|Truth Time People|
So. I am going to be as straightforward with this as I can without singling people out.
I have been contemplating this for months. Every time I start to type this up I somehow talk myself out of it. I feel that I am being whiny or paranoid and that this is really of no importance and that nothing will be accomplished by this but the need to talk keeps creeping up inside of me. Well, after much thought, I have decided to go ahead and do this. Part of my friends list will skip over this as it doesn't pertain to them, part of it will (most likely) comfort me or tell me I am crazy, and the other part will skip it completely even though they are the part who really needs to read this. Either way I figure I needed to stop chickening out and get it off my chest. It is better to know the truth than to live everyday questioning. Here we go.
I started 2008 out with a lot of very close friends and as the first couple months passed, I gained more friends. By late March/early April it looked like 2008 (despite some failed romance) was finally the year I had been looking for. For years I had wanted to branch out, widen my circle of friends, get to know more people, and feel generally better about myself. There for awhile that is what I felt. Then suddenly....no...suddenly isn't the best word because it wasn't exactly sudden. It happened slowly but quickly. Either way, I noticed that some of my older friendships, which had seemed to be getting stronger, were fading away. Friends who I had known for so long were becoming distant and new friends who I thought were getting closer were suddenly weird toward me. I noticed it most in the months following Otakon. I don't know what changed but suddenly things were just weird. No explanations, just poof, gone. Happy times came with the news of my graduation and very few people were there for me. Rough times came with the news of my surgery and the long road it has traveled and once again, very few people there for me. Nothing, just weirdness.
I am the kind of person who likes to know when I do something or something happens that pisses someone off. I like to talk about it then and resolve whatever problem there may be so that we can work on it, get past it, and grow stronger from it. I am also not the kind of person who will walk up and say "hey, is something wrong here" because in the past when I have done that it has turned out that I was just being paranoid and it has ended up hurting my friendships. This time I don't think I am being paranoid. Not entirely at least. That is why I am typing this. I need some closure. I need the truth. If I am being paranoid, then tell me. If I have done something to upset you, then tell me. If I have done something to make you happy, then tell me. Let me go into 2009 knowing what my friends are thinking instead of spending my alone time wondering if I have done something wrong.
I know that my moving and my not having a lot of money to go places has had an impact on a lot of my friendships and I am sorry for this. Now that I am looking for a good job and starting a stable and independent life, I am hoping to visit a lot more of you and try to take part in a lot more activities. That is another reason why I need some clarity. Some explanations.
I also wanna say this. To the friends out there who have stuck by me and supported me through my surgeries and graduating and everything and who helped in giving me some very good memories of 2008, I just want to say thank you soooo very much. I don't want this to make you feel unappreciated. You are very much appreciated. Thank you for all your well wishes and your good lucks. They meant the world to me these last few months and have kept me from going crazy during my recovery. To everyone who will read this, I love everyone of you. My friends mean the world to me. Even if you have given up on me or have some problems that I am unaware of, you still mean something to me and I still care about you.
I am leaving this as a public entry cause there are some people who have very randomly removed me from their friends list with no explanations. This will remain public in the hopes that they will see it and problems (if they exist) can be resolved. Comments are screened so that people can share with me what they are feeling. Please, if I have done anything at all to upset any of you I am begging you, please, let me know. I want to go into 2009 feeling good instead of feeling like I have somehow failed people. And if being stuck in the house for 3 weeks has made me crazy and I am being silly, dear God someone tell me. Lol.
I have been contemplating this for months. Every time I start to type this up I somehow talk myself out of it. I feel that I am being whiny or paranoid and that this is really of no importance and that nothing will be accomplished by this but the need to talk keeps creeping up inside of me. Well, after much thought, I have decided to go ahead and do this. Part of my friends list will skip over this as it doesn't pertain to them, part of it will (most likely) comfort me or tell me I am crazy, and the other part will skip it completely even though they are the part who really needs to read this. Either way I figure I needed to stop chickening out and get it off my chest. It is better to know the truth than to live everyday questioning. Here we go.
I started 2008 out with a lot of very close friends and as the first couple months passed, I gained more friends. By late March/early April it looked like 2008 (despite some failed romance) was finally the year I had been looking for. For years I had wanted to branch out, widen my circle of friends, get to know more people, and feel generally better about myself. There for awhile that is what I felt. Then suddenly....no...suddenly isn't the best word because it wasn't exactly sudden. It happened slowly but quickly. Either way, I noticed that some of my older friendships, which had seemed to be getting stronger, were fading away. Friends who I had known for so long were becoming distant and new friends who I thought were getting closer were suddenly weird toward me. I noticed it most in the months following Otakon. I don't know what changed but suddenly things were just weird. No explanations, just poof, gone. Happy times came with the news of my graduation and very few people were there for me. Rough times came with the news of my surgery and the long road it has traveled and once again, very few people there for me. Nothing, just weirdness.
I am the kind of person who likes to know when I do something or something happens that pisses someone off. I like to talk about it then and resolve whatever problem there may be so that we can work on it, get past it, and grow stronger from it. I am also not the kind of person who will walk up and say "hey, is something wrong here" because in the past when I have done that it has turned out that I was just being paranoid and it has ended up hurting my friendships. This time I don't think I am being paranoid. Not entirely at least. That is why I am typing this. I need some closure. I need the truth. If I am being paranoid, then tell me. If I have done something to upset you, then tell me. If I have done something to make you happy, then tell me. Let me go into 2009 knowing what my friends are thinking instead of spending my alone time wondering if I have done something wrong.
I know that my moving and my not having a lot of money to go places has had an impact on a lot of my friendships and I am sorry for this. Now that I am looking for a good job and starting a stable and independent life, I am hoping to visit a lot more of you and try to take part in a lot more activities. That is another reason why I need some clarity. Some explanations.
I also wanna say this. To the friends out there who have stuck by me and supported me through my surgeries and graduating and everything and who helped in giving me some very good memories of 2008, I just want to say thank you soooo very much. I don't want this to make you feel unappreciated. You are very much appreciated. Thank you for all your well wishes and your good lucks. They meant the world to me these last few months and have kept me from going crazy during my recovery. To everyone who will read this, I love everyone of you. My friends mean the world to me. Even if you have given up on me or have some problems that I am unaware of, you still mean something to me and I still care about you.
I am leaving this as a public entry cause there are some people who have very randomly removed me from their friends list with no explanations. This will remain public in the hopes that they will see it and problems (if they exist) can be resolved. Comments are screened so that people can share with me what they are feeling. Please, if I have done anything at all to upset any of you I am begging you, please, let me know. I want to go into 2009 feeling good instead of feeling like I have somehow failed people. And if being stuck in the house for 3 weeks has made me crazy and I am being silly, dear God someone tell me. Lol.