Out of mind. Out of body....everything. Just an actor in a play. That is life.
We wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes-- This debt we pay to human guile; With torn and bleeding hearts we smile, And mouth with myriad subleties.
Where to start and where to finish...?
I'm going to Syracuse tomorrow night. I love driving at night. It'll be lonely but I'll deal. I'll get all of my college application stuff done while I'm in Syracuse (hopefully on my Aunt Kathy's typewriter), and then finish editing my college essay. And I'll study for SATs and write up my resume for college junk too.
I get so frustrated with the current situations of things, and for as much as I've bitched about them before and done what I can without really doing anything before - yeah. that made no sense. But tonight I actually did something. Yeah. Take that. But sometimes when I can't figure out why someone hates me I reread an email from them; it kind of makes things a little less...bad.
"It is not that I hate the people in the world. Because if I did, I would be hating them for their flaws, which I cannot deny that I myself have. But I hate that which has made us all this way- flawed."
Makes you think...I know it makes me think, in my lingering attempts to figure out why. It reminds me of The Cracked Vase Theory, among other things. I've learned a that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
The condescending mannerisms of those who contradict their original thoughts and actions...frustrate me because I know I will never speak up. Yet, I feel hypocritical, because maybe they're thinking the same about me...who knows...? I can't find a way back in to controlling my life. I can't seep back into reality. I feel like I've been acting my entire life... Like every action is preplanned and I'm following this derranged script of cues and lines and if I make a mistake it will screw me over ten fold. And that some greater being is controlling me and controlling what I say and do. But the feelings are mine alone.
I keep circling around the situations in my life, looking for ways to approach them. But coming back to the same conclusion with each revolution.
[Does it end?]
Where to start and where to finish...?
I'm going to Syracuse tomorrow night. I love driving at night. It'll be lonely but I'll deal. I'll get all of my college application stuff done while I'm in Syracuse (hopefully on my Aunt Kathy's typewriter), and then finish editing my college essay. And I'll study for SATs and write up my resume for college junk too.
I get so frustrated with the current situations of things, and for as much as I've bitched about them before and done what I can without really doing anything before - yeah. that made no sense. But tonight I actually did something. Yeah. Take that. But sometimes when I can't figure out why someone hates me I reread an email from them; it kind of makes things a little less...bad.
"It is not that I hate the people in the world. Because if I did, I would be hating them for their flaws, which I cannot deny that I myself have. But I hate that which has made us all this way- flawed."
Makes you think...I know it makes me think, in my lingering attempts to figure out why. It reminds me of The Cracked Vase Theory, among other things. I've learned a that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
The condescending mannerisms of those who contradict their original thoughts and actions...frustrate me because I know I will never speak up. Yet, I feel hypocritical, because maybe they're thinking the same about me...who knows...? I can't find a way back in to controlling my life. I can't seep back into reality. I feel like I've been acting my entire life... Like every action is preplanned and I'm following this derranged script of cues and lines and if I make a mistake it will screw me over ten fold. And that some greater being is controlling me and controlling what I say and do. But the feelings are mine alone.
I keep circling around the situations in my life, looking for ways to approach them. But coming back to the same conclusion with each revolution.
[Does it end?]