(no subject)
I've been in such a fog lately. I cravecravecrave absolute solitude for a day. To just not be observed by silently curious, judging eyes for a day. My grandmother specifically. She is ALWAYS IN THE KITCHEN. She doesn't leave it. It's not like I'm looking at questionable content on the internet (not that she can understand anyway, she doesn't speak/read/understand english so my slashyness doesn't bother her...) but why are there so many ads of naked girls on every website. I feel like I'm looking at porn every time I click a new link. Really, internet world. come on. I would just like to move around the first floor without being bothered with a different person in every room. Meaning, my grandma in the kitchen and my brother eternally in the living room in front of the television. And the rooms don't have doors, they're just kind of general openings. There is a wall between the living room and this room, but no doors!
I'm sorry I'm not really answering anyone, I am just so scattered that I don't even know where to begin. And I have such a headache. I went to sleep at 2 in the morning and woke up at noon again. Usually, I wake up before noon and just lounge in bed, Elin knows the feeling don't you darling, and force myself to get up at 12, but today I actually didn't even wake up before 12. Erica called me then and we talked about Gary and Long Island and buses.
Greg has emailed me twice since the last email to ask what is going on. Why doesn't he take a hint? Active ignoring = not interested.
(Why is Brian Molko starting to look like Boy George? Gasp! Sacrilegious? I know. But honestly...with the shaved head and the itty-bitty amount of weight gain has... lol, okay, I'll stop. Plus, Brian's eyes are prettier.)
This whole mental power-struggle with my parents is driving me insane. I can't even listen to music on my computer when I know my dad is within hearing range. Everything I do makes me feel so ashamed of myself. I feel like I'm never doing the right thing. I mean, I know I'm not, yeah, I know that, but the way my dad makes me feel guilty without even trying (maybe without even meaning to) is just fucking spectacular. He should get an award. How to make your child feel like scum - you don't even have to look at them...you don't even have to be in the same room as them - you can be in the next room watching tv and they will kill themselves in front of their computer screen out of sheer agony and shame.
My parents are going to be home in an hour, and I feel like the day didn't even start yet, considering I woke up six and a half hours ago. I've started turning off the computer and going to my room as soon as they are home, but I hate doing that. It depresses me so much. I hate being in there. It's so closed off. I mean, yeah, I have a lot of stuff in it (no television or computer), I have a lot of books (a lot, lol) and paper and music and pens and gel pens and makeup and such, but all I do when I walk in is lay down and sleep with my eyes open. I can't take this anymore. I can't spend every evening like this. I'm drained of energy and motivation and ..., lust for life, so to speak.
I wish there was somewhere to go around here. I honestly despise this city. You'd think that since there are no people here, it's be comfortable, but they pop up from the strangest places, and I can never relax. It's so much more intimate in places like brooklyn and manhattan. I hate this suburban lifestyle.
And then my thoughts span over all the depressing terrain...what am I going to do with my future. I refuse to grow up in this house. I want to go somewhere else. Finland yes please. The only thing that stops me from making big dreams is that I never believe in myself enough to allow myself to dream. It's dangerous. But then, without dreams... I don't know where I'm going with that tangent.
And commentary on the DVD "Sexie".... That, sir, is a dangerous skirt you're wearing. I'm not sure the front row signed up for that kind of show. Lol, and definite props to the other Troll... he definitely made my week. My favorite was the axis of evil thing and the conversations with Bush...oh! And the British national anthem performed with a dash of Portishead! Genius, man, genius. And nice singing voice too.
Elin...darling, doll. My heart was a stone...a stone covered in moss...but then you came and I've learned to see beauty in the snowflake on the eyelash of a startled deer and in the picture of a dog with the deer hunting hat and a pipe and let's kill those yuppies that go fox-hunting. I'm not sure how I'd feel about the chicken if it was hunted by a mouse on a cat. With a pistol, was it? Table leg table straight leg axis makes an n n n n n N N N N, and I'm renting a hotel room with a dolphin in the bathub. The hippies can bake hash shepard's pie for me in the meanwhile. I love you, sweet.
I'm sorry I'm not really answering anyone, I am just so scattered that I don't even know where to begin. And I have such a headache. I went to sleep at 2 in the morning and woke up at noon again. Usually, I wake up before noon and just lounge in bed, Elin knows the feeling don't you darling, and force myself to get up at 12, but today I actually didn't even wake up before 12. Erica called me then and we talked about Gary and Long Island and buses.
Greg has emailed me twice since the last email to ask what is going on. Why doesn't he take a hint? Active ignoring = not interested.
(Why is Brian Molko starting to look like Boy George? Gasp! Sacrilegious? I know. But honestly...with the shaved head and the itty-bitty amount of weight gain has... lol, okay, I'll stop. Plus, Brian's eyes are prettier.)
This whole mental power-struggle with my parents is driving me insane. I can't even listen to music on my computer when I know my dad is within hearing range. Everything I do makes me feel so ashamed of myself. I feel like I'm never doing the right thing. I mean, I know I'm not, yeah, I know that, but the way my dad makes me feel guilty without even trying (maybe without even meaning to) is just fucking spectacular. He should get an award. How to make your child feel like scum - you don't even have to look at them...you don't even have to be in the same room as them - you can be in the next room watching tv and they will kill themselves in front of their computer screen out of sheer agony and shame.
My parents are going to be home in an hour, and I feel like the day didn't even start yet, considering I woke up six and a half hours ago. I've started turning off the computer and going to my room as soon as they are home, but I hate doing that. It depresses me so much. I hate being in there. It's so closed off. I mean, yeah, I have a lot of stuff in it (no television or computer), I have a lot of books (a lot, lol) and paper and music and pens and gel pens and makeup and such, but all I do when I walk in is lay down and sleep with my eyes open. I can't take this anymore. I can't spend every evening like this. I'm drained of energy and motivation and ..., lust for life, so to speak.
I wish there was somewhere to go around here. I honestly despise this city. You'd think that since there are no people here, it's be comfortable, but they pop up from the strangest places, and I can never relax. It's so much more intimate in places like brooklyn and manhattan. I hate this suburban lifestyle.
And then my thoughts span over all the depressing terrain...what am I going to do with my future. I refuse to grow up in this house. I want to go somewhere else. Finland yes please. The only thing that stops me from making big dreams is that I never believe in myself enough to allow myself to dream. It's dangerous. But then, without dreams... I don't know where I'm going with that tangent.
And commentary on the DVD "Sexie".... That, sir, is a dangerous skirt you're wearing. I'm not sure the front row signed up for that kind of show. Lol, and definite props to the other Troll... he definitely made my week. My favorite was the axis of evil thing and the conversations with Bush...oh! And the British national anthem performed with a dash of Portishead! Genius, man, genius. And nice singing voice too.
Elin...darling, doll. My heart was a stone...a stone covered in moss...but then you came and I've learned to see beauty in the snowflake on the eyelash of a startled deer and in the picture of a dog with the deer hunting hat and a pipe and let's kill those yuppies that go fox-hunting. I'm not sure how I'd feel about the chicken if it was hunted by a mouse on a cat. With a pistol, was it? Table leg table straight leg axis makes an n n n n n N N N N, and I'm renting a hotel room with a dolphin in the bathub. The hippies can bake hash shepard's pie for me in the meanwhile. I love you, sweet.