(no subject)
I think that I really figured things out.
I love you. I love you with all of my heart. And you don't have to believe me, but I think at the end of whatever this is, you'll see too.
I am fucked up. You are fucked up. We are fucked up.
We both have so many things to deal and cope with. I need to take care of myself for one. I need to deal with the fact that I can't go and save a relationship just because I believe in the power of love. Because the fact is, love can fail. It failed with my parents. And it fucking hurts so bad knowing that I can be my parents and this can fail. It hurts me because I never want to go through what they did. But here I am, and I'm going through it. It kills me and breaks my heart in ways I never though imaginable. But the truth is, love is real and love is special. But there was a time when ours started failing. And that's okay because love can always be revived, but now until certain things happen. First and foremost, I need to face and conquer my problems. I am going to break the distance I've put between me and my Dad. I've been talking to my Mom more. I am realizing that people can still be people and they aren't shaped by who they are in love with. Which is what I let this relationship do to me, I let it shape me and let it turn into something that wasn't me. I am compassionate, and I care to fix things and to help, a lot more than most. But nothing in my morality or logic can explain to my why there's any reason we should be together, other than it's what we've come to know. And writing that hurts just as much as reading.
I think that you need to take care of the issues with your Dad. I think that you have your work cut out for you and if you are confused on where to start, evaluate every aspect of your life that he's affected and fix it. Shitty friends. Shitty relationships. Good relationships that you haven't treated with respect. Fix them. Take care of them. I know that my distance totally disconnects any pull or say I have in your life with your friends and I'm okay with that. It's not what I want, but it's what I've accepted. I can't tell you all of your problems and how to conquer them. That's something you know much better than me, and you're a lot more cut out to overcome them.
I know in my heart of hearts, that you can get through this. I know that I've never felt like someone was more cut out for me, and I love you with more than I could ever imagine. And I've never understood this saying until last night. I love you enough to let you go. And this is what I mean. I love you with all of my heart and the only thing that I've ever wanted was to make you happy and to take care of you. And I know for a concrete fact that my space and distance will ensure one of two things. You will either get on the path of fixing things because you know it's right. You will repair things with Cole. You will cut off who you need to cut out. You will love your Mom more and more every day for exactly what's she's done for you. Please tell her that I love her too. She is amazing. But there is another path. You can lose Cole, Abbey, Chelsea, people that care about you. That includes your Mom. She couldn't stop you from your path of destruction, she just has to walk it with you and you both know that. You can give in to whatever is itching in the back of your mind. But most hurtful of all, you can forget about me. See, I love you enough to give you that choice. I cannot, and will not be your crutch any longer. No one should be. You have to stand up and hold yourself up. I know that you're frail, but I also know that you cannot be incapable. You have to either start building yourself up, or hit the bottom and then start building yourself up. I love you enough to know that I cannot hold you up and make everything okay. I could take you back, but it wouldn't show you anything. Life is about learning from your mistakes and by taking you back I'd be telling you that it was okay, and it's not. I love you enough to know that after this, you will be the woman that you need to be and you will make someone incredibly happy. I hope and pray that eventually that person is me. I don't want to just talk in two years and wish what could have been. I hope that one day we can be together. But that day is not today, that day is not tomorrow, that day is not next month. That day isn't one where the sun rises and sets, that day is the one where you wake up and walk to the bathroom. Read the note from your Mom on the bear shaped whiteboard in your bathroom, tell her how much you love her and drive extra safe in the rain just because she told you too. You will goto school or work and you will work hard with the people around you. You will have some girlfriends that you can turn to for things other than venting your problems on. You will have some guy friends that you can relate to and hang out with and spend quality time with and know they care about you. You will surrounded by nothing but positive. And you can think it's not possible that everything is bound to fall apart, but the problem with everything built in your life is that someone else has built it for you. You have to grow up and build relationships for yourself. Not because you need someone to talk to, not because you need something to vent your problems to, and not because you can't do it alone. Because you want the companionship and the equal level of being in any relationship. I want to one day become level with you and be able to love you for you and have you love me for me. Not because we need each other. Not because it feels comfortable or convinient. But because we love each other and would do anything for each other. Because I'm telling you right now that I love you enough to do anything for you. And I know you well enough to know what's best for you. So as my last action and my last decision until I don't know when. I'm letting you go. I have to. And I'm sorry there isn't any other way. I tried and tried, but it comes down to you wanting this. And it comes down to you being ready for this. And I'm sorry that you're crying because I am too. I'm sorry I can't hold you. I'm sorry I can't tell you that everything is going to be okay, because I don't know that it will be any time soon. It's up to you to make whatever life you choose. But know that you've made me happier. You've made me more of a complete person, even though you aren't here. You've impacted me in a positive way. And for however long I have to be away, you can always know in the bottom of your heart and you changed someones life in such a huge way and for that I can never repay you. I pray that I can get to a point of being able to talk to you again. But I don't know when that will happen. I can't tell you anything because I don't know anything. But I can tell you that I love you with all of my heart. And I hope now that you see it clearly. If you don't, come back and read this anytime.
It's 11/11. Make a wish and don't forget about me.
I love you.
I love you. I love you with all of my heart. And you don't have to believe me, but I think at the end of whatever this is, you'll see too.
I am fucked up. You are fucked up. We are fucked up.
We both have so many things to deal and cope with. I need to take care of myself for one. I need to deal with the fact that I can't go and save a relationship just because I believe in the power of love. Because the fact is, love can fail. It failed with my parents. And it fucking hurts so bad knowing that I can be my parents and this can fail. It hurts me because I never want to go through what they did. But here I am, and I'm going through it. It kills me and breaks my heart in ways I never though imaginable. But the truth is, love is real and love is special. But there was a time when ours started failing. And that's okay because love can always be revived, but now until certain things happen. First and foremost, I need to face and conquer my problems. I am going to break the distance I've put between me and my Dad. I've been talking to my Mom more. I am realizing that people can still be people and they aren't shaped by who they are in love with. Which is what I let this relationship do to me, I let it shape me and let it turn into something that wasn't me. I am compassionate, and I care to fix things and to help, a lot more than most. But nothing in my morality or logic can explain to my why there's any reason we should be together, other than it's what we've come to know. And writing that hurts just as much as reading.
I think that you need to take care of the issues with your Dad. I think that you have your work cut out for you and if you are confused on where to start, evaluate every aspect of your life that he's affected and fix it. Shitty friends. Shitty relationships. Good relationships that you haven't treated with respect. Fix them. Take care of them. I know that my distance totally disconnects any pull or say I have in your life with your friends and I'm okay with that. It's not what I want, but it's what I've accepted. I can't tell you all of your problems and how to conquer them. That's something you know much better than me, and you're a lot more cut out to overcome them.
I know in my heart of hearts, that you can get through this. I know that I've never felt like someone was more cut out for me, and I love you with more than I could ever imagine. And I've never understood this saying until last night. I love you enough to let you go. And this is what I mean. I love you with all of my heart and the only thing that I've ever wanted was to make you happy and to take care of you. And I know for a concrete fact that my space and distance will ensure one of two things. You will either get on the path of fixing things because you know it's right. You will repair things with Cole. You will cut off who you need to cut out. You will love your Mom more and more every day for exactly what's she's done for you. Please tell her that I love her too. She is amazing. But there is another path. You can lose Cole, Abbey, Chelsea, people that care about you. That includes your Mom. She couldn't stop you from your path of destruction, she just has to walk it with you and you both know that. You can give in to whatever is itching in the back of your mind. But most hurtful of all, you can forget about me. See, I love you enough to give you that choice. I cannot, and will not be your crutch any longer. No one should be. You have to stand up and hold yourself up. I know that you're frail, but I also know that you cannot be incapable. You have to either start building yourself up, or hit the bottom and then start building yourself up. I love you enough to know that I cannot hold you up and make everything okay. I could take you back, but it wouldn't show you anything. Life is about learning from your mistakes and by taking you back I'd be telling you that it was okay, and it's not. I love you enough to know that after this, you will be the woman that you need to be and you will make someone incredibly happy. I hope and pray that eventually that person is me. I don't want to just talk in two years and wish what could have been. I hope that one day we can be together. But that day is not today, that day is not tomorrow, that day is not next month. That day isn't one where the sun rises and sets, that day is the one where you wake up and walk to the bathroom. Read the note from your Mom on the bear shaped whiteboard in your bathroom, tell her how much you love her and drive extra safe in the rain just because she told you too. You will goto school or work and you will work hard with the people around you. You will have some girlfriends that you can turn to for things other than venting your problems on. You will have some guy friends that you can relate to and hang out with and spend quality time with and know they care about you. You will surrounded by nothing but positive. And you can think it's not possible that everything is bound to fall apart, but the problem with everything built in your life is that someone else has built it for you. You have to grow up and build relationships for yourself. Not because you need someone to talk to, not because you need something to vent your problems to, and not because you can't do it alone. Because you want the companionship and the equal level of being in any relationship. I want to one day become level with you and be able to love you for you and have you love me for me. Not because we need each other. Not because it feels comfortable or convinient. But because we love each other and would do anything for each other. Because I'm telling you right now that I love you enough to do anything for you. And I know you well enough to know what's best for you. So as my last action and my last decision until I don't know when. I'm letting you go. I have to. And I'm sorry there isn't any other way. I tried and tried, but it comes down to you wanting this. And it comes down to you being ready for this. And I'm sorry that you're crying because I am too. I'm sorry I can't hold you. I'm sorry I can't tell you that everything is going to be okay, because I don't know that it will be any time soon. It's up to you to make whatever life you choose. But know that you've made me happier. You've made me more of a complete person, even though you aren't here. You've impacted me in a positive way. And for however long I have to be away, you can always know in the bottom of your heart and you changed someones life in such a huge way and for that I can never repay you. I pray that I can get to a point of being able to talk to you again. But I don't know when that will happen. I can't tell you anything because I don't know anything. But I can tell you that I love you with all of my heart. And I hope now that you see it clearly. If you don't, come back and read this anytime.
It's 11/11. Make a wish and don't forget about me.
I love you.