(no subject)
the light of day only brings a little clarity. I came back to kamloops after a night of interesting-ness. i considered emailing him, and have thought about it now too, but i think i have to stop playing those games: with him, with myself. I'm still not sure of myself when it comes to boys. do i just tell myself things hoping i will believe them? or is that what i really feel? I'm confused at any rate. I think i've started confusing others with my confusion. I'm sleepy right now and this may not make sense but thats because there was a long night of trying to figure things out. things will never be figured out. I wish there was just a sign telling me who i was supposed to end up with, that would make this alot easier. less guessing and trying to figure out if he likes me or if he is simply plotting the quickest way to get out of my life.
friendship gets confused for love more times than it should.
but when it happens, how do we know? how does anyone know?
i dont pretend to know what real love is. and its so scary, to give yourself over to someone else so completely, would that make me a slave to love? i push him away. i dont mean to. it happens kind of by mistake. i dont realize i'm doing it till its done. it might be too late now. maybe thats how you know...
i need that deep spiritual platonic love, Epicurean love is just the bonus prize.
i want him. i need him. i need to know he needs me back. i dont want to do it blindly. i dont want to do it halfway. i want to be sure.
why wont he just tell me? maybe he cant. maybe i know why, because i know the answer is no.
i've confused myself for years. Damn you Disney. Brought up on that perfect romantic love. where the prince always gets his princess and there is always a happily ever after. it never seems this hard in the books and on tv. deluding myself -I'm not a princess- he's not going to show up at your door with flowers proclaiming his undying love and devotion to you, because its not realistic, and to be honest its a little creepy too. still, i need a little of that storybook romance, as much as i dont believe it, and laugh when i see it, i need to feel it. to find out for myself if its real or not.
I dont know if love even exists.
I'm too young to be a misanthropist.
friendship gets confused for love more times than it should.
but when it happens, how do we know? how does anyone know?
i dont pretend to know what real love is. and its so scary, to give yourself over to someone else so completely, would that make me a slave to love? i push him away. i dont mean to. it happens kind of by mistake. i dont realize i'm doing it till its done. it might be too late now. maybe thats how you know...
i need that deep spiritual platonic love, Epicurean love is just the bonus prize.
i want him. i need him. i need to know he needs me back. i dont want to do it blindly. i dont want to do it halfway. i want to be sure.
why wont he just tell me? maybe he cant. maybe i know why, because i know the answer is no.
i've confused myself for years. Damn you Disney. Brought up on that perfect romantic love. where the prince always gets his princess and there is always a happily ever after. it never seems this hard in the books and on tv. deluding myself -I'm not a princess- he's not going to show up at your door with flowers proclaiming his undying love and devotion to you, because its not realistic, and to be honest its a little creepy too. still, i need a little of that storybook romance, as much as i dont believe it, and laugh when i see it, i need to feel it. to find out for myself if its real or not.
I dont know if love even exists.
I'm too young to be a misanthropist.