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I stole this from a friend's Xanga site, and I just have to post it because its fucking amazing. What a unique and fasicinating insight on the female population. Kinda like a science project.
they say that girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice...what they don't tell you is that when you consume all that, you get diahrrea. girls have this secret ninja ability to drive a guy crazy by asking simple questions or using their jedi mind tricks. as a member of a weblogging community its my responsibility to expose these tactics in hopes that there will be less guys being admitted to halfway houses. or maybe you're a girl who is out to drive your boyfriend crazy so that you can make him stop playing video games 24-7. here are sure fire ways guys are made crazy by their girlfriends. take off your strait jacket boys, lets begin with our lesson.
1. right before you head out the door, mention that you're late to meet Sergio
yes, thats right...sergio. most likely, you do not know anyone by the name of sergio, but by simply saying that you'll send your boyfriend on this paranoid android shizophrenic jealous confusion. he's gonna automatically think "who's sergio?", "what is he like?"...."and what kind of a name is sergio?" to add effect, cut out one of those half naked guy's picture from the abercrombie catalog and put it in your wallet.
how to counter: guys- when she mentions sergio, just look off into space with a coy smile and say "i remember meeting a sergio once...wow." and then just sigh and walk away.. now you're girlfriend is confused.
2. take your boyfriend to victoria secret
there's nothing worse then being in that store. not to mention the embarassment of seeing all that is pink and lacy and wondering how floss can serve as underwear, but there's also that lingering thought and that confusion of where to put your eyes because you're afraid that the female shoppers in the store might think you're a pervert. rumor has it, if a guy stays in the store longer than 30 minutes, they spontaneously combust.
how to counter: pretend you're the lord of the flies...fashion a thong into a slingshot, use the sample makeup as war paint, and run around grunting. hopefully you'll successfully cause enough ruckus, that you both will get kicked out of the store.
3. every 10 hours, call your boyfriend and ask him "where are we? as in us?"
nothing is more obscure than that statement. in all honesty, guys simply do not know how to answer that. in fact, to this day, i still don't know what the right answer is, or what intentions are behind that question. it just tops it off when you ask it every 10 hours...on the dot. its like chinese water torture.
how to counter: pretend you're stupid and say "united states. dummy!" and then clap repeatedly for no apparent reason screaming "chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot piEEEE!"
4. at 4am in the morning, call your boyfriend and be all mad at him for cheating on you in your dream
its the worst when you feel like something is your fault when you had nothing to do with it.
how to counter: buy a tranquilizer gun.
5. instead of asking for things directly, talk around it
ok, this takes some explaining...but all girl do this naturally. instead of saying 'can i wear your jacket?" say stuff like "its cold...like really really cold." or if there's a movie you don't want to watch, don't say "i don't want to watch this movie", say "we'll watch it if you really really want to watch it." or if you are looking for a place to eat and you're craving italian, wait till he suggests places to eat. when he asks you what you want, just say "I'll eat anything." but then when he mentions chinese you say "no". american "no". korean? "no"..and keep doing it until he finally mentions what you're craving "italian." but don't say yes...say "we'll eat it if you really really want to eat it."
how to counter: just talk to her in yoda. "eat we will yes?" "watch movie we can. yes. movie."
6. whenever he cracks a joke, act like you're still waiting for the punchline
nothing makes you feel more stupid than cracking a joke and your audience still isn't laughing. so, when he attempts to make a funny, don't matter how funny the actual joke is....just pretend the punchline didn't happen and you're still waiting for it. make sure that awkward silence is there and have that anticipatory grin on your face...you know the one where your mouth is slightlly open and slightly smiling but your eyes look lost? do that.
how to counter: the joke is already ruined...just finish it off by saying "pubes". might as well ruin the moment entirely.
7. if your boyfriend knows you just used the bathroom, right before you leave the room, put the toilet seat up
i mean, every upstanding guy knows to put the seat down after they use it, but seat up after a girl uses it? that never happens...unless......
how to counter: stash tampons and pads in your underwear drawer in your home for your girlfriend to find.
8. beat him in a video game by using your press every button really really really fast technique
nothings worse than working countless hours to hone your video game skills, to onlly be beaten by your girlfriend who just simply presses every button possible. once you beat your boyfriend, just laugh at his face and say "you've been 0wNeD!"
how to counter: break her fingers.
they say that girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice...what they don't tell you is that when you consume all that, you get diahrrea. girls have this secret ninja ability to drive a guy crazy by asking simple questions or using their jedi mind tricks. as a member of a weblogging community its my responsibility to expose these tactics in hopes that there will be less guys being admitted to halfway houses. or maybe you're a girl who is out to drive your boyfriend crazy so that you can make him stop playing video games 24-7. here are sure fire ways guys are made crazy by their girlfriends. take off your strait jacket boys, lets begin with our lesson.
1. right before you head out the door, mention that you're late to meet Sergio
yes, thats right...sergio. most likely, you do not know anyone by the name of sergio, but by simply saying that you'll send your boyfriend on this paranoid android shizophrenic jealous confusion. he's gonna automatically think "who's sergio?", "what is he like?"...."and what kind of a name is sergio?" to add effect, cut out one of those half naked guy's picture from the abercrombie catalog and put it in your wallet.
how to counter: guys- when she mentions sergio, just look off into space with a coy smile and say "i remember meeting a sergio once...wow." and then just sigh and walk away.. now you're girlfriend is confused.
2. take your boyfriend to victoria secret
there's nothing worse then being in that store. not to mention the embarassment of seeing all that is pink and lacy and wondering how floss can serve as underwear, but there's also that lingering thought and that confusion of where to put your eyes because you're afraid that the female shoppers in the store might think you're a pervert. rumor has it, if a guy stays in the store longer than 30 minutes, they spontaneously combust.
how to counter: pretend you're the lord of the flies...fashion a thong into a slingshot, use the sample makeup as war paint, and run around grunting. hopefully you'll successfully cause enough ruckus, that you both will get kicked out of the store.
3. every 10 hours, call your boyfriend and ask him "where are we? as in us?"
nothing is more obscure than that statement. in all honesty, guys simply do not know how to answer that. in fact, to this day, i still don't know what the right answer is, or what intentions are behind that question. it just tops it off when you ask it every 10 hours...on the dot. its like chinese water torture.
how to counter: pretend you're stupid and say "united states. dummy!" and then clap repeatedly for no apparent reason screaming "chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot piEEEE!"
4. at 4am in the morning, call your boyfriend and be all mad at him for cheating on you in your dream
its the worst when you feel like something is your fault when you had nothing to do with it.
how to counter: buy a tranquilizer gun.
5. instead of asking for things directly, talk around it
ok, this takes some explaining...but all girl do this naturally. instead of saying 'can i wear your jacket?" say stuff like "its cold...like really really cold." or if there's a movie you don't want to watch, don't say "i don't want to watch this movie", say "we'll watch it if you really really want to watch it." or if you are looking for a place to eat and you're craving italian, wait till he suggests places to eat. when he asks you what you want, just say "I'll eat anything." but then when he mentions chinese you say "no". american "no". korean? "no"..and keep doing it until he finally mentions what you're craving "italian." but don't say yes...say "we'll eat it if you really really want to eat it."
how to counter: just talk to her in yoda. "eat we will yes?" "watch movie we can. yes. movie."
6. whenever he cracks a joke, act like you're still waiting for the punchline
nothing makes you feel more stupid than cracking a joke and your audience still isn't laughing. so, when he attempts to make a funny, don't matter how funny the actual joke is....just pretend the punchline didn't happen and you're still waiting for it. make sure that awkward silence is there and have that anticipatory grin on your face...you know the one where your mouth is slightlly open and slightly smiling but your eyes look lost? do that.
how to counter: the joke is already ruined...just finish it off by saying "pubes". might as well ruin the moment entirely.
7. if your boyfriend knows you just used the bathroom, right before you leave the room, put the toilet seat up
i mean, every upstanding guy knows to put the seat down after they use it, but seat up after a girl uses it? that never happens...unless......
how to counter: stash tampons and pads in your underwear drawer in your home for your girlfriend to find.
8. beat him in a video game by using your press every button really really really fast technique
nothings worse than working countless hours to hone your video game skills, to onlly be beaten by your girlfriend who just simply presses every button possible. once you beat your boyfriend, just laugh at his face and say "you've been 0wNeD!"
how to counter: break her fingers.