Fanfiction - Lost: "Ten 'I Love You's' - Chapter 02: The Secrets that You Keep" by missy42
Title: Seven Ten 'I Love You's'
Chapter: 02 "The Secrets that You Keep"
Author: missy42
Rating: R/M
Fandom: Television - Lost
'Ship ZOMGMADHOTJUNGLESEX!!! **ahem** Ana Lucia and James "Sawyer" Ford
Challenge: None
Warning: Language; references to sexual activity; nudity
Disclaimer: My disclaimer is nursing a raging New Years Eve hang-over. Shh! Don't wake it up!
Words: 4,870
Friendly Neighborhood Beta-Reader: firstanointed a.k.a. Osiris-Ra
Summary: Three little words. So many possibilities. Chapter 02: "When you open up your heart and the truth comes out."
Author's Note: I love this 'ship. I hate that it never really got the chance it deserved. Here are a few different scenarios of how Ana Lucia and Sawyer just might have told one another that they love each other. I've tried to make it so that they kind of flow together, but they're not necessarily part of one larger story. In fact, if I've done this right, then the situations in each chapter can stand by itself. So, take each chapter as a variation of the same thing, or vignettes in one big piece of fluff. Chapter 02: Holy cow, has it been over a year? Okay, so here's the thing. I had every chapter of this fic written. Key word is had. Because shortly after posting the first chapter, the plot bunnies started attacking. I really really wanted to get them down before posting the next chapter. Because with me, if I post a chapter of a story before I finish the whole thing, it'll never get finished. So part of the delay was because I was working on the new chapters. Hence this fic has now changed from "Seven 'I Love You's'" to "Ten 'I Love You's.'" As for this particular chapter, I had planned on posting this much earlier. But after getting the beta'ed version back from the lovely firstanointed/Osiris-Ra, I realized there were a few parts that I really needed to re-work and expand on. It's really much better now because of that, so a million thanks to firstanointed/Osiris-Ra. I hope you all enjoy this next installment, and a Happy New Year to all of you!
Chapter 01: Falling is Like This
you tell me that you want me
you tell me that you need me
you tell me that you love me
and I know that I'm right
'cause I hear it in the night
~ "Talking in Your Sleep" by the Romanitcs
Sawyer woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. It was that same old nightmare, the one he'd had over and over again since he was a child. He was used to the dream. But it was the first time in a long time that it had woken him up like this.
Sawyer had often thought that whoever had first claimed "time heals all wounds" was full of shit. When he woke up like this, it was as if no time had passed since that traumatic night that he had last seen his parents alive. Flooding back, fresh and sharp as a new blade of grass, were the same emotions he had felt that night: anger, confusion, helplessness, guilt, resentment. But above all other emotions was absolute terror. They all came crashing down on him, feeling exactly as new and urgent as the day it had happened. He felt himself beginning to go into shock. He tried to breathe, but his body heaved with every attempt. His body began to tremble and his throat tightened. Don't cry, was the first thing he told himself as coherent thought returned to him. Whatever you do, don't cry.
He was sitting upright with no memory of having gotten up from his prone sleeping position. At first, he thought he was alone, and when he felt something brush his arm, he flinched not knowing what it was. A moment later, he realized the touch was that of gentle hands, then arms that wrapped comfortingly around him, accompanied by a soft voice.
"Shhh, sweetie, it's alright," Ana Lucia cooed in his ear. "Era un sueño, solamente," she said when she remembered he liked to hear her speak in Spanish. "No te va a dañar. It's okay, let it out," Ana Lucia encouraged him. "It's okay, cariño."
As his eyes continued to water, he tried a few more deep breaths. Ana Lucia drew herself closer to him so that he could feel her warm body sitting directly behind his. He could feel her breasts pressed against his back, her cheek resting on his shoulder, one arm wrapped firmly across his bare stomach, the other ran a hand slowly up and down his arm comfortingly. He glanced in her direction, though all he could see at the moment was the dark hair on the top of her head. Her whole behavior was surprisingly soothing and he was able to calm down enough to begin to be embarrassed. He hadn't had an episode this bad in a while. She, however, didn't seem to look down on him for his display of weakness. He liked that about her.
"Sorry if I woke ya," he said.
"You didn't," she assured him.
He had learned a while ago that she often had trouble sleeping, but it also hadn't taken him long to learn that it was useless to ask her what kept her up. Still, it made him worry about her, even though he tried not to.
"Ain't ya gonna ask me about my nightmare?"
"No."
"You ain't the least bit curious?"
"I didn't say that. I just said I wasn't going to ask."
"So ya are curious?"
"Look, if you want to tell me, then I'm here to listen. If not, then I figure it's none of my business."
Had he been dealing with any other woman, he would have been certain that this last statement was a passive-aggressive test - a way to find out just how much he cared about her, how much trust he was willing to put in her. For the women who did pry, he had a ready-made lie. But with Ana Lucia, he got a sense that she was being sincere. Though it was a relief, it also struck him as odd. He himself was always so curious about what went on in other peoples' heads and it was difficult for him to accept that someone else wasn't interested enough to even ask. He was pretty sure he liked the change of pace, but it would take some getting used to.
Sawyer also had a sneaking suspicion that Ana Lucia knew how he had felt when he woke up from his nightmares, even if she didn't know the cause. There was an unspoken understanding between the two of them, one he had never experienced with anyone else and would never have believed how much he appreciated it. They weren't like the other survivors. Everyone else had their issues, of course. Drugs; children; incredibly bad luck; indiscretions of varying degrees of depravity; my-daddy-didn't-hug-me-enough. The most nauseating of all was Jack's upper-middle-classed guilt and angst over having been upper-middle class. But unlike the rest of the survivors, Sawyer was fairly certain that he and Ana Lucia had experienced real trauma in their lives and it wasn't something either of them had been given any control over. It was the sort of trauma that gave him nightmares while keeping Ana Lucia from falling asleep at all. Sawyer had tried to coax the information out of her, but she was too stubborn to budge from insisting that her "damage" wasn't any of his business. Neither did she ask him about the cause of his anger, his nightmares or his pessimistic outlook on life.
But despite her ignorance of the details, she seemed to know what he was going through. Most importantly of all, Ana Lucia knew exactly what he needed without ever having to ask. At times like these, for example, she understood his need to be comforted. She knew how important it was for him to feel like he had a safe outlet, something he hadn't felt in a very long time, and she managed to provide it for him. He reasoned that it must have been because she had gone through something similar. He sometimes caught himself wondering if Ana Lucia had been shown the same gentleness in her time of need and even wishing that he could have been there for her when she had faced the darker sides of life that he knew so well.
Of course, he would never admit to any of this out loud.
"You okay?" she said, reaching up to stroke his hair.
"Yeah, it's just... It ain't been that bad for a long time. Little shaken-up."
She frowned sympathetically. This was yet another side of Ana Lucia that Sawyer was trying to assimilate into the image he had of her. She wouldn't pry into his past or insist he reveal his inner secrets, but she had begun checking up on his general well-being when she thought no one else was watching. It was an aspect of her that he had been surprised to see, and he was still trying to reconcile it with the Ana Lucia that had acted so hostile towards him when they had first met. Now he could practically see the wheels turning as she tried to work out a way to make him feel better.
"I think I know something that might cheer you up," she said, pulling away from him slightly so that he could turn and see her face. She was looking almost childishly proud of herself for whatever it was she had concocted.
"What?" Sawyer asked, hoping he sounded more curious than apprehensive.
She just grinned mischievously and placed her hands on each of his shoulders, pushing him to lay back down. She began shifting so that her head was making its way down his torso. For a moment, he wondered if she was going to go down on him. Instead, she stopped near his stomach, and planted a loud, long, wet raspberry on his belly. He giggled at the sensation, which only encouraged her to do more. He was beginning to wonder if she could carry on like that all night when he was rescued by someone outside yelling at them to keep it down.
"Sorry," Ana Lucia shouted back, and the irony was not lost on Sawyer. "Guess I got a little carried away," she said softly, still grinning for her moment of fun. She shimmied back up, so that he could see her face directly, now, her body half-laying on top of his.
"Why do women think that's so damned cute? Do they think their man will like it?"
"Well you were laughing just now, so there can't possibly be anything amusing about it." He just rolled his eyes at her sarcasm - the side of her that was the easiest for him to comprehend. "And people do it on kids, too, you know," Ana Lucia continued, "not just the person they're sleeping with."
"People do that on their kids? An' it's legal?"
"What? It's not like it's sexual. Well, okay, it might be a little bit for us right now because we're both naked, but people give raspberries to kids all the time."
"Is that where it's supposed ta start?"
"Oh, c'mon. Don't tell me your mother never gave you a raspberry?"
Sawyer hesitated.
"She died when I was a kid," he revealed, trying to sound matter-of-fact, but not looking her in the eye. "I don't remember much from..." he began before trailing off when he realized he was saying too much.
"That's what your nightmares are about," she said, realization quietly creeping into her voice.
"Well, look who's curious after all," Sawyer said, his gaze returning to hers. He knew he had volunteered the information, but her new discovery had left him feeling vulnerable, so he'd tried to regain his cool detachment by turning the conversation back on her. It was a feeble and unfair deflection, and they both knew it.
Ana Lucia looked directly at him, her gaze beginning to harden in mild offense at his posturing. "Not curious, just... Figuring things out," she explained. "There's a difference. Look, I didn't mean to..."
"'S okay," he said, looking away again, now feeling bad for putting her on the spot. She sighed, knowing that they were both now feeling bad for injuring the other. Her brow furrowed, trying to think of another, quieter way to cheer him up.
"C'mere," she said, shifting again so that she was lying flat on her back, and coaxing him into her arms. He gave in to her direction easily, and once they were comfortable, he sighed deeply, enjoying the feel of her soft breasts under his head. Then, he felt her fingers running through his scalp, massaging out the tension still lingering from his dream. He groaned in satisfaction, and she continued.
"Oh....that feels so good." He let her continue in silence for several minutes, and as she massaged away his nightmares, his mind wandered. The difference in Ana Lucia really was amazing. There was a time when he would have expected her to smack him around and tell him to suck it up if she had caught him crying. Truth be told, he still wouldn't have been surprised if she had done exactly that when his dream had woken him that night. Instead, she had been comforting, and he wasn't surprised by this, either.
"You're somethin' else, ya know that?" Sawyer commented with his eyes closed. He was finally feeling relaxed enough to voice thoughts he had been having for a while now and his voice was correspondingly deep and tranquil.
"Yeah? How so?"
"Ya got everyone an' their cousin thinkin' you're such a badass. But the truth is you're just a big softy," he said affectionately.
Ana Lucia scoffed. "Oh you think so, do you?" she argued. Her tone was angry, but the emotion did not carry to her fingers, which continued their gentle massage of his scalp.
"I know so. Just a steel outer shell, then a lot of soft 'n' squishy," Sawyer explained, his voice still calm and relaxed.
"You've got it all wrong," she corrected him. "I have a hard outer shell, a layer of squishy, then solid concrete. With a rubber ducky at the very center," she added after a brief pause.
"A rubber ducky?" he chuckled.
"Um-hum. But not your usual rubber ducky, one of those novelty ones with the devil horns. Or maybe a ninja ducky, I don't know. But definitely a ducky."
He laughed. It was almost like being in the arms of a stranger, Sawyer mused. The person now massaging his scalp was childish, playful and creative. And yet, it was still Ana Lucia. He had even opened his eyes briefly, just to make sure. He was certain that if he tried to tell anyone else about this Ana Lucia, no one would believe him in a million years, and she would kick his ass for it. Not that he was about to tell anyone. He figured that if this rare Ana Lucia was making an appearance, it was because she was letting him in, which flattered his ego greatly. As a result, he was quite happy in the notion that only he knew about this Ana Lucia and was completely willing to keep her secret.
"Yeah? Tell me, Luce. How many licks does it take to get to the rubber ducky center?" Sawyer asked, his voice deep and dripping with innuendo. Sawyer realized he probably shouldn't have been acting like such a smart ass while Ana Lucia's fingers were putting pressure on his scalp but he liked to keep the conversation stimulating. For a second, he was certain she was going to smack him for being so suggestive; or perhaps huff indignantly and tell him he how disgusting he was. He was even on the verge of a self-satisfied snicker, believing he had finally succeeded in shocking Ana Lucia's senses. She had walked right into it, after all.
But he should have known better. Ana Lucia didn't even pause in her massage. Instead, she bit right back:
"Funny. I figured after all that slurping and sucking you were doing down there earlier that you'd be able to tell me."
And now she was back, complete with her razor-sharp sarcasm. He loved this; the person that could keep up with him; the woman that could take whatever he dished out - and give back in kind. Sawyer mused that this was the Ana Lucia that he had known the longest and the best.
"Wasn't countin'," he chuckled.
"Well, now you know for next time," Ana Lucia replied conversationally.
"Guess a rubber ducky's better'n 'sugar 'n' spice an' everythin' nice,'" he concluded.
"You're the same, you know. Always trying to act like such a jackass -"
"Hey!" Sawyer growled, injured at being referred to by his favorite nickname for Jack Shepard.
"But you're just a big sweetheart," she said, as if she hadn't been interrupted.
"That so ain't true!"
"Alright. What would you say you are, then?"
"Me? I'm all Ford Mustang, baby."
"Shee-yeah, right," she scoffed. If she hadn't still been massaging his scalp, he would have argued with her for that one but at this point, he was too relaxed. Instead, he just moaned in contentment as she kept up her ministrations.
"You think you can get back to sleep?" she asked him quietly after a few minutes that had been punctured only by his satisfied groans.
"If I say yes, you gonna to stop workin' them fingers o' yours?"
"No."
"An' what about you?"
"I don't know. I am pretty tired, so maybe."
"I hope so," he said sleepily.
Her massage gradually gave way to gentle strokes of his blond locks as he drifted off to sleep. She was on the edge of sleep herself, when she heard Sawyer moan, drawing her mind from the edge of a dream.
"....lucy..." Sawyer muttered in his sleep.
"I'm right here, baby," she said sleepily.
"...love you..."
And suddenly, Ana Lucia was wide awake.
Ana Lucia hadn't gotten a minute of sleep. Instead, she had spent the whole remainder of the night wide awake, wondering how long she would have to wait until she could leave without being rude. She left Sawyer's tent when the sky started to get light. After all, it was not unusual for her to leave before he woke up, she reasoned with herself. But this morning, she had a completely new reason for wanting to slip out without being noticed.
Ana Lucia was freaking out. Sure, she had gotten him to say that he was falling for her just a few weeks ago. But she had just been messing with him, then. She didn't actually expect him to declare that sort of thing on his own.
Okay, Ana Lucia. Don't panic. Just calm down, she told herself. He was sleeping, right? Maybe this isn't what you think. The truth was, she had no idea what the context of those little words had been. He had been dreaming, hadn't he? Maybe it was just stupid ramblings. Maybe in his dream, he was introducing her to someone - a family member, maybe - and was telling that other person that he loved them. Maybe he was talking about her sarcastically. Maybe his mind had changed from one dream to another. Best to pretend she had never even heard it in the first place.
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? she thought after nearly an hour of trying to get it out of her head. I can't un-hear it.
So then, what if he did love her? Would that really be that bad? Of course it would, she told herself. Because I don't love him. Not like that, anyway. She liked the way things were, and if this got out in the open... Well, she knew she couldn't lie to him, not about that. But she also knew the truth would hurt him, and she didn't want that, either. And then everything would change. She just had to hope that he wouldn't say it while he was fully conscious. And she doubted he would, at least not any time soon. He was a very proud man and she thought it very unlikely that he would make himself that vulnerable unless he was absolutely certain she could return his sentiment.
But then, what if she was falling for him - really falling for him? She had never been in love before - not really. Maybe this was how it felt?
So what were the signs? She knew that if she ever caught him with someone else, she'd probably have to kill someone. But was that was more jealousy and pride, wasn't it? Could she imagine life without him? It would certainly be much duller than now. She couldn't deny that she would miss him if something terrible were to happen, but she was pretty sure that she'd be able to move on. Life before him hadn't exactly been happy, but it wasn't because he hadn't been in it, and she wasn't sure that she would automatically revert back to that if she were to lose him. But now that she considered it, she realized that he had re-ignited something in her - something she thought she had lost - all because he had showed the tiniest bit of concern for her. It had been frustrating at first, and she had done her best to keep from believing it was still possible for her to feel something besides dead.
And if she was in love with him - If I end up falling for him, I mean, she corrected herself. Could we ever work together? She had never really thought of the two of them as a couple in a relationship and was certain that if they had met first in the real world that there was no possibility of anything becoming of it. But then, that's what she had thought when she had first met him here. In fact, she had hated him when she had first met him. He was cocky, selfish, arrogant and tricky. After he had made his play for the guns, she had watched him shrewdly, trying to catch him in something devious. But then she had found him on top of her in the jungle, and everything had changed. Oh, she had kept watching him, trying to catch him in something underhanded - and most importantly, something she could prove to the other "leaders" on the beach. But she was very surprised to find the exact opposite of what she had been hoping for.
He was in fact, a nice guy. Well, when he wants to be. She had never seen anyone who put so much energy in making everyone think he was a bastard. But when he thought no one was watching, he could be downright caring. It was as if he thought being nice was the most underhanded thing he could do, and tried to keep everyone from seeing that. To most of the survivors, he hid it well enough - or at least they never bothered to look deeper than the asshole-exterior. She was pretty sure one or two others had seen past the façade - namely, Hurley and Jin. Sometimes, Ana Lucia thought that even Kate might have seen it at some point, too, but had given up on trying to get Sawyer to admit to it.
For Ana Lucia, Sawyer's true self had become plainly evident, and she had been quite content with him for a while, now. Oh, sure, they had their little spats, but at the end of the day, he had actually made life bearable. In fact, she found herself even having fun when they were arguing. Each of them could handle whatever the other dished out, and it lessened some of the tension caused by having to live in such close quarters with so many people she still considered strangers. Not to mention it also built up tension between the two of them that was later released in more physical activities.
But whenever Sawyer did act like an ass to anyone else for no other reason than to preserve his reputation, she would call him on it. Because she knew it wasn't who he really was. After all, it was the gentler side of him that had caused her to go back him - the side that had been damaged, that could be vulnerable, that needed to be healed. She understood exactly why he worked so hard to cover it up, but at the same time she also knew the importance of giving the human side a chance to show itself every now and then. And last night was a perfect example. He had let his guard down and exposed his tender underbelly to her, even though he had tried to backtrack later. And all the while, she knew he was concerned when she told him she hadn't been sleeping, though he tried to hide that, too. His concern was hardly one-sided, either. She wanted to be there for him, wanted him to know his scared, vulnerable side was safe with her. No, she couldn't deny that they had been growing closer, had started really caring for one another. But Love?
She continued the same thought cycle throughout most of the day, her mind torn between a certainty that his mutterings couldn't possibly have been referring to her, to fearing his reaction if she told him that she didn't love him, to wondering if maybe she was finally falling in love, and pondering whether or not it would work. She kept to the jungle, treading old paths through the vibrant flora and ironing out newer ones, preferring the solitude they offered to sort through her thoughts. She ate freshly picked fruit whenever she got hungry - though in truth, she was always hungry these days - and by the time the sun was nearing the western horizon and the relentless heat of the day was ebbing, she acknowledged that she had to go back. She had come around to the realization that when it really came down to it, she had no control over this. As much as she hated that fact, she had come to accept it, and would deal with it as best as she could. Her only comfort was that Sawyer was unlikely to repeat those words anytime soon while he was awake. And if he ever did, she had at least worked out this much.
When she returned to the beach, a few people gave her their greetings. As it wasn't entirely unusual for her to disappear for the day, only Jack commented that he hadn't seen her around. She had just finished savoring a scrap of meat she had managed to get her hands on when Sawyer finally approached her.
"Ya know," he said, trying to sound nonchalant. "I can't help but get the feelin' you've been avoidin' me."
"Why would I be avoiding you?" she said, attempting to control her voice and body language so that she would come across as casual.
"Dunno. That's why I'm askin'."
"Well... I'm not."
"Not anymore. But were ya?"
"No," she said.
Not quite convinced, Sawyer gave her a "please don't bullshit me" cock of the head.
"I mean, I haven't been avoiding you," Ana Lucia clarified. "I've been avoiding everyone today, and you just happen to be included in that." She reasoned to her self that it was the truth. Sort of. But his expression didn't change. "Look, I just... I had something I needed to work out."
"Ya through workin' it out, then?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Cuz I was hopin' for some comp'ny tanight." Sawyer said, in his heaviest Southern drawl.
Ana Lucia groaned. "I know you think you're being sexy when you lay on the accent, but you just come off sounding like an ignorant hick," she informed him.
Sawyer gasped dramatically and staggered backward, as though physically injured by her sheer words. They both knew it was a phony reaction, but he kept up the indignant pretense when he said: "Well, I was gonna ask if you'd do me the honor, but -"
"Oh really? And exactly why would you pick a gal like me for such an honor?" Ana Lucia inquired. She gave him that half-smile - the one she reserved just for his benefit - that told him she just couldn't hold in her amusement any longer, though she was trying her damnedest. Of course, they both knew she would go, but they also enjoyed the flirtation.
"Was hopin' you might gimme another shot at findin' that rubber ducky center," he smirked. "And maybe you'd like ta find the stick shift on that mustang o' mine," he added suggestively.
Ana Lucia stared at him and retorted back in a flawless deadpan: "Wow. You really know how to make a girl feel special, doncha Sawyer?"
"'Sides," Sawyer continued, ignoring her reaction completely. He gave her a genuine smile before leaning in so close she could smell him. He had given himself a proper bathing today. She closed her eyes, breathing him in.
"You make the night a little less scary," he murmured so that only she could hear him.
She opened her eyes to look at him, and saw that he wasn't just flirting. She had no idea how to respond to that. Her head told her this was a perfect moment to kiss him, but she couldn't seem to stop staring at him. She thought her heart might actually be melting. Aw, hell, was the only truly coherent thought that crossed her mind.
For his part, Sawyer didn't even smirk when it was apparent he had rendered her speechless. Finally. Instead, he leaned in to kiss her. At least one of them had the presence of mind to take advantage of the moment. Ana Lucia didn't know what was going on with her. She was never this passive, never this submissive. He was initiating everything, leading her to his tent, taking off her clothes, laying her down in his pile of bedding. It wasn't like her, and it made her feel weak. Normally, this would have terrified her. But she also felt safe, and when they were done making love, she was able to drift off to sleep.
Contentedly, Sawyer reached out with one hand and gently began stroking her scalp, twining her soft, dark curls around his fingers in an echo of the massage she had given him the previous night. Sawyer was glad that Ana Lucia had managed to get to sleep so quickly, even as he realized it was odd. It also gave him the chance to watch her sleep, a rare opportunity that he was surprisingly happy to have. As he watched her breathe, he began to realize just how strange Ana Lucia was acting. He decided not to try and dissect this Ana Lucia just yet, as he didn't entirely dislike discovering yet another side of her. Besides, he had realized a long time ago that if you tried to figure out women, you'd end up as crazy as they are. He was too tired to really think about it anyway. His gaze remained fixed on her sleeping countenance until he could no longer keep his eyes open. As his eyelids began to droop closed, he kept his focus on her deep, even breaths and he began to drift off.
"....sssawyer..." Ana Lucia muttered in her sleep.
"I'm right here, baby," he said sleepily.
"...love you..."
And suddenly, Sawyer was wide awake.
cross-posted to ana_lucia_fans, for_ana_lucia, lost_sana_fans, madhotjunglesex, missy42 & fanfiction.net.
Chapter: 02 "The Secrets that You Keep"
Author: missy42
Rating: R/M
Fandom: Television - Lost
'Ship ZOMGMADHOTJUNGLESEX!!! **ahem** Ana Lucia and James "Sawyer" Ford
Challenge: None
Warning: Language; references to sexual activity; nudity
Disclaimer: My disclaimer is nursing a raging New Years Eve hang-over. Shh! Don't wake it up!
Words: 4,870
Friendly Neighborhood Beta-Reader: firstanointed a.k.a. Osiris-Ra
Summary: Three little words. So many possibilities. Chapter 02: "When you open up your heart and the truth comes out."
Author's Note: I love this 'ship. I hate that it never really got the chance it deserved. Here are a few different scenarios of how Ana Lucia and Sawyer just might have told one another that they love each other. I've tried to make it so that they kind of flow together, but they're not necessarily part of one larger story. In fact, if I've done this right, then the situations in each chapter can stand by itself. So, take each chapter as a variation of the same thing, or vignettes in one big piece of fluff. Chapter 02: Holy cow, has it been over a year? Okay, so here's the thing. I had every chapter of this fic written. Key word is had. Because shortly after posting the first chapter, the plot bunnies started attacking. I really really wanted to get them down before posting the next chapter. Because with me, if I post a chapter of a story before I finish the whole thing, it'll never get finished. So part of the delay was because I was working on the new chapters. Hence this fic has now changed from "Seven 'I Love You's'" to "Ten 'I Love You's.'" As for this particular chapter, I had planned on posting this much earlier. But after getting the beta'ed version back from the lovely firstanointed/Osiris-Ra, I realized there were a few parts that I really needed to re-work and expand on. It's really much better now because of that, so a million thanks to firstanointed/Osiris-Ra. I hope you all enjoy this next installment, and a Happy New Year to all of you!
Chapter 01: Falling is Like This
you tell me that you want me
you tell me that you need me
you tell me that you love me
and I know that I'm right
'cause I hear it in the night
~ "Talking in Your Sleep" by the Romanitcs
Sawyer woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. It was that same old nightmare, the one he'd had over and over again since he was a child. He was used to the dream. But it was the first time in a long time that it had woken him up like this.
Sawyer had often thought that whoever had first claimed "time heals all wounds" was full of shit. When he woke up like this, it was as if no time had passed since that traumatic night that he had last seen his parents alive. Flooding back, fresh and sharp as a new blade of grass, were the same emotions he had felt that night: anger, confusion, helplessness, guilt, resentment. But above all other emotions was absolute terror. They all came crashing down on him, feeling exactly as new and urgent as the day it had happened. He felt himself beginning to go into shock. He tried to breathe, but his body heaved with every attempt. His body began to tremble and his throat tightened. Don't cry, was the first thing he told himself as coherent thought returned to him. Whatever you do, don't cry.
He was sitting upright with no memory of having gotten up from his prone sleeping position. At first, he thought he was alone, and when he felt something brush his arm, he flinched not knowing what it was. A moment later, he realized the touch was that of gentle hands, then arms that wrapped comfortingly around him, accompanied by a soft voice.
"Shhh, sweetie, it's alright," Ana Lucia cooed in his ear. "Era un sueño, solamente," she said when she remembered he liked to hear her speak in Spanish. "No te va a dañar. It's okay, let it out," Ana Lucia encouraged him. "It's okay, cariño."
As his eyes continued to water, he tried a few more deep breaths. Ana Lucia drew herself closer to him so that he could feel her warm body sitting directly behind his. He could feel her breasts pressed against his back, her cheek resting on his shoulder, one arm wrapped firmly across his bare stomach, the other ran a hand slowly up and down his arm comfortingly. He glanced in her direction, though all he could see at the moment was the dark hair on the top of her head. Her whole behavior was surprisingly soothing and he was able to calm down enough to begin to be embarrassed. He hadn't had an episode this bad in a while. She, however, didn't seem to look down on him for his display of weakness. He liked that about her.
"Sorry if I woke ya," he said.
"You didn't," she assured him.
He had learned a while ago that she often had trouble sleeping, but it also hadn't taken him long to learn that it was useless to ask her what kept her up. Still, it made him worry about her, even though he tried not to.
"Ain't ya gonna ask me about my nightmare?"
"No."
"You ain't the least bit curious?"
"I didn't say that. I just said I wasn't going to ask."
"So ya are curious?"
"Look, if you want to tell me, then I'm here to listen. If not, then I figure it's none of my business."
Had he been dealing with any other woman, he would have been certain that this last statement was a passive-aggressive test - a way to find out just how much he cared about her, how much trust he was willing to put in her. For the women who did pry, he had a ready-made lie. But with Ana Lucia, he got a sense that she was being sincere. Though it was a relief, it also struck him as odd. He himself was always so curious about what went on in other peoples' heads and it was difficult for him to accept that someone else wasn't interested enough to even ask. He was pretty sure he liked the change of pace, but it would take some getting used to.
Sawyer also had a sneaking suspicion that Ana Lucia knew how he had felt when he woke up from his nightmares, even if she didn't know the cause. There was an unspoken understanding between the two of them, one he had never experienced with anyone else and would never have believed how much he appreciated it. They weren't like the other survivors. Everyone else had their issues, of course. Drugs; children; incredibly bad luck; indiscretions of varying degrees of depravity; my-daddy-didn't-hug-me-enough. The most nauseating of all was Jack's upper-middle-classed guilt and angst over having been upper-middle class. But unlike the rest of the survivors, Sawyer was fairly certain that he and Ana Lucia had experienced real trauma in their lives and it wasn't something either of them had been given any control over. It was the sort of trauma that gave him nightmares while keeping Ana Lucia from falling asleep at all. Sawyer had tried to coax the information out of her, but she was too stubborn to budge from insisting that her "damage" wasn't any of his business. Neither did she ask him about the cause of his anger, his nightmares or his pessimistic outlook on life.
But despite her ignorance of the details, she seemed to know what he was going through. Most importantly of all, Ana Lucia knew exactly what he needed without ever having to ask. At times like these, for example, she understood his need to be comforted. She knew how important it was for him to feel like he had a safe outlet, something he hadn't felt in a very long time, and she managed to provide it for him. He reasoned that it must have been because she had gone through something similar. He sometimes caught himself wondering if Ana Lucia had been shown the same gentleness in her time of need and even wishing that he could have been there for her when she had faced the darker sides of life that he knew so well.
Of course, he would never admit to any of this out loud.
"You okay?" she said, reaching up to stroke his hair.
"Yeah, it's just... It ain't been that bad for a long time. Little shaken-up."
She frowned sympathetically. This was yet another side of Ana Lucia that Sawyer was trying to assimilate into the image he had of her. She wouldn't pry into his past or insist he reveal his inner secrets, but she had begun checking up on his general well-being when she thought no one else was watching. It was an aspect of her that he had been surprised to see, and he was still trying to reconcile it with the Ana Lucia that had acted so hostile towards him when they had first met. Now he could practically see the wheels turning as she tried to work out a way to make him feel better.
"I think I know something that might cheer you up," she said, pulling away from him slightly so that he could turn and see her face. She was looking almost childishly proud of herself for whatever it was she had concocted.
"What?" Sawyer asked, hoping he sounded more curious than apprehensive.
She just grinned mischievously and placed her hands on each of his shoulders, pushing him to lay back down. She began shifting so that her head was making its way down his torso. For a moment, he wondered if she was going to go down on him. Instead, she stopped near his stomach, and planted a loud, long, wet raspberry on his belly. He giggled at the sensation, which only encouraged her to do more. He was beginning to wonder if she could carry on like that all night when he was rescued by someone outside yelling at them to keep it down.
"Sorry," Ana Lucia shouted back, and the irony was not lost on Sawyer. "Guess I got a little carried away," she said softly, still grinning for her moment of fun. She shimmied back up, so that he could see her face directly, now, her body half-laying on top of his.
"Why do women think that's so damned cute? Do they think their man will like it?"
"Well you were laughing just now, so there can't possibly be anything amusing about it." He just rolled his eyes at her sarcasm - the side of her that was the easiest for him to comprehend. "And people do it on kids, too, you know," Ana Lucia continued, "not just the person they're sleeping with."
"People do that on their kids? An' it's legal?"
"What? It's not like it's sexual. Well, okay, it might be a little bit for us right now because we're both naked, but people give raspberries to kids all the time."
"Is that where it's supposed ta start?"
"Oh, c'mon. Don't tell me your mother never gave you a raspberry?"
Sawyer hesitated.
"She died when I was a kid," he revealed, trying to sound matter-of-fact, but not looking her in the eye. "I don't remember much from..." he began before trailing off when he realized he was saying too much.
"That's what your nightmares are about," she said, realization quietly creeping into her voice.
"Well, look who's curious after all," Sawyer said, his gaze returning to hers. He knew he had volunteered the information, but her new discovery had left him feeling vulnerable, so he'd tried to regain his cool detachment by turning the conversation back on her. It was a feeble and unfair deflection, and they both knew it.
Ana Lucia looked directly at him, her gaze beginning to harden in mild offense at his posturing. "Not curious, just... Figuring things out," she explained. "There's a difference. Look, I didn't mean to..."
"'S okay," he said, looking away again, now feeling bad for putting her on the spot. She sighed, knowing that they were both now feeling bad for injuring the other. Her brow furrowed, trying to think of another, quieter way to cheer him up.
"C'mere," she said, shifting again so that she was lying flat on her back, and coaxing him into her arms. He gave in to her direction easily, and once they were comfortable, he sighed deeply, enjoying the feel of her soft breasts under his head. Then, he felt her fingers running through his scalp, massaging out the tension still lingering from his dream. He groaned in satisfaction, and she continued.
"Oh....that feels so good." He let her continue in silence for several minutes, and as she massaged away his nightmares, his mind wandered. The difference in Ana Lucia really was amazing. There was a time when he would have expected her to smack him around and tell him to suck it up if she had caught him crying. Truth be told, he still wouldn't have been surprised if she had done exactly that when his dream had woken him that night. Instead, she had been comforting, and he wasn't surprised by this, either.
"You're somethin' else, ya know that?" Sawyer commented with his eyes closed. He was finally feeling relaxed enough to voice thoughts he had been having for a while now and his voice was correspondingly deep and tranquil.
"Yeah? How so?"
"Ya got everyone an' their cousin thinkin' you're such a badass. But the truth is you're just a big softy," he said affectionately.
Ana Lucia scoffed. "Oh you think so, do you?" she argued. Her tone was angry, but the emotion did not carry to her fingers, which continued their gentle massage of his scalp.
"I know so. Just a steel outer shell, then a lot of soft 'n' squishy," Sawyer explained, his voice still calm and relaxed.
"You've got it all wrong," she corrected him. "I have a hard outer shell, a layer of squishy, then solid concrete. With a rubber ducky at the very center," she added after a brief pause.
"A rubber ducky?" he chuckled.
"Um-hum. But not your usual rubber ducky, one of those novelty ones with the devil horns. Or maybe a ninja ducky, I don't know. But definitely a ducky."
He laughed. It was almost like being in the arms of a stranger, Sawyer mused. The person now massaging his scalp was childish, playful and creative. And yet, it was still Ana Lucia. He had even opened his eyes briefly, just to make sure. He was certain that if he tried to tell anyone else about this Ana Lucia, no one would believe him in a million years, and she would kick his ass for it. Not that he was about to tell anyone. He figured that if this rare Ana Lucia was making an appearance, it was because she was letting him in, which flattered his ego greatly. As a result, he was quite happy in the notion that only he knew about this Ana Lucia and was completely willing to keep her secret.
"Yeah? Tell me, Luce. How many licks does it take to get to the rubber ducky center?" Sawyer asked, his voice deep and dripping with innuendo. Sawyer realized he probably shouldn't have been acting like such a smart ass while Ana Lucia's fingers were putting pressure on his scalp but he liked to keep the conversation stimulating. For a second, he was certain she was going to smack him for being so suggestive; or perhaps huff indignantly and tell him he how disgusting he was. He was even on the verge of a self-satisfied snicker, believing he had finally succeeded in shocking Ana Lucia's senses. She had walked right into it, after all.
But he should have known better. Ana Lucia didn't even pause in her massage. Instead, she bit right back:
"Funny. I figured after all that slurping and sucking you were doing down there earlier that you'd be able to tell me."
And now she was back, complete with her razor-sharp sarcasm. He loved this; the person that could keep up with him; the woman that could take whatever he dished out - and give back in kind. Sawyer mused that this was the Ana Lucia that he had known the longest and the best.
"Wasn't countin'," he chuckled.
"Well, now you know for next time," Ana Lucia replied conversationally.
"Guess a rubber ducky's better'n 'sugar 'n' spice an' everythin' nice,'" he concluded.
"You're the same, you know. Always trying to act like such a jackass -"
"Hey!" Sawyer growled, injured at being referred to by his favorite nickname for Jack Shepard.
"But you're just a big sweetheart," she said, as if she hadn't been interrupted.
"That so ain't true!"
"Alright. What would you say you are, then?"
"Me? I'm all Ford Mustang, baby."
"Shee-yeah, right," she scoffed. If she hadn't still been massaging his scalp, he would have argued with her for that one but at this point, he was too relaxed. Instead, he just moaned in contentment as she kept up her ministrations.
"You think you can get back to sleep?" she asked him quietly after a few minutes that had been punctured only by his satisfied groans.
"If I say yes, you gonna to stop workin' them fingers o' yours?"
"No."
"An' what about you?"
"I don't know. I am pretty tired, so maybe."
"I hope so," he said sleepily.
Her massage gradually gave way to gentle strokes of his blond locks as he drifted off to sleep. She was on the edge of sleep herself, when she heard Sawyer moan, drawing her mind from the edge of a dream.
"....lucy..." Sawyer muttered in his sleep.
"I'm right here, baby," she said sleepily.
"...love you..."
And suddenly, Ana Lucia was wide awake.
Ana Lucia hadn't gotten a minute of sleep. Instead, she had spent the whole remainder of the night wide awake, wondering how long she would have to wait until she could leave without being rude. She left Sawyer's tent when the sky started to get light. After all, it was not unusual for her to leave before he woke up, she reasoned with herself. But this morning, she had a completely new reason for wanting to slip out without being noticed.
Ana Lucia was freaking out. Sure, she had gotten him to say that he was falling for her just a few weeks ago. But she had just been messing with him, then. She didn't actually expect him to declare that sort of thing on his own.
Okay, Ana Lucia. Don't panic. Just calm down, she told herself. He was sleeping, right? Maybe this isn't what you think. The truth was, she had no idea what the context of those little words had been. He had been dreaming, hadn't he? Maybe it was just stupid ramblings. Maybe in his dream, he was introducing her to someone - a family member, maybe - and was telling that other person that he loved them. Maybe he was talking about her sarcastically. Maybe his mind had changed from one dream to another. Best to pretend she had never even heard it in the first place.
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? she thought after nearly an hour of trying to get it out of her head. I can't un-hear it.
So then, what if he did love her? Would that really be that bad? Of course it would, she told herself. Because I don't love him. Not like that, anyway. She liked the way things were, and if this got out in the open... Well, she knew she couldn't lie to him, not about that. But she also knew the truth would hurt him, and she didn't want that, either. And then everything would change. She just had to hope that he wouldn't say it while he was fully conscious. And she doubted he would, at least not any time soon. He was a very proud man and she thought it very unlikely that he would make himself that vulnerable unless he was absolutely certain she could return his sentiment.
But then, what if she was falling for him - really falling for him? She had never been in love before - not really. Maybe this was how it felt?
So what were the signs? She knew that if she ever caught him with someone else, she'd probably have to kill someone. But was that was more jealousy and pride, wasn't it? Could she imagine life without him? It would certainly be much duller than now. She couldn't deny that she would miss him if something terrible were to happen, but she was pretty sure that she'd be able to move on. Life before him hadn't exactly been happy, but it wasn't because he hadn't been in it, and she wasn't sure that she would automatically revert back to that if she were to lose him. But now that she considered it, she realized that he had re-ignited something in her - something she thought she had lost - all because he had showed the tiniest bit of concern for her. It had been frustrating at first, and she had done her best to keep from believing it was still possible for her to feel something besides dead.
And if she was in love with him - If I end up falling for him, I mean, she corrected herself. Could we ever work together? She had never really thought of the two of them as a couple in a relationship and was certain that if they had met first in the real world that there was no possibility of anything becoming of it. But then, that's what she had thought when she had first met him here. In fact, she had hated him when she had first met him. He was cocky, selfish, arrogant and tricky. After he had made his play for the guns, she had watched him shrewdly, trying to catch him in something devious. But then she had found him on top of her in the jungle, and everything had changed. Oh, she had kept watching him, trying to catch him in something underhanded - and most importantly, something she could prove to the other "leaders" on the beach. But she was very surprised to find the exact opposite of what she had been hoping for.
He was in fact, a nice guy. Well, when he wants to be. She had never seen anyone who put so much energy in making everyone think he was a bastard. But when he thought no one was watching, he could be downright caring. It was as if he thought being nice was the most underhanded thing he could do, and tried to keep everyone from seeing that. To most of the survivors, he hid it well enough - or at least they never bothered to look deeper than the asshole-exterior. She was pretty sure one or two others had seen past the façade - namely, Hurley and Jin. Sometimes, Ana Lucia thought that even Kate might have seen it at some point, too, but had given up on trying to get Sawyer to admit to it.
For Ana Lucia, Sawyer's true self had become plainly evident, and she had been quite content with him for a while, now. Oh, sure, they had their little spats, but at the end of the day, he had actually made life bearable. In fact, she found herself even having fun when they were arguing. Each of them could handle whatever the other dished out, and it lessened some of the tension caused by having to live in such close quarters with so many people she still considered strangers. Not to mention it also built up tension between the two of them that was later released in more physical activities.
But whenever Sawyer did act like an ass to anyone else for no other reason than to preserve his reputation, she would call him on it. Because she knew it wasn't who he really was. After all, it was the gentler side of him that had caused her to go back him - the side that had been damaged, that could be vulnerable, that needed to be healed. She understood exactly why he worked so hard to cover it up, but at the same time she also knew the importance of giving the human side a chance to show itself every now and then. And last night was a perfect example. He had let his guard down and exposed his tender underbelly to her, even though he had tried to backtrack later. And all the while, she knew he was concerned when she told him she hadn't been sleeping, though he tried to hide that, too. His concern was hardly one-sided, either. She wanted to be there for him, wanted him to know his scared, vulnerable side was safe with her. No, she couldn't deny that they had been growing closer, had started really caring for one another. But Love?
She continued the same thought cycle throughout most of the day, her mind torn between a certainty that his mutterings couldn't possibly have been referring to her, to fearing his reaction if she told him that she didn't love him, to wondering if maybe she was finally falling in love, and pondering whether or not it would work. She kept to the jungle, treading old paths through the vibrant flora and ironing out newer ones, preferring the solitude they offered to sort through her thoughts. She ate freshly picked fruit whenever she got hungry - though in truth, she was always hungry these days - and by the time the sun was nearing the western horizon and the relentless heat of the day was ebbing, she acknowledged that she had to go back. She had come around to the realization that when it really came down to it, she had no control over this. As much as she hated that fact, she had come to accept it, and would deal with it as best as she could. Her only comfort was that Sawyer was unlikely to repeat those words anytime soon while he was awake. And if he ever did, she had at least worked out this much.
When she returned to the beach, a few people gave her their greetings. As it wasn't entirely unusual for her to disappear for the day, only Jack commented that he hadn't seen her around. She had just finished savoring a scrap of meat she had managed to get her hands on when Sawyer finally approached her.
"Ya know," he said, trying to sound nonchalant. "I can't help but get the feelin' you've been avoidin' me."
"Why would I be avoiding you?" she said, attempting to control her voice and body language so that she would come across as casual.
"Dunno. That's why I'm askin'."
"Well... I'm not."
"Not anymore. But were ya?"
"No," she said.
Not quite convinced, Sawyer gave her a "please don't bullshit me" cock of the head.
"I mean, I haven't been avoiding you," Ana Lucia clarified. "I've been avoiding everyone today, and you just happen to be included in that." She reasoned to her self that it was the truth. Sort of. But his expression didn't change. "Look, I just... I had something I needed to work out."
"Ya through workin' it out, then?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Cuz I was hopin' for some comp'ny tanight." Sawyer said, in his heaviest Southern drawl.
Ana Lucia groaned. "I know you think you're being sexy when you lay on the accent, but you just come off sounding like an ignorant hick," she informed him.
Sawyer gasped dramatically and staggered backward, as though physically injured by her sheer words. They both knew it was a phony reaction, but he kept up the indignant pretense when he said: "Well, I was gonna ask if you'd do me the honor, but -"
"Oh really? And exactly why would you pick a gal like me for such an honor?" Ana Lucia inquired. She gave him that half-smile - the one she reserved just for his benefit - that told him she just couldn't hold in her amusement any longer, though she was trying her damnedest. Of course, they both knew she would go, but they also enjoyed the flirtation.
"Was hopin' you might gimme another shot at findin' that rubber ducky center," he smirked. "And maybe you'd like ta find the stick shift on that mustang o' mine," he added suggestively.
Ana Lucia stared at him and retorted back in a flawless deadpan: "Wow. You really know how to make a girl feel special, doncha Sawyer?"
"'Sides," Sawyer continued, ignoring her reaction completely. He gave her a genuine smile before leaning in so close she could smell him. He had given himself a proper bathing today. She closed her eyes, breathing him in.
"You make the night a little less scary," he murmured so that only she could hear him.
She opened her eyes to look at him, and saw that he wasn't just flirting. She had no idea how to respond to that. Her head told her this was a perfect moment to kiss him, but she couldn't seem to stop staring at him. She thought her heart might actually be melting. Aw, hell, was the only truly coherent thought that crossed her mind.
For his part, Sawyer didn't even smirk when it was apparent he had rendered her speechless. Finally. Instead, he leaned in to kiss her. At least one of them had the presence of mind to take advantage of the moment. Ana Lucia didn't know what was going on with her. She was never this passive, never this submissive. He was initiating everything, leading her to his tent, taking off her clothes, laying her down in his pile of bedding. It wasn't like her, and it made her feel weak. Normally, this would have terrified her. But she also felt safe, and when they were done making love, she was able to drift off to sleep.
Contentedly, Sawyer reached out with one hand and gently began stroking her scalp, twining her soft, dark curls around his fingers in an echo of the massage she had given him the previous night. Sawyer was glad that Ana Lucia had managed to get to sleep so quickly, even as he realized it was odd. It also gave him the chance to watch her sleep, a rare opportunity that he was surprisingly happy to have. As he watched her breathe, he began to realize just how strange Ana Lucia was acting. He decided not to try and dissect this Ana Lucia just yet, as he didn't entirely dislike discovering yet another side of her. Besides, he had realized a long time ago that if you tried to figure out women, you'd end up as crazy as they are. He was too tired to really think about it anyway. His gaze remained fixed on her sleeping countenance until he could no longer keep his eyes open. As his eyelids began to droop closed, he kept his focus on her deep, even breaths and he began to drift off.
"....sssawyer..." Ana Lucia muttered in her sleep.
"I'm right here, baby," he said sleepily.
"...love you..."
And suddenly, Sawyer was wide awake.
cross-posted to ana_lucia_fans, for_ana_lucia, lost_sana_fans, madhotjunglesex, missy42 & fanfiction.net.