amusing dialogue
-Oh, by the way, Stuart’s thinking of getting a newt
-AWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
-...Ow....
-That’s so cute! What’s kind? Is it coming to uni with him? What’s he calling it?
-I don’t know, but I’ll ask him next time I see him
-I’m sorry, did I break your ears just now
-Slightly, yes
-Sorry, it’s just it’s so cute and I just MwAAWWWWWWWWWW!
-Ok so you apologise for doing something and then you do it again?!
-Oo! I have a problem!
-Just the one?
-Yes. And as a matter of fact it’s to do with you!
-Oh, so it’s me that’s the problem now?
-Not usually. You just need to understand something. I know you don’t mean to do it, and you really are very caring most of the time. But you have to understand, I am a grown woman now and when you keep telling me what to do I just feel: (suddenly high-pitched and indistinguishable) thatyoudon’tunderstandandit’sreallyunfairandicanlookaftermyselfandstopbeingsoMEAN!
-I’m sorry-
-S’Ok....I just want-
-No, I mean ‘I’m sorry, what are you saying’? I couldn’t understand what you were saying.
- (Meaningfully) I think we all know that that’s your biggest problem. Oh when will you understand tom?
-What?
-Perhaps you need to listen to else first Tom, perhaps you should take the time to understand a little person we all know could use some love. Do you know what this person’s name is?
-Don’t...
- (Whispers meaningfully) it’s TOM
- (with exasperation) Oh God...
-......listen to yourself and take some time to love yourself and maybe you find, what you’re looking for....
-You know you really are a fruit loop.
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-Ok you can drink just don’t kiss me ok?
-Why? Bad breath?
-No, you turn into a creepy-kisser-man when you’re drunk. Want to see?
-Uh...no thanks...
-C’mon, come here, come here I’ll show you
-Urp..(She kisses him in a long and complicated looking way)
-...you see?
-Yes, ok, I won’t do that again.
-I mean you licked MY TEETH. See how I licked your teeth, it’s not nice, don’t do it.
-Ok
-Good cos I don’t need you to lick my teeth, I have a dentist for that, ok?
-.....your dentist licks your teeth?
-Noooo...
-I guess it pays to go private...
-Stop it!
-Maybe I should switch to your dentist
-Shut up, you know what I mean!
-Talk about an interesting take on ‘oral hygiene’
- (points) BEGONE.
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-I say, this is marvellous!
-Ripping!
-Jolly Terrific!
-I say chaps, these calls for a needlessly camp cheer. Ready?
- (Flinging their arms in the air, in a very girlish tone they say hurray but say it to rhyme with ‘daisies) HURRAY-SIES!
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Ooooh nooo....it’ll all end in tears!
Look, maybe she’s not all that bad, he can look after himself, it’ll be ok!
No it won’t. I love him to bits but he’s a bit dim in the head when it comes to women.
Well he’s been asking for my advice a lot more recently. Apparently she keeps splitting up and get back together with her boyfriend but she keeps saying that she really cares about Stuart and really wants them to be together.
-Well she really does she’s going the wrong bloody way about it.
-Apparently she just feels obligated to stay with her boyfriend for a bit longer, she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.
-She slept with someone else!!
-Yeah, but she said she’s just confused. He said they talked it over and he really thinks they could be good together and he asked me what I think.
-I’ll tell you what I think, that girl is trouble! He should stop roseying it up and face the facts; she cheated on her precious boyfriend and is now fucking around with both him and Stuart! She’s whoring for attention-she just doesn’t know who will give her the most yet! Why don’t people bloody listen to me when it comes to stuff like this. I’m practically the wise woman of the forest! If I had any more insight, I’d spend life staring at my own brain!
Look, I’ll prove it. Have you noticed that every girl Stuart has set his sights on has been the same? He’s going on and on about how rich he is and how fantastic in bed he is and he’s surprised when the only women he attracts are gold-diggers or whores! It’s the male equivalent of a girl going out with her tits hanging out of a t-shirt that says “Will drop pants for beer”!
-...Why don’t ever meet those kinds of women..?
-Be serious. What I’m saying is that even though he comes across as mister invincible, advertising reasons why he is worth manipulating is like randomly exposing a blindingly obvious weak-spot. In other words, he’s House-of-the-Dead-ing!