WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR A FRENCH FRY, LITTLE BABY SISTER O' MINE?: 10 years of maudlin McDonald's ads
I miss showing bad 80's commercials at Film Nites. Not everybody thought they were funny, but the ones who did thought they were really funny. And no corporation produced ambitious ads more regularly than McDonald's. During their first quarter-century of existence, Mickey D's commercials mostly centered around gentle reminders that housewives don't necessarily have to cook dinner seven nights a week... and of course, psychedelic 30-second adventures with Ronald and the foodstuff-headed creatures of McDonaldland.
But then in the early 80's, their primary tagline became "McDonald's & You," and this started a decade-long trend of supposedly poignant little narratives that were almost astoundingly inappropriate in their sentimentality. A few of them even involved McDonald's in some way.
Here are some of the standouts.
1. "Best Friends."
This only scores about a 2 on the McDonald's Sap-O-Meter, but it's important to the evolutionary process. And it's even kind of adorable. Jingles were out, replaced with needlessly expository voice-over singing-- it was the 1980's and from here on out, McDonald's commercials would be about sprawling, intensive character studies. Narratives spanning weeks, seasons, years, and slumber-party air-guitar dance-offs. McDonald's commercials, like I said, were no longer about McDonald's-- they were about best friends and things in life that make you feel all warm and fuzzy. This commercial is 1:05 long, and it isn't until 50 seconds into the montage that ANY shot of McDonald's food is depicted, when a shot of hot fudge is suddenly drizzled on a sundae. Very subliminal, McDonald's. You got me thinking about how much I love my best friends and now you've suddenly got me thinking about yer crappy-ass ice cream.
2. "Little Sister."
Friends are great and all, but they sure ain't as great as family bonds. This might be the ad that first started the whole trend of Maudlin 80's McDonald's Commercials. It is also disturbing on a number of levels, complete with smoldering incestuous gazes and Freudian french-fry gnawing. It's like a tie-in campaign for a Flowers In the Attic-themed Happy Meal. Still, I like to imagine Don Draper stoically describing it in a darkened pitch room, reducing everyone to tears.
3. "Camp Nippersink."
There's a notable thematic shift in "Camp Nippersink." Instead of the characters' lives being described by some omniscient Peter Cetera-esque crooner in voice-over, the characters themselves now sing about their predicaments. This makes us feel closer to them, no matter how young and cringingly off-key they are-- especially when they're stranded at rain-drenched Camp Nippersink. But there's salvation! Suddenly a slicker-wearing lesbian bursts in to announce a spirit-replenishing trip to-- yes-- McDONALD'S! They'll never recoup their losses from running a camp with only nine kids at it, but hey, "Quack-Quack Waddle-Waddle" sure is an awesomely punk-rock way of dealing with bad weather. I do it all the time.
4. "Recital."
When I was in the fourth grade, our teacher Mr. Vogel put us through a whole unit studying different methods of advertising, which fascinated me. I don't think any of the other fourth-grade classes did this-- I think he just did it because he liked commercials. And "Recital," which was on TV constantly at the time, was one of his favorites. He pointed out that it taps into childrens' common fearful emotions and manages to suggest (not unreasonably) that McDonald's is a good place to treat your kids after they've made it through something scary. It's also a nice detail that the girl fucks up (twice) and has nothing but contempt for her brother (refreshingly more open than the sibling relationship in "Little Sister," where a greasy fry is substituted for genuine love and affection). She also plays the "It's A Good Time For The Great Taste" jingle at the end of "Fur Elise," and the crowd seems to lap it up.
5. "Hardnose Mrs. Hatcher."
You can also take your stodgy but inspirational third-grade teacher to McDonald's at the end of the school year... I guess. This one's genuinely sweet, a little more subdued than usual until, of course, McDonald's is crammed awkwardly into the redemptive parable and the little girl actually itemizes Hardnose Mrs. Hatcher's meal out loud. (Also, my little brother and I always giggled when Mrs. Hatcher crouched next to the kid and said "I knew you could do it," because the term "do it" was nasty.)
6. DOUBLE FEATURE: "Daddy's Girl" and the thematically similar "Daddy's Little Girl."
The previous commercials have detailed how hard it is to be a kid, but what about the ravages of those same kids' impending puberty on parents who watch helplessly as their influence grows increasingly useless? Don't they get a McDonald's commercial that understands them? These two flow well back-to-back, starting with "Daddy's Girl," the bona fide "Cats in the Cradle" of McDonald's commercials. (Some people on YouTube are convinced that the child actress here is Britney Spears, and there's a resemblance but this has gotta be from around 1980 and I doubt she was even born yet.)
And here is the quasi-sequel, "Daddy's Little Girl": when this dad's offspring and her annoying friends get all horny for boy classmates who will be at McDonald's (the way the hot ones always are), this father mournfully sings to himself, "When did she start NOOOOO-ticing boyyyys? There weren't any other meeeeeen in her life... Ah was the ohhhhh-nly oooooone..." Good thing he can still lurk, alienated, in his car and smother his regrets in McDonald's double cheeseburgers. McDonald's solves everything.
7. "Golden Time."
We've heard wistful, McDonald's-oriented lyrics from nervous kids, rainsoaked kids, kids gobsmacked by their elementary school teacher's integrity, and a midlife crisis case. But hey, what about decrepit widowers who hang out at McDonald's all day because all their friends are fucking dead? And/or lonely grannies who dismiss any thoughts of sociability with shaky voice-over couplets like "I'm too old to be smitten / Besides, it's not fittin' / that I should be looking his way"? I don't know about you, but that would really get my mouth watering for a Big Mac. (About the only disappointment here is that this is the short version of the commercial, and it leaves out the part where the old man reaches the counter and says "One Quarter Pounder with Cheese, medium fries, and a large Coke," because one time I was watching this on one of my many 80's-mercial vids with ravynloony and she retorted with an annoyed "Uh, sir, this is the bank" and I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair.)
Anyway, yeah. This is about as depressing as it gets, kids.
8. "The New Kid."
On second thought, forget what I said above. This is as depressing as it gets.
9. "My Best Friend."
The 1981 "My Best Friend" commercial was a little too ordinary by now, not nearly saccharine enough for McDonald's. It was time to re-create it as a tearjerker. This could, in fact, be the exact same dynamic duo depicted in the earlier "Best Friend" ad, only after one of the girls had a tragic run-in with a wheat thresher. By this time, the Mulleted Disabled Person was riding high in pop-cultural prominence, thanks to Geri Jewell on The Facts Of Life and, to a lesser extent, Balki on Perfect Strangers. McDonald's needed their piece of the hot apple pie.
Unfortunately, embedding of this commercial has been "disabled by request." This is fitting, because the star of the commercial was also disabled by request.
But here it is: "My Best Friend," revisited.
10. "MIKE."
Ooh man. When you've spent ten years building your salty fast-food empire on manipulative emotion, there is only one inevitable destination: Retards. This commercial is from around 1989; I remember because I was in the sixth grade at the time, and insensitively quoting Mike with a mouthful of mushmouthed drool ("WEHHCUM TO MAC DUNNALLTTHHH! MAY AH HE'P YEWWWW?!?") never failed to get a big laugh in the classroom. Note how Mike's life and insurmountable bravery are detailed by his friends and loved ones, and then-- THEN-- in a voice-over, Mike seamlessly slides in a "C'MON, LET'S TAKE A RIDE TO MAC DUNNALLTHH," which is really the only place this thing could have headed. Absolutely shameless. Many years later, I was at the Museum of TV & Radio with libertina, watching a commercial-a-thon on the big screen. When "Mike" came up in the rundown, I reflexively cheered out loud. Fortunately, we were the only two people in the theater.
But then in the early 80's, their primary tagline became "McDonald's & You," and this started a decade-long trend of supposedly poignant little narratives that were almost astoundingly inappropriate in their sentimentality. A few of them even involved McDonald's in some way.
Here are some of the standouts.
1. "Best Friends."
This only scores about a 2 on the McDonald's Sap-O-Meter, but it's important to the evolutionary process. And it's even kind of adorable. Jingles were out, replaced with needlessly expository voice-over singing-- it was the 1980's and from here on out, McDonald's commercials would be about sprawling, intensive character studies. Narratives spanning weeks, seasons, years, and slumber-party air-guitar dance-offs. McDonald's commercials, like I said, were no longer about McDonald's-- they were about best friends and things in life that make you feel all warm and fuzzy. This commercial is 1:05 long, and it isn't until 50 seconds into the montage that ANY shot of McDonald's food is depicted, when a shot of hot fudge is suddenly drizzled on a sundae. Very subliminal, McDonald's. You got me thinking about how much I love my best friends and now you've suddenly got me thinking about yer crappy-ass ice cream.
Click to view2. "Little Sister."
Friends are great and all, but they sure ain't as great as family bonds. This might be the ad that first started the whole trend of Maudlin 80's McDonald's Commercials. It is also disturbing on a number of levels, complete with smoldering incestuous gazes and Freudian french-fry gnawing. It's like a tie-in campaign for a Flowers In the Attic-themed Happy Meal. Still, I like to imagine Don Draper stoically describing it in a darkened pitch room, reducing everyone to tears.
3. "Camp Nippersink."
There's a notable thematic shift in "Camp Nippersink." Instead of the characters' lives being described by some omniscient Peter Cetera-esque crooner in voice-over, the characters themselves now sing about their predicaments. This makes us feel closer to them, no matter how young and cringingly off-key they are-- especially when they're stranded at rain-drenched Camp Nippersink. But there's salvation! Suddenly a slicker-wearing lesbian bursts in to announce a spirit-replenishing trip to-- yes-- McDONALD'S! They'll never recoup their losses from running a camp with only nine kids at it, but hey, "Quack-Quack Waddle-Waddle" sure is an awesomely punk-rock way of dealing with bad weather. I do it all the time.
4. "Recital."
When I was in the fourth grade, our teacher Mr. Vogel put us through a whole unit studying different methods of advertising, which fascinated me. I don't think any of the other fourth-grade classes did this-- I think he just did it because he liked commercials. And "Recital," which was on TV constantly at the time, was one of his favorites. He pointed out that it taps into childrens' common fearful emotions and manages to suggest (not unreasonably) that McDonald's is a good place to treat your kids after they've made it through something scary. It's also a nice detail that the girl fucks up (twice) and has nothing but contempt for her brother (refreshingly more open than the sibling relationship in "Little Sister," where a greasy fry is substituted for genuine love and affection). She also plays the "It's A Good Time For The Great Taste" jingle at the end of "Fur Elise," and the crowd seems to lap it up.
5. "Hardnose Mrs. Hatcher."
You can also take your stodgy but inspirational third-grade teacher to McDonald's at the end of the school year... I guess. This one's genuinely sweet, a little more subdued than usual until, of course, McDonald's is crammed awkwardly into the redemptive parable and the little girl actually itemizes Hardnose Mrs. Hatcher's meal out loud. (Also, my little brother and I always giggled when Mrs. Hatcher crouched next to the kid and said "I knew you could do it," because the term "do it" was nasty.)
6. DOUBLE FEATURE: "Daddy's Girl" and the thematically similar "Daddy's Little Girl."
The previous commercials have detailed how hard it is to be a kid, but what about the ravages of those same kids' impending puberty on parents who watch helplessly as their influence grows increasingly useless? Don't they get a McDonald's commercial that understands them? These two flow well back-to-back, starting with "Daddy's Girl," the bona fide "Cats in the Cradle" of McDonald's commercials. (Some people on YouTube are convinced that the child actress here is Britney Spears, and there's a resemblance but this has gotta be from around 1980 and I doubt she was even born yet.)
And here is the quasi-sequel, "Daddy's Little Girl": when this dad's offspring and her annoying friends get all horny for boy classmates who will be at McDonald's (the way the hot ones always are), this father mournfully sings to himself, "When did she start NOOOOO-ticing boyyyys? There weren't any other meeeeeen in her life... Ah was the ohhhhh-nly oooooone..." Good thing he can still lurk, alienated, in his car and smother his regrets in McDonald's double cheeseburgers. McDonald's solves everything.
7. "Golden Time."
We've heard wistful, McDonald's-oriented lyrics from nervous kids, rainsoaked kids, kids gobsmacked by their elementary school teacher's integrity, and a midlife crisis case. But hey, what about decrepit widowers who hang out at McDonald's all day because all their friends are fucking dead? And/or lonely grannies who dismiss any thoughts of sociability with shaky voice-over couplets like "I'm too old to be smitten / Besides, it's not fittin' / that I should be looking his way"? I don't know about you, but that would really get my mouth watering for a Big Mac. (About the only disappointment here is that this is the short version of the commercial, and it leaves out the part where the old man reaches the counter and says "One Quarter Pounder with Cheese, medium fries, and a large Coke," because one time I was watching this on one of my many 80's-mercial vids with ravynloony and she retorted with an annoyed "Uh, sir, this is the bank" and I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair.)
Anyway, yeah. This is about as depressing as it gets, kids.
8. "The New Kid."
On second thought, forget what I said above. This is as depressing as it gets.
9. "My Best Friend."
The 1981 "My Best Friend" commercial was a little too ordinary by now, not nearly saccharine enough for McDonald's. It was time to re-create it as a tearjerker. This could, in fact, be the exact same dynamic duo depicted in the earlier "Best Friend" ad, only after one of the girls had a tragic run-in with a wheat thresher. By this time, the Mulleted Disabled Person was riding high in pop-cultural prominence, thanks to Geri Jewell on The Facts Of Life and, to a lesser extent, Balki on Perfect Strangers. McDonald's needed their piece of the hot apple pie.
Unfortunately, embedding of this commercial has been "disabled by request." This is fitting, because the star of the commercial was also disabled by request.
But here it is: "My Best Friend," revisited.
10. "MIKE."
Ooh man. When you've spent ten years building your salty fast-food empire on manipulative emotion, there is only one inevitable destination: Retards. This commercial is from around 1989; I remember because I was in the sixth grade at the time, and insensitively quoting Mike with a mouthful of mushmouthed drool ("WEHHCUM TO MAC DUNNALLTTHHH! MAY AH HE'P YEWWWW?!?") never failed to get a big laugh in the classroom. Note how Mike's life and insurmountable bravery are detailed by his friends and loved ones, and then-- THEN-- in a voice-over, Mike seamlessly slides in a "C'MON, LET'S TAKE A RIDE TO MAC DUNNALLTHH," which is really the only place this thing could have headed. Absolutely shameless. Many years later, I was at the Museum of TV & Radio with libertina, watching a commercial-a-thon on the big screen. When "Mike" came up in the rundown, I reflexively cheered out loud. Fortunately, we were the only two people in the theater.