RPS ~ "Thanks for the Memories"

[missy7280]

Title: Thanks for the Memories
Author: Kai (missy7280)
Pairing: Mark Reynolds/Greg Smith
Rating: Mature
Word Count: 1,500
Summary: The night before Mark's major league debut, he spent the night playing video games and generally freaking out with his friend Greg. This is a story about what happened that night.
Disclaimer: Although Mark really did

Comments

2/2

[xcacophony]

Did I mention that I LOVE your Greg? Because when he tells Mark, in a whisper, that he's going to be great out there, and doesn't make any profound sort of romance/sex statements, it feels so right. And I love that he has this real sense of not only what's going on, but that he truely DOES want Mark to succeed out there.. damn, those guys were such great friends. =/

Something about Mark sort of laying there when they're done is so awesome in my mind, idk. And I love the ending, except the last line. Idk, it bugs me. I think that it fits Greg's personality, just sort of comes so abruptly? idk.

Above all I just like this as part of your writing and development, because it's pretty long for some of the Mark stuff you had done, and you carried on these subtle character connections while you moved everything forward. The establishment of mood and scene was perfect in the little you addressed it, and I think that was an improvement too. The real strength in this is the chemistry you made between those guys because you were challenged to go beyond them just being teammates and clubhouse buddies into something a little stronger, and it worked out.

And while all that carried the story well, I think in your writing in general, the one thing you should look at enhancing some is your description.. just adding a bit so that it doesn't become so reliant on dialogue. That way if you have a weak line or two, or section, one can still be right there in the moment. Like I said, this one doesn't have that problem, but I did notice that mot of your writing lacks a bit in that and beefing it up a little in SOME parts of a fic would be something to look at -- not all, though; the main quality of your writing is that it's a little moment in time and drowning it in "he said as he picked at a thread on his shirt, before looking up at the tv and sighing, the blue of it blahblahblah" would kill that asthetic. Idk, just my .2.

I long for this Mark. :(