YOUR HORROR MOVIE CHECKLIST FOR OCTOBER 2008
___ Set a plastic container of chewy orange mallo-pun'kins on the teevee. Find a half-dozen of them between your couch cushions sometime next April.
___ Watch Halloween stoned.
___ Watch Pieces drunk.
___ Watch Wild Zero drunk & stoned.
___ Watch Evil Dead II on coke.
___ Watch Suspiria while coming down from a psychedelic mushroom high.
___ Watch Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge with a sarcastic gay guy. I cannot stress this one enough.
___ See if you can watch a Lucio Fulci giallo film and eat a whole sub sandwich without gagging.
___ Watch statuesque mod Euro-lesbians get hatcheted in Torso; when they fall over operatically dead, point out that you can see their bonkers armpit hair.
___ Watch zombified breaded chicken pieces terrorize Ronald McDonald:
___ Rent any three of the Friday the 13th sequels and take a shot of butterscotch schnapps every time you see a nipple. (For the record: Jason X and Freddy Vs. Jason don't count as Friday the 13th sequels, nor do they count as actual movies.)
___ Rent The Shining and suddenly remember, 20 minutes in, that it sucks.
___ Get to (at least) second base while watching C.H.U.D..
___ Watch any movie revolving around the revenge of an undead heavy-metal frontman. (Suggestions: Trick Or Treat, Rocktober Blood, Black Roses, Shock 'Em Dead.)
___ Watch Return of the Living Dead the way it was meant to be seen: on a fading VHS print. Also, blare the volume of SSQ's "Tonight (We Make Love Till We Die)" while doing an acrobatic pelvic shimmy and wearing nothing but baby-blue legwarmers.
___ Watch somethin' with Vincent Price. Imitate his cackle throughout.
___ Watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a group of friends, and every time Grandpa appears on the screen, point out, "HEY, IT'S JOHN McCAIN!" Savor everyone's appreciative laughter. Then repeat it way too many times and get on everyone's nerves. (Or do the same thing with Re-Animator, but point out the severed head of John Kerry instead.)
___ Watch that kid get smushed in Final Destination 2.
___ Watch that really fucking creepy episode of The Muppet Show where all the Muppets get killed, starting when Scooter bursts into Liza Minnelli's dressing room to tell her she has fifteen seconds till curtain, then drops dead with a knife in his back. Complain aloud that TV was way more badass back then.
___ Watch Tyra Banks get killed in Halloween: Resurrection and Paris Hilton get killed in House Of Wax. Freeze-frame these moments and meditate upon them.
___ Host a party where everyone dresses as their favorite character from Sleepaway Camp. Have everyone dressed as Judy recite the line, "Hey AN-GULL-UH... How come you don't take SHOWWWWWW'RS when the REST of us do? ... Huh?... You QUEEEEEEER or somethin'?" Whoever does the best job wins a straightening iron.
___ Don't watch any of Eli Roth's movies. Just don't. Dude's been encouraged more than enough. If you absolutely gotta watch a horror flick made in the past few years, watch The Descent.
___ Make a little kid watch the final twenty minutes (or, failing that, the final 40 seconds) of Carrie, thereby warping them for life. (Don't try this with The Rage: Carrie 2, unless you want the kid to double over in hysterical laughter when a telekinesis-haywire CD-changer starts flinging out Eve 6 CD's that decapitate braying jocks at a kegger.)
___ Write a 5,000 word essay examining the use of anti-feminist themes in Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II.
___ Forward around the YouTube link for the horror movie I made last year with willie_randolph and mechmuertos, EVERY ROB ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER:
___ Watch that DirectTV commercial that utilizes footage from Poltergeist and cringe that it commercializes little blonde Carol Anne, who didn't make it to her 13th birthday. Wish for the Poltergeist curse to finally splatter Craig T. Nelson for his participation.
___ Watch a Hammer Film: Brides Of Dracula or The Gorgon or Devil Rides Out Quatermass and the Pit. If at all possible, try to avoid this Hammer Film:
___ Watch any of the first seven or eight Simpsons Halloween specials. Don't watch none made after that tho'.
___ (Add yer own here)
___ Watch Halloween stoned.
___ Watch Pieces drunk.
___ Watch Wild Zero drunk & stoned.
___ Watch Evil Dead II on coke.
___ Watch Suspiria while coming down from a psychedelic mushroom high.
___ Watch Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge with a sarcastic gay guy. I cannot stress this one enough.
___ See if you can watch a Lucio Fulci giallo film and eat a whole sub sandwich without gagging.
___ Watch statuesque mod Euro-lesbians get hatcheted in Torso; when they fall over operatically dead, point out that you can see their bonkers armpit hair.
___ Watch zombified breaded chicken pieces terrorize Ronald McDonald:
Click to view___ Rent any three of the Friday the 13th sequels and take a shot of butterscotch schnapps every time you see a nipple. (For the record: Jason X and Freddy Vs. Jason don't count as Friday the 13th sequels, nor do they count as actual movies.)
___ Rent The Shining and suddenly remember, 20 minutes in, that it sucks.
___ Get to (at least) second base while watching C.H.U.D..
___ Watch any movie revolving around the revenge of an undead heavy-metal frontman. (Suggestions: Trick Or Treat, Rocktober Blood, Black Roses, Shock 'Em Dead.)
___ Watch Return of the Living Dead the way it was meant to be seen: on a fading VHS print. Also, blare the volume of SSQ's "Tonight (We Make Love Till We Die)" while doing an acrobatic pelvic shimmy and wearing nothing but baby-blue legwarmers.
___ Watch somethin' with Vincent Price. Imitate his cackle throughout.
___ Watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a group of friends, and every time Grandpa appears on the screen, point out, "HEY, IT'S JOHN McCAIN!" Savor everyone's appreciative laughter. Then repeat it way too many times and get on everyone's nerves. (Or do the same thing with Re-Animator, but point out the severed head of John Kerry instead.)
___ Watch that kid get smushed in Final Destination 2.
___ Watch that really fucking creepy episode of The Muppet Show where all the Muppets get killed, starting when Scooter bursts into Liza Minnelli's dressing room to tell her she has fifteen seconds till curtain, then drops dead with a knife in his back. Complain aloud that TV was way more badass back then.
___ Watch Tyra Banks get killed in Halloween: Resurrection and Paris Hilton get killed in House Of Wax. Freeze-frame these moments and meditate upon them.
___ Host a party where everyone dresses as their favorite character from Sleepaway Camp. Have everyone dressed as Judy recite the line, "Hey AN-GULL-UH... How come you don't take SHOWWWWWW'RS when the REST of us do? ... Huh?... You QUEEEEEEER or somethin'?" Whoever does the best job wins a straightening iron.
___ Don't watch any of Eli Roth's movies. Just don't. Dude's been encouraged more than enough. If you absolutely gotta watch a horror flick made in the past few years, watch The Descent.
___ Make a little kid watch the final twenty minutes (or, failing that, the final 40 seconds) of Carrie, thereby warping them for life. (Don't try this with The Rage: Carrie 2, unless you want the kid to double over in hysterical laughter when a telekinesis-haywire CD-changer starts flinging out Eve 6 CD's that decapitate braying jocks at a kegger.)
___ Write a 5,000 word essay examining the use of anti-feminist themes in Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II.
___ Forward around the YouTube link for the horror movie I made last year with willie_randolph and mechmuertos, EVERY ROB ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER:
___ Watch that DirectTV commercial that utilizes footage from Poltergeist and cringe that it commercializes little blonde Carol Anne, who didn't make it to her 13th birthday. Wish for the Poltergeist curse to finally splatter Craig T. Nelson for his participation.
___ Watch a Hammer Film: Brides Of Dracula or The Gorgon or Devil Rides Out Quatermass and the Pit. If at all possible, try to avoid this Hammer Film:
___ Watch any of the first seven or eight Simpsons Halloween specials. Don't watch none made after that tho'.
___ (Add yer own here)