where to begin
i forgot livejournals even existed.it would be utterly absurd to attempt a full and accurate update of everything that has happened to me in the 2 years or so since i've last been here.
a brief recount:
the last two years of my life have been a mixture of desperation, horror, deceit, loathing, isolation, incarceration, loss, and regret. very few positive things have happened.until the last 4 months or so.
i have endured the terrible depths of a brutal and all consuming heroin addiction. i have lied to, alienated, shunned, horrified and in one way or another, wronged, pretty much everyone in my life that gives a fuck.
i've been arrested twice, aqquired several felony drug charges, barely escaped death via horrible 80mph car crashes, robbed relentless gangster drug dealers and managed to escape having my family tied and up subjected to god knows what in our own home as a result of my idiocy. i've had guns stuck in my face, been beaten in the wrongest of neighborhoods for the worst stupidest reasons, driven to, through, and back from the ghetto's of richmond with no breaks whatsoever with stolen credit cards and huge amounts of illicit narcotics of various types. i've was in jail for 6 months. i've been homeless to many different degrees. i lived in a homeless shelter for 3 months upon my release from incarceration. i slept under stairs in houses i was banned from. i slept in cars. i stole food from grocery stores. i suffered the intense regret and shame of being in jail and unable to be there for a loved one in their time of loss. numerous people have died. even more are in jail. some have just dissapeared. some strains put upon some relationships may never fully heal. i could go on forever it seems.
only in the last 4 months have i begun to get my act together. i have remained drug free for almost a year now.as of march 5th it will be a year.i stayed in a shelter and saved money for 3 months, allowing me to get an apartment and some stability for once. i have maintained employment. i have at least begun to repair bruised and broken relationships. in some cases im just in time. in some cases im far to late. some things i've always dreamt would one day happen, may now never happen at all. but all i can do now is try to right at least some of my wrongs. and i do this every single day.'
appartment,employment,healthy relationships...all of these are things that are expected and seem like no cause for celebration...things that any normal responsible person should do naturally, so why make an issue of them?
for me, having been to the edge, as far from a normal life as is humanly possibly without dying or being permanently imprisoned, these things are huge achievments and are absolutly , in my eyes at any rate, things to celebrate.
as for the legal situation, i have entered into an intensive outpatient program that involves 3-5 supervised and scrutinized urine samples a week, 5 meetings a week, and court every monday. i cannot leave a 50 mile perimeter. i cannot take any sort of medicine at all, no matter how sick i get. i was recently sick for a month as a result. i cannot use alchoholic mouthwash. no cold medicine. no antihistamines. i cant even drink certain energy drinks. but the upside to all of this is that if (but in my case *when*) succesfully completed, this program will render all of my charges dissmissed and i will not be labeled a felon.
i would certainly not go so far as to say that this is easy. all the appointments and engagements are laborious to say the least. The drug free aspect on the other hand is simple. program or no, i have no desire to return to that lifestyle. Were i terminated from the program as a result of continued drug use, i would return to jail of course...but that does not stop me. i've been to jail. its extremely unpleasant.hellish even.filthy.sad.cold.full of despair. but none of these characteristics are present to the extent that they are in the midst of addiction. not even close.i would sooner spend 5 years in jail than spend one week in slavery to a fucking chemical. anything made of cement and steel can only pale in comparison to dependance and addiction to a drug. and i have no intention of returning to either.
to the people that matter...and they know who they are... i am truly sorry.for everything. i will live the rest of my life trying to correct my mistakes. addiction is lifelong, and i live in constant reminder of it. i have its name tattooed on my skin, that i may always know its permanent grip on me. the only thing stronger is my will to make good my promise to make right. or try and try and try.
sorry to sound dramatic, but it is what it is.
now that thats out of my system, we can move on to the present, which incidentally is no less grim.
two days ago, i was informed that my father is dead. he took his own life.
bizzare to say, to type, to think.
i dont have much to say on this subject.
im simply focusing on the immediate present.
breathing.eating.putting one foot in front of the other, so as not to fall flat on my face.
functioning, if only on the most basic of levels.
he was an amazing person.
he had his reasons for doing what he did.
i only wish i knew what they were.
he is loved and will be missed.
i am at least happy that he was here to see me beging to turn my life into something positive before he left.
thats all for now.
next time, a dirty joke and a funny story...
pardon the spelling. its late.
a brief recount:
the last two years of my life have been a mixture of desperation, horror, deceit, loathing, isolation, incarceration, loss, and regret. very few positive things have happened.until the last 4 months or so.
i have endured the terrible depths of a brutal and all consuming heroin addiction. i have lied to, alienated, shunned, horrified and in one way or another, wronged, pretty much everyone in my life that gives a fuck.
i've been arrested twice, aqquired several felony drug charges, barely escaped death via horrible 80mph car crashes, robbed relentless gangster drug dealers and managed to escape having my family tied and up subjected to god knows what in our own home as a result of my idiocy. i've had guns stuck in my face, been beaten in the wrongest of neighborhoods for the worst stupidest reasons, driven to, through, and back from the ghetto's of richmond with no breaks whatsoever with stolen credit cards and huge amounts of illicit narcotics of various types. i've was in jail for 6 months. i've been homeless to many different degrees. i lived in a homeless shelter for 3 months upon my release from incarceration. i slept under stairs in houses i was banned from. i slept in cars. i stole food from grocery stores. i suffered the intense regret and shame of being in jail and unable to be there for a loved one in their time of loss. numerous people have died. even more are in jail. some have just dissapeared. some strains put upon some relationships may never fully heal. i could go on forever it seems.
only in the last 4 months have i begun to get my act together. i have remained drug free for almost a year now.as of march 5th it will be a year.i stayed in a shelter and saved money for 3 months, allowing me to get an apartment and some stability for once. i have maintained employment. i have at least begun to repair bruised and broken relationships. in some cases im just in time. in some cases im far to late. some things i've always dreamt would one day happen, may now never happen at all. but all i can do now is try to right at least some of my wrongs. and i do this every single day.'
appartment,employment,healthy relationships...all of these are things that are expected and seem like no cause for celebration...things that any normal responsible person should do naturally, so why make an issue of them?
for me, having been to the edge, as far from a normal life as is humanly possibly without dying or being permanently imprisoned, these things are huge achievments and are absolutly , in my eyes at any rate, things to celebrate.
as for the legal situation, i have entered into an intensive outpatient program that involves 3-5 supervised and scrutinized urine samples a week, 5 meetings a week, and court every monday. i cannot leave a 50 mile perimeter. i cannot take any sort of medicine at all, no matter how sick i get. i was recently sick for a month as a result. i cannot use alchoholic mouthwash. no cold medicine. no antihistamines. i cant even drink certain energy drinks. but the upside to all of this is that if (but in my case *when*) succesfully completed, this program will render all of my charges dissmissed and i will not be labeled a felon.
i would certainly not go so far as to say that this is easy. all the appointments and engagements are laborious to say the least. The drug free aspect on the other hand is simple. program or no, i have no desire to return to that lifestyle. Were i terminated from the program as a result of continued drug use, i would return to jail of course...but that does not stop me. i've been to jail. its extremely unpleasant.hellish even.filthy.sad.cold.full of despair. but none of these characteristics are present to the extent that they are in the midst of addiction. not even close.i would sooner spend 5 years in jail than spend one week in slavery to a fucking chemical. anything made of cement and steel can only pale in comparison to dependance and addiction to a drug. and i have no intention of returning to either.
to the people that matter...and they know who they are... i am truly sorry.for everything. i will live the rest of my life trying to correct my mistakes. addiction is lifelong, and i live in constant reminder of it. i have its name tattooed on my skin, that i may always know its permanent grip on me. the only thing stronger is my will to make good my promise to make right. or try and try and try.
sorry to sound dramatic, but it is what it is.
now that thats out of my system, we can move on to the present, which incidentally is no less grim.
two days ago, i was informed that my father is dead. he took his own life.
bizzare to say, to type, to think.
i dont have much to say on this subject.
im simply focusing on the immediate present.
breathing.eating.putting one foot in front of the other, so as not to fall flat on my face.
functioning, if only on the most basic of levels.
he was an amazing person.
he had his reasons for doing what he did.
i only wish i knew what they were.
he is loved and will be missed.
i am at least happy that he was here to see me beging to turn my life into something positive before he left.
thats all for now.
next time, a dirty joke and a funny story...
pardon the spelling. its late.