"Wise Sayings"...?
GENDER ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS
(Boys, read very carefully...)
Women's English:
Yes - No
No - Yes
Maybe - No
No! - NO!
I'm sorry - You'll be sorry
We need - I want
It's your decision - The correct answer should be obvious by now
Do what you want - You'll pay for this later
We need to talk - I need to complain
Sure, go ahead - I don't want you to
I'm not upset - Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight - Is sex all you ever think about?
Am I fat? - Tell me I'm beautiful
Are you LISTENING to me?! - [Too late, you're dead]
I'm not yelling - Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important
The same old thing - Nothing
Nothing - Everything
Nothing, really - It's just that you're an asshole
Men's English:
I'm hungry - I'm hungry
I'm sleepy - I'm sleepy
I'm tired - I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you some time? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! - Nice cleavage!
What's wrong? - I don't see why your making such a big deal about this
What's wrong? - What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
In this our new year of general indepence, stress will come upon us in ways we can neither control nor deny. Here are some tips on handling these new stresses, and may they work for you! (ps. please inform me if they do... :D)
- Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try and sneeze them out
- Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on
- When someone says, "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans
- Make a list of things you have already done
- Dance naked in front of your pets (don't worry - they won't judge you)
- Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the "ethnic" bodies
- Drive to work in reverse
- Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room
- Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages
"After the tone, please leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is 'supercilious'..."
xx