Supernatural: the fast and the furious five
Only a few hours til Supernatural returns, and I know you were planning on catching up on Season 5 but you’ve been busy taking part in awesome fannish fundraisers for Haiti, and shredding that wedding dress you’d bought and all those Mrs J Padackles place cards, and trying to sell your old tin hats on eBay and then you fell in love with a gay Victorian detective and his devoted foppish offsider and it was like Star Trek all over again - a new fandom with tons of fucking old canon and old skool fans worried about their lawn and you spent too much time singing along to Lady Gaga and then you saw Avatar and you kinda wished youw ere a big blue person with a telepathic dragon and a questionable colonialist narrative and so you planted a home tree in your back yard but its not very bog yet and it doesn’t talk to you, so you went back to polishing your Jonas Brothers Big bang.
MissyJack Condensed Supernatural. (just add holy water): Season one, Season two, Season three, Season Four.
5.01 The one where we meet Marksha
LUCIFER: *is coming*
P.DIDDY: *craps himself*
BECKY: *writes Wincest and is obsessed with Sam*
FANGIRLS: OMG Kripke. You broke the first rule of fandom!
MEG: Hi boys! Did you know I am now officially the longest surviving character on Supernatural? Surviving in an undead sort of way but still.
BOBBY: Crap
DEAN: I’m a phallic symbol? Cool!
CASTIEL: *is a badass motherfucking angel*
SAM: I’m sorry
DEAN: *flounces*
5.02 The one where the girls are back in town
CASTIEL: *has Daddy issues*
FANS: We love you Jo!
JO: Ummm last time I was around you wanted me to die in a fire!
WAR: What am I good for?
SAM: Um...Don't mind me. I’ll just be over here. Dealing with my issues. Alone. By myself.
DEAN: *whistles*
5.03 The One where Dean reveals shocking news about muppets
SAM: *is in a t-shirt*
.
.
.
.
.
Sorry? Did something else happen in this episode?
DEAN: Castiel, I will make sure you don’t die a virgin!
CASTIEL: *looks hopefully at Dean*
RAPHAEL: Crap
SAM: *is naked in bed*
Possibly other stuff happened. I was distracted.
5.04 The One where I love the smell of zombie brains in the morning
DEAN: *is back to the future*
DEAN: Oh hai Dean!
DEAN: Oh hai myself. Nice panties! Satin?
CASTIEL: Should I fire up the bucket bong before or after the orgy?
SAM: *is either Lucifer or young Elvis*
CASTIEL: I saved you Dean! *looks hopefully at Dean*
DEAN: Yeah later dude. *speed dials* Hey Sammy?
SAM: Yeah?
DEAN: Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-Roma-ma-ah! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! I want your bad bromance
5.05 The one with that chick that shagged Millsy *
DEAN: I still think we got some trust-building to do.
SAM: Look... i am trying to climb out of that hole. Hell, you'll never punish me as much as I'm punishing myself.
DEAN: So, what, am i supposed to just let you off the hook?
SAM : If we're gonna be a team, you and it has to be a two-way street. All i'm saying is that if we're gonna do this, we have to do it different. We can't just fall into the same rut.
DEAN: You're the one who wanted back in chief.
SAM: Wasn't Chief the name of the leather daddy you ran into last year? Is that what you need in this relationship Dean? More spanking?
DR PHIL: That’s great fellas! I can see you are ready to GET REAL about this relationship. I’ve got a free copy for you of my new book “Loving the right way: a relationship guide for incestuous gay couples”
DEAN: Is it okay if I keep him on the leash occasionally?
PARIS: Hey Jared Sam, I’ve got that video tape we made…
SAM: Oh crap.
* obscure Australian reference to Australian idol contestant Rob Mills who shagged Paris at during the Melbourne Cup Carnival.
5.06 The One where you don’t want to step on a crack
DEAN: *masturbates*
JESSE: *is the anti-christ but he’s no Damien*
SAM: Hey the kid’s twelve, he’s perfectly capable of making a considered informed decision that will affect the lives of everyone on the planet.
CASTIEL: *is not kiddie safe*
JESSE: Crap.
5.07 The one with where everything old is new again
BOBBY: Crap
DEAN: Crap
SAM: *gets the clap*
DEAN: So how you gonna win this Sammy?
SAM: Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh, I'll get him hot, show him what I've got. Coz he can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face.
WITCH GUY: Crap. Foiled by Godga.
5.08 The one where the Trickster steals the remote
DEAN: God imagine being trapped in television land continually. All day or night nothing but TV. Angtsy medical dramas and douche police procedurals and crappy sitcoms.
SAM: If we were lucky we would be trapped in an under-appreciated, some might say cult, quality genre series that interrogated American mythology and deconstructed masculinity to the tune of classic rock (when they could afford it). The sort of show that would win a prestigious People’s Choice Award. And be nominated for a GLAAD award for our service to musical theatre,
DEAN: As long as its not a late night talk show.
TRICKSTER: Hey guys - guess what? I’m an angel! Or in this narrative maybe I actually stand in for the power crazy TV executive.
5.09 The one that kicked over what was left of the fourth wall
KRIPKECHUCK: Why do the fangirls love the things I created and not me? Writers are so oppressed.
BECKY: *continues to be totally unrepresentative of fandom which never sexually obsesses about fictional characters *
DEMIAN AND BARNES: Oh hai! In a subversion of commonly held stereotypes about people who engage with media fandom as a hobby we will actually be physically heroic and emotionally insightful. Also? Having lots and lots of buttsex. However, still undeniably dorky with questionable personal hygiene.
DEAN: Ummm howdy?
KRIPKECHUCK: Oh i forgot I am a self insert of the creator! *rewrites script*
BECKY: *falls in love with Chuck*
5.10 The one where I might’ve got something in my eye
CASTIEL: It’s our last night on Earth! We can haz orgy?
EVERYONE: No.
LUCIFER: Come to the darkside Castiel…
CASTIEL: Not even if you had cookies.
JO: Crap
ELLEN: Crap
SAM: Oh c’mon I didn’t even have sex with them!
LUCIFER: I love evil monologuing!
EVERYONE (who is still alive): HELLO DEATH
Here's to more awesome from our Show and this fandom.
See you on the flipside!
MissyJack Condensed Supernatural. (just add holy water): Season one, Season two, Season three, Season Four.
5.01 The one where we meet Marksha
LUCIFER: *is coming*
P.DIDDY: *craps himself*
BECKY: *writes Wincest and is obsessed with Sam*
FANGIRLS: OMG Kripke. You broke the first rule of fandom!
MEG: Hi boys! Did you know I am now officially the longest surviving character on Supernatural? Surviving in an undead sort of way but still.
BOBBY: Crap
DEAN: I’m a phallic symbol? Cool!
CASTIEL: *is a badass motherfucking angel*
SAM: I’m sorry
DEAN: *flounces*
5.02 The one where the girls are back in town
CASTIEL: *has Daddy issues*
FANS: We love you Jo!
JO: Ummm last time I was around you wanted me to die in a fire!
WAR: What am I good for?
SAM: Um...Don't mind me. I’ll just be over here. Dealing with my issues. Alone. By myself.
DEAN: *whistles*
5.03 The One where Dean reveals shocking news about muppets
SAM: *is in a t-shirt*
.
.
.
.
.
Sorry? Did something else happen in this episode?
DEAN: Castiel, I will make sure you don’t die a virgin!
CASTIEL: *looks hopefully at Dean*
RAPHAEL: Crap
SAM: *is naked in bed*
Possibly other stuff happened. I was distracted.
5.04 The One where I love the smell of zombie brains in the morning
DEAN: *is back to the future*
DEAN: Oh hai Dean!
DEAN: Oh hai myself. Nice panties! Satin?
CASTIEL: Should I fire up the bucket bong before or after the orgy?
SAM: *is either Lucifer or young Elvis*
CASTIEL: I saved you Dean! *looks hopefully at Dean*
DEAN: Yeah later dude. *speed dials* Hey Sammy?
SAM: Yeah?
DEAN: Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-Roma-ma-ah! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! I want your bad bromance
5.05 The one with that chick that shagged Millsy *
DEAN: I still think we got some trust-building to do.
SAM: Look... i am trying to climb out of that hole. Hell, you'll never punish me as much as I'm punishing myself.
DEAN: So, what, am i supposed to just let you off the hook?
SAM : If we're gonna be a team, you and it has to be a two-way street. All i'm saying is that if we're gonna do this, we have to do it different. We can't just fall into the same rut.
DEAN: You're the one who wanted back in chief.
SAM: Wasn't Chief the name of the leather daddy you ran into last year? Is that what you need in this relationship Dean? More spanking?
DR PHIL: That’s great fellas! I can see you are ready to GET REAL about this relationship. I’ve got a free copy for you of my new book “Loving the right way: a relationship guide for incestuous gay couples”
DEAN: Is it okay if I keep him on the leash occasionally?
PARIS: Hey Jared Sam, I’ve got that video tape we made…
SAM: Oh crap.
* obscure Australian reference to Australian idol contestant Rob Mills who shagged Paris at during the Melbourne Cup Carnival.
5.06 The One where you don’t want to step on a crack
DEAN: *masturbates*
JESSE: *is the anti-christ but he’s no Damien*
SAM: Hey the kid’s twelve, he’s perfectly capable of making a considered informed decision that will affect the lives of everyone on the planet.
CASTIEL: *is not kiddie safe*
JESSE: Crap.
5.07 The one with where everything old is new again
BOBBY: Crap
DEAN: Crap
SAM: *gets the clap*
DEAN: So how you gonna win this Sammy?
SAM: Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh, I'll get him hot, show him what I've got. Coz he can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face.
WITCH GUY: Crap. Foiled by Godga.
5.08 The one where the Trickster steals the remote
DEAN: God imagine being trapped in television land continually. All day or night nothing but TV. Angtsy medical dramas and douche police procedurals and crappy sitcoms.
SAM: If we were lucky we would be trapped in an under-appreciated, some might say cult, quality genre series that interrogated American mythology and deconstructed masculinity to the tune of classic rock (when they could afford it). The sort of show that would win a prestigious People’s Choice Award. And be nominated for a GLAAD award for our service to musical theatre,
DEAN: As long as its not a late night talk show.
TRICKSTER: Hey guys - guess what? I’m an angel! Or in this narrative maybe I actually stand in for the power crazy TV executive.
5.09 The one that kicked over what was left of the fourth wall
KRIPKECHUCK: Why do the fangirls love the things I created and not me? Writers are so oppressed.
BECKY: *continues to be totally unrepresentative of fandom which never sexually obsesses about fictional characters *
DEMIAN AND BARNES: Oh hai! In a subversion of commonly held stereotypes about people who engage with media fandom as a hobby we will actually be physically heroic and emotionally insightful. Also? Having lots and lots of buttsex. However, still undeniably dorky with questionable personal hygiene.
DEAN: Ummm howdy?
KRIPKECHUCK: Oh i forgot I am a self insert of the creator! *rewrites script*
BECKY: *falls in love with Chuck*
5.10 The one where I might’ve got something in my eye
CASTIEL: It’s our last night on Earth! We can haz orgy?
EVERYONE: No.
LUCIFER: Come to the darkside Castiel…
CASTIEL: Not even if you had cookies.
JO: Crap
ELLEN: Crap
SAM: Oh c’mon I didn’t even have sex with them!
LUCIFER: I love evil monologuing!
EVERYONE (who is still alive): HELLO DEATH
Here's to more awesome from our Show and this fandom.
See you on the flipside!