misterobnoxious
It's been a while since I've posted here. That's not to say that I haven't been checking my friend's list compulsively; quite the contrary, to be honest.
A comment today made me realize something about this account. I created this way back at the beginning of high school, when I was trying to define myself. I tried to think of a word that would fit my personality, one that I had yet to create for myself. I though obnoxious would be a good one, and built my four walls around it. Little did I know that trapping myself in this little box of limited actions, emotions, and personalities. Little did I know that I was building walls on bridges that had yet to be built. I was drowning myself in what I thought I should be. Slowly filling the glass cube to the brim, I was suffocating.
College came around where I met many different sides of myself. It was like the cube had shattered, and the light reflecting off the prisms caused by the beautiful but deadly shards in harmony with the bending light passing through the rushing water showed me distorted versions of myself. Some were good some were bad. But the fact was that they were not the same. Not the same me, the me I had created.
what is my point? In trying to create myself, I actually played a role in creating myself, if that makes sense. It's summed up by André Gide in Nouvelles Nourritures. ""Know thyself" - a maxim as pernicious as it is odious. A person observing himself would arrest his own development. Any caterpillar who tried to "know himself" would never become a butterfly."
You know I love quotes. Especially quotes that I can look at and reflect upon. Do I regret it? no, it just means that I spent a little more time in my cocoon or chrysalis or what have you. Would things be different otherwise? Of course. Do I wish I knew what the other options were? Who doesn't. But that's the old me. It's learning about living and loving the what you can't have and what you got, the here and the now, the today that's important.
Penultimate point - you can't label yourself as something and just keep living that way. As Whitney would say, it's not okay. It's not okay to act as a jackass, just because you labeled yourself as a jackass. Telling someone I'm an asshole and then acting assholish is "not okay". Just because it's labeled doesn't give you a permit, which I thought I had back then, and which I know now I did not have. Overcoming denial is only the first step. You know you're an asshole? then move on to step two. I'll be here to help you cross that line, whether it be me extending my hand to you and helping you over, or me sticking my foot in front of you and pushing you from behind. And trust me, I prefer the latter.
Ultimate point - there is an oasis of profound thoughts, which can only be reached when you don't mean to reach it. But the oasis is double edged - one in that it's so difficult to reach, and the other is that you think the thoughts are profound. Actually they are the shitty words that crap out of your mouth when you have a shit ton of work to do, you're behind in everything, you just spent the last week doing nothing, and your motivation is shot.
Expect a new journal, although I feel that I am always promising those.
A comment today made me realize something about this account. I created this way back at the beginning of high school, when I was trying to define myself. I tried to think of a word that would fit my personality, one that I had yet to create for myself. I though obnoxious would be a good one, and built my four walls around it. Little did I know that trapping myself in this little box of limited actions, emotions, and personalities. Little did I know that I was building walls on bridges that had yet to be built. I was drowning myself in what I thought I should be. Slowly filling the glass cube to the brim, I was suffocating.
College came around where I met many different sides of myself. It was like the cube had shattered, and the light reflecting off the prisms caused by the beautiful but deadly shards in harmony with the bending light passing through the rushing water showed me distorted versions of myself. Some were good some were bad. But the fact was that they were not the same. Not the same me, the me I had created.
what is my point? In trying to create myself, I actually played a role in creating myself, if that makes sense. It's summed up by André Gide in Nouvelles Nourritures. ""Know thyself" - a maxim as pernicious as it is odious. A person observing himself would arrest his own development. Any caterpillar who tried to "know himself" would never become a butterfly."
You know I love quotes. Especially quotes that I can look at and reflect upon. Do I regret it? no, it just means that I spent a little more time in my cocoon or chrysalis or what have you. Would things be different otherwise? Of course. Do I wish I knew what the other options were? Who doesn't. But that's the old me. It's learning about living and loving the what you can't have and what you got, the here and the now, the today that's important.
Penultimate point - you can't label yourself as something and just keep living that way. As Whitney would say, it's not okay. It's not okay to act as a jackass, just because you labeled yourself as a jackass. Telling someone I'm an asshole and then acting assholish is "not okay". Just because it's labeled doesn't give you a permit, which I thought I had back then, and which I know now I did not have. Overcoming denial is only the first step. You know you're an asshole? then move on to step two. I'll be here to help you cross that line, whether it be me extending my hand to you and helping you over, or me sticking my foot in front of you and pushing you from behind. And trust me, I prefer the latter.
Ultimate point - there is an oasis of profound thoughts, which can only be reached when you don't mean to reach it. But the oasis is double edged - one in that it's so difficult to reach, and the other is that you think the thoughts are profound. Actually they are the shitty words that crap out of your mouth when you have a shit ton of work to do, you're behind in everything, you just spent the last week doing nothing, and your motivation is shot.
Expect a new journal, although I feel that I am always promising those.