castle fic; release what you've been holding
release what you've been holding |castle; castle/beckett| 4901 words | pg | au after linchpin
( It should be déjà vu. But it's not. This is actually what her life has become; repeated moments of almost dying just inches from Richard Castle. )
( It should be déjà vu. But it's not. This is actually what her life has become; repeated moments of almost dying just inches from Richard Castle. )
He says it like it's supposed to be a good thing, this blind loyalty he has to her. But he's wrong. It's a problem. He is stupid. For going with her. For always going with her, no matter what. He's betting on her - to be his muse, his friend, his partner. He's betting on her one day being ready to be more and, honestly, she's not sure it isn't a bad bet. She's not sure she even knows how to bet on herself right now.
But Beckett knows that the longing between her and Castle is just one of the things tying them in knots. They've prolonged it, fought against it, and now there's so much to lose. They couldn't do what Sophia and Castle did and just end, disappear from each other's lives like it never happened. They wouldn't know how. And this longing between them is just a stalemate they don't have the courage to break.
(She's supposed to believe in the possibility that he's the exception to the rule. That he's the one that will last. Her therapist tells her that's how well adjusted people deal with the thrill and fear of new relationships. But she doesn't really understand 'well adjusted'. She has never adjusted to the darkness in her story; she just learned to let it live with her. Finally she's truly beginning to understand the problem with that.)
His best story is written in his family. She can't say the same.
This is their biggest problem. They protect each other. They protect themselves. But in the process they lose all ability to be honest about anything at all because there are always ulterior motives at play.
Then there's just silence, and the two of them sitting on opposite sides of a stopped elevator, baring truths in the middle of the night. Still, it's better than the silence they're used to; the silence of things unspoken.
(She does. She's not keeping score with him. Truth be told neither one would win if they did that.)
Your brain hurts humanity, d'you know that? Seriously. Like, what even is this. THINK ABOUT YOUR CHOICES IN LIFE, WOMAN. GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY. THERE IS SOMETHING VERY, VERY WRONG WITH YOU.
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I am very glad you liked it! Thank you Effie! (Seeeeee. I'm learning. Accepted your flailing compliments graciously with minimal blushing and hiding my head in my pillow. And you weren't here so you can't prove otherwise!)
*squiiiiish*
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