Article - How to Become The Pope
How to Become The Pope
By Melissa Masucci and Paul Smith
First off, you need to not be dead. The last Pope violated this rule and was summarily stripped of his title. Make sure that you're firmly alive before setting out to become Pope.
Next, accept your fate of a lifetime of blue balls. With the whole “no sex” policy, you have to be comfortable with the idea of never having sex or masturbating in your lifetime. The best way to do this is to cut off your balls. Just not having balls at all would make the long-term pain that much easier to bear.
You’d better like to drink. I mean, with a lifetime supply of free wine at your disposal, your chances of becoming Pope are better if you’re an alcoholic than if you don’t drink. Then again, it could also be your downfall…
Impress God. I suggest tap dancing. Nothing’s funnier than an old Cardinal guy tap dancing in his robes. Plus it takes a lot of talent. “Tap dancing is one of the few human art forms that impresses even God,” one Cardinal secretly disclosed to The Bull. “The last three Popes have been tap dancing machines.”
Kill the present Pope. Although this doesn’t work right now because the recent Pope just died, by the time any of you become old enough to be Pope the new one will probably be on his death bed anyway. So why not help him along? Poisoning that unlimited supply of wine is a good idea and saving some of that poisoned wine might help you later on. Or sabotage his tap-dancing shoes. Then he’ll lose his favor with God, and you’re an “in” for sure!
Have the stomach and public face to be able to weather all the messy alter boy scandals. Or even better, don’t get caught. God frowns on Popes that get caught doing such things. As a matter of fact, God has been known to send Popes to their rooms without supper (and no chance of dessert) if they’re caught in such acts, to make them think about what they’ve done.
Start calling your car the Popemobile. No matter how crappy the car is, anything called the Popemobile will demand respect from the masses. Put a Lay-Z-Boy in the backseat, and sit there while your driver - a barely-legal alter boy, of course - drives you around town. The best Lay-Z-Boys can be found at Goodwill, are generally stuck in the “recline” position and are 70’s yellowish-green to match the interior of your car.
Rise through the ranks of Bishops and Archbishops in the Catholic church, defeating your opponents along the way in mortal combat. Once a Cardinal, bribe your contemporaries to vote you in (with cupcakes!) and poison their wine if they don’t like your cupcake-cooking skills.
Give yourself a cool name. And don’t forget the Roman numeral at the end - it makes you look more important than just a name alone. Something like “Pope James Earl Jones V” or “Pope Mike Oxlong III”.
If all else fails, or if you’re not Catholic, start your own religion to be the Pope of. However, due to the fact that the Catholics have copyrighted the term “Pope”, you’d have to call yourself “ThePope”. That way if your friends came to visit you, they can be like “Hey, ThePope, wanna go bowling?” Or you can follow in the footsteps of The Big Lebowski and let everyone know when “ThePope abides.”