A Quick Update.
mareeuh will be happy to know that I've been using Grammarly for over a year now and it has greatly improved my writing. No, this isn't an ad for Grammarly, but if you're curious why all of a sudden I am grammatically correct, here's your answer.
Hello Livejournal! Here's a quick run-down of what's happened since my last post:
- Masha and I are in the "it's complicated" stage. We aren't talking, and it's mostly my fault.
- I have discovered that I've suffered from anxiety for most of my life, and this discovery has led to a new transformation of myself.
- I'm living in The Netherlands for about two years now. I've just gotten a permanent work contract, so I don't see myself anywhere else in the world for the long future.
- Living in The Netherlands is interesting, maybe I'll write about it because it deserves its own post. Spoiler: It's not all about smoking pot and having sex with prostitutes.
- Yay, Coronavirus! People finally stay the fuck away from me, and it's okay to be a loner. Well, not only okay, but sanctioned by the government, and nearly mandated. Here's our time, fellow loners!
- I'm living in the nicest place I've ever lived, aside from the house Jocelyn and I had. It's on the 15th floor of a luxury apartment building overlooking downtown Eindhoven, Netherlands. Every morning, I wake up to a beautiful sunrise and a panorama view of the city as it comes to life.
- Reading over my "memories" here, it is incredible how much I've forgotten in the 15-years since I started this thing. I guess this is what people mean by as we get older, we forget things. Or maybe this is the early sign of Alzheimer's.
- Speaking of old, I'm 44 now, well, I have been for several months.
- I'm on a one-month vacation, so I'm trying to learn music during this time. I bought a midi controller, and that's a lot of fun. I just wish I knew what I was doing. lol
- Severe anxiety is an incredible force. But once I was able to silence the voice in my head, to be able to recognize it, I am much more relaxed. Because of my anxiety, Masha and I are in the "it's complicated" status. I have it under control, but the damage is already done. I fear that she will never talk with me again, and that's sad because I look back on our relationship and see that she genuinely loved me. We had a fantastic relationship; we got along so well, as good as two people could. But when I was anxious, all sorts of scenarios ran through my head, and I made unquestionably wrong accusations. As I look back at my other relationships, I see that I was the main problem. And look at me now: alone on Christmas day, 2020.
I'm seeing how beneficial it is to have a journal, more so than I have in the past.