Snotty, Congested Breadnight
Since Thursday, I've been trying to squash this damn flu bug to no avail. This morning I was much less snotty and achy than I had been this weekend, so I dragged my ass out of bed to teach. Well the ladies I work with told me that I looked like shit and suggested that I go home... so here I am. I think I will play hookie from the Census sweatshop too. YAY!!! I'm really not all that sick, I just welcome the excuse to use more annual leave. The R&R wouldn't hurt me anyway. And I have NO desire to be productive around the house. Rather than conquering that monolithic heap of dirty duds, I'll lounge in sweats and order some Wonton soup from the Mandarin Grill.
Though I ail physically, these days I'm in a better place mentally (once you read this you may not think so... but I really am). Let me explain why...
I've realized that my rose colored glasses are of no use to me anymore. I give up wondering why I can't wipe away the indelible splatters of mud. I will no longer scotch tape their mangled frames or squint through their cracked lenses...to the trash they go. It's time to take them off and see things as they really are. A tainted optimism has blurred my vision for at least the last several months. Please don't misunderstand, it's NOT that I've abandoned ALL hope. It's just that I now realize I have misplaced my optimism.
No amount of hope can turn a tumbleweed into a rosebush. And I know now that what I thought was just wilted is, in fact, totally spent and withered. Not even all the love and nurturing in the world, much less mine, can breathe life into what is dead. I will no longer hope for what is impossible. That would only cause more me heartache. My hope now is not to revive lost love, but to sow friendship on more stable and fertile ground.
But first I will rant a bit.
It hurts that he never gave me a second thought, that he didn't take my feelings into consideration. Is it self absorbed to think that maybe he toyed with my feelings? How could I have trusted my feelings with someone so fickle? No... I cannot fault somebody for doing what I should have ALWAYS done...looking after my OWN feelings before anyone else's. I am the only constant in my life. I trust in me. I am thankful for my wonderful friends and supportive family, but unless I love myself, all is lost. I'm optimistic that, one day, I'll be able to love myself.
I cannot expect a person to give me more than he is able. I cannot hate him for not being what I want him to be. I cannot long for romance where there is just platonic friendship. Instead I must find a place where my love is valued and reciprocated. That is where my hope must rest.
I know that I need to accept my friends as they are, me as I am, and not to bemoan life for being different than I wish it was. Only then can I move forward. I let go of my expectations.
Though I ail physically, these days I'm in a better place mentally (once you read this you may not think so... but I really am). Let me explain why...
I've realized that my rose colored glasses are of no use to me anymore. I give up wondering why I can't wipe away the indelible splatters of mud. I will no longer scotch tape their mangled frames or squint through their cracked lenses...to the trash they go. It's time to take them off and see things as they really are. A tainted optimism has blurred my vision for at least the last several months. Please don't misunderstand, it's NOT that I've abandoned ALL hope. It's just that I now realize I have misplaced my optimism.
No amount of hope can turn a tumbleweed into a rosebush. And I know now that what I thought was just wilted is, in fact, totally spent and withered. Not even all the love and nurturing in the world, much less mine, can breathe life into what is dead. I will no longer hope for what is impossible. That would only cause more me heartache. My hope now is not to revive lost love, but to sow friendship on more stable and fertile ground.
But first I will rant a bit.
It hurts that he never gave me a second thought, that he didn't take my feelings into consideration. Is it self absorbed to think that maybe he toyed with my feelings? How could I have trusted my feelings with someone so fickle? No... I cannot fault somebody for doing what I should have ALWAYS done...looking after my OWN feelings before anyone else's. I am the only constant in my life. I trust in me. I am thankful for my wonderful friends and supportive family, but unless I love myself, all is lost. I'm optimistic that, one day, I'll be able to love myself.
I cannot expect a person to give me more than he is able. I cannot hate him for not being what I want him to be. I cannot long for romance where there is just platonic friendship. Instead I must find a place where my love is valued and reciprocated. That is where my hope must rest.
I know that I need to accept my friends as they are, me as I am, and not to bemoan life for being different than I wish it was. Only then can I move forward. I let go of my expectations.