hMm..how about fuck you?! ;o)
alright so yeah..this is one of those entries that i come here for every once in a while to just yell about stupid people and how my lifes fuckin gay as anything sometimes. =]
mmkay? dont like it? DONT READ IT FUCKER.
p.s. im especially doing this for kristina because she just loves reading my journal entries where im pissed at the world.
anyways..
first off..let me just say..
GROWING UP SUCKS.
im sure as most of you people reading this know..my boyfriend is going away to college this coming wednesday. you know, 6 days from now..yes. so as i sit here and write this lovely journal entry to you..im balling my eyes out, because basically, i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i really feel so alone and so hurt and it just sucks that i cant even go one day recently without crying. after all, he is the best thing thats ever happened to me and im sure hes prob not gunna read this so im not really scared of him feeling sorry for what im going through even though he prob knows already. this morning, when he had to go home after our sleepover, me jen and alicia sat and cried our eyes out. i really cant do this. i really, honestly, cant. it hurts to much to know that soon, i cant call him and im gunna have to find things to do to occupy my time. i know i need to write him letters but its like hes not even gone yet and im already falling apart. and recently, idk if its just me..but hes been like really busy and so i have to find things to do to make me not think about him. i get frustrated sometimes when i cant talk to him for like a day and i sit here and say to myself "mother fucker! hes leaving soon! he should be fucking hanging out with me..not having a life" and i know thats really selfish, but i just miss him so much already and i guess its just me thinking about him leaving and me thinking about whats gunna go down when he actually leaves and realizing that its so hard for me to stay strong. he knows im not gunna make it, but yet he sits there and has the nerve to say to me "youll be fine..youre so strong" bull shit im strong. he knows prob better than anyone that im soo weak and that i cant take any drama or problems in relationships or i just break down and wanna die. i know he tries to comfort me when i cry to him but BE REALISTIC HERE. dont sit here and lie to me. i mean this is definitly not a rant about my boyfriend and how i dont like how he does certain things because thats not it at all...i love him, soooooooo much. hes beyond amazing and i love the things he does for me..but its just that this is for everyone. friends try to comfort me and dont get me wrong, i appreciate it more than you could understand...but its just that i cant take the fact that people know how weak i am and still try to convince me otherwise and i hate it. i know i cant do it, so why lie to me and tell me that i can..ya know? idk..im just so in love with him and i dont want him to go at all. it seems like its been wayy to fast that this all to happen. theres so much that i wanna say..but i cant even find the words to even hint to him how im really feeling. i try but it just gets to the point where i just cry before i can get the words out. call me a baby, i dont give a fucking shit..but tell me that when youre in love, you could just let your best friend, boyfriend, and just all around amazing person just turn around and walk away knowing that you cant talk to him or see him half as much as you see him now and tell me youre gunna be perfectly fine with that. i hate when people sit here and tell me that everythings okay and that they dont understand why im taking it the way i am or that i should just break up with him to get it over with. its not that easy at all. "break it off before it gets worse.." do you honesly think i can do that?! im so far in right now that would prob kill me more than not seeing him as much. people dont know how im feeling at all. yeah it may be the smarter thing to do but wtf would you do in this situation? I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. do you not understand? I LOVE ROBERT LEO RYERSON. I WANT TO MARRY HIM. whats there not to understand? ugh..i miss him so much already..hes getting outta gym in twenty minutes guyyyssss =] but okAY! back to the point! i dont know what to do with myself anymore..
now, another problem i have..a little newsflash here, dont come to me and tell me "oh my life sucks, oh he doesnt like me blah blah blahhhh" and then go make a jackass outta yourself. and then to top it off..BE A DICK TO ME IN FRONT OF HIM..when you know im his like ABSOLUTE best friend. that makes NO sense to me. oy vey. i dont help people anymore bc honestly, i get fucked up the butt everytime i try to and its really not worth it.
next problem..so everyone knows my parents are divorced..what do you do when your one parent is totally jealous of your relationship with your other parent and makes it KNOWN. like i mean, i try to chill with both of them equally but its just like one of them pisses me the fuck off like no joke..i wanna fucking kick some ass sometimes but supposivly "i dont tell her anything" fuck that shit. thats because i know if i telll her something..she'll freak. at least my dad and step mom are COOL and make it okay for me and let me have SOME trust. it makes me sick to go to my house in rockaway because its like i cant do ANYTHING or else i get in trouble. here i hve so much freedom and its like a total kick in the ass when i go to rockaway. the only reason i continue to live there, is because of all my friends and school bc if i hated the school that much, id be fucking GONE. im sick of that house. dont get me wrong, i love my mom and she can be totally awesome and funny and so much fun to hang out with but she lets her pitiful mistakes that happened to her when she was my age effect me and the way im allowed to do stuff. it drives me insane. whatever..
im done complaining.
got any questions? wanna save me from insanity?
leave me comments and let me know that youre listening and here for me. i really need it.
thanks loves. sorry if i bored all you fuckers. :)
♥
mmkay? dont like it? DONT READ IT FUCKER.
p.s. im especially doing this for kristina because she just loves reading my journal entries where im pissed at the world.
anyways..
first off..let me just say..
GROWING UP SUCKS.
im sure as most of you people reading this know..my boyfriend is going away to college this coming wednesday. you know, 6 days from now..yes. so as i sit here and write this lovely journal entry to you..im balling my eyes out, because basically, i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i really feel so alone and so hurt and it just sucks that i cant even go one day recently without crying. after all, he is the best thing thats ever happened to me and im sure hes prob not gunna read this so im not really scared of him feeling sorry for what im going through even though he prob knows already. this morning, when he had to go home after our sleepover, me jen and alicia sat and cried our eyes out. i really cant do this. i really, honestly, cant. it hurts to much to know that soon, i cant call him and im gunna have to find things to do to occupy my time. i know i need to write him letters but its like hes not even gone yet and im already falling apart. and recently, idk if its just me..but hes been like really busy and so i have to find things to do to make me not think about him. i get frustrated sometimes when i cant talk to him for like a day and i sit here and say to myself "mother fucker! hes leaving soon! he should be fucking hanging out with me..not having a life" and i know thats really selfish, but i just miss him so much already and i guess its just me thinking about him leaving and me thinking about whats gunna go down when he actually leaves and realizing that its so hard for me to stay strong. he knows im not gunna make it, but yet he sits there and has the nerve to say to me "youll be fine..youre so strong" bull shit im strong. he knows prob better than anyone that im soo weak and that i cant take any drama or problems in relationships or i just break down and wanna die. i know he tries to comfort me when i cry to him but BE REALISTIC HERE. dont sit here and lie to me. i mean this is definitly not a rant about my boyfriend and how i dont like how he does certain things because thats not it at all...i love him, soooooooo much. hes beyond amazing and i love the things he does for me..but its just that this is for everyone. friends try to comfort me and dont get me wrong, i appreciate it more than you could understand...but its just that i cant take the fact that people know how weak i am and still try to convince me otherwise and i hate it. i know i cant do it, so why lie to me and tell me that i can..ya know? idk..im just so in love with him and i dont want him to go at all. it seems like its been wayy to fast that this all to happen. theres so much that i wanna say..but i cant even find the words to even hint to him how im really feeling. i try but it just gets to the point where i just cry before i can get the words out. call me a baby, i dont give a fucking shit..but tell me that when youre in love, you could just let your best friend, boyfriend, and just all around amazing person just turn around and walk away knowing that you cant talk to him or see him half as much as you see him now and tell me youre gunna be perfectly fine with that. i hate when people sit here and tell me that everythings okay and that they dont understand why im taking it the way i am or that i should just break up with him to get it over with. its not that easy at all. "break it off before it gets worse.." do you honesly think i can do that?! im so far in right now that would prob kill me more than not seeing him as much. people dont know how im feeling at all. yeah it may be the smarter thing to do but wtf would you do in this situation? I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. do you not understand? I LOVE ROBERT LEO RYERSON. I WANT TO MARRY HIM. whats there not to understand? ugh..i miss him so much already..hes getting outta gym in twenty minutes guyyyssss =] but okAY! back to the point! i dont know what to do with myself anymore..
now, another problem i have..a little newsflash here, dont come to me and tell me "oh my life sucks, oh he doesnt like me blah blah blahhhh" and then go make a jackass outta yourself. and then to top it off..BE A DICK TO ME IN FRONT OF HIM..when you know im his like ABSOLUTE best friend. that makes NO sense to me. oy vey. i dont help people anymore bc honestly, i get fucked up the butt everytime i try to and its really not worth it.
next problem..so everyone knows my parents are divorced..what do you do when your one parent is totally jealous of your relationship with your other parent and makes it KNOWN. like i mean, i try to chill with both of them equally but its just like one of them pisses me the fuck off like no joke..i wanna fucking kick some ass sometimes but supposivly "i dont tell her anything" fuck that shit. thats because i know if i telll her something..she'll freak. at least my dad and step mom are COOL and make it okay for me and let me have SOME trust. it makes me sick to go to my house in rockaway because its like i cant do ANYTHING or else i get in trouble. here i hve so much freedom and its like a total kick in the ass when i go to rockaway. the only reason i continue to live there, is because of all my friends and school bc if i hated the school that much, id be fucking GONE. im sick of that house. dont get me wrong, i love my mom and she can be totally awesome and funny and so much fun to hang out with but she lets her pitiful mistakes that happened to her when she was my age effect me and the way im allowed to do stuff. it drives me insane. whatever..
im done complaining.
got any questions? wanna save me from insanity?
leave me comments and let me know that youre listening and here for me. i really need it.
thanks loves. sorry if i bored all you fuckers. :)
♥