Theme #1 - Accident ~ all the love I have for you...is held in this thimble. (Part 2) ~KaoruxYoshiki
Title: all the love I have for you...is held in this thimble. (Part 2)
Author: Ame
Theme: #1 - Accident
Rating: PG
Genre: angst, yaoi, romance
Pairing: KaoruxYoshiki
Band(s): Dir en grey/S.K.I.N, X Japan, etc.
Summary: After a seemingly meaningless fight, Kaoru admits to a number of potentially relationship-fatal mistakes.
Disclaimer: Yes. Don't own them. *shakes fist* I'll get you someday!!
Comments: Thank you so much everyone who has left me all these wonderful comments :) I really, really appreciate it. It's always nice to know someone enjoys reading the things you write.
Yes, so...the second part. Kaoru actually had some good reasons to go off, even though he was being really immature about it. Sometimes it just happens that way. Sorry it took so long, been writing on other things...but anyway, here it is!
As they walked back inside, Yoshiki let go of Kaoru, and the younger man trailed after him, his hands buried deep in his pockets and his hair slung into his face self-consciously. It took a few moments for him to catch up with Yoshiki, and he shut the door behind them as Kaoru slunk over to the bed and sat slowly. Sighing, Yoshiki went over to sit with him. His eyes were down still, and with a little smile Yoshiki turned his chin up and brushed the hair from his face. Upset as he was, he was still so handsome.
"Now," he said softly, the smile drifting off his face. "Tell me what's bothering you." Kaoru blinked at him for a long time, then looked away.
"I-" he began, weakly, then dropped off completely. Yoshiki closed his eyes for a moment, collecting himself so as to not go off on him.
"Would it help if I asked you to start from the beginning?" he asked, his voice tinted with exasperation. Kaoru glanced back up at him briefly, then nodded a little. There was a silence, and Yoshiki settled back, waiting patiently. The air was tense, and he fought not to play with his hands, one of his nervous tics which he knew would make Kaoru even more nervous himself. Instead he settled for chewing inconspicuously on his lower lip. Kaoru drew in a slow, deep breath.
"A few months ago, when we were in America - the band, I mean - we were at a party..." His voice was halting, and he hesitated in his speech to sigh and close his eyes for a moment. "We were all so drunk, even Kyo, and he doesn't get smashed as often as any of us. It was late when we finally went back to the hotel, and we were all so drunk we barely made it into our rooms. I..." He paused again, and Yoshiki shifted a little, urging him on silently. "I was...changing...in my room...when the door opened. I was a little startled, but I was too drunk to really care. I didn't even see who it was, because I hadn't bothered to turn the light on. But he closed the door behind him and all of a sudden he was...kissing me." Another pause, and Yoshiki stopped chewing on his lip. He felt something tighten in his chest and his entire body go suddenly cold, but he made no sound. "I pushed him away..at f-first." Kaoru was struggling with his words now, and was starting to tremble bodily. "But...but he didn't stop. H-he just came at me again, and this time he...he started touching me, and I was - gods, that's not an excuse...! I didn't even think, I was so fucking drunk and tired." He took a deep, shuddering breath, attempting to calm himself. "I don't remember most of what happened..." he said softly after a moment, "I j-just know it did." His trembling had increased a good deal, and he was staring fixedly at the sheets between them, his eyes full of confusion and desperation. Yoshiki's hand twitched of its own accord, and he cleared his throat, fighting back the rage that was building up inside him.
"Who-?" was all he managed to whisper out, as his hand clutched at the bed sheets. Kaoru cringed slightly at his voice.
"K-Kyo." Yoshiki shut his eyes, letting go of the sheets and clenching his jaw. As hard as he tried, he couldn't seem to make his mind work. He took a few slow, deep breaths, but it didn't help much. Kaoru whimpered something softly, barely audible, but Yoshiki wasn't listening.
"It...wasn't...it was the drink," he said softly, halfway between a question and a statement. Kaoru didn't answer him for a long moment.
"Yes...b-but..." He fell silent again, and Yoshiki gulped. He took a deep breath and barely managed his next question, fighting it out through clenched teeth.
"But?"
"It happened again," Kaoru said, his voice noticeably less shaky but much darker, filled with a deep note of sorrow. He had resigned himself to his fate: he'd gotten this far, there was no going back. He'd tried to make it easy, just push the man away, but he couldn't. Then again, he'd said he couldn't do a lot of things, and ended up doing them anyway. "During the last tour. We weren't drunk that time." There was another silence, during which Yoshiki tried for the last time to control his anger and failed. He snapped.
"And how long, Kaoru?" he asked, his voice quiet and laced with venom. He turned to him slowly, his eyes filled with rage and sorrow. "How long did you hesitate? Did you even bother!" His voice was rising, and Kaoru shrank back a little. "For that matter, how long were you planning on keeping this from me? Fuck!" He jumped to his feet, his back to the man, and began to scream. "Why? Why, Kaoru!"
"Because you weren't there!" Kaoru retorted, the tears he had been fighting back finally spilling forth and cracking his voice. "You were never there! That's why! You are never there!" He rose and went to the man's side, and Yoshiki closed his eyes again, his fists clenching at his sides. "You may be perfectly content with a relationship across the phone, across an entire ocean, but that's just not cutting it for me!" He began to pace, from one side of the room to the other, in quick, sharp strides. "You can call it my youth if you want, say it's my dick talking and I need to learn to control myself, that I'm fucking immature. And you know what? You'd probably be right. I know you'd be right!" He stopped right in front of Yoshiki, his voice lowering a little. "You're always right." Yoshiki's mouth fell open slowly, and he blinked a few times. He shivered.
"Stop it," he whispered. "Please..." A small, barely audible whine escaped his lips, and Kaoru felt the tears coming again. This was what he was afraid of; the terrible alternative to tears. Angels don't cry with tears, they cry with their very souls. Yoshiki's eyes darted around, as his mind raced to catch up to his heart. He shook his head a little, no longer able to form words to express his thoughts. Kaoru started trembling again.
"I tried, Yoshiki," he managed. A plea, or an apology. "I tried..." Yoshiki's eyes stopped moving, fell upon the floor and glazed over, seeing nothing. Kaoru felt hot tears chasing each other wildly down his flushed face. He was so stupid, so weak, to fall for someone else and to sit here crying over it. No, he hadn't fallen for Kyo. Kyo hadn't fallen for him. It was just sex between friends. He almost scoffed at himself. Friends don't have sex.
Yoshiki's mind started to catch up, and he closed his mouth. He shivered again, feeling his too-tense body start to relax. His wrists and hands hurt like hell, from the forced clenching and unclenching. So did his head. He could feel his heartbeat in every part of his body, as feeling returned to him, and he sighed. He blinked a few times, slowly, registering everything and letting it settle a little, giving himself time to think of something intelligent to say. This was a crucial moment, and through the haze in his mind he knew if everything didn't go right he'd walk out of this hotel and into a solitary life, again.
"What now?" he said, softly. Kaoru looked at him slowly, then shook his head.
"I should leave," he answered, but made no move to do so. Yoshiki was still staring at the ground. He licked his lips, which were extremely dry, and bit his bottom one lightly.
"I think so," he said slowly, and looked back up at him. "I think...one of us should. But...we have to come back." His eyes drifted downward for a moment, but he brought them back up to meet Kaoru's. The younger man scratched his chin self-consciously, then nodded.
"I...I don't want-"
"Neither do I. But this is...it's going to take some time." Kaoru nodded again, his hand falling from his chin and both finding refuge in his pockets. Yoshiki sighed heavily, his gaze drifting once more. "You should go now." His brow furrowed for a moment, and then he nodded. After a moment Kaoru turned and started out the door. "Can I call you?" Yoshiki asked as he reached for the knob. "When I feel like I can talk." Kaoru glanced over his shoulder and nodded.
"I love you," he said softly, then instantly regretted it. Yoshiki cringed at the phrase. He opened his mouth to urge him away again, but the man was already out the door, shutting it quietly behind him. As the door hissed shut, he felt something within him collapse entirely. His heart was pounding in his chest, a coldness settled next to it. Yoshiki fell back onto the hotel bed and, for the first time in over a decade, cried himself to sleep.
Three weeks later Kaoru was walking down to the Tokyo underground when his cell phone rang. Cursing, he ran back up the stairs and answered it quickly.
"Moshi-moshi? Kaoru desu."
"Moshi-moshi, Kaoru." Kaoru's breath caught in his throat.
"...Yoshiki." There was a long pause, and Kaoru took advantage of it to slip into a fairly quiet restaurant. He slunk to the very back and sat himself down quickly. Yoshiki cleared his throat.
"Where are you now?"
"I'm in Tokyo at the moment." He dismissively ordered a random drink from the waitress who had bustled over to him. Yoshiki cleared his throat again, this time softly.
"I see. That's good." Kaoru's cell phone beeped again, and he sighed frustratedly.
"Excuse me for just a second." He took the phone away and pressed a button to read the text.
Hungry?
Bad time. Don't text back.
"Texting?" Kaoru's brow furrowed.
"How-?"
"It beeps when you press buttons." Yoshiki laughed a little more, and Kaoru made a sound of exasperation. "Baka..." he said softly, almost as if he were afraid the jest would be taken seriously. There was another pause, then Kaoru cleared his throat. The waitress brought him what turned out to be a black coffee in a small cup perched on a saucer. He thanked her softly and reached for the sugar. His hands were shaking a little, but he fought rushing the man. Things didn't look good as it was, why make the situation worse? "I'm in Tokyo, too," Yoshiki said finally. "I thought maybe we could meet somewhere and talk." Kaoru stirred his coffee, taking his time answering so as to not seem too anxious.
"I'd like that. If you want." Yoshiki made a small noise of assent.
"Where are you in the city?" Kaoru peered out the window for street signs, and told him. He made another quiet sound. "Can you be at the park around the corner in fifteen minutes?"
"Of course."
"Thank you." There was another small silence, while Kaoru wondered how to respond. After a moment he realised there was only one thing he could say.
"You're welcome."
The sky was grey, imminent of rain, and the weather had started to cool. Summer was ending, being replaced by the gloom and harshness of autumn and winter. Kaoru sat on a park bench, his arm slung over the back and his sunglasses on his face, hoping it wouldn't rain. As he sat he thought, about when he'd finally told Yoshiki how he felt, about how much they had gone through to get to a stable relationship. Fleetingly, of how he had criticised the older man for constantly wearing sunglasses, a habit he had recently acquired. Then his thoughts drifted to the more recent events, and he wondered why Yoshiki had decided to call him so soon. For the third time that minute, he glanced at his watch. Still fourteen minutes. It was a bit odd that Yoshiki was on time, or even potentially late; he was nearly always frustratingly early. That habit had spoiled a number of Kaoru's attempts at a romantic surprise, until he had learned to have everything ready at least an hour early. He smiled a little at the thought. Suddenly he was shaken from his trance as soft footsteps crunched toward him, and someone sat on the other end of the bench. Kaoru didn't even have to look, he could smell the man's cologne and was still so used to his presence. They were silent for awhile, as the clouds drifted over the sun intermittently. Then Yoshiki shifted.
"I didn't want to talk on the phone," he said. Kaoru nodded, turning to him finally. He was staring at his hands, which were fidgeting in his lap like a pair of puppies. It made Kaoru smile, and he shivered a little. He had missed the man more than ever, fearing he'd never see him again. It took a lot of effort to not embrace him.
"I understand." Yoshiki pursed his lips and nodded a little. Kaoru suddenly had a horrible feeling settle in the pit of his stomach. He'd expected Yoshiki to be nervous, but there was something wrong, something he hadn't expected. He turned to him, and his hair fell across his face elegantly. He was wearing sunglasses, too, so Kaoru didn't see him roll his eyes. A tiny smile crept onto his face as he realised the irony of the situation.
"Can you take off your sunglasses, please?" he asked, and as Kaoru moved instantly to do so he mirrored him. Yoshiki folded his neatly in his lap and turned back to look Kaoru in the eye. "That's much better." He sighed slowly, and Kaoru tried to ignore the unsettling feeling. "I've done a lot of thinking in the past few weeks. You wouldn't believe," he said, then shook his head. "No, I imagine you would." He closed his eyes for a moment to stop himself from rambling, avoiding the subject, and went straight to the heart of the thing. "What matters is that I trust you. I trust you more than anyone. And you betrayed that trust." Kaoru's eyes fell a little, but Yoshiki's stayed fixed. "I want to have it back," Yoshiki said after a moment, his voice much softer. "For better or worse, I love you, and even though you hurt me I can't help but forgive you. I want to be able to trust you again, Kaoru, because there can't be anything if we don't trust each other." Kaoru nodded. "And I want to hear you apologise," he added suddenly, his voice a little harsher. "That was one thing you never did." Kaoru looked back up at him, his eyes filled with sincerity and a near desperate hope.
"I am so sorry," he said. "I can't believe you're willing to forgive me, because I haven't even forgiven myself yet - but I am infinitely grateful." He bowed his head humbly. "I don't deserve it. I'm so sorry..." Yoshiki watched him, and his face melted into an expression of tired sorrow.
"Thank you," he said after a long silence. Kaoru kept his head bowed. Yoshiki sighed again, and fiddled with his sunglasses. "It might take a while - and honestly, I hope it does, because you're going to have to earn that trust back - but...I don't want this to end." Kaoru raised his head a little so he could meet Yoshiki's eyes. He couldn't believe he'd heard the man correctly. A part of his heart he'd denied and hid away seemed to peek its head out cautiously to test the air. Was it really safe? Was he getting another chance? He didn't even feel he deserved one. He'd expected Yoshiki to walk away as fast as he could, and every step would have been justified. But here he was, sitting on a park bench staring at Kaoru almost kindly. But there was a sternness to his gaze, as well. As forgiving as angels were, they were hard to appease. They had seen to much.
"Thank you," Kaoru said softly. It seemed somehow odd, that he was the one saying it instead of the other. But he finally understood the way he meant it so often. He was being given another chance at life, at happiness. Kaoru himself had been that for Yoshiki, and he had stolen that from him. His heart ached, and he felt more guilty than ever. Yoshiki nodded. "I love you," Kaoru said, his very voice wondering if he was allowed to say the simple, perfect phrase again. A small smile curved Yoshiki's lips, softening his eyes.
"I love you, too."
After pressing the send button he brought the phone back to his ear and apologised. Yoshiki laughed softly. It was from Die. He punched in an answer as fast as he could.
Author: Ame
Theme: #1 - Accident
Rating: PG
Genre: angst, yaoi, romance
Pairing: KaoruxYoshiki
Band(s): Dir en grey/S.K.I.N, X Japan, etc.
Summary: After a seemingly meaningless fight, Kaoru admits to a number of potentially relationship-fatal mistakes.
Disclaimer: Yes. Don't own them. *shakes fist* I'll get you someday!!
Comments: Thank you so much everyone who has left me all these wonderful comments :) I really, really appreciate it. It's always nice to know someone enjoys reading the things you write.
Yes, so...the second part. Kaoru actually had some good reasons to go off, even though he was being really immature about it. Sometimes it just happens that way. Sorry it took so long, been writing on other things...but anyway, here it is!
As they walked back inside, Yoshiki let go of Kaoru, and the younger man trailed after him, his hands buried deep in his pockets and his hair slung into his face self-consciously. It took a few moments for him to catch up with Yoshiki, and he shut the door behind them as Kaoru slunk over to the bed and sat slowly. Sighing, Yoshiki went over to sit with him. His eyes were down still, and with a little smile Yoshiki turned his chin up and brushed the hair from his face. Upset as he was, he was still so handsome.
"Now," he said softly, the smile drifting off his face. "Tell me what's bothering you." Kaoru blinked at him for a long time, then looked away.
"I-" he began, weakly, then dropped off completely. Yoshiki closed his eyes for a moment, collecting himself so as to not go off on him.
"Would it help if I asked you to start from the beginning?" he asked, his voice tinted with exasperation. Kaoru glanced back up at him briefly, then nodded a little. There was a silence, and Yoshiki settled back, waiting patiently. The air was tense, and he fought not to play with his hands, one of his nervous tics which he knew would make Kaoru even more nervous himself. Instead he settled for chewing inconspicuously on his lower lip. Kaoru drew in a slow, deep breath.
"A few months ago, when we were in America - the band, I mean - we were at a party..." His voice was halting, and he hesitated in his speech to sigh and close his eyes for a moment. "We were all so drunk, even Kyo, and he doesn't get smashed as often as any of us. It was late when we finally went back to the hotel, and we were all so drunk we barely made it into our rooms. I..." He paused again, and Yoshiki shifted a little, urging him on silently. "I was...changing...in my room...when the door opened. I was a little startled, but I was too drunk to really care. I didn't even see who it was, because I hadn't bothered to turn the light on. But he closed the door behind him and all of a sudden he was...kissing me." Another pause, and Yoshiki stopped chewing on his lip. He felt something tighten in his chest and his entire body go suddenly cold, but he made no sound. "I pushed him away..at f-first." Kaoru was struggling with his words now, and was starting to tremble bodily. "But...but he didn't stop. H-he just came at me again, and this time he...he started touching me, and I was - gods, that's not an excuse...! I didn't even think, I was so fucking drunk and tired." He took a deep, shuddering breath, attempting to calm himself. "I don't remember most of what happened..." he said softly after a moment, "I j-just know it did." His trembling had increased a good deal, and he was staring fixedly at the sheets between them, his eyes full of confusion and desperation. Yoshiki's hand twitched of its own accord, and he cleared his throat, fighting back the rage that was building up inside him.
"Who-?" was all he managed to whisper out, as his hand clutched at the bed sheets. Kaoru cringed slightly at his voice.
"K-Kyo." Yoshiki shut his eyes, letting go of the sheets and clenching his jaw. As hard as he tried, he couldn't seem to make his mind work. He took a few slow, deep breaths, but it didn't help much. Kaoru whimpered something softly, barely audible, but Yoshiki wasn't listening.
"It...wasn't...it was the drink," he said softly, halfway between a question and a statement. Kaoru didn't answer him for a long moment.
"Yes...b-but..." He fell silent again, and Yoshiki gulped. He took a deep breath and barely managed his next question, fighting it out through clenched teeth.
"But?"
"It happened again," Kaoru said, his voice noticeably less shaky but much darker, filled with a deep note of sorrow. He had resigned himself to his fate: he'd gotten this far, there was no going back. He'd tried to make it easy, just push the man away, but he couldn't. Then again, he'd said he couldn't do a lot of things, and ended up doing them anyway. "During the last tour. We weren't drunk that time." There was another silence, during which Yoshiki tried for the last time to control his anger and failed. He snapped.
"And how long, Kaoru?" he asked, his voice quiet and laced with venom. He turned to him slowly, his eyes filled with rage and sorrow. "How long did you hesitate? Did you even bother!" His voice was rising, and Kaoru shrank back a little. "For that matter, how long were you planning on keeping this from me? Fuck!" He jumped to his feet, his back to the man, and began to scream. "Why? Why, Kaoru!"
"Because you weren't there!" Kaoru retorted, the tears he had been fighting back finally spilling forth and cracking his voice. "You were never there! That's why! You are never there!" He rose and went to the man's side, and Yoshiki closed his eyes again, his fists clenching at his sides. "You may be perfectly content with a relationship across the phone, across an entire ocean, but that's just not cutting it for me!" He began to pace, from one side of the room to the other, in quick, sharp strides. "You can call it my youth if you want, say it's my dick talking and I need to learn to control myself, that I'm fucking immature. And you know what? You'd probably be right. I know you'd be right!" He stopped right in front of Yoshiki, his voice lowering a little. "You're always right." Yoshiki's mouth fell open slowly, and he blinked a few times. He shivered.
"Stop it," he whispered. "Please..." A small, barely audible whine escaped his lips, and Kaoru felt the tears coming again. This was what he was afraid of; the terrible alternative to tears. Angels don't cry with tears, they cry with their very souls. Yoshiki's eyes darted around, as his mind raced to catch up to his heart. He shook his head a little, no longer able to form words to express his thoughts. Kaoru started trembling again.
"I tried, Yoshiki," he managed. A plea, or an apology. "I tried..." Yoshiki's eyes stopped moving, fell upon the floor and glazed over, seeing nothing. Kaoru felt hot tears chasing each other wildly down his flushed face. He was so stupid, so weak, to fall for someone else and to sit here crying over it. No, he hadn't fallen for Kyo. Kyo hadn't fallen for him. It was just sex between friends. He almost scoffed at himself. Friends don't have sex.
Yoshiki's mind started to catch up, and he closed his mouth. He shivered again, feeling his too-tense body start to relax. His wrists and hands hurt like hell, from the forced clenching and unclenching. So did his head. He could feel his heartbeat in every part of his body, as feeling returned to him, and he sighed. He blinked a few times, slowly, registering everything and letting it settle a little, giving himself time to think of something intelligent to say. This was a crucial moment, and through the haze in his mind he knew if everything didn't go right he'd walk out of this hotel and into a solitary life, again.
"What now?" he said, softly. Kaoru looked at him slowly, then shook his head.
"I should leave," he answered, but made no move to do so. Yoshiki was still staring at the ground. He licked his lips, which were extremely dry, and bit his bottom one lightly.
"I think so," he said slowly, and looked back up at him. "I think...one of us should. But...we have to come back." His eyes drifted downward for a moment, but he brought them back up to meet Kaoru's. The younger man scratched his chin self-consciously, then nodded.
"I...I don't want-"
"Neither do I. But this is...it's going to take some time." Kaoru nodded again, his hand falling from his chin and both finding refuge in his pockets. Yoshiki sighed heavily, his gaze drifting once more. "You should go now." His brow furrowed for a moment, and then he nodded. After a moment Kaoru turned and started out the door. "Can I call you?" Yoshiki asked as he reached for the knob. "When I feel like I can talk." Kaoru glanced over his shoulder and nodded.
"I love you," he said softly, then instantly regretted it. Yoshiki cringed at the phrase. He opened his mouth to urge him away again, but the man was already out the door, shutting it quietly behind him. As the door hissed shut, he felt something within him collapse entirely. His heart was pounding in his chest, a coldness settled next to it. Yoshiki fell back onto the hotel bed and, for the first time in over a decade, cried himself to sleep.
Three weeks later Kaoru was walking down to the Tokyo underground when his cell phone rang. Cursing, he ran back up the stairs and answered it quickly.
"Moshi-moshi? Kaoru desu."
"Moshi-moshi, Kaoru." Kaoru's breath caught in his throat.
"...Yoshiki." There was a long pause, and Kaoru took advantage of it to slip into a fairly quiet restaurant. He slunk to the very back and sat himself down quickly. Yoshiki cleared his throat.
"Where are you now?"
"I'm in Tokyo at the moment." He dismissively ordered a random drink from the waitress who had bustled over to him. Yoshiki cleared his throat again, this time softly.
"I see. That's good." Kaoru's cell phone beeped again, and he sighed frustratedly.
"Excuse me for just a second." He took the phone away and pressed a button to read the text.
Hungry?
Bad time. Don't text back.
"Texting?" Kaoru's brow furrowed.
"How-?"
"It beeps when you press buttons." Yoshiki laughed a little more, and Kaoru made a sound of exasperation. "Baka..." he said softly, almost as if he were afraid the jest would be taken seriously. There was another pause, then Kaoru cleared his throat. The waitress brought him what turned out to be a black coffee in a small cup perched on a saucer. He thanked her softly and reached for the sugar. His hands were shaking a little, but he fought rushing the man. Things didn't look good as it was, why make the situation worse? "I'm in Tokyo, too," Yoshiki said finally. "I thought maybe we could meet somewhere and talk." Kaoru stirred his coffee, taking his time answering so as to not seem too anxious.
"I'd like that. If you want." Yoshiki made a small noise of assent.
"Where are you in the city?" Kaoru peered out the window for street signs, and told him. He made another quiet sound. "Can you be at the park around the corner in fifteen minutes?"
"Of course."
"Thank you." There was another small silence, while Kaoru wondered how to respond. After a moment he realised there was only one thing he could say.
"You're welcome."
The sky was grey, imminent of rain, and the weather had started to cool. Summer was ending, being replaced by the gloom and harshness of autumn and winter. Kaoru sat on a park bench, his arm slung over the back and his sunglasses on his face, hoping it wouldn't rain. As he sat he thought, about when he'd finally told Yoshiki how he felt, about how much they had gone through to get to a stable relationship. Fleetingly, of how he had criticised the older man for constantly wearing sunglasses, a habit he had recently acquired. Then his thoughts drifted to the more recent events, and he wondered why Yoshiki had decided to call him so soon. For the third time that minute, he glanced at his watch. Still fourteen minutes. It was a bit odd that Yoshiki was on time, or even potentially late; he was nearly always frustratingly early. That habit had spoiled a number of Kaoru's attempts at a romantic surprise, until he had learned to have everything ready at least an hour early. He smiled a little at the thought. Suddenly he was shaken from his trance as soft footsteps crunched toward him, and someone sat on the other end of the bench. Kaoru didn't even have to look, he could smell the man's cologne and was still so used to his presence. They were silent for awhile, as the clouds drifted over the sun intermittently. Then Yoshiki shifted.
"I didn't want to talk on the phone," he said. Kaoru nodded, turning to him finally. He was staring at his hands, which were fidgeting in his lap like a pair of puppies. It made Kaoru smile, and he shivered a little. He had missed the man more than ever, fearing he'd never see him again. It took a lot of effort to not embrace him.
"I understand." Yoshiki pursed his lips and nodded a little. Kaoru suddenly had a horrible feeling settle in the pit of his stomach. He'd expected Yoshiki to be nervous, but there was something wrong, something he hadn't expected. He turned to him, and his hair fell across his face elegantly. He was wearing sunglasses, too, so Kaoru didn't see him roll his eyes. A tiny smile crept onto his face as he realised the irony of the situation.
"Can you take off your sunglasses, please?" he asked, and as Kaoru moved instantly to do so he mirrored him. Yoshiki folded his neatly in his lap and turned back to look Kaoru in the eye. "That's much better." He sighed slowly, and Kaoru tried to ignore the unsettling feeling. "I've done a lot of thinking in the past few weeks. You wouldn't believe," he said, then shook his head. "No, I imagine you would." He closed his eyes for a moment to stop himself from rambling, avoiding the subject, and went straight to the heart of the thing. "What matters is that I trust you. I trust you more than anyone. And you betrayed that trust." Kaoru's eyes fell a little, but Yoshiki's stayed fixed. "I want to have it back," Yoshiki said after a moment, his voice much softer. "For better or worse, I love you, and even though you hurt me I can't help but forgive you. I want to be able to trust you again, Kaoru, because there can't be anything if we don't trust each other." Kaoru nodded. "And I want to hear you apologise," he added suddenly, his voice a little harsher. "That was one thing you never did." Kaoru looked back up at him, his eyes filled with sincerity and a near desperate hope.
"I am so sorry," he said. "I can't believe you're willing to forgive me, because I haven't even forgiven myself yet - but I am infinitely grateful." He bowed his head humbly. "I don't deserve it. I'm so sorry..." Yoshiki watched him, and his face melted into an expression of tired sorrow.
"Thank you," he said after a long silence. Kaoru kept his head bowed. Yoshiki sighed again, and fiddled with his sunglasses. "It might take a while - and honestly, I hope it does, because you're going to have to earn that trust back - but...I don't want this to end." Kaoru raised his head a little so he could meet Yoshiki's eyes. He couldn't believe he'd heard the man correctly. A part of his heart he'd denied and hid away seemed to peek its head out cautiously to test the air. Was it really safe? Was he getting another chance? He didn't even feel he deserved one. He'd expected Yoshiki to walk away as fast as he could, and every step would have been justified. But here he was, sitting on a park bench staring at Kaoru almost kindly. But there was a sternness to his gaze, as well. As forgiving as angels were, they were hard to appease. They had seen to much.
"Thank you," Kaoru said softly. It seemed somehow odd, that he was the one saying it instead of the other. But he finally understood the way he meant it so often. He was being given another chance at life, at happiness. Kaoru himself had been that for Yoshiki, and he had stolen that from him. His heart ached, and he felt more guilty than ever. Yoshiki nodded. "I love you," Kaoru said, his very voice wondering if he was allowed to say the simple, perfect phrase again. A small smile curved Yoshiki's lips, softening his eyes.
"I love you, too."
After pressing the send button he brought the phone back to his ear and apologised. Yoshiki laughed softly. It was from Die. He punched in an answer as fast as he could.