(no subject)
I know that I'm cut out to be involved with music in my life because everything somehow links back together in my head.
Yesterday, a regular customer at the coffee shop I work at was walking up. His name is Bob. Bob is a pretty old guy and always walked with a cane. He always came in with his wife, cane in one hand, and wife in the other. He buys two porcelain mugs and drinks a cup and reads with his wife about twice a week. Bob was one of those old guys who know how to make someone laugh. He would always make innapropriate jokes about the girls I work with and stuff like that and he knows that he's making a dirty joke. I think Bob knows that he's old and he can get away with stuff like that, so he chooses to pretty often. And while his back hasn't arched into a hobble with his cane, you can see in his eyes how much his life has been worth. You can tell just from a few conversations that he's been the inspiration in many people's lives. You can tell just by being around him and seeing him with his wife that Bob has loved every minute of living and has always made the most out of the opportunity that's arisen, as well as capitalized on love with his wife who's he's been with since dinosaurs ruled the earth.
Bob stopped coming in last week.
I hadn't really noticed until he came in yesterday. He walked up, a lot slower than usual. I then noticed that he had a walker, not a cane. And I told my coworker, "Bob is using a walker now," she said "I heard he hasn't been doing so great." And even while Bob isn't a great friend, that he can barely remember my name, it still bummed me out. And in the middle of the morning rush, I walked out and opened the door for him just to greet him and tell him we're glad he was here he smiled and said "Thank you young man." To which I replied "So how are you doing Bob?" And he chuckled to himself as he was getting through the doorway and said to me "Jason. Let me give you some advice. Don't get old."
This wasn't a joke. Bob was being serious. After everything that I can assess in Bob, he tell me to not get old. I immediately proceeded to walk to the back and cry. I'm not a really emotional guy. I can be dramatic, but not emotional. But I sat on a tub of espresso beans and just cried thinking about how Bob clearly doesn't want to live anymore. And when I rang him up, his wife looked at him like she was slowly losing a grip on Bobs hand. She knows, as I know, that Bob is dying. He doesn't look like himself, and he clearly wasn't acting like it.
While I was sitting on that tub of beans, I thought to myself of the American Nightmare lyrics in a song called "God Save The Queen" where Wes says "Die young, or live forever?" And I've always sort of brushed it off but then it hit me. Die young, doesn't mean dying at a young age. It means to die with the mentality that you can still be young at heart. People get so weathered by all the bullshit around them that they give up on trying to live or make any sort of difference. I can honestly say that I don't ever want to live a day in my life where I would refuse making a positive difference in anyone's life. And people live like that every day, trying to slip under the radar and out of sight and mind. Every day when I wake up, I goto work. I usually see my girlfriend. Play guitar, I've nearly got a routine for every day of the week. And while sometimes I feel like I'm wasting away (And I am, but it's not relevant to this), I don't ever want to lose the idea that I can make a difference at work and in my friends lives that can be positive. And that keeps me going. I'd feel like I was living forever, every day, over and over if I was just avoiding everything. I would never be able to live with myself, seeing the good and the bad in the world and brushing it off as something out of my hands and out of reach to affect.
"Die young, or live forever. I'm just trying to refind my heart. It was always there just hard to see in the dark."
I'm trying to refind my heart. I'm trying so hard to die young. But it's not always easy. It's easy to slip under the radar and not be anything or anyone. It's hard and it breaks you down being in the forefront of trying to live a meaningful life. I constantly trying to refind my heart because when everything around me just shits all over me, I break down. My emotions overtake me, my heart starts beating faster, I listen to my breathing and I can feel that sense of heat overtake me and I just reach that point where I can't do it. And then I have to refind my heart. It's hard to see in the darkness of everything around you, but when you do find it, you realize it was never lost, just hard to see. When I get angry, or sad, or upset, or any extreme emotion, I have to refind my heart and tell myself "This is worth it and this is where my heart is". Whenever I fight with Sarah, I get upset, but then I refind my heart and say "This is worth it and this is where my heart is." And right now in my life, I have to figure out if I can still say "This is worth it, and this is where my heart is." Because if I can't, then change is what I will immediately face.
Yesterday, a regular customer at the coffee shop I work at was walking up. His name is Bob. Bob is a pretty old guy and always walked with a cane. He always came in with his wife, cane in one hand, and wife in the other. He buys two porcelain mugs and drinks a cup and reads with his wife about twice a week. Bob was one of those old guys who know how to make someone laugh. He would always make innapropriate jokes about the girls I work with and stuff like that and he knows that he's making a dirty joke. I think Bob knows that he's old and he can get away with stuff like that, so he chooses to pretty often. And while his back hasn't arched into a hobble with his cane, you can see in his eyes how much his life has been worth. You can tell just from a few conversations that he's been the inspiration in many people's lives. You can tell just by being around him and seeing him with his wife that Bob has loved every minute of living and has always made the most out of the opportunity that's arisen, as well as capitalized on love with his wife who's he's been with since dinosaurs ruled the earth.
Bob stopped coming in last week.
I hadn't really noticed until he came in yesterday. He walked up, a lot slower than usual. I then noticed that he had a walker, not a cane. And I told my coworker, "Bob is using a walker now," she said "I heard he hasn't been doing so great." And even while Bob isn't a great friend, that he can barely remember my name, it still bummed me out. And in the middle of the morning rush, I walked out and opened the door for him just to greet him and tell him we're glad he was here he smiled and said "Thank you young man." To which I replied "So how are you doing Bob?" And he chuckled to himself as he was getting through the doorway and said to me "Jason. Let me give you some advice. Don't get old."
This wasn't a joke. Bob was being serious. After everything that I can assess in Bob, he tell me to not get old. I immediately proceeded to walk to the back and cry. I'm not a really emotional guy. I can be dramatic, but not emotional. But I sat on a tub of espresso beans and just cried thinking about how Bob clearly doesn't want to live anymore. And when I rang him up, his wife looked at him like she was slowly losing a grip on Bobs hand. She knows, as I know, that Bob is dying. He doesn't look like himself, and he clearly wasn't acting like it.
While I was sitting on that tub of beans, I thought to myself of the American Nightmare lyrics in a song called "God Save The Queen" where Wes says "Die young, or live forever?" And I've always sort of brushed it off but then it hit me. Die young, doesn't mean dying at a young age. It means to die with the mentality that you can still be young at heart. People get so weathered by all the bullshit around them that they give up on trying to live or make any sort of difference. I can honestly say that I don't ever want to live a day in my life where I would refuse making a positive difference in anyone's life. And people live like that every day, trying to slip under the radar and out of sight and mind. Every day when I wake up, I goto work. I usually see my girlfriend. Play guitar, I've nearly got a routine for every day of the week. And while sometimes I feel like I'm wasting away (And I am, but it's not relevant to this), I don't ever want to lose the idea that I can make a difference at work and in my friends lives that can be positive. And that keeps me going. I'd feel like I was living forever, every day, over and over if I was just avoiding everything. I would never be able to live with myself, seeing the good and the bad in the world and brushing it off as something out of my hands and out of reach to affect.
"Die young, or live forever. I'm just trying to refind my heart. It was always there just hard to see in the dark."
I'm trying to refind my heart. I'm trying so hard to die young. But it's not always easy. It's easy to slip under the radar and not be anything or anyone. It's hard and it breaks you down being in the forefront of trying to live a meaningful life. I constantly trying to refind my heart because when everything around me just shits all over me, I break down. My emotions overtake me, my heart starts beating faster, I listen to my breathing and I can feel that sense of heat overtake me and I just reach that point where I can't do it. And then I have to refind my heart. It's hard to see in the darkness of everything around you, but when you do find it, you realize it was never lost, just hard to see. When I get angry, or sad, or upset, or any extreme emotion, I have to refind my heart and tell myself "This is worth it and this is where my heart is". Whenever I fight with Sarah, I get upset, but then I refind my heart and say "This is worth it and this is where my heart is." And right now in my life, I have to figure out if I can still say "This is worth it, and this is where my heart is." Because if I can't, then change is what I will immediately face.