(no subject)
so yes, i am starting to plan a wedding... "WHO'S Wedding" you say.......awww yes ... mINe! (glup!@$%) yes i am a little nervous... but i am ready! i am not going to give everyone the date just yet... but anyways...
Moving on...
sometimes i wonder what is really set of me and my life. what is the whole thing about. why and i compelled to do a certian thing or be a certian way. way do i love the people i do, and why do i hate the people i hate. well not really hate, just dislike. is that word.
why is hard for me to say things, i need to say to keep my sanity. being the person i am, you would think i would have this down by now. but i dont. have the time i have no idea what the hell i am doing. i dont know if is just me, being the person i am or if this always how its going to be, and i freak out by situation. i dont mean to hold everything inside, but i have never had to share anything with anyone. and my feelings are my own. and to share them with anyone i just cant do it.
I wish i could i wish i could say what i feel, when i feel it. instead of waiting for the wrong time, and blow up like a ballon and cry and scream, and make an ass of myself. i hate it. i wish i could take all of my feeling and emotions and turn them around and find good things to think about. it sucks when all you think about of your is hateful and hurtful things. and no matter what anyone says really cant change that. WELL DAMN IT i wish it could.
I am tried of being that person who thinks so poorly of themselves. i am tried of thinking down. but how do i change that... when i have been that way for as long as i could remember. how do i change me. i am sure it cant be healthy. i am sure i cant keeping living my life like this. it sucks when 75% of your thougts are about lonelness, hatered, and dying. it sucks that they only time you are truly happy is when you have to be one on one with your loved one. when you have to "need" them all the time, when you have to feel them.
this is not how i wanted to be, i thought i would be someone who is so strong that never really need to be that person i metioned above.
Moving on...
sometimes i wonder what is really set of me and my life. what is the whole thing about. why and i compelled to do a certian thing or be a certian way. way do i love the people i do, and why do i hate the people i hate. well not really hate, just dislike. is that word.
why is hard for me to say things, i need to say to keep my sanity. being the person i am, you would think i would have this down by now. but i dont. have the time i have no idea what the hell i am doing. i dont know if is just me, being the person i am or if this always how its going to be, and i freak out by situation. i dont mean to hold everything inside, but i have never had to share anything with anyone. and my feelings are my own. and to share them with anyone i just cant do it.
I wish i could i wish i could say what i feel, when i feel it. instead of waiting for the wrong time, and blow up like a ballon and cry and scream, and make an ass of myself. i hate it. i wish i could take all of my feeling and emotions and turn them around and find good things to think about. it sucks when all you think about of your is hateful and hurtful things. and no matter what anyone says really cant change that. WELL DAMN IT i wish it could.
I am tried of being that person who thinks so poorly of themselves. i am tried of thinking down. but how do i change that... when i have been that way for as long as i could remember. how do i change me. i am sure it cant be healthy. i am sure i cant keeping living my life like this. it sucks when 75% of your thougts are about lonelness, hatered, and dying. it sucks that they only time you are truly happy is when you have to be one on one with your loved one. when you have to "need" them all the time, when you have to feel them.
this is not how i wanted to be, i thought i would be someone who is so strong that never really need to be that person i metioned above.