i have nothing better to do
b/c
41
here i come
i guess im ready
but i'd rather not
but since it doesnt matter much about what i want
no regrets. no bitter arrogance. more perspective. and most of my hair (if possible).
getting older with grace.
sad that my body is slowing down. its more noticeable as of late.
but the party isnt over! its still light out.
yes, its still there but its different.
someone once shouted at me, (while thrashing about the dance floor) " live it up, you won't always be able to dance like that." i've been keeping an eye on that forecast since 1987. ahem. i think its here. im not saying my life is over - its just transitioning/transforming into something different AGAIN. can we stop with all this transitioning? maybe its the baby coming, too. 7 1/2 months and its been amazing to witness, yet it somehow manages to make me feel incredibly lonely and sad.
b/c .. i dont have a family. i feel lost w/out a home.
and even when i did go home more often, its not really mine/i dont feel like i belong/one of them. and im not sure what to do to make that feel better. i miss them so much. or maybe the idea/fantasy of who i want them to be. to love me, treat me with kindness. like when they see me- hug me, tell me that its good to see me. to not ignore the fact that i am different now. and tell me to my face that i am not a freak. like, call me by my legal name. not only when introduced to people in the mall. it sucks to leave here. i dont want to think about IT anymore.
i can control/do my part. like, tell them how i feel.
maybe its time to write a letter. or tell them in person. god, why do i have to do all the work? its so annoying. and thats part of the problem. they dont call. i dont call. i havent talked to my brother in, like, 10 years. same goes for my sister. i talk to my mom 1-2 twice a month. its the same conversation over and over. the weather. my job. am i dating anyone? when am i moving home? and then i ask about grandma, sister, brother. bye-bye. in/out, under 10 min. sometimes we go 15. she wants me to be a dyke. that one was cool. some years ago, she even went out and got an old school butch dyke best friend. but this, she doesnt get. at all.
but then again, family ties were never strong in my family. dora once went 10 years without speaking to her son. they finally spoke/connected a few years before he died - funny thing, they couldnt even remember why they fought in the first place.
and im worried i wont find my lid. my brother is 42 and hasnt found his lid. and at the same time the lid makes it so i cant breathe. oh, lid. f you.
but if i am lucky i will find another lid. grateful for the lids i've had. mindful that there might be one/two nearby. yes. and maybe no.
maybe i should send them video.
41
here i come
i guess im ready
but i'd rather not
but since it doesnt matter much about what i want
no regrets. no bitter arrogance. more perspective. and most of my hair (if possible).
getting older with grace.
sad that my body is slowing down. its more noticeable as of late.
but the party isnt over! its still light out.
yes, its still there but its different.
someone once shouted at me, (while thrashing about the dance floor) " live it up, you won't always be able to dance like that." i've been keeping an eye on that forecast since 1987. ahem. i think its here. im not saying my life is over - its just transitioning/transforming into something different AGAIN. can we stop with all this transitioning? maybe its the baby coming, too. 7 1/2 months and its been amazing to witness, yet it somehow manages to make me feel incredibly lonely and sad.
b/c .. i dont have a family. i feel lost w/out a home.
and even when i did go home more often, its not really mine/i dont feel like i belong/one of them. and im not sure what to do to make that feel better. i miss them so much. or maybe the idea/fantasy of who i want them to be. to love me, treat me with kindness. like when they see me- hug me, tell me that its good to see me. to not ignore the fact that i am different now. and tell me to my face that i am not a freak. like, call me by my legal name. not only when introduced to people in the mall. it sucks to leave here. i dont want to think about IT anymore.
i can control/do my part. like, tell them how i feel.
maybe its time to write a letter. or tell them in person. god, why do i have to do all the work? its so annoying. and thats part of the problem. they dont call. i dont call. i havent talked to my brother in, like, 10 years. same goes for my sister. i talk to my mom 1-2 twice a month. its the same conversation over and over. the weather. my job. am i dating anyone? when am i moving home? and then i ask about grandma, sister, brother. bye-bye. in/out, under 10 min. sometimes we go 15. she wants me to be a dyke. that one was cool. some years ago, she even went out and got an old school butch dyke best friend. but this, she doesnt get. at all.
but then again, family ties were never strong in my family. dora once went 10 years without speaking to her son. they finally spoke/connected a few years before he died - funny thing, they couldnt even remember why they fought in the first place.
and im worried i wont find my lid. my brother is 42 and hasnt found his lid. and at the same time the lid makes it so i cant breathe. oh, lid. f you.
but if i am lucky i will find another lid. grateful for the lids i've had. mindful that there might be one/two nearby. yes. and maybe no.
maybe i should send them video.