is strange. I don't remember too much about the past 5 months or so. All I know is that I have been scared of everything. I am not sure what will happen to me in regards to work... and at the moment I don't really want to think too much about it. I want to fight to get better... I don't want to feel scared forever.
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