2005 so far
I have found little use for livejournal anymore, but I feel the need to vent right now. I don't really care if anyone reads this really, only for my personal benefit to just get somethings off my chest. I am sure I will delete this and not even update about it.
Well the month of January wasn't so bad. I helped Steve pick out an apartment in IL. I was able to see Matt and Tony. But slowly as the month ended, Steve moved and everyone went back to school and their lives after the holiday hussle and bussel ended. I didn't mind really because I was able to really search for a job. Not to mention I was able to really self evaluate myself on things I wanted in life. I cleaned most of the house for my mother and fixed a few things. Mostly a productive month.
Feburary has been quite the different story. I had to face the fact that Steve really moved. Kiki really left. And Holly still has 1.5 years in Ohio left. I had to realize I wasn't going to see much of anyone I graduated with ever again. And those I cared about moved away. I am thankful I've been keeping in touch with Katie. I miss our runs. But my mom has been depressed, I'm not sure if it's been for awhile and I never knew because I hadn't lived with her since the divorce. She has such low self-esteem, I wish she could see her potential. I think meeting someone would allow her to really see what is inside of her and how much she has to offer. But, I can't force her into dating anyone. My father actually told me the truth about one of his many vacations, that he was going on a trip with Sharolyn. Oh how I shutter at the name. I guess that's a step up for him. Brad decided to ignore me until about 4 days ago. I'm not really sure what made him decide to talk to me again. The dog has been sick, they don't know what is wrong with her. Of course my mom has been worried. I suppose I understand her dissapointment. If the dog passes soon and if I ever get a damn job and move out, she'll be truly alone. But worst of all, grandpa being submitted to the hospital 2 weeks ago. Dear Lord, has it made me appreciate everything I have. He is truly the strongest man I'll ever know. The past two weeks have been hard on me and my family. I am proud of myself how strong I've been for my dad and my aunt. They've truly leaned on me for emotional support and I'm glad I could be there to help out. I'll never forget Tuesday night, a man with such courage to tell you he's not going to make it and wanting to discuss his will. Wanting to make sure his airplanes are donated to the proper places. All of that just makes me forget about the job search. Being able to appreciate and be there for my family is more important than anything. Maybe thats why I havent gotten a job, to ensure I would be here for my family. I know the last 2 weeks have been rough, but I know the next will be even harder. All I know is that I am thankful my birthday wish is coming true. I have definitely become a stronger person the past month. I wouldn't change my struggle because I wouldn't have learned this much if I had a job. It is only time and I think I'm spending mine how I need to. I'm glad we've had some good weather the past month, I've been able to run outside and keep my sanity.
As always I've lost my train of thought. All I know is, I've learned not to be petty. I've learned that anger is something we create and darkens our hearts. It clouds our minds and vision from seeing the reality in things. I can only accept people for who they are, even though how bad they may hurt you.
All in all, as shitty has the past few months have been, I wouldn't change a thing. I've learned so much about myself and others.
Well the month of January wasn't so bad. I helped Steve pick out an apartment in IL. I was able to see Matt and Tony. But slowly as the month ended, Steve moved and everyone went back to school and their lives after the holiday hussle and bussel ended. I didn't mind really because I was able to really search for a job. Not to mention I was able to really self evaluate myself on things I wanted in life. I cleaned most of the house for my mother and fixed a few things. Mostly a productive month.
Feburary has been quite the different story. I had to face the fact that Steve really moved. Kiki really left. And Holly still has 1.5 years in Ohio left. I had to realize I wasn't going to see much of anyone I graduated with ever again. And those I cared about moved away. I am thankful I've been keeping in touch with Katie. I miss our runs. But my mom has been depressed, I'm not sure if it's been for awhile and I never knew because I hadn't lived with her since the divorce. She has such low self-esteem, I wish she could see her potential. I think meeting someone would allow her to really see what is inside of her and how much she has to offer. But, I can't force her into dating anyone. My father actually told me the truth about one of his many vacations, that he was going on a trip with Sharolyn. Oh how I shutter at the name. I guess that's a step up for him. Brad decided to ignore me until about 4 days ago. I'm not really sure what made him decide to talk to me again. The dog has been sick, they don't know what is wrong with her. Of course my mom has been worried. I suppose I understand her dissapointment. If the dog passes soon and if I ever get a damn job and move out, she'll be truly alone. But worst of all, grandpa being submitted to the hospital 2 weeks ago. Dear Lord, has it made me appreciate everything I have. He is truly the strongest man I'll ever know. The past two weeks have been hard on me and my family. I am proud of myself how strong I've been for my dad and my aunt. They've truly leaned on me for emotional support and I'm glad I could be there to help out. I'll never forget Tuesday night, a man with such courage to tell you he's not going to make it and wanting to discuss his will. Wanting to make sure his airplanes are donated to the proper places. All of that just makes me forget about the job search. Being able to appreciate and be there for my family is more important than anything. Maybe thats why I havent gotten a job, to ensure I would be here for my family. I know the last 2 weeks have been rough, but I know the next will be even harder. All I know is that I am thankful my birthday wish is coming true. I have definitely become a stronger person the past month. I wouldn't change my struggle because I wouldn't have learned this much if I had a job. It is only time and I think I'm spending mine how I need to. I'm glad we've had some good weather the past month, I've been able to run outside and keep my sanity.
As always I've lost my train of thought. All I know is, I've learned not to be petty. I've learned that anger is something we create and darkens our hearts. It clouds our minds and vision from seeing the reality in things. I can only accept people for who they are, even though how bad they may hurt you.
All in all, as shitty has the past few months have been, I wouldn't change a thing. I've learned so much about myself and others.