(no subject)
"The diligent hand will govern,
but the slothful will be enslaved."
- Proverbs 12:24
"If we really want to keep love connected to life, we have to love God first. From this greatest love, all other true love will flow." - Bible guide; pg 1517
"Do not conform yourself to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect." - Romans 12:2
This week has been full of ups:
+ Chantal started off my week by giving me one of her homemade cupcakes.
+ Mario started off my week with one of his hilarious stories about his job.
+ Many new friends: Shandilista (Shan), Curtis ("Kevin"), Corilee, Samantha, Emma, Jackie, Danielle, and Melissa
+ Good conversation with Neng.
+ Gui took me out to lunch, and may continue to do so to help me gain weight.
+ I'm understanding Chemistry.
+ Chem lab is fun and easy.
+ Chilling with Wynton.
+ Many funny times: almost missing the bus, being hyper, trig class, lunches, etc..
+ UM rep. came to my school, and I'm thinking of going there if I get accepted.
Life has been good, but I can't pretend everything is always good. I feel like these days I run away from my problems and pretend that nothing is bothering me, which isn't a good mindset to have. Although God wants me to be happy, I still have things to accomplish for Him.
My week began with the music video "Wake Me Up When September Ends", which brought up the plan to join the national guard, which I had been trying to put into the back of my mind for some time. I ask God for signs, but sometimes it seems like when He gives them to me, I ignore them if they're not in my favor, and I really need to learn to let go of my stubborness. I trust my life in his hands, and I don't think I'm afraid of my own death (I never really have been), so I don't know why I fear that dream. It's just that that plan came so suddenly, and I just never saw myself out in a battlefield - even if I am fighting a different type of battle.
What's really bothering me is my performance in school. I don't know what it is, but I just don't feel like I have the motivation or stamina for school any more. It's really bothering me, because I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential. I feel like I'm slacking really badly - and the worst part is, even though I know all of this, something in me just doesn't care. I try to study, but then I always end up falling asleep before I accomplish anything. I'm so far behind that even when I do get something done, it's stuff everyone else has already done, and I'm still trying to catch up to where everyone else is. I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand - the harder I struggle, the more the work drowns me. It took me hours to read and outline for my music class, but because I didn't study last night - I now feel as if I've failed the quiz I took today. It feels like it was all such a waste of time. Everything I do feels like a waste of time, because I never feel like I'm getting anything done.
Two nights ago I stayed up until 4:30 AM studying, and reading, and doing work. Yesterday I fell asleep at 5:30 PM, and woke up the next morning, so a whole night was wasted because I tried to make up for my slack. Instead I fell behind even more.
I've prayed to God so many times to help me: help me wake up earlier, help me have a stronger self-control, help me get my motivation back, Lord.. help me, help me, help me. And then it dawned on me - I HAVE TO HELP MYSELF. He can't do the work for me. He can't be my wake up call. There were plenty of times I woke up throughout yesterday night, and I knew I had to do work, I knew it was 10:00 PM, and then 12:00 AM, and then 3:30 AM, but I CHOSE to stay in bed and fall back asleep. The slacking, procrastination, etc etc.. they were MY decisions. I have nobody to blame but myself.
I also feel like I've kind of grown away from God, which I don't understand. A part of me isn't accepting Him, and I don't know why. I think it's my mind though. All my life I've always said in my prayers "I love You with all my heart, and all my soul.." then all of a sudden I found that saying in the Bible, which REALLY took me by surprise (I've been praying that phrase ever since I was little, and I don't think I got it from the Bible), but in the Bible the verse goes "Love the Lord with all your heart, and all your soul, and all your MIND". I think my mind is resisting, because all my life I've had my own mind, and I've never let anyone tell me what to think. However, God isn't just anyone. It's time for me to surrender all of me, and not just a part of me. It's going to take time though. I know God understands.