Pinch Hitting Edittigerstriped86December 30 2009, 03:06:42 UTC
Howdy! I'm pinch hitting your second edit for your library lit article and you've asked for all the barrels, so I'll throw as many as I can at you Donkey-Kong style.
First thing I noticed is that you take a lot for granted about the reader. Now, I was a history and not an English major and so sometimes I feel like you're calling me kind of dumb at some points. Its a relative turn off. You do this really subtlety and its not intentional but it happens twice: "stupidely easy trick" could probably be rewritten and the still too complicated? thing just makes me feel like you don't consider that I've ever heard of the who vs. whom debate.
Also, the first paragraph is completely unwieldy. I think some grammar people would disagree on the who vs. whom importance and I had to read it about four time before that to even get at what you were trying to say. If I were a college professor, you probably would have got a big red slash over the entire paragraph and the word clarification on the side.
I like the way your examples break up the paragraphs, but its still a really tough read for an average joe and I personally wasn't sure whether or not I learned anything at all...other than who and whom were different ways to identify subjects.
Re: Pinch Hitting Editmister_troperJanuary 2 2010, 17:54:31 UTC
"Now, I was a history and not an English major and so sometimes I feel like you're calling me kind of dumb at some points."
So was I! Well, history-ish. That's where I get a lot of it from: nothing teaches you English grammar better than learning another language.
And it is intentional to the extent that I mean "stupid" in the sense that the trick itself is outrageously simple to perform, not in the sense that it's a trick for stupid people. Even Stephen Hawking uses a calculator.
"Also, the first paragraph is completely unwieldy."
Yeah, you caught me. I spent ages trying to make that succinct but still get the whole message and I totally overworked it.
"I think some grammar people would disagree on the who vs. whom importance..."
Not really, but I'll try and explain the unimportance more.
"...but its still a really tough read for an average joe and I personally wasn't sure whether or not I learned anything at all..."
That however is a very serious comment because, unlike fiction, if this doesn't inform, then it isn't anything. Could I persuade you to elaborate more? Is what made it a "tough read" the elements you already listed or is it something else that you can explain?
Re: Pinch Hitting Edittigerstriped86January 26 2010, 07:29:11 UTC
Looking it over again makes what I felt the first time even more convoluted in my own mind.
Perhaps its taking my intelligence for granted, perhaps that its so rule based that I feel alienated from the piece altogether or perhaps its just a personal style of writing that doesn't clique with me.
In any case, its a very well done and thought out article on something that most people simply would not rather deal with and would rather be wrong than corrected.
That being said, I wish I could offer more insight but I'm going more on gut here than anything.
First thing I noticed is that you take a lot for granted about the reader. Now, I was a history and not an English major and so sometimes I feel like you're calling me kind of dumb at some points. Its a relative turn off. You do this really subtlety and its not intentional but it happens twice: "stupidely easy trick" could probably be rewritten and the still too complicated? thing just makes me feel like you don't consider that I've ever heard of the who vs. whom debate.
Also, the first paragraph is completely unwieldy. I think some grammar people would disagree on the who vs. whom importance and I had to read it about four time before that to even get at what you were trying to say. If I were a college professor, you probably would have got a big red slash over the entire paragraph and the word clarification on the side.
I like the way your examples break up the paragraphs, but its still a really tough read for an average joe and I personally wasn't sure whether or not I learned anything at all...other than who and whom were different ways to identify subjects.
Oh! and the diploma thing is pretty funny...
Reply
So was I! Well, history-ish. That's where I get a lot of it from: nothing teaches you English grammar better than learning another language.
And it is intentional to the extent that I mean "stupid" in the sense that the trick itself is outrageously simple to perform, not in the sense that it's a trick for stupid people. Even Stephen Hawking uses a calculator.
"Also, the first paragraph is completely unwieldy."
Yeah, you caught me. I spent ages trying to make that succinct but still get the whole message and I totally overworked it.
"I think some grammar people would disagree on the who vs. whom importance..."
Not really, but I'll try and explain the unimportance more.
"...but its still a really tough read for an average joe and I personally wasn't sure whether or not I learned anything at all..."
That however is a very serious comment because, unlike fiction, if this doesn't inform, then it isn't anything. Could I persuade you to elaborate more? Is what made it a "tough read" the elements you already listed or is it something else that you can explain?
Reply
Perhaps its taking my intelligence for granted, perhaps that its so rule based that I feel alienated from the piece altogether or perhaps its just a personal style of writing that doesn't clique with me.
In any case, its a very well done and thought out article on something that most people simply would not rather deal with and would rather be wrong than corrected.
That being said, I wish I could offer more insight but I'm going more on gut here than anything.
Wishing you all the best!
-tiger
Reply
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