My next AON article, also posted here for no good reason.
THE 1980’S ARE STILL VAGUELY AMUSING: 5 Notably Rawkin’ 80’s-Mercials
1. (Dancin’!) Barbie & the Rockers!
There was a time in the mid-80’s that Barbie n’ company’s stranglehold on the disproportionately-leggy plastic doll market was in danger of being usurped by the far rawkin’er Jem and the Holograms. Jem’s blonde mane was moussier than Barbie’s, she could swing a mean microphone cord, and she had the superhero appeal of a holographic supercomputer that turned her music-producer alter ego into a pseudo-new-wave superstar. For the bad girls who didn’t go in for that girly eyelash-batting “doll” shit, there was also the Holograms’ heavily animal-printed rival girl-band the Misfits (none of whom, I might add, bore even the slightest resemblance to Glenn Danzig or even sang about exhuming corpses for purposes of sexual release). Stodgy, unhip Barbie suddenly had to prove she was unafraid of chipping a nail on a bass plectrum or backstage wine cooler bottle. It was time to bring in the fancy day-glo lighting schemes, pyrotechnics, smoke machines, and an alluring rock-n’-roll feature that Jem could never catch up to: dolls that could dance spasmodically. Rad!
Barbie even makes sure to belt out “Now I dance with my man” in song-so no worries, Barbie ain’t no Joan Jettish rock-n’-roll dyke and Ken isn’t going anywhere. He is, however, sporting an overmoussed platinum mane and singing the slow, sensitive parts of the songs while lounging dreamily next to a spiral staircase. Now you’re a part of the 80’s rock n’ roll scene, Ken. Mattell can always count on you to bring the gay.
2. McGruff & Regina Say No To Drugs!
You just can’t talk about 80’s TV without lingering on its most overemphasized “very special episode” catalyst (that is, outside of predatory scout leaders): Sayin’ No To The Drugs. Kids, of course, were far too jaded to take this message seriously if it were only delivered by Punky Brewster and/or McGruff the Crime Dog, so in this very special Saturday morning PSA, McGruff enlisted “Baby Love” one-hit wonder Regina as his ever-gesticulating duet partner. Regina croons to us that “users are losers and losers are users,” which seems reductive; are we to believe our PSA spokesgurl is sachaying around in cummerbund-bound parachute pants because she’s actually some sort of winner?
There was, of course, a whole generation of high school chicks who regularly funneled their hair into a fluorescent lower-intestine ‘do just like Regina does here. (This style remained wildly popular until it was overridden in 1993 with the 4 Non Blondes’ dreadlocks / stovepipe hat / aviator goggles look.)
3. You Can Do the Pac-Man!
If there’s one tenet that set the 80’s on fire, it’s that every weirdo got their own nauseating breakfast cereal, usually loaded with stale marshmallows. This is the sort of thing that happens when Wall Street is booming and yuppies have extra spendin’ cash: there is extra demand for cereal shaped like irregular Cabbage Patch Kids. Other new cereal moguls included Mr. T, the Ghostbusters, C3P0, Rainbow Brite, Bill & Ted, the Gremlins, G.I. Joe, the cutlery-flinging Swedish Chef, and Nintendo (split into individually sealed but equally gross Berry Zelda and Fruity Mario halves). But not even cereal designed to taste like post-microwaved Gremlins had prepubescent, multiracial backup dancers as badass and sugar-ravaged as Pac-Man Cereal’s, nor did they inspire a coast-to-coast dance craze as frenzied as this. You, too, as our singer belts out, can do the Pac-Man. Dig the choreography on the terrified silhouette freeze-frame: they don’t make ‘em like this no more. Let’s all of us do the Pac-Man.
4. Johnny Cash Actually Sings About Taco Bell For A Paycheck!
I’ve been screening 80’s-mercials at local alcohol-intensive film venues for some time, and this one never fails to receive outraged groans and boos. People simply do not want to accept that it exists. Technically, it’s from 1992, but it’s still a commercial where the Man In Black struts around singing about Taco Bell and recommends, in grave baritone verse, “You’d better make a run for the border, son, you’d better make a border dash.” Worth noting: Cash is never actually shown singing about Taco Bell, which one can only assume was an adamant contract negotiation. He is, however, shown making an awful, awful pun and sealing it with a wink, which you can tell will haunt him as severely as the childhood death of his brother. I stand by the argument that this commercial should have been shown under the closing credits of “Walk The Line.”
5. The ’85 Plymouth Duster!
Truly the “West Side Story” of 80’s-mercials, this flurry of phantasmagoric coked-up dance freakouts in a pewter wasteland aches to make the ’85 Plymouth Duster look cool and-this is the thing-actually sort of succeeds, at least for the minute and a half it takes to watch. The tune is surprisingly infectious in all its oversynthesized charm… and doesn’t America deserve a car that inspires acrobatic backflips off futuristic stainless-steel scaffolding?
1. (Dancin’!) Barbie & the Rockers!
There was a time in the mid-80’s that Barbie n’ company’s stranglehold on the disproportionately-leggy plastic doll market was in danger of being usurped by the far rawkin’er Jem and the Holograms. Jem’s blonde mane was moussier than Barbie’s, she could swing a mean microphone cord, and she had the superhero appeal of a holographic supercomputer that turned her music-producer alter ego into a pseudo-new-wave superstar. For the bad girls who didn’t go in for that girly eyelash-batting “doll” shit, there was also the Holograms’ heavily animal-printed rival girl-band the Misfits (none of whom, I might add, bore even the slightest resemblance to Glenn Danzig or even sang about exhuming corpses for purposes of sexual release). Stodgy, unhip Barbie suddenly had to prove she was unafraid of chipping a nail on a bass plectrum or backstage wine cooler bottle. It was time to bring in the fancy day-glo lighting schemes, pyrotechnics, smoke machines, and an alluring rock-n’-roll feature that Jem could never catch up to: dolls that could dance spasmodically. Rad!
Click to viewBarbie even makes sure to belt out “Now I dance with my man” in song-so no worries, Barbie ain’t no Joan Jettish rock-n’-roll dyke and Ken isn’t going anywhere. He is, however, sporting an overmoussed platinum mane and singing the slow, sensitive parts of the songs while lounging dreamily next to a spiral staircase. Now you’re a part of the 80’s rock n’ roll scene, Ken. Mattell can always count on you to bring the gay.
2. McGruff & Regina Say No To Drugs!
You just can’t talk about 80’s TV without lingering on its most overemphasized “very special episode” catalyst (that is, outside of predatory scout leaders): Sayin’ No To The Drugs. Kids, of course, were far too jaded to take this message seriously if it were only delivered by Punky Brewster and/or McGruff the Crime Dog, so in this very special Saturday morning PSA, McGruff enlisted “Baby Love” one-hit wonder Regina as his ever-gesticulating duet partner. Regina croons to us that “users are losers and losers are users,” which seems reductive; are we to believe our PSA spokesgurl is sachaying around in cummerbund-bound parachute pants because she’s actually some sort of winner?
There was, of course, a whole generation of high school chicks who regularly funneled their hair into a fluorescent lower-intestine ‘do just like Regina does here. (This style remained wildly popular until it was overridden in 1993 with the 4 Non Blondes’ dreadlocks / stovepipe hat / aviator goggles look.)
3. You Can Do the Pac-Man!
If there’s one tenet that set the 80’s on fire, it’s that every weirdo got their own nauseating breakfast cereal, usually loaded with stale marshmallows. This is the sort of thing that happens when Wall Street is booming and yuppies have extra spendin’ cash: there is extra demand for cereal shaped like irregular Cabbage Patch Kids. Other new cereal moguls included Mr. T, the Ghostbusters, C3P0, Rainbow Brite, Bill & Ted, the Gremlins, G.I. Joe, the cutlery-flinging Swedish Chef, and Nintendo (split into individually sealed but equally gross Berry Zelda and Fruity Mario halves). But not even cereal designed to taste like post-microwaved Gremlins had prepubescent, multiracial backup dancers as badass and sugar-ravaged as Pac-Man Cereal’s, nor did they inspire a coast-to-coast dance craze as frenzied as this. You, too, as our singer belts out, can do the Pac-Man. Dig the choreography on the terrified silhouette freeze-frame: they don’t make ‘em like this no more. Let’s all of us do the Pac-Man.
4. Johnny Cash Actually Sings About Taco Bell For A Paycheck!
I’ve been screening 80’s-mercials at local alcohol-intensive film venues for some time, and this one never fails to receive outraged groans and boos. People simply do not want to accept that it exists. Technically, it’s from 1992, but it’s still a commercial where the Man In Black struts around singing about Taco Bell and recommends, in grave baritone verse, “You’d better make a run for the border, son, you’d better make a border dash.” Worth noting: Cash is never actually shown singing about Taco Bell, which one can only assume was an adamant contract negotiation. He is, however, shown making an awful, awful pun and sealing it with a wink, which you can tell will haunt him as severely as the childhood death of his brother. I stand by the argument that this commercial should have been shown under the closing credits of “Walk The Line.”
5. The ’85 Plymouth Duster!
Truly the “West Side Story” of 80’s-mercials, this flurry of phantasmagoric coked-up dance freakouts in a pewter wasteland aches to make the ’85 Plymouth Duster look cool and-this is the thing-actually sort of succeeds, at least for the minute and a half it takes to watch. The tune is surprisingly infectious in all its oversynthesized charm… and doesn’t America deserve a car that inspires acrobatic backflips off futuristic stainless-steel scaffolding?