(no subject)
I can't stop crying. This is fucking rediculous.
I don't even know if I'm angry. I just can't fucking take the fact that this is happening.
You aren't going to fix your problem today. Or tomorrow. I don't know that you'll ever figure it out. I'm so incredibly scared that you're going to just go further down this path until you make a decision you can't take back. I realize now that I could never fix any of your problems because you wouldn't let me. I wanted to fix everything and live in this perfect world, and I did for a long time. But I realize now that ignorance is bliss to the fact that everything lost. Now that I'm looking at everything, because of the one lie that I know for sure, how much more was. Was loving me a lie? Was doing all of this a lie? I have no idea now. It breaks my fucking heart into a thousand pieces thinking about how some fucking guy is more important than me. And it's not about your friends being more important than me, it's just some fucking random guy. And you know in the heart of hearts that he means nothing to you. You haven't even convinced yourself that he's worth anything. You just needed to fuck this up because you can't accept anything. You can't accept the fact that someone other than people permanently attached to you (Your Mom) loves you with all of their heart. And that's okay. It's just a fucking nightmare for me because since when did I derserve this? I did nothing but pour my heart and everything I fucking am into you and this relationship. I did nothing except love you with all of my heart and everything inside of me. So since when does that mean that I get this in return? I can't fucking sleep. I can't stop crying. I have no idea what to do with myself. I didn't make any mistakes. I didn't fuck up. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I didn't do anything to drive you away. So why are you running? The thing that I'm so fucking scared of is that this is that you're going to keep going down this path of destruction and you're going to end up with new scars, a hangover, a noseblood, and no one to turn to. I know how fragile you are but I have to hide my heart. You are the most amazing girl I've met in my entire life. You have blown me away with what a person can be, and then you blew me away again with how you could care less about me. I'm so sorry that I'm writing this, but it's all true. I'm sorry that you're probably crying now. Reading this in class isn't helping either, I should have warned you. But you need to know that you have problems. Therapy would probably be good for both of us. But the problems you have aren't anything new. You replaced you scars with broken hearts. And it's the same thing. You know it hurts, but why does it feel so good? I just want you to know that you mean the world to your Mother and you can't let her down. Keep breaking hearts because they mend well, don't make new scars. And you know that substance has everything except the title. But when you hit a wall in your path, realize that you can't just turn back and make everything right. Because everything is wrong. I'm trying so desperately to let you go, and I'm already jealous of the guy who's going to find you when you figure this out because you will make him so incredibly happy. I don't think it will be me, but here's to our wishful thinking.
"Just hang your head. Just close your eyes. Just hide your heart."
I don't even know if I'm angry. I just can't fucking take the fact that this is happening.
You aren't going to fix your problem today. Or tomorrow. I don't know that you'll ever figure it out. I'm so incredibly scared that you're going to just go further down this path until you make a decision you can't take back. I realize now that I could never fix any of your problems because you wouldn't let me. I wanted to fix everything and live in this perfect world, and I did for a long time. But I realize now that ignorance is bliss to the fact that everything lost. Now that I'm looking at everything, because of the one lie that I know for sure, how much more was. Was loving me a lie? Was doing all of this a lie? I have no idea now. It breaks my fucking heart into a thousand pieces thinking about how some fucking guy is more important than me. And it's not about your friends being more important than me, it's just some fucking random guy. And you know in the heart of hearts that he means nothing to you. You haven't even convinced yourself that he's worth anything. You just needed to fuck this up because you can't accept anything. You can't accept the fact that someone other than people permanently attached to you (Your Mom) loves you with all of their heart. And that's okay. It's just a fucking nightmare for me because since when did I derserve this? I did nothing but pour my heart and everything I fucking am into you and this relationship. I did nothing except love you with all of my heart and everything inside of me. So since when does that mean that I get this in return? I can't fucking sleep. I can't stop crying. I have no idea what to do with myself. I didn't make any mistakes. I didn't fuck up. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I didn't do anything to drive you away. So why are you running? The thing that I'm so fucking scared of is that this is that you're going to keep going down this path of destruction and you're going to end up with new scars, a hangover, a noseblood, and no one to turn to. I know how fragile you are but I have to hide my heart. You are the most amazing girl I've met in my entire life. You have blown me away with what a person can be, and then you blew me away again with how you could care less about me. I'm so sorry that I'm writing this, but it's all true. I'm sorry that you're probably crying now. Reading this in class isn't helping either, I should have warned you. But you need to know that you have problems. Therapy would probably be good for both of us. But the problems you have aren't anything new. You replaced you scars with broken hearts. And it's the same thing. You know it hurts, but why does it feel so good? I just want you to know that you mean the world to your Mother and you can't let her down. Keep breaking hearts because they mend well, don't make new scars. And you know that substance has everything except the title. But when you hit a wall in your path, realize that you can't just turn back and make everything right. Because everything is wrong. I'm trying so desperately to let you go, and I'm already jealous of the guy who's going to find you when you figure this out because you will make him so incredibly happy. I don't think it will be me, but here's to our wishful thinking.
"Just hang your head. Just close your eyes. Just hide your heart."