50stories Theme #16 - Denial ~ As it just so happened... ~ KaoruxYoshiki

[missxmexnot]

Title: As it just so happened...
Author: Ame
Theme: #16 - Denial
Rating: PG-13
Genre: angst, shonen ai, fluff, metioned yaoi
Pairing: KaoruxYoshiki
Band(s): Dir en grey/X Japan, S.K.I.N., etc.
Summary: Yoshiki's view on how his and Kaoru's relationship started.

Disclaimer: I don't own or know them, I'm not making money off this, please don't sue me. And hey, if you're reading this, I love you guys!!! AND YOSHIKI YOU SHOULD GO ON THE TONIGHT SHOW!! XD
Comments: I'm sick today so I haven't gone out to do ANYTHING. Yay for sitting at home and writing!
Okay, so I was writing "Oops" when all of a sudden Yoshiki said,
"...and then this kid walks in and I almost can't fucking speak because he's just standing there and then-"
.....

and my brain responded:

AND THEN WHAT?!

So this happened.

P.S. I cut out the sex, because it really is a lot more necessary to Kaoru and his story than to Yoshiki. Also because the perspectives don't change that story, for the most part. If you're in it for that, or just want to read it (because it is important overall), it can be found in "He remembered..." and "Tenshi".
P.P.S. I really, REALLY, wanted to call this "Thank you", because it explains why he's always saying it, but I already have a fic called "Thank you". Grr...either way, if you're reading this regularly,
TAKE NOTE:
This fic (should) explains why Yoshiki thanks Kaoru all the time.
Enjoy.

For Yoshiki, it started on the phone. As he was talking to this young man, who sounded cocky and hopeful and scared to death, something happened to him that he couldn't explain. He got a feeling, one that told him there was something he should know. But it passed quickly and didn't bother him for a long time.

It was an American studio, because it was convenient, and he was used to it, and hell maybe just because Yoshiki wanted it that way. What mattered was that it was a studio. He had planned on meeting them somewhere else, like where they were practising or maybe even at a restaurant (which was just slightly odd, but it had occurred to him). But things had come up and he'd had to be in the studio while meeting them. They ambled in, completely nervous and star-struck, led by Kaoru, who looked like he was trying hard not to shake like a leaf or collapse onto his hands and knees when he walked up to Yoshiki. The other person in the room, whom Yoshiki had been talking to, pointed them out. He stood to greet them, and they bowed so low he was afraid they were going to hit something. Shinya, the shy little drummer, really was shaking, and that made him smile, it was so cute. However, it occurred to him quickly that this feeling would have to disappear fast, or they wouldn't get much done. It also occurred to him that whatever it was about Kaoru would have to wait for after the job was done. Because there certainly was something about him.

The first step was making them comfortable. This meant Yoshiki had to let up on the scolding and nitpicking he knew he'd start doing once he was confortable with them. Unfortunately, this hadn't been as easy as it sounded in Yoshiki's head. They were good, definitely, but not as great as he'd thought, and while he was glad to work with them it was, as always, a little frustrating. The first time he remembered yelling at them was also the moment he began to realise what it was about their lead guitarist. They were recording a song for the tenth time in half an hour, at their second recording session, Yoshiki remembers very clearly. It was Die's fault this time, unlike the last few, which were Kyo or Shinya's. Shinya was still shaking intermittently, which hurt his drumming, but that was something Yoshiki had started to simply grit his teeth against and keep going. But when Die managed to slip up - and severely at that, the long bottling-up of emotion against Shinya broke out.

"Okay, okay, stop," he said through the speaker. They hadn't heard him - or, at least, Kyo, Shinya, and Die hadn't - and that was the last straw. "I SAID FUCKING STOP!!" Everything fell apart suddenly, and Yoshiki fumed for a moment, his forehead in his hand. "Die," he said, dropping his hand and looking up at him through the plexiglass. "What was that?" Die was silent for a long moment, and looked over at Kaoru as if for help.

"I...I'm sorry, Hayashi-san, it was just-"

"No, no, no, not 'just'. No 'just', okay! Do you realise how many times you've done this song?" Another silence, and Yoshiki clicked his tongue. "No? Okay." He feigned searching for the information. "TEN TIMES!" he yelled suddenly, making half the band jump. Shinya hid behind his hair, and Toshiya's jaw threatened to drop. "Ten fucking times in three hours! Do you even practise this song?" No one answered him, and he stood up and went to the door, dropping his headphones. "Someone answer me," he said once he had the door open. "Anyone. Just, let me know if you're actually serious about this." Shinya, in the corner, stifled a small sob. Everyone else merely blinked at him. That was, until Kaoru stood up, setting his guitar on his chair. He locked eyes with Yoshiki, and even though they were glaring at each other Yoshiki felt his heart flutter. It confused and suprised him so much he almost collapsed. The feeling manifested itself in a small gasp, and his crossed arms loosened and went to his side.

"Hayashi-san," Kaoru said quietly after a very long moment. "Can I please ask for a break?" Everyone's eyes went to Kaoru as he spoke, then back to Yoshiki. They continued to stare at each other, and Yoshiki had to take a few deep breaths to calm his now red-hot and fluttering nerves.

"I think that's a good idea," he answered, before turning on his heel and stalking back to the console to occupy himself. "Take a few minutes. How's ten? No, fifteen. Take a whole fifteen. Go smoke if you smoke, have something to eat, be back here in fifteen." The band members watched him for a moment before sidling out quietly, leaving only Yoshiki and Kaoru. Yoshiki replaced his headphones and was getting ready to do some work that was totally unrelated to Dir en grey when Kaoru stood up from leaning against the wall and walked over to him. He gazed up at him with his best "Didn't-I-tell-you-to-leave-well-then-what-the-fuck-are-you-still-doing-here?" look. Kaoru merely stared back, and after a moment Yoshiki felt his heartbeat quicken again, his breath catching in his throat. Shit, he thought, There is no way in hell I am falling for this punk. "Yes?" he asked, as calmly as he could. Kaoru watched him for a moment more, before nodding minutely.

"Nothing," he said, then stopped before turning to leave. "It's...we're all really nervous," he started, turning back completely and leaning a little on the console. "We've been going through some really rough stuff between us lately, and trying to stay focussed while working with you is hard for some of us. We appreciate everything you're doing for us - I really can't emphasise that enough." Yoshiki nodded. He'd heard this a billion times since they'd come in. "But I'd like to ask you to show them a little more patience." That was what did it for him. That last phrase, where little, pink-haired guitarist Kaoru suddenly started to blossom in Yoshiki's eyes into the leader-sama he was to everyone else. The tone of his voice had changed completely, and he'd referred to his band as if they were his children, and all he wanted was what was best for them. It was the first time he'd been himself around Yoshiki, and something in Yoshiki bent and broke completely at those few words. He could do nothing but nod, almost ashamedly, although his slight blush was for a completely different reason. Kaoru nodded a little in response and looked up at the clock, then left without another word.

Immediately after he was sure the man was gone, Yoshiki ran to the closest bathroom and splashed his face with cold water for a good five minutes straight. Then he made himself some coffee, drank it in the next couple of minutes, and managed to get back before the rest of them. It was one of the few times Yoshiki himself wondered how he did things like that. The rest of the day went fairly smoothly, mostly because Yoshiki was focussing more on ignoring the guitarist than being nitpicky. Fortunately, that song turned out to be one of the best, in Yoshiki's opinion.

To celebrate them living through his admonitions, and to try to patch up any wounds he may have made, Yoshiki invited the band to his house for some drinks, dancing, and general relaxation. It was a very casual party, mostly consisting of sitting around, talking, and watching Toshiya dance wildly to the music Yoshiki had put on. After he was drunk, of course. As the evening was winding down, Yoshiki wandered outside through the open door and began to pace slowly around his pool. The lights were on for the special occasion, and he smiled a little at them, at their cheeriness. He had gone outside partially to get fresh air, but mostly to escape the haunting guitarist, who had somehow found himself right next to him most of the evening. But as he was making his second round, he heard soft footsteps and looked toward the door to see Kaoru, drink in hand, paused right outside the doors. He had stopped in the exact right place for the lights to reflect across him in dancing, rainbow waves, and glimmer somehow off his glass. It seemed to surround him with light, and Yoshiki felt suddenly as if something had hit him square in the chest. He looked like...an angel.

Kaoru caught sight of him and smiled genially, tilting his head in a small, awkward bow. He did the same, but much more elegantly, as he wasn't drunk, and continued his circuit. Once he reached the side that Kaoru was standing on, however, he stopped, facing him. His hands were shaking, and he stuck the empty one in his pocket. The light had shifted a little, and Kaoru now stood almost half in shade, which changed Yoshiki's perception of him somewhat. Now he was suddenly very handsome. Had he ever thought that about him? For that matter, about anyone, for...well, a long time. And to add on top of that, had he been turned on by anyone who wasn't naked and on a television screen for that long, either? This man was doing insane things to him, his mind and his body, that he wasn't sure he liked, but he definitely wanted. He felt himself twitch, and sent his body a silent admonition.

"Hey, I've been meaning to say," Kaoru started. Yoshiki noted his slurred speech, and the way his eyes fuzzed over every few seconds. He was smashed. It occurred to Yoshiki that he might - just might - be able to get away with murder tonight. As he took his next drink, he shot it back to give himself some false courage, and began to flirt. "Sorry for Kyo. You know, he's got some problems and such..." He began to gesticulate vaguely, but largely, with both hands. "He gets really bitchy when he's recording sometimes. I know he's a good singer and everything, but I just have to-"

"Did I ever tell you how much I like your hair, Kaoru?" he asked suddenly. Oh god, he thought, This is fucking suicide. This man is straight. This man is straight. What the hell am I doing? Oh fucking hell... His stomach got butterflies, but he valiantly fought back the thoughts and the nerves and held tight to his demeanour. Kaoru looked over at him abruptly, startled at being interrupted. "People might think it's girly of me, but I love the colour pink." Vaguely, Yoshiki wondered if he'd even catch on to the fact that he was being so familiar with him, dropping the honourific for the first time. To be more forward, Yoshiki took another drink, and eyed the man over the top of his glass. Okay, it was definitely working; he had the man's attention now. At this point, Yoshiki summed up all his strength and completely shut off the nerves and doubtful voices threatening to overwhelm him. If there was ever a time he needed to be collected, it was now.

"Thank you," Kaoru said, a small amount of confusion in his voice. Okay, maybe he had noticed the omitted honourific. Even better. As Yoshiki took the glass from his lips, he shaded his eyes and turned himself just slightly, giving his best flirtatious expression with his whole body. It worked perfectly. Kaoru's eyes widened slightly, and his expression relaxed into one of mild fascination. Before he'd noticed he was doing it, Yoshiki had taken a step forward, and was slowly closing the distance between them. His entire being was screaming OH SHIT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!, but it made no difference as he could feel the heat of Kaoru's body agonisingly close, his breath ghosting across his cheek as the last few centimetres were bridged and suddenly, instantly, Yoshiki's entire world turned upside down and then abruptly righted itself. He had barely pressed their lips together, but it had been enough - perhaps too much - and Yoshiki had almost jumped away, scared to death. There was no way, absolutely no way he was going to fall in love. He abruptly took another drink, attempting to distract himself, but couldn't help continuing to stare at the man. He felt as though he was going to cry, and his heart was breaking but still beating like a rabbit. Don't forget, his mind was saying, happily triumphant, He's straight.

Suddenly Die bounded outside and tackled Kaoru from behind, yelling "What are you doing out here, stupid?" However, it sounded more like "Wha-oo-do-at-here stupid?" The instant Yoshiki had seen Die running, his mind was taken off of Kaoru and went immediately to the safety of both the men. Kaoru threw Die off of him and he stumbled, and Yoshiki was about to run forward when he caught himself. Annoyed and very relieved, Yoshiki sighed and rolled his eyes, ushering them back into the house.

"Come on, you two, you're too drunk to be out by the pool," he said, and closed the door behind them for good measure. Die made a sound between a whine and a snigger.

"What's wrong with the pool, Yoshiki-san?" he asked, and fell into a chair. Yoshiki stood still for a moment, his hands on the door. What was he doing...?

"I once nearly drowned in a pool," he answered quietly, even though he knew Die wasn't listening. The memory flashed in his mind's eye, and hide's laughing face. What the hell was he doing?

"Hontou?" he heard someone ask, and thought at first that it was himself asking if he was serious about all this. But in an instant he registered the voice, and turned to look up at Kaoru. He nodded.

"Yes. With Hide." That's it, his mind told him. It's done now. Now get these boys out of here so you can go upstairs and sleep, and tomorrow you can pretend none of this ever happened. Yoshiki downed the rest of his drink and walked to the middle of the room. "Alright, you all," he said, turning around to get their attention. "It's getting late, and none of you are sober enough to drive yourselves back to your hotels, so I'm going to call some cabs for you. Don't do anything stupid, I'll be right back." Hurriedly, Yoshiki went to the nearest phone in an adjacent room and did just that. Then, he wandered into the kitchen and went straight for the nearest wine bottle, meaning to get himself raving drunk so that, hopefully, even he wouldn't remember anything in the morning. He was so absorbed in his own thoughts, he didn't hear Kaoru come in, and nearly jumped when he saw him standing in the doorway. He closed his eyes for a moment, calming himself, then found he was unable to move. Something was rooting him to that very spot, and he didn't like it one bit. He looked back up at Kaoru, knowing he must look pathetic, and they merely stood there for a very long moment. Then Kaoru spoke.

"Why-"

"I'm sorry," Yoshiki interrupted, and finally found the strength to drop his eyes to the floor. He knew it! It was all a terrible mistake, and he shouldn't have done something like that to this poor young man who he was trying to have a business relationship with. He heard a footstep, and closed his eyes, wincing and feeling terrible. But he hadn't stepped away, and suddenly there was a warm, calloused hand gently lifting his head, and those lips pressing hesitantly, carefully against his own, as if he were asking for permission. Instantly, Yoshiki set the wine glass down and melted into the kiss. YES! YES! OH HELL YES! his until-now hidden heart was screaming at his mind. His mind went away to sulk in a corner, leaving the rest of him to enjoy the experience. With his now free hands, he reached up and entwined his fingers timidly into the man's hair. As he did this, Kaoru's hands came to his waist, pulling him even closer, and his entire body trembled in want and perfect happiness. They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, an overwhelmingly comfortable warmth spreading through Yoshiki's body. And then suddenly it hit Yoshiki - this isn't right. It can't be this way. Nothing can ever be this way! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, god, Yoshiki, what are you doing!

In an instant, Yoshiki had pulled away, practically throwing himself against the counter. He stood there, clutching the edge of it so hard his knuckles were white. For a moment, he stood still, breathing and trying to regain control of himself. Oh, Yoshiki...what have you done...? He bit his bottom lip self-consciously, a very old habit he'd been trying to get rid of because it was girly, and then laughed softly at himself for the action. He found the strength and stood, but couldn't bring himself to look at Kaoru. His eyes wandered around the room aimlessly, looking everywhere - anywhere but Kaoru.

"Kaoru..." he heard himself say, but that one word took all the conviction out of him. He sighed, and closed his eyes, composing himself a little more before looking up at the man. If he could have cried, he would have, and he knew he looked absolutely pathetic as he gazed up at him. He looked so innocent, so perfect, and in that instant Yoshiki knew that he would never again be as happy as he had been in those few seconds. "You're drunk." He smiled sadly, realising the irony of it all. "You won't even remember this in the morning. Now go on, your cab will be here soon." Kaoru hesitated for only a moment, then turned around and left. Alone, after hearing out each of them, Yoshiki turned back to the counter and crossed his arms, laying his head down on them and squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm so sorry..." he said, wishing he had someone to say it to. There was no reason to feel sorry for himself, now, was there? "I'm so sorry...I just couldn't."

That night, for the third time in just over a year, Yoshiki almost committed suicide. What had stopped him this time was new, however. It was a feeling deep in him that he couldn't - and perhaps didn't want to - explain. There was self-pity, too, which had started the last time. Why the hell do you want to do something like this to yourself, to everyone else? And that night, crying the dry tears he was becoming so familiar with, he fell asleep on the floor next to his piano.

In the morning, when he'd met with them to do more mork, Kaoru showed no sign of remembering the previous night. Yoshiki shoved all thougths related to the man in the back of his mind to forget forever. There was a new awkwardness between them, however, and they showed it most prevalently in physical ways. They made a point of never sitting next to each other. When they spoke, it was only to work. Yoshiki especially made sure that they were never alone together. But the thoughts never went away. They surfaced at the worst times, and fought hard against his will. Whenever he was alone and they decided to poke their horned heads out he was unable to do anything productive. Worse than that, he found he had to deny himself any sort of stimulating action, sexually or emotionally, because they always, always made him think of - and long for - Kaoru. It seemed to reach its peak the day they left, as Yoshiki realised they were now an entire ocean apart, and there really was nothing he could do about it.

Gackt was the first to notice Yoshiki's odd behaviour, after his secretary. But he didn't say anything about it. It was Heath who spoke up first. A good three months after they had left, in mid-October 1999, they were sitting together at a restaurant when Heath turned to him and gave him the most straightforward confrontation he could remember.

"What's her name?" he asked, and Yoshiki looked up from eating. His brow knitted.

"What do you mean?" Heath practically rolled his eyes.

"I mean, there's something bothering you. So what's her name?" Yoshiki stared at him, completely taken aback. "Yoshiki, you're dripping tomato paste," Heath said after a long moment, and Yoshiki sat up abruptly and cleaned himself.

"It's not a 'she'," he said quietly. Heath cocked his head.

"What?"

"I said, it's not a 'she'," Yoshiki said a little louder, trying to keep his voice low enough that no one around them would hear, or at least keep himself well hidden.

"That's what I thought you said." Heath sat back a little more and looked around, as if for inspiration. "Look," he said finally. "I don't care if it's a fucking cat. Whatever it is, it's seriously bothering you. I can see it when you walk." He looked back at him. "So if you're not going to do something about it..." He sighed, almost helplessly. "I don't know what to tell you," he said softly, and began to fold his napkin absently. "Come to Japan with me," he said suddenly. Yoshiki looked back at him, somewhat shocked. "Come on, Yoshiki, just a few days. Take a break. Come home."

"This is home," Yoshiki responded, almost darkly. Heath nodded.

"I understand. Yoshiki, please," he said. "We'll lie low, okay? Just a few days, that's all I'm asking." Yoshiki took a long drink from his large wine glass, and shook his head.

"No."

Despite Yoshiki's protests, he found himself suddenly back in Japan, the very last place he wanted to be. Heath had kept his promise, letting Yoshiki do whatever crazy things he wanted to disguise himself, and didn't make a big point of dragging him everywhere. As he kept insisting, it was a break. A little time to compose himself, get whatever was bugging him sorted out so that he could go on living. Little did Yoshiki know he was fated to do just that. As he and Heath were wakling into a club, someone rushed out and ran straight into Yoshiki, knocking them both over. Heath ran to Yoshiki's side and helped him up as both men apologised profusely.

"Daijoubu?" Heath asked, genuinely concerned, but Yoshiki didn't hear him. The man flat on his ass, rubbing his palms clean distractedly, was none other than the very person he had been trying so hard to avoid. Unable to stop himself, he walked to him and bent over him, gazing at him in near reprimand. Heath, watching, cocked his head a little.

"Daijoubu?" Yoshiki asked softly, and Kaoru looked abruptly up at his voice. They stayed as they were for a moment, during which it was obvious to any passerby, including Heath, that they shared some sort of moment. Realising this must be the problem, Heath quirked an eyebrow. Hadn't he seen that man somewhere before...?

"Yoshiki?' Kaoru asked softly, and the mentioned man clicked his tongue and pulled him up by his arm.

"Don't just sit there like an idiot," he scolded, shaking his head. A small smile crept onto his face. This really wasn't as awkward as he thought it would be. He was actally happy to see the man again. "Haven't changed, have you?" Kaoru merely stared at him, shaking his head mutely. Deciding it was now or never, Yoshiki sighed and turned to Heath. "I think he's drunk. Do you mind if I take him home?"

By now, Heath was ready to threaten to push the man over a cliff if it meant he would talk to the "problem". It was painfully obvious by the very way they interacted that there was something between them, and Heath's instincts told him it was a very good something. He answered immediately.

"Sure." On second thought, if you don't talk to him, I can at least get my two cents in. "Go sleep, then, too. I'll see you tomorrow." He opened his mouth to protest, but Heath gave him a look that he'd been using for years to tell drunk Yoshiki to shut up and do as he said. It was a rare look, but Yoshiki recognised it and didn't continue. Heath walked casually into the club, hoping for the best. After he was gone, Yoshiki turned back to Kaoru, and the look in his eyes made it plain he knew Kaoru wasn't drunk.

"All right, you, what's wrong?" he asked, suddenly reverting to manager-mode. Kaoru hesitated to answer him, and Yoshiki suddenly got a very bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"I need to talk to you," he said, his eyes coming to rest on Yoshiki definitively. His voice was the same tone as it had been the very first time Yoshiki's resolution had broken to him, and he felt it begin to crumble again. He found himself unable to speak, and once again merely nodded.

Kaoru brought him back to his house, and immediately after showing him to the couch went in the kitchen to make tea. It was a quaint little apaato, with nice tatami mats and all black furniture, except for a very old looking table in the dining room. It was burnt wood, and had many little imperfections in it. Yoshiki wandered about for a few moments as Kaoru was in the kitchen, something Kaoru never knew about. He noticed things about the apaato that spoke to him as little bits of, or explanations for, Kaoru. The clock in the dining room, for example, which was also old and black, but was a cuckoo clock. It looked like it had been painted black a long time ago, and the paint was about to peel any moment. That was Yoshiki's favourite piece, and would remain so. By the time Kaoru peeked out of the kitchen, Yoshiki had seated himself on the couch, his back to the kitchen, and was playing nervously with his bracelet. Yoshiki was the kind of person who, especially when nervous, needed something small to do with his hands. When he'd had to start regularly wearing wrist braces, he'd developed the habit of scratching the skin around his nails, which was another one of those habits he hated but never seemed able to break. He felt eyes on him, and looked over his shoulder to see Kaoru walking into the living room, and he sat down on the opposite end of the couch. Yoshiki had spread himself almost sideways across the thing in an attempt to relax, and he sat almost against his knee.

"That's going to take awhile," he said, gesturing behind him, toward the oven, with a thumb. "My stove barely works." Yoshiki merely nodded and went back to playing with his bracelet. After a long while Kaoru sat forward, and as Yoshiki looked up he met the man's eyes. He shivered, his hand falling from the bracelet, and Kaoru sighed.

"Do you ever take those sunglasses off?" Kaoru asked, smiling a little. Oh, no, please not that... Yoshiki pleaded silently, but didn't hesitate to remove them and fold them neatly into his shirt pocket.

"Better?" he asked, trying to control his voice so it wouldn't waver. Kaoru merely nodded, the ghost of a smile passing over his face. "What did you want to talk about?" Yoshiki asked after a moment, trying, hoping, to change the unspoken subject. "Is something wrong with the band?" Kaoru smiled again, a little spitefully, and shook his head, his gaze falling.

"No, not the band." He said softly. "Something's wrong with me." No, Yoshiki thought, Don't say that. There's nothing wrong with you. Sympathetically, he sat up more, pulling his legs in and turning a little toward Kaoru.

"You can talk to me," he said, silently hoping he would. Or he wouldn't. Yoshiki didn't know what he wanted anymore. He just wanted to be safe, to be loved. But he couldn't have that, now, could he? Kaoru nodded a little.

"I...I don't really know how to say this, Yoshiki-san," he stuttered. Yoshiki felt the cold dread rise in his stomach again. Suddenly Kaoru sat up and looked directly at him, and Yoshiki felt the same feeling he had the first time he'd looked at him like that. As if, were he standing, he would have fallen. Thankfully, he wasn't, and he tried hard to silence his beating heart. Maybe if he thought about it long enough it would stop beating altogether. Now wouldn't that be something. "I don't even know what to say," Kaoru continued. "Ever since that party..." Yoshiki's eyes widened for a split second, and he literally felt his heart skip a few beats. When he could breathe again, his composure was back without question. But his heart had crumpled and was sobbing in a little ball, while his mind just watched with a cruel smile. "I didn't forget," he said, quietly, and Yoshiki felt his entire world begin to fall apart. No, no...please... "I remember everything. And it's been bothering me, this whole time. I can't focus on work, my mind keeps slipping during practise and suddenly I'm the one getting yelled at." Despite his bleeding heart, Yoshiki smiled at the image. His strong, defiant Kaoru getting yelled at by his bandmates. Mine? ...Oh, god... "I don't even know what to think." That makes two of us... "There's just one thing I need to ask you, I've needed to ask you this whole time." He hesitated, and Yoshiki got chills. His gaze faltered, and suddenly that hand was on his chin again, and he was begging, pleading all the powers in the world to let this last. Oh, please, let it not be a dream. But even so, it's all too much. Even if it is real, it won't be for long... Their eyes met again, and Yoshiki began to glance back and forth between Kaoru's eyes nervously. There was no avoiding it now. He was going to have to answer for his crimes.

"Why did you kiss me, Yoshiki?" Yoshiki's eyes stopped suddenly, and he closed them, unable to look at the man any more. For your sake, and for mine... He took a slow, deep breath, but was interrupted. "If you're going to say it was drunken desire, don't. I don't want to hear that, and what's more I won't believe it." Yoshiki's mouth closed suddenly, and his lower lip slipped into his mouth. He couldn't tell him the truth. What was the truth...? He really didn't know. He shook his head a little, so minutely Kaoru didn't notice.

"I don't know, Kaoru," he said after a long time, and so quietly Kaoru almost couldn't hear him. "Why does anyone do anything? It seems right at the time..."

"Then tell me this," Kaoru said gently in a voice almost as quiet as his own. "Do you regret it?" Yoshiki's heart peeked its head out from under its arms, and his mind began to shrink back. He did know the answer to that one. Blinking a few times, he looked up at Kaoru confidently.

"No, Kaoru, I don't regret it," he said, quietly but with great conviction. "I can't tell you what made me do it then, that night, at that moment, but I can tell you if it hadn't happened then it would have happened some other time."

"Like now?" Yoshiki barely had time to blush before Kaoru's lips were on his own, and he felt so helpless, so perfectly wonderful. This kiss was different from the one they'd shared before. The first was so hesitant, so timid, and this one was perfect, passionate, and confident, and took Yoshiki's breath away. It said something, a thing no words could ever say, and Yoshiki's entire being melted with that kiss. No more were his mind and heart battling. Gone was the fear of rejection, of hurt. The very kiss said that Kaoru would never hurt him, was so flawed that he would never be hypocritical, and so wonderful he would never stop loving him. Yes, that was it, the kiss was pure love. Yoshiki closed his eyes, and pressed himself to the man, wanting more and yet for this never to change.

After a few awkward mistakes, Kaoru managed to make love to him, and it was the first time he'd been meaningfully touched by another person in three years. He had never felt so loved in his entire life, even though for moths afterward he would tell himself it was just sex. But even Yoshiki had to acknowledge that the experience changed him forever. After they had made love, Yoshiki curled up into Kaoru's arms and wept, thinking only one thing: Love. It does exist. And I've found it...