Just feeling all kinds of blue and depression.
I feel like I'm awaiting the inevitable. There's a truck heading my way and there's no avoiding it. It's going to happen and the only question is "when"? I'm feeling good about my artwork, and the response to the commissions I've delivered has been consistently positive and reassuring, but the actual revenue I've been getting has been below what I need in order to survive. I made more money through commissions last year that I ever have before, but that was still less than I need to cover my monthly expenses, and so I'm really just living off savings and slowly depleting that.
I feel like I'm going through life enjoying final moments. "This may be the last time I can see, do, or appreciate X, Y, or Z." I put on a brave face about it all because "Surely not! I'm still employable, I'm still capable! It's only a matter of time before things right themselves and I'll be back making a salary again!" or "Other people can make a living doing commissions and similar self-employed business activities, I can too!" But if I'm honest with myself right now I feel dangerously low on self esteem and confidence. It feels like when I'm in a good mood, positive spirit, and belief is strong that it's really just an illusion that's hiding the true reality: the truck is still there, still approaching, and when it finally hits its going to **HURT**.
I've been able to avoid the panic attacks for awhile now because since 2021 I've had a decent financial cushion in the savings account and I was confident I would be obtain a full-time salary career job before my savings was depleted. I attended the big slot machine industry trade show in October 2019 where I got to meet several companies and art directors who all said that I had the skill necessary to do the work when an opportunity arose, but then the pandemic happened and casinos were shut down and consequently the regular job listings dried up and all my applications started coming back saying the openings were being closed. I told myself that I would spend 2020 and 2021 in "full-college student mode" and dedicate myself to improving my industry skills so that I would stand out in the applicant crowd. I would learn the software and techniques that I **KNEW** I could accomplish and by 2022 I'd be employed again with all the bank account savings intact and ready to help me build a cushion for any future upheavals.
It's now the middle of 2023 though and I can't help but feel shame and embarrassment at how I've let myself down. It seems the only thing I've been able to improve upon is my own drawing talent as a result of the commissions and continued drawing that I do. I will admit to myself that I am good at my chosen drawing style, and I'm immensely proud of that. It's probably what still gives me hope for the future because it's a personal reassurance that I **AM** valuable and talented and I should be able to transfer that value to other arenas and that there ARE employers out there who would be glad to have me aboard. But in so many other ways I feel terrible. A therapist told me once how dangerous it is to focus on the negative at the expense of recognizing the positives, but I'm getting to the point where things have to change or else I'm going to end up penniless and forced to choose courses of action which feel so dire that when I consider what form they would take my mind seizes up and I can only see static.
Last year I did more commissions than ever before, but I failed to account for how much I actually needed to do in order to make a positive income level. I could raise my prices (and this year I have), but I can't take on additional work without stepping up the rate at which I COMPLETE the existing queue or else I'm going to get a lot of people upset with me for failing to deliver on work they'd already paid for. I can't live with myself like that. I have to be better at time management and forcing myself to work harder and more regularly so that within a MUCH shorter amount of time I complete ALL my commissions and allow room to accept additional work. I have hundreds of hours of tutorials that I've acquired that amount to a full college education on subjects like 3D character modeling, rigging, and animation, digital painting and rendering, 2D animation for the software package Spine, along with learning how to use the Unity game engine for FX work and UI development, and yet with access to all that information I've actually DONE precious little with it all. I HAVE been watching loads of it and I feel very well educated about these topics but the thing that I HATE and feel awful about is that I've not put hardly any of that education into PRACTICE. Why? WHY!?! Why am I stuck not applying this knowledge and thus depriving myself of the benefits that would come from having it on my resume? Why is it so fucking hard to get out of this rut I'm in where I perpetually waste days and weeks with so little to show for it?
I am in the process of looking at my calendar for the remainder of 2023 and I don't know how to live with myself. So much time is being accounted for going forward and my brightest hope is to take my skill and approval of doing commissions into high gear so that I can make more money this year than I did last year in the hopes that I can potentially stop the financial drain and maybe even come out positive? I am deathly afraid that when tax time comes next year however that I'm going to be assessed with an amount I owe which will wipe out my savings and I'll be unable to continue in my present situation. What will happen then? Again my brain seizes up and I fall to pieces. How can I see this through? How do I learn to be better? How do I get to the point where I regain my sense of confidence and start putting all my resources comprehensively in a way I've never done before in order to achieve the goal of being self-sufficient? I feel like anyone looking at me would say "Man, you should be doing awesome with all that you have going for you!" and I would agree with them, and because of that I feel all the more awful because of so much time, ability, and resources that I've wasted.
I don't like making posts like this and I hate to draw attention to myself in this manner. The truth is that this kind of thinking has been occupying my thoughts for almost 20 years and I keep it buttoned up tight. I don't want people's pity, but it's eating me up. I have an appointment next week for a new guidance / mental health counselor and hopefully I'll be able to get some kind of help in changing my outlook on life and direction for the future. I need it. I need to take control of my life and make something of myself. I have to.
I feel like I'm going through life enjoying final moments. "This may be the last time I can see, do, or appreciate X, Y, or Z." I put on a brave face about it all because "Surely not! I'm still employable, I'm still capable! It's only a matter of time before things right themselves and I'll be back making a salary again!" or "Other people can make a living doing commissions and similar self-employed business activities, I can too!" But if I'm honest with myself right now I feel dangerously low on self esteem and confidence. It feels like when I'm in a good mood, positive spirit, and belief is strong that it's really just an illusion that's hiding the true reality: the truck is still there, still approaching, and when it finally hits its going to **HURT**.
I've been able to avoid the panic attacks for awhile now because since 2021 I've had a decent financial cushion in the savings account and I was confident I would be obtain a full-time salary career job before my savings was depleted. I attended the big slot machine industry trade show in October 2019 where I got to meet several companies and art directors who all said that I had the skill necessary to do the work when an opportunity arose, but then the pandemic happened and casinos were shut down and consequently the regular job listings dried up and all my applications started coming back saying the openings were being closed. I told myself that I would spend 2020 and 2021 in "full-college student mode" and dedicate myself to improving my industry skills so that I would stand out in the applicant crowd. I would learn the software and techniques that I **KNEW** I could accomplish and by 2022 I'd be employed again with all the bank account savings intact and ready to help me build a cushion for any future upheavals.
It's now the middle of 2023 though and I can't help but feel shame and embarrassment at how I've let myself down. It seems the only thing I've been able to improve upon is my own drawing talent as a result of the commissions and continued drawing that I do. I will admit to myself that I am good at my chosen drawing style, and I'm immensely proud of that. It's probably what still gives me hope for the future because it's a personal reassurance that I **AM** valuable and talented and I should be able to transfer that value to other arenas and that there ARE employers out there who would be glad to have me aboard. But in so many other ways I feel terrible. A therapist told me once how dangerous it is to focus on the negative at the expense of recognizing the positives, but I'm getting to the point where things have to change or else I'm going to end up penniless and forced to choose courses of action which feel so dire that when I consider what form they would take my mind seizes up and I can only see static.
Last year I did more commissions than ever before, but I failed to account for how much I actually needed to do in order to make a positive income level. I could raise my prices (and this year I have), but I can't take on additional work without stepping up the rate at which I COMPLETE the existing queue or else I'm going to get a lot of people upset with me for failing to deliver on work they'd already paid for. I can't live with myself like that. I have to be better at time management and forcing myself to work harder and more regularly so that within a MUCH shorter amount of time I complete ALL my commissions and allow room to accept additional work. I have hundreds of hours of tutorials that I've acquired that amount to a full college education on subjects like 3D character modeling, rigging, and animation, digital painting and rendering, 2D animation for the software package Spine, along with learning how to use the Unity game engine for FX work and UI development, and yet with access to all that information I've actually DONE precious little with it all. I HAVE been watching loads of it and I feel very well educated about these topics but the thing that I HATE and feel awful about is that I've not put hardly any of that education into PRACTICE. Why? WHY!?! Why am I stuck not applying this knowledge and thus depriving myself of the benefits that would come from having it on my resume? Why is it so fucking hard to get out of this rut I'm in where I perpetually waste days and weeks with so little to show for it?
I am in the process of looking at my calendar for the remainder of 2023 and I don't know how to live with myself. So much time is being accounted for going forward and my brightest hope is to take my skill and approval of doing commissions into high gear so that I can make more money this year than I did last year in the hopes that I can potentially stop the financial drain and maybe even come out positive? I am deathly afraid that when tax time comes next year however that I'm going to be assessed with an amount I owe which will wipe out my savings and I'll be unable to continue in my present situation. What will happen then? Again my brain seizes up and I fall to pieces. How can I see this through? How do I learn to be better? How do I get to the point where I regain my sense of confidence and start putting all my resources comprehensively in a way I've never done before in order to achieve the goal of being self-sufficient? I feel like anyone looking at me would say "Man, you should be doing awesome with all that you have going for you!" and I would agree with them, and because of that I feel all the more awful because of so much time, ability, and resources that I've wasted.
I don't like making posts like this and I hate to draw attention to myself in this manner. The truth is that this kind of thinking has been occupying my thoughts for almost 20 years and I keep it buttoned up tight. I don't want people's pity, but it's eating me up. I have an appointment next week for a new guidance / mental health counselor and hopefully I'll be able to get some kind of help in changing my outlook on life and direction for the future. I need it. I need to take control of my life and make something of myself. I have to.