Silent Day
For a moment when my mouth is very quietly closed... and no thoughts surface to my tongue, I have a few lingering thoughts at my finger tips.
School... permeates me. no complaint, this is merely fact. It is invigorating. I feel like I am home in this process (and it is a never ending process, no?)... I break between studying, sleep between breaks, drive to school and start all over again. I am ready to begin.
Lots of dreams lately. Always. Thick dreams, silly dreams... dreams of longing rather than of fighting. This is new, or different... a change of pace... I simultaneously long for Andy and experience him in my longing... dreams of my hands around his solid frame... arms warmed in the embrace... there is something so familiar, so internally familiar about who he is... as if there was this spot in my soul that was always waiting for him. I find myself nodding in my fantasies, in my day dreams of normal day to day life with him... "yes... yes... this is how it is... how it was... this is how we are." There is a flow and a rhythm to my love for him, and for us... the wavelengths shorten but are never frantic... just soothing inevitability. God and I are proud of my calmness... We watch as I choose this path and make it my own... and embrace the moment I am in.
I wrestle with the idea... to live in the moment... so many of my moments lack a tangible version of Andy. Does that mean that most of my life is spent with out him. If I were to live in the moment, and in that moment analyze and appreciate every aspect of my life...I feel like I would be sad and lonely for his presence. If I live in the moment as if there were all there is - forever, then that is forever with out Andy. Something tells me though (cliche, of course), that this moment is filled with him, and everyone else I love... here or there, living or dead. So the only reason I would feel lonely is if I chose to. What a silly choice. How human. I am both silly and human. But these reflections are comforting.
Back to the books.
School... permeates me. no complaint, this is merely fact. It is invigorating. I feel like I am home in this process (and it is a never ending process, no?)... I break between studying, sleep between breaks, drive to school and start all over again. I am ready to begin.
Lots of dreams lately. Always. Thick dreams, silly dreams... dreams of longing rather than of fighting. This is new, or different... a change of pace... I simultaneously long for Andy and experience him in my longing... dreams of my hands around his solid frame... arms warmed in the embrace... there is something so familiar, so internally familiar about who he is... as if there was this spot in my soul that was always waiting for him. I find myself nodding in my fantasies, in my day dreams of normal day to day life with him... "yes... yes... this is how it is... how it was... this is how we are." There is a flow and a rhythm to my love for him, and for us... the wavelengths shorten but are never frantic... just soothing inevitability. God and I are proud of my calmness... We watch as I choose this path and make it my own... and embrace the moment I am in.
I wrestle with the idea... to live in the moment... so many of my moments lack a tangible version of Andy. Does that mean that most of my life is spent with out him. If I were to live in the moment, and in that moment analyze and appreciate every aspect of my life...I feel like I would be sad and lonely for his presence. If I live in the moment as if there were all there is - forever, then that is forever with out Andy. Something tells me though (cliche, of course), that this moment is filled with him, and everyone else I love... here or there, living or dead. So the only reason I would feel lonely is if I chose to. What a silly choice. How human. I am both silly and human. But these reflections are comforting.
Back to the books.