(no subject)
Parker tries not to think about him, but when he's smoking outside bars, he sketches his cigarette to the word Jack and tries to breathe.
Other times, he really doesn't think of Jack, too far into the game to have time for thoughts other than those that help survival. And his survival means not being distracted, so he picks up whatever catches his eye and makes him think about how good it would look in a room made up in potential.
He buys them all because it keeps him not distracted, it keeps him on topic, on lesson. He stays focused by avoiding anything that would make him think about Jack more than a split second and not buying them would be more distracting than buying them.
For a while now, he's tried saying, "I love you" without the words, a game in silent signing, a game in listen to my body, not my words.
Then he said it and it was so startling and so true, but the last two people he loved ended both times with him spectacularly ruined, a shell of a person, insides falling out through his clutching fingers.
Vaguely, he wonders if love can be this soft and creep in through friendship like something malignant. He wonders if this is how it's supposed to feel, soft and quiet and wanting. In the background, he's jealous of something unspecified, maybe himself, something that could take this feeling of contentment and terror away. He's terrified of losing Jack, he's terrified of loving him too intensely, he's terrified of reaching out for something more from Jack and finding out that Jack doesn't want it the way that he does.
In California, he finds a bracelet, a thick leather thing that looks like the antithesis of Jack, so he buys it and attaches a card, "To Frost" he writes.
The message is unclear, whether he's implying that he knows Frost owns Jack before Parker or whether he's implying the impossibility of owning another person. Maybe he just saw it and thought that it looked like something Frost would wear.
He writes another note and tapes it to the first one.
"I don't know how to love him without losing him."
And that one is vague as well, because he knows that Frost hates him, thinks he's no good for Jack and that he should leave gently, in pieces so that he's gone but Jack doesn't wake terrified. But, Parker knows that losing Jack would send him over an edge he hasn't mounted yet, plummeting because there's only so many times a heart can break before it heals over in pieces.
He writes no note for Jack, but leaves the gifts with Bar, separating out Frost's gift and saving it on its own. He's not sure yet if he wants Jack to see it.
Then he leaves, fleeing quickly and spends the night writing, "Jack" in the steam from his shower. His reflection is blurry except for where Jack's name makes him clear and distinct, a sharp clarification of himself in Jack's name.
Other times, he really doesn't think of Jack, too far into the game to have time for thoughts other than those that help survival. And his survival means not being distracted, so he picks up whatever catches his eye and makes him think about how good it would look in a room made up in potential.
He buys them all because it keeps him not distracted, it keeps him on topic, on lesson. He stays focused by avoiding anything that would make him think about Jack more than a split second and not buying them would be more distracting than buying them.
For a while now, he's tried saying, "I love you" without the words, a game in silent signing, a game in listen to my body, not my words.
Then he said it and it was so startling and so true, but the last two people he loved ended both times with him spectacularly ruined, a shell of a person, insides falling out through his clutching fingers.
Vaguely, he wonders if love can be this soft and creep in through friendship like something malignant. He wonders if this is how it's supposed to feel, soft and quiet and wanting. In the background, he's jealous of something unspecified, maybe himself, something that could take this feeling of contentment and terror away. He's terrified of losing Jack, he's terrified of loving him too intensely, he's terrified of reaching out for something more from Jack and finding out that Jack doesn't want it the way that he does.
In California, he finds a bracelet, a thick leather thing that looks like the antithesis of Jack, so he buys it and attaches a card, "To Frost" he writes.
The message is unclear, whether he's implying that he knows Frost owns Jack before Parker or whether he's implying the impossibility of owning another person. Maybe he just saw it and thought that it looked like something Frost would wear.
He writes another note and tapes it to the first one.
"I don't know how to love him without losing him."
And that one is vague as well, because he knows that Frost hates him, thinks he's no good for Jack and that he should leave gently, in pieces so that he's gone but Jack doesn't wake terrified. But, Parker knows that losing Jack would send him over an edge he hasn't mounted yet, plummeting because there's only so many times a heart can break before it heals over in pieces.
He writes no note for Jack, but leaves the gifts with Bar, separating out Frost's gift and saving it on its own. He's not sure yet if he wants Jack to see it.
Then he leaves, fleeing quickly and spends the night writing, "Jack" in the steam from his shower. His reflection is blurry except for where Jack's name makes him clear and distinct, a sharp clarification of himself in Jack's name.