It's that one thing...
Ya know how your life is ok, it's goin good...u got shit in order. Shit is just RIGHT. But there's that ONE thing, no matter how small or big that just seems to make everything else seem worth...less? It's so frustrating. I was talking to Nathan yesterday and this morning and we were just talking about us and the breakup and I just kept thinking "What the hell am I suppossed to do now?". I mean it just astounds me and amazes me that we're over. I don't tolerate bullshit from men. Never have. And the amount of bullshit that I put up with in his and my relationship is just CRAZY. And I'm looking back at it like "Wow, that was all for nothing". And it pisses me off and it makes me angry and it makes me sad. And I hate how people are like "Well at least u found out now before you moved back down there" and it's like "No!". There is nothing from this experience that I'm going to take away that's ever going to make it all better. The bottom line is that our whole relationship was a crap. I was a fool for like 18 months of my life. It hurts, it sucks and I'm angry about it. and I want to be a bigger person but I can't. I hope his next relationship sucks. I hope he gets treated the way he treated me just so he can say "Wow, now I know how it feels". And only then will I feel better, which basically means I will never feel better because I will never know if that happens to him. I asked him to not answer the phone when I call anymore because I don't wanna talk to him but I know I'm not strong enough to jsut let it go. And he said he wouldn't and that he WOULD answer the phone. When I asked him why he said 'Just because I'm in not IN love with you doesn't mean I don't still have love for you". And that pissed me off and made me feel like shit because it's just a game to him. He just wants to keep me hanging on, keep me on the side as a fallback...just because he knows he can. And I HATE THAT!!!!! I get so mad at myself because I'm like "What the FUCK happened to the OLD ME?!" THE ME that used to play guys LEFT AND RIGHT! The me that was STRONG and INDEPENDANT! Couldn't nobody tell me SHIT! And now I feel so lame and weak because I'm hungover up over a DEAD relationship with a guy who couldn't care if i was flicked off the planet. It's ugly.
I think maybe I'm just over stressed, as I am 99% of the time. My classes are hard this semester, this record deal shit is driving me crazy(the business aspect of it) and my current body state leaves much to be desired. And yet I haven't the energy to do anything about it. I realy just need a shot of optomism...or I need to go into "fuck you" mode and just put blinders on and trudge boldly ahead. It just sucks...all I wanted was someone to share my life with and all he wanted was a slave. It's over and I'm just not sure how to move on without going back like I ALWAYS do.
and I'm also about 99.9% positve that y'all are sick of reading about Nathan and his crusty ass.
Ps-I feel dumb because i was going to post the lyrics to "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson but SOMEBODY::cough cough:: did that already. lol
I think maybe I'm just over stressed, as I am 99% of the time. My classes are hard this semester, this record deal shit is driving me crazy(the business aspect of it) and my current body state leaves much to be desired. And yet I haven't the energy to do anything about it. I realy just need a shot of optomism...or I need to go into "fuck you" mode and just put blinders on and trudge boldly ahead. It just sucks...all I wanted was someone to share my life with and all he wanted was a slave. It's over and I'm just not sure how to move on without going back like I ALWAYS do.
and I'm also about 99.9% positve that y'all are sick of reading about Nathan and his crusty ass.
Ps-I feel dumb because i was going to post the lyrics to "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson but SOMEBODY::cough cough:: did that already. lol