Sea sick green is my color for tonight
(remember how it felt the first time you noticed someone else's heart beating other than your's?)
whenever i feel completely drained & depressed, i go through sickening cycle where i lay on the floor for hours contemplating whether or not i should get up and do something. bake some muffins, drink some milk, plant a new floral bulb in the garden, paint . . ... anything, i should really get off the ground & teach my limbs to move again.
i can say it has taken me more than three months but i am completely not bitter about my past relationships. & think i am more drained than anything. emotionally drained, but the funny part is that i have so much emotion left over. it's ridiculous to feel this much when you don't seem to have anything left. i know i am growing. really slow, but i am growing & learning to adapt to other humanly contact & their emotions too. i become real slow about everything when i am beginning to understand and care about someone else's feelings.
i lit some blue candles last night around the bathtub & meditated heavily on getting my emotions to be constant for more than a day. i feel like i am on a boat, moving up as fast as i am falling down. all of this is leaving me sick and crying. i want to use the money I have to travel. i want to pack a suitcase & travel, just to get out of my mind's state. i want to feel safe & warm. i want be able to sail my own boat. i dont want boy anxiety, i dont want to feel locked behind bars.
i used to have this reoccuring dreams where i am floating away from everything. i dont have those anymore. i am thinking it's a sign for me to get up & start living.
whenever i feel completely drained & depressed, i go through sickening cycle where i lay on the floor for hours contemplating whether or not i should get up and do something. bake some muffins, drink some milk, plant a new floral bulb in the garden, paint . . ... anything, i should really get off the ground & teach my limbs to move again.
i can say it has taken me more than three months but i am completely not bitter about my past relationships. & think i am more drained than anything. emotionally drained, but the funny part is that i have so much emotion left over. it's ridiculous to feel this much when you don't seem to have anything left. i know i am growing. really slow, but i am growing & learning to adapt to other humanly contact & their emotions too. i become real slow about everything when i am beginning to understand and care about someone else's feelings.
i lit some blue candles last night around the bathtub & meditated heavily on getting my emotions to be constant for more than a day. i feel like i am on a boat, moving up as fast as i am falling down. all of this is leaving me sick and crying. i want to use the money I have to travel. i want to pack a suitcase & travel, just to get out of my mind's state. i want to feel safe & warm. i want be able to sail my own boat. i dont want boy anxiety, i dont want to feel locked behind bars.
i used to have this reoccuring dreams where i am floating away from everything. i dont have those anymore. i am thinking it's a sign for me to get up & start living.