On Bathrooms
Never one to shy away from discussion of a topic just because it’s usually considered taboo, I’m actually quite opinionated on the subject of bathrooms. (Yes, I suppose if you're a wuss and are easily offended, you ought not read this.)
1. Whoever came up with the idea of what I call the “automated bathroom” needs to die a slow, horrible death. Automatic sinks that never, ever turn on when you want them to, and don’t let you control the temperature at all. Soap dispensers that don’t dispense soap. Paper towel dispensers that don’t dispense paper towels, or, if they’re feeling generous, will yield a paper towel approximately the size of a cocktail napkin. They all drive me insane, and make me want to smack whoever it was that thought any of these things were a good idea. I’ve determined that the sinks, in particular, must be possessed by the Devil himself. The ones at my office (Ed. note: I suppose I’ve neglected to mention that I’m working this semester. Well, I am. For a railroad.) seem to taunt me - after flailing my arms around like an idiot trying to get the damn thing to turn on, it finally spurts out a little water, only to turn off again before I can actually get my hands under it. Then, after a good 30 seconds of struggling to get the stupid thing to dispense enough water for me to rinse my hands off, it adds insult to injury by turning on for 10 seconds straight after I’ve walked away. This seems to nullify what I guess could be the one argument for an automated sink - that it could somehow conserve water. Regardless, even if any of these devices actually worked as intended, I’d still be completely against all of them, on the general principle that it reminds me too much of what I regard as a really dumb modern tendency to apply technology in every aspect of life, whether it’s useful or not. There are some aspects of life where we just don’t need any newfangled contraptions, and this is one of them. Bring back the old sinks!
2. What is up with people who don’t use soap? If you’re in a hurry and don’t have time to wash your hands, well… OK, I guess… but the procedure I’ve seen a lot of guys use really doesn’t make sense to me:
1. Turn on water.
2. Get hands wet.
3. Turn off water.
4. Dry hands.
Even more perplexing, I’ve seen more than one guy omit Step 2. WHY? What is wrong with you people? I’ve never had the courage to confront a guy who does this, but maybe one of these days my curiosity will get to me. Can anyone really believe that this does any good? Actually, now that I think about it, it’s even more disturbing - do these people apply the same reasoning to showering? Well, that certainly would explain BO problems…
3. It occurs to me that the typical female might go through her whole life never knowing anything about the strange entities that are urinals. I’ll try to fill you in.
Let me begin by making it clear that I’ve never liked them. I think of a urinal as a kind of retarded toilet mounted on a wall. The real mystery surrounding them, and the biggest reason I don’t like them, though, is the universal phenomenon of what I call Piss on the Floor (POF). POF is a Schrödinger’s-cat-like phenomenon -- as soon as no one is observing a just-cleaned bathroom floor, POF immediately sets in, defying all laws of physics. I’ve heard a few theories to explain this. The most obvious ones I’ve heard are that guys just can’t aim, or that it’s caused by little kids who either aren’t tall enough or intentionally make a mess just for fun. The most interesting explanation I’ve heard was advanced by a teacher at my elementary school, who claimed to have observed boys holding contests to see who could stand furthest away from the urinal and still hit the target. I’ve never observed POF happening (and I’ve certainly never participated in any such contests), so I don’t know what to make of these theories. But as always, the internet is chock full of useful information, like this. So, maybe guys can aim, after all, but they usually just don’t concentrate hard enough? Guys, do share your thoughts on this -- I really want to know! Comment anonymously if you have to!
1. Whoever came up with the idea of what I call the “automated bathroom” needs to die a slow, horrible death. Automatic sinks that never, ever turn on when you want them to, and don’t let you control the temperature at all. Soap dispensers that don’t dispense soap. Paper towel dispensers that don’t dispense paper towels, or, if they’re feeling generous, will yield a paper towel approximately the size of a cocktail napkin. They all drive me insane, and make me want to smack whoever it was that thought any of these things were a good idea. I’ve determined that the sinks, in particular, must be possessed by the Devil himself. The ones at my office (Ed. note: I suppose I’ve neglected to mention that I’m working this semester. Well, I am. For a railroad.) seem to taunt me - after flailing my arms around like an idiot trying to get the damn thing to turn on, it finally spurts out a little water, only to turn off again before I can actually get my hands under it. Then, after a good 30 seconds of struggling to get the stupid thing to dispense enough water for me to rinse my hands off, it adds insult to injury by turning on for 10 seconds straight after I’ve walked away. This seems to nullify what I guess could be the one argument for an automated sink - that it could somehow conserve water. Regardless, even if any of these devices actually worked as intended, I’d still be completely against all of them, on the general principle that it reminds me too much of what I regard as a really dumb modern tendency to apply technology in every aspect of life, whether it’s useful or not. There are some aspects of life where we just don’t need any newfangled contraptions, and this is one of them. Bring back the old sinks!
2. What is up with people who don’t use soap? If you’re in a hurry and don’t have time to wash your hands, well… OK, I guess… but the procedure I’ve seen a lot of guys use really doesn’t make sense to me:
1. Turn on water.
2. Get hands wet.
3. Turn off water.
4. Dry hands.
Even more perplexing, I’ve seen more than one guy omit Step 2. WHY? What is wrong with you people? I’ve never had the courage to confront a guy who does this, but maybe one of these days my curiosity will get to me. Can anyone really believe that this does any good? Actually, now that I think about it, it’s even more disturbing - do these people apply the same reasoning to showering? Well, that certainly would explain BO problems…
3. It occurs to me that the typical female might go through her whole life never knowing anything about the strange entities that are urinals. I’ll try to fill you in.
Let me begin by making it clear that I’ve never liked them. I think of a urinal as a kind of retarded toilet mounted on a wall. The real mystery surrounding them, and the biggest reason I don’t like them, though, is the universal phenomenon of what I call Piss on the Floor (POF). POF is a Schrödinger’s-cat-like phenomenon -- as soon as no one is observing a just-cleaned bathroom floor, POF immediately sets in, defying all laws of physics. I’ve heard a few theories to explain this. The most obvious ones I’ve heard are that guys just can’t aim, or that it’s caused by little kids who either aren’t tall enough or intentionally make a mess just for fun. The most interesting explanation I’ve heard was advanced by a teacher at my elementary school, who claimed to have observed boys holding contests to see who could stand furthest away from the urinal and still hit the target. I’ve never observed POF happening (and I’ve certainly never participated in any such contests), so I don’t know what to make of these theories. But as always, the internet is chock full of useful information, like this. So, maybe guys can aim, after all, but they usually just don’t concentrate hard enough? Guys, do share your thoughts on this -- I really want to know! Comment anonymously if you have to!