Only snark can soothe the pain, and I'm not even religious.
The Furry Bible
It's the Holy Bible, but rewritten as self-insertion furry slash fiction!
I think my icon says it all. You have no idea, my dears, no idea at all.
My name is Jamie, and I'm a horny Oryx.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Horny goat. Ha.
I was wondering around the Garden of Eden one bright and beautiful morning.
Wondering why anyone would read this for non-snark purposes, as evidenced by the review.
I looked around at all the other beautiful animals, seeing a sexy young Impala who made my Oryx balls fill with a hot, steamy desire to discharge.
Discharge. Sexy. It just screams...yeast infection.
There he is! Oh Adam, my love. Look at your big powerful shoulders... your long distinguished snout and your enormous, slurping tongue! You are truly the most dignified creature in the entire garden. All creatures great and small bow down to you. You and your rippled, muscular legs!
Here it is! Oh, badfic, my love. Look at your purple prose, your disturbing premise and icky, terrible word choice. You are the saddest creature in the entire Interwebs. All other forms of literature inch away from you grimacingly. You, and your terrible attempt at entertainment!
I watch your tongue caress her long furry snout, orange hairs collecting in the saliva on your tongue. Why is it you love that conniving, devious temptress when I would be forever yours?
...Well, goats smell kinda funky. Also, you're kind of a freak.
You're kissing. Your massive stallion tongue is filling her snout, bulging out from under her fangs. She's so tiny compared to you! I've got to do something... I can't let this continue.
Yes, end it! Right here. Please.
"Piss off, ya fuckin' wanker!" screams Adam, kicking me in the face with his rear hoof. I go tumbling down the path. As the pain sets in while blood begins trickling down freshly opened wounds, I can't help but feel aroused.
Why is it that the only thing that bothers me more in this part than the goat being horny is the horse being English?
Noticing that Adam was now consumed by his passionate lovemaking session with Eve, I mount him as best I can, stressing my forelimbs as hard as possible to get as high as I possibly can. I begin rubbing my erect cock on Adam's body, repeatedly catching the flap of skin between his rear leg and the rest of his body, and feeling the lovely tingling sensation of my dickhead caressing his soft fur. As I thrust a few more times I feel my erect cock briefly touch his.
Gee, a goat trying to hump him without his permission, when just saying hello got the goat kicked in the face. I wonder how this will go?
"Wot the fuck did ya have to go and do that for then eh?" he asks, taking a hoof across my face and opening up a long bloody gash. He briefly relents, apparently waiting for an answer. I sit there quietly as the blood accumulates, dripping down the side of my mouth. As a droplet slips across my lips, I start licking it up with my tongue. Mmm... my own blood.
A humping, anthropomophic vampire goat. In the Garden of Eden. Yeah. Adam sounds kinda Scottish now. Like a Scottish pirate.
"What can I say, Adam?" I begin, pausing to lick up a bit more of my blood. "My cock's not going to blow its load until I hump you silly"
No means no, Mr. Goat.
Adam snorts loudly, turning around to jam his ass into my face. As he lifts his tail up I catch sight of his big bulging testicles and long, erect dick. However, I can't pay attention to them that long as soon as soon my entire body is covered with shit... Adam's shit. As I begin panicking at the pungent odor and the realization that I'm covered with shit, I feel two hooves slam into my body, one in my face and one in my chest. The force is enough to completely knock the wind out of me while simultaneously dazing me, and I quickly slip into unconsciousness.
...Can I slip into unconsciousness? But sans the being shit on part?
I wake up with the stinging pain of shit smeared all over my festering sores. Note to self: cease further advances on Adam.
Gee, good safety tip, Egon.
I may as well just lie here covered in shit and die.
Yes! For the love of God, let it end!
"Fuck off, you skanky little trollop," I groan.
Look, mate. You're a kinky, shit-covered, anthropomorphic vampire goat who won't take no for an answer. I wouldn't be turning away friends if I were you.
My only consolation is she looks ridiculous covered in shit. Shit she rubbed off of me. Fuck, I must look ridiculous covered in shit too.
No shit. (Ha, see, I can make lame jokes, too!)
"Umm, no?" I respond. It always worked for Beavis and Butthead, right?
*facepalm* I have no words. Seriously. I tried like six jokes and I couldn't finish any of them. >.> Let's just move on.
"Apparently ya missed my message the first time. It seems like ya got a wee bit of learning ta do still"
And so the Scottish pirate anthropomorphized horse decided to assrape the shit-covered vampire anthropomorphized goat as punishment.
God, of all the weirdass shit I've written in my life.
I feel Adam slip his hot, engorged phallus into my asshole. Instant ecstasy shoots throughout my body, numbing my painful shit covered sores. He begins pumping harder and harder. I feel my sphincter and colon stretching in a pleasurably stinging manner. His dick rubs repeatedly against my prostate, and I feel fluid beginning to leak out of my cock.
He's leaking! Ye gods! SOMEBODY GRAB SOME DUCT TAPE OR BONDO OR SOMETHING!
"And let that be a lesson to ya!" he shouts, running off into the garden.
Yeah! That'll show 'im!
"Look at them... how pathetic" she says, nuzzling her snout against my underside so as to expose my balls. "How would you feel if I chewed them off"
Probably bad, but then again, he did get off on Adam beating the shit out of him, so who knows?
"E-vil?" she asks. "What is e-vil"
Being subjected to this fic. I'm pretty sure that's evil.
"Why, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil!" I say. "It's right next to you. See, eat some fruit, and all will become clear"
I'm not a theologian, but I don't think this is quite how this conversation went...
Eve rears up onto her hind legs and snags a low-hanging apple. After munching on it for a bit, her eyes fill with a scary passion. She spontaneously drops the apple out of her mouth and snaps her jaws around my balls. The pain of her fangs slicing through my testicles completely overwhelms all other senses in my body as my hearing ceases and my vision goes bright white. The only sensation left in my body is the feeling of my dick going rock hard.
The pain of the sporks slicing through my eyes completely overwhelms all other senses in my body, releasing me from the greater agony of reading this fic.
I sit in utter agony for a few moments before the pain once again overtakes me and I pass out yet again.
YOU LIKED IT OR YOU DIDN'T, MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND.
"God showed up," said the Impala. "You know, the lion guy.
I don't even like organized religion The Chronicles of Narnia, but God Jesus Aslan does not deserve this.
He said Adam and Eve were forbidden to eat apples cause they're evil. And that some agent of evil gave Eve an apple and well, things fell apart from there. Rumor has it that it was some snake. We're all gonna form a brute squad later and beat the shit out of that fucking snake"
You ARE the Brute Squad!
"YOU IDIOTS!" shouted Eve. "It wasn't the snake! It was that fucking shit covered Oryx over there"
Wonder how THAT detail didn't make it into the Bible...
The absolute terror of fearing for my life is suddenly assuaged as I feel a rhino's cock slide up my ass. The tiger sticks his dick in my mouth, and the ocelot climbs under me and starts sucking on my balls. The Impala starts sucking on my cock.
If an orgy is the new form of capital punishment, maybe I should look into that killing spree I've always wanted to do... Unless it involves rhino cock. That...that's a whole new world of Do Not Want.
It's the Holy Bible, but rewritten as self-insertion furry slash fiction!
I think my icon says it all. You have no idea, my dears, no idea at all.
My name is Jamie, and I'm a horny Oryx.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Horny goat. Ha.
I was wondering around the Garden of Eden one bright and beautiful morning.
Wondering why anyone would read this for non-snark purposes, as evidenced by the review.
I looked around at all the other beautiful animals, seeing a sexy young Impala who made my Oryx balls fill with a hot, steamy desire to discharge.
Discharge. Sexy. It just screams...yeast infection.
There he is! Oh Adam, my love. Look at your big powerful shoulders... your long distinguished snout and your enormous, slurping tongue! You are truly the most dignified creature in the entire garden. All creatures great and small bow down to you. You and your rippled, muscular legs!
Here it is! Oh, badfic, my love. Look at your purple prose, your disturbing premise and icky, terrible word choice. You are the saddest creature in the entire Interwebs. All other forms of literature inch away from you grimacingly. You, and your terrible attempt at entertainment!
I watch your tongue caress her long furry snout, orange hairs collecting in the saliva on your tongue. Why is it you love that conniving, devious temptress when I would be forever yours?
...Well, goats smell kinda funky. Also, you're kind of a freak.
You're kissing. Your massive stallion tongue is filling her snout, bulging out from under her fangs. She's so tiny compared to you! I've got to do something... I can't let this continue.
Yes, end it! Right here. Please.
"Piss off, ya fuckin' wanker!" screams Adam, kicking me in the face with his rear hoof. I go tumbling down the path. As the pain sets in while blood begins trickling down freshly opened wounds, I can't help but feel aroused.
Why is it that the only thing that bothers me more in this part than the goat being horny is the horse being English?
Noticing that Adam was now consumed by his passionate lovemaking session with Eve, I mount him as best I can, stressing my forelimbs as hard as possible to get as high as I possibly can. I begin rubbing my erect cock on Adam's body, repeatedly catching the flap of skin between his rear leg and the rest of his body, and feeling the lovely tingling sensation of my dickhead caressing his soft fur. As I thrust a few more times I feel my erect cock briefly touch his.
Gee, a goat trying to hump him without his permission, when just saying hello got the goat kicked in the face. I wonder how this will go?
"Wot the fuck did ya have to go and do that for then eh?" he asks, taking a hoof across my face and opening up a long bloody gash. He briefly relents, apparently waiting for an answer. I sit there quietly as the blood accumulates, dripping down the side of my mouth. As a droplet slips across my lips, I start licking it up with my tongue. Mmm... my own blood.
A humping, anthropomophic vampire goat. In the Garden of Eden. Yeah. Adam sounds kinda Scottish now. Like a Scottish pirate.
"What can I say, Adam?" I begin, pausing to lick up a bit more of my blood. "My cock's not going to blow its load until I hump you silly"
No means no, Mr. Goat.
Adam snorts loudly, turning around to jam his ass into my face. As he lifts his tail up I catch sight of his big bulging testicles and long, erect dick. However, I can't pay attention to them that long as soon as soon my entire body is covered with shit... Adam's shit. As I begin panicking at the pungent odor and the realization that I'm covered with shit, I feel two hooves slam into my body, one in my face and one in my chest. The force is enough to completely knock the wind out of me while simultaneously dazing me, and I quickly slip into unconsciousness.
...Can I slip into unconsciousness? But sans the being shit on part?
I wake up with the stinging pain of shit smeared all over my festering sores. Note to self: cease further advances on Adam.
Gee, good safety tip, Egon.
I may as well just lie here covered in shit and die.
Yes! For the love of God, let it end!
"Fuck off, you skanky little trollop," I groan.
Look, mate. You're a kinky, shit-covered, anthropomorphic vampire goat who won't take no for an answer. I wouldn't be turning away friends if I were you.
My only consolation is she looks ridiculous covered in shit. Shit she rubbed off of me. Fuck, I must look ridiculous covered in shit too.
No shit. (Ha, see, I can make lame jokes, too!)
"Umm, no?" I respond. It always worked for Beavis and Butthead, right?
*facepalm* I have no words. Seriously. I tried like six jokes and I couldn't finish any of them. >.> Let's just move on.
"Apparently ya missed my message the first time. It seems like ya got a wee bit of learning ta do still"
And so the Scottish pirate anthropomorphized horse decided to assrape the shit-covered vampire anthropomorphized goat as punishment.
God, of all the weirdass shit I've written in my life.
I feel Adam slip his hot, engorged phallus into my asshole. Instant ecstasy shoots throughout my body, numbing my painful shit covered sores. He begins pumping harder and harder. I feel my sphincter and colon stretching in a pleasurably stinging manner. His dick rubs repeatedly against my prostate, and I feel fluid beginning to leak out of my cock.
He's leaking! Ye gods! SOMEBODY GRAB SOME DUCT TAPE OR BONDO OR SOMETHING!
"And let that be a lesson to ya!" he shouts, running off into the garden.
Yeah! That'll show 'im!
"Look at them... how pathetic" she says, nuzzling her snout against my underside so as to expose my balls. "How would you feel if I chewed them off"
Probably bad, but then again, he did get off on Adam beating the shit out of him, so who knows?
"E-vil?" she asks. "What is e-vil"
Being subjected to this fic. I'm pretty sure that's evil.
"Why, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil!" I say. "It's right next to you. See, eat some fruit, and all will become clear"
I'm not a theologian, but I don't think this is quite how this conversation went...
Eve rears up onto her hind legs and snags a low-hanging apple. After munching on it for a bit, her eyes fill with a scary passion. She spontaneously drops the apple out of her mouth and snaps her jaws around my balls. The pain of her fangs slicing through my testicles completely overwhelms all other senses in my body as my hearing ceases and my vision goes bright white. The only sensation left in my body is the feeling of my dick going rock hard.
The pain of the sporks slicing through my eyes completely overwhelms all other senses in my body, releasing me from the greater agony of reading this fic.
I sit in utter agony for a few moments before the pain once again overtakes me and I pass out yet again.
YOU LIKED IT OR YOU DIDN'T, MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND.
"God showed up," said the Impala. "You know, the lion guy.
I don't even like organized religion The Chronicles of Narnia, but God Jesus Aslan does not deserve this.
He said Adam and Eve were forbidden to eat apples cause they're evil. And that some agent of evil gave Eve an apple and well, things fell apart from there. Rumor has it that it was some snake. We're all gonna form a brute squad later and beat the shit out of that fucking snake"
You ARE the Brute Squad!
"YOU IDIOTS!" shouted Eve. "It wasn't the snake! It was that fucking shit covered Oryx over there"
Wonder how THAT detail didn't make it into the Bible...
The absolute terror of fearing for my life is suddenly assuaged as I feel a rhino's cock slide up my ass. The tiger sticks his dick in my mouth, and the ocelot climbs under me and starts sucking on my balls. The Impala starts sucking on my cock.
If an orgy is the new form of capital punishment, maybe I should look into that killing spree I've always wanted to do... Unless it involves rhino cock. That...that's a whole new world of Do Not Want.