Life...
So I forgot I had this thing...and now that I'm on the verge of a mental snap, I found it again. lol. So ladies and gentlemen fasten ur seatbelts...ur in for a WILD ride. lol.
So we're living together. It's been about 9 months since we broke up. I'm not even close to being over it. I still miss him physically so much, it makes me sick sometimes. Literally. I can still remember what it feels like to cuddle with him and how his arms feel and his warm chest. And we're not even talking sexual here. I just miss being physically close with him. I want to know how he can look at me EVERYDAY, talk to me EVERYDAY and not miss what we had. How he just woke up one day and decided he didn't love me anymore? I can't get him to talk to me about ANY of it, so I'm left here to just feel the way that I feel. I'm so sick fo peole saying I need to move out and move on. It's not gonna happen. I can't afford to and I don't know even if I could afford to that I would. I felt such a strong connection to him and I still feel it...and it's awful. It's made me fatter, angrier and much more reclusive. I don't have any interest in dating anyone else, I've learned from experience that having sex with other people doesn't help, it only makes it worse. so I just don't know what to do anymore. How do people just wake up one day and move on from something? I keep waiting for that day to come...in the meantime, I have yet to figure out what to do with all this anger I feel. I obviously can't express it to him because we live together and I don't want to live in a combat zone. He also doesn't respond well to anythign even remotely negative. But I'm sick and tired of him parading around like he's king single. Have some respect for me and the fact that I was willing to overlook your flagrant misgivings and figure out a way for us to resolve our problems and continue our relationship instead of whoosing out the first time shit got rough. Have some respect for me and our "friendship". Have some respect for the fact that I'm hurting A LOT. REALIZE that it is NOT all about you and your feelings, there were two epople in that relationship and my feelings deserve to be acknowledged as well. Anyway...
THEN on Sunday I got a phone call from Derron. He was my x before Billy. Billy and I actually ahd problems in the beginning because I still had some lingerings for Derron but whatever. So like two years ago, when Billy and I were having sexual issues (foreshadowing much?), Derron and I had started talking and had come to an "arrangement" or sorts. Well a few weeks before we were to materialize our arrangement, he fell off the face of the planet. Didn't hear from him until Sunday. Turns out he was in jail and he has...(drumroll) HIV! Yeah, some fool that he fell head over heels for gave it to him and now wants nothin to do with him. So we're talking and all of a sudden he starts talking about how he never should have ended it with us and he didn't realize how good he had it and blah blah blah. and for ONE second, I started to remember how I felt the same way that I feel now, only about Derron and not Billy. and then I caught myself because really, who needs to pine for two men that are basically leftovers. So I tried not to entertain that conversation too much and we talked for about an hour. Then he calls me again today(thursday). He calls to say he's sorry he hasn't emailed me yet and wanted to see how I was while he took a quick break from work. Again, he starts talking about us and ...drumroll please...we start ARGUING! in the same vain that we always used to argue when we were a couple. HE doesn't listen and I want my point to get across. So again I caught myself and took about ten steps back from the conversation. lol. He told me a bunch of things that I'm not sure I beleive (I need to do some hw on HIV treatment). He kept arguing with me and I just kept trying to sress the fact that I want to be there for him as a friend and that he (we) shouldn't add our past drama to the situation. I think he has a hard time accepting the fact that sometimes people genuinely want to be there for him and don't have any dual purpose or hidden agenda. I know his family and him have NEVER had a healthy relationship and at this point they don't even speak anymore. I know the person he loves that gave him this disease doesn't want to be in a relationship with him and treats him poorly, so I feel bad. He's a good guy and I'd like to be in his corner AS A FRIEND. lol. Just had to stress that last part.
Moving on to familial issues...my sister and I haven't spoke in about two months. That weighs on me a lot because we were always close. I know she's mad at me because of the intervention my mom, dad, and i pulled (she has a serious drug problem) but she speaks to my parents now, so I don't understand why she won't even attempt to bury the hatchet with me. I've tried reaching out a few times but gotten nothing so I guess I need to just let her feel the way she feels for awhile and then I'll try reaching out again.
then in the friend arena, I can't really say that i have any. It doesn't bother me, really, I like keeping to myself but sometimes (like today) I would LOVE to have that one friend who says "Alright, I'm comin to pick you up in an hour and we're gonna paint the town red!" but whatever. I cut Gabby out of my life because our relationship was becoming WAY more trouble to maintain than it was worth. We grew into two VERY different people on two VERY different paths. Well, I grew up anyway. I certainly can't say the same for her. lol. Kiki and I are trying to patch things up after not really seeing each other for a Looooooooooooooooooong time but I know that will never be what it was...and I wouldn't want it to be. But I'm glad that we have a long enough history (15 years) to know that at the end of the day, we have a bond, we have a friendship and it's worth keeping. I think we both operate with the understanding that one is definitely there for the other evne if we don't see each other all the time like we used to.
I just didn't know that life was going to be like this. If you asked me a few years ago what life would be like at 26, I wouldn't have said this. Most days I can't tell if I'm at war with myself or if I'm just having a rough period in my life. I really don't think there's anything wrong with me, necessarily, that would warrant all of this awfulness in my life but maybe I haven't learned the lesson yet? All I know is that I'm open to learning and growing. I take responsibility for what I can and make the best of what I do have.
So we're living together. It's been about 9 months since we broke up. I'm not even close to being over it. I still miss him physically so much, it makes me sick sometimes. Literally. I can still remember what it feels like to cuddle with him and how his arms feel and his warm chest. And we're not even talking sexual here. I just miss being physically close with him. I want to know how he can look at me EVERYDAY, talk to me EVERYDAY and not miss what we had. How he just woke up one day and decided he didn't love me anymore? I can't get him to talk to me about ANY of it, so I'm left here to just feel the way that I feel. I'm so sick fo peole saying I need to move out and move on. It's not gonna happen. I can't afford to and I don't know even if I could afford to that I would. I felt such a strong connection to him and I still feel it...and it's awful. It's made me fatter, angrier and much more reclusive. I don't have any interest in dating anyone else, I've learned from experience that having sex with other people doesn't help, it only makes it worse. so I just don't know what to do anymore. How do people just wake up one day and move on from something? I keep waiting for that day to come...in the meantime, I have yet to figure out what to do with all this anger I feel. I obviously can't express it to him because we live together and I don't want to live in a combat zone. He also doesn't respond well to anythign even remotely negative. But I'm sick and tired of him parading around like he's king single. Have some respect for me and the fact that I was willing to overlook your flagrant misgivings and figure out a way for us to resolve our problems and continue our relationship instead of whoosing out the first time shit got rough. Have some respect for me and our "friendship". Have some respect for the fact that I'm hurting A LOT. REALIZE that it is NOT all about you and your feelings, there were two epople in that relationship and my feelings deserve to be acknowledged as well. Anyway...
THEN on Sunday I got a phone call from Derron. He was my x before Billy. Billy and I actually ahd problems in the beginning because I still had some lingerings for Derron but whatever. So like two years ago, when Billy and I were having sexual issues (foreshadowing much?), Derron and I had started talking and had come to an "arrangement" or sorts. Well a few weeks before we were to materialize our arrangement, he fell off the face of the planet. Didn't hear from him until Sunday. Turns out he was in jail and he has...(drumroll) HIV! Yeah, some fool that he fell head over heels for gave it to him and now wants nothin to do with him. So we're talking and all of a sudden he starts talking about how he never should have ended it with us and he didn't realize how good he had it and blah blah blah. and for ONE second, I started to remember how I felt the same way that I feel now, only about Derron and not Billy. and then I caught myself because really, who needs to pine for two men that are basically leftovers. So I tried not to entertain that conversation too much and we talked for about an hour. Then he calls me again today(thursday). He calls to say he's sorry he hasn't emailed me yet and wanted to see how I was while he took a quick break from work. Again, he starts talking about us and ...drumroll please...we start ARGUING! in the same vain that we always used to argue when we were a couple. HE doesn't listen and I want my point to get across. So again I caught myself and took about ten steps back from the conversation. lol. He told me a bunch of things that I'm not sure I beleive (I need to do some hw on HIV treatment). He kept arguing with me and I just kept trying to sress the fact that I want to be there for him as a friend and that he (we) shouldn't add our past drama to the situation. I think he has a hard time accepting the fact that sometimes people genuinely want to be there for him and don't have any dual purpose or hidden agenda. I know his family and him have NEVER had a healthy relationship and at this point they don't even speak anymore. I know the person he loves that gave him this disease doesn't want to be in a relationship with him and treats him poorly, so I feel bad. He's a good guy and I'd like to be in his corner AS A FRIEND. lol. Just had to stress that last part.
Moving on to familial issues...my sister and I haven't spoke in about two months. That weighs on me a lot because we were always close. I know she's mad at me because of the intervention my mom, dad, and i pulled (she has a serious drug problem) but she speaks to my parents now, so I don't understand why she won't even attempt to bury the hatchet with me. I've tried reaching out a few times but gotten nothing so I guess I need to just let her feel the way she feels for awhile and then I'll try reaching out again.
then in the friend arena, I can't really say that i have any. It doesn't bother me, really, I like keeping to myself but sometimes (like today) I would LOVE to have that one friend who says "Alright, I'm comin to pick you up in an hour and we're gonna paint the town red!" but whatever. I cut Gabby out of my life because our relationship was becoming WAY more trouble to maintain than it was worth. We grew into two VERY different people on two VERY different paths. Well, I grew up anyway. I certainly can't say the same for her. lol. Kiki and I are trying to patch things up after not really seeing each other for a Looooooooooooooooooong time but I know that will never be what it was...and I wouldn't want it to be. But I'm glad that we have a long enough history (15 years) to know that at the end of the day, we have a bond, we have a friendship and it's worth keeping. I think we both operate with the understanding that one is definitely there for the other evne if we don't see each other all the time like we used to.
I just didn't know that life was going to be like this. If you asked me a few years ago what life would be like at 26, I wouldn't have said this. Most days I can't tell if I'm at war with myself or if I'm just having a rough period in my life. I really don't think there's anything wrong with me, necessarily, that would warrant all of this awfulness in my life but maybe I haven't learned the lesson yet? All I know is that I'm open to learning and growing. I take responsibility for what I can and make the best of what I do have.