If I just let go, I'd be set free
It's not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy.
Why am I even having these thoughts right now?
I'm holding on, why is everything so heavy?
These thoughts.
They are so heavy.
Why am I thinking the world would be better off without me? Why am I having these thoughts again? Am I lonely? Am I depressed? Am I stupid? I'm holding on to so much more than I can carry.
I can't tell her these things. She has her own demons to deal with. Why are mine coming back now? Why is everything so heavy?
Here I am, 34 years old now, and my demons still haunt me. They have been dormant for a while, but they are peeking around the corner.
Life has changed, heh, so fucking much. I can't even emphasize that statement.I got married, she left. Now, I'm engaged again. That isn't even the half of it, but that is here and now.
Can I be honest? Sometimes I don't want to be here anymore. Sometimes, I think the world would be better off without me. Maybe that is just the culture we live in now. Depression, is well, common. Suicide is.. the answer, these days. Statistics are through the roof.
What the fuck is going on in my head? Why is it that, when I get lost in my head, usually late at night, usually when I drink, by myself, I get these thoughts? No one will ever read this shit anymore. I feel like all I have is myself, and I can't depend on myself. Not like I ever could before, but, fuck now I feel so god damn alone.
See, I have a fiance now.
I don't even know what I want right now. Not about her, just with me. See, I have this never ending thought of ending it all. But, it only comes and goes. Right now, it's very prominent. Probably because I'm in my feels, and I'm alone, and I have no one to talk to about this. God, it's so fucking intense. There's no escape when I get like this. I just need to sleep, and hope that tomorrow's a better day.
That's what I've been doing for the past, oh I don't know, more than half of my life. I have this fucking uncontrollable urge to cut. I haven't felt that in years. Not since Tasha. I wish I could just slow everything the fuck down. My mind has always been a 100000 miles a minute.( See reference to later entries.)
I fucking hate you. More so, I fucking hate the fact that I don't fucking hate you at all. You left me, in pieces. You, you don't even give a fuck. I hate you for that. It's not fair. I was so fucking good to you. More than you deserved. You left me. Fuck you. You were supposed to be there forever. I wasn't good enough. I'm never good enough. I don't know what I'm thinking now. I'm still not good enough. I never will be. She wants dick. I don't have dick. I'm absolutely the worst person to pick.
I don't like my mind right now. Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary. Wish that I could slow things down, I want to let go, but there's comfort in the panic. And I drive myself crazy thinking everything's about me. Yeah I drive myself crazy cuz I can't escape the gravity.
Holding on, why is everything so heavy. Holding on, to so much more than I can carry. I keep dragging around what's bringing me down, if I just let go I'd be set free.
These fucking thoughts man. They won't fade. It's like it comes back into my mind 10 fold. No matter what I try. My head. I don't want to be there anymore.
I need to be on medications. Suicide is too mainstream these days. Kind of like it's normal. I don't fucking want that. Why the fuck is that where my mind goes. God, I hate my head. It completely fucks up everything.
I am alone in my thoughts, because you would rather be anywhere else than here with me. Sorry but that is how I feel. Sometimes, you don't speak at all to me. Sometimes I don't get kisses unless I ask for them. Most of the time really. Sometimes you are all over me, and sometimes you act like I don't even exist. You confuse me. I know you don't need me, but do you want me? Do you want me more than dick? Because I need to know that. My mind is the darkest place I have ventured, and you don't understand it. I automatically go there. I need to KNOW that you chose me, every day. Yeah, I may be needy, but if you could only get a glimpse in my mind, you would know. You would know.
Out.