Hopefully the PMS talking
Vegas was fun although it took me a few days to get into the swing of having fun. I was feeling physically yuck, but there was something else going on too. Couldn't quite put my finger on it. After he was done working though we spent hours and hours talking and talking. Felt sooo good. Just getting it all out there.
Well, I sure as hell know what's bothering me right now. Loneliness. When we're together, it's great and my whole world is beautiful. The minute he's gone, I'm in a mess. I feel like this psycho clingy girlfriend which is soooo not who I am. I don't recognize this person. Whether it's rational or not, I keep having these moments of feeling anywhere from slightly neglected to just flat out rejected. I mean, I think he's coming here day after tomorrow, but he didn't call me to let me know what the final plan was. Normally that wouldn't bother me. I mean, I'm sure he probably booked the ticket he had on hold. But a phone call saying "good night honey. i'll see you friday." would have been nice. Little things like that are bothering me more and more.
But big picture, I guess I'm just feeling kinda hopeless. I fear that I'm going to be a part time, second priority girlfriend for the rest of my life because there's no plan to make it otherwise...not even a suggestion of a plan. And that's really starting to weigh me down. I want to be first priority. Or at least right behind his job. Maybe, as the book says, "he's just not that into me." His words say he is, but his actions....not so much right now.
Maybe it's just that I have too much time on my hands right now. I need people around here to hang with who aren't controlling, hysterical maniacs...why do I have such a hard time finding those people? If I could just pack up and move all my online friends to Texas, life would be hunky dory. Then maybe V could finally begin to open up and socialize more with them instead of always being in "work mode" when they're around. Now that would be good. I was hoping for some of that in Vegas. But as usual, we were in desperate need of alone time. See, only 3-4 days a months makes you pretty much chronically in need of alone time. for fuck's sake, this is just ridiculous. I don't want to make much of a life for myself here in Texas because at any given moment, I'm ready to pack up and move to Chicago. And yet, I don't want to resent him for "dragging" me there when even he doesn't really need to live there and isn't there all that much because of work. ackkkkk.....i'm obviously not in a problem solving mood. I need to be proactive but I've got to get his buy in. If he doesn't think there's a problem, he ain't likely to endorse any proposed solution.
I've pretty much finished decorating one room in my house. Finally. Having just that one room that feels good to me and makes me smile....it's just gonna get harder and harder to have moving as an option.
Oh and after much internal debate, research and searching (mostly to distract myself from what's really bothering me), I've decided to save up for a Lexus IS300. I was certain that I'd find a car that met my minimum requirements: stick, ABS, side airbags and at least 30 overall mpg. Unfortunately, such a vehicle exists only on paper. You can't really buy a car like that. So fuck it...I can certainly justify a used Lexus since I've kept my POS Geo for 12 years!
woah...major verbal diarrhea. i need a nap. :)
Well, I sure as hell know what's bothering me right now. Loneliness. When we're together, it's great and my whole world is beautiful. The minute he's gone, I'm in a mess. I feel like this psycho clingy girlfriend which is soooo not who I am. I don't recognize this person. Whether it's rational or not, I keep having these moments of feeling anywhere from slightly neglected to just flat out rejected. I mean, I think he's coming here day after tomorrow, but he didn't call me to let me know what the final plan was. Normally that wouldn't bother me. I mean, I'm sure he probably booked the ticket he had on hold. But a phone call saying "good night honey. i'll see you friday." would have been nice. Little things like that are bothering me more and more.
But big picture, I guess I'm just feeling kinda hopeless. I fear that I'm going to be a part time, second priority girlfriend for the rest of my life because there's no plan to make it otherwise...not even a suggestion of a plan. And that's really starting to weigh me down. I want to be first priority. Or at least right behind his job. Maybe, as the book says, "he's just not that into me." His words say he is, but his actions....not so much right now.
Maybe it's just that I have too much time on my hands right now. I need people around here to hang with who aren't controlling, hysterical maniacs...why do I have such a hard time finding those people? If I could just pack up and move all my online friends to Texas, life would be hunky dory. Then maybe V could finally begin to open up and socialize more with them instead of always being in "work mode" when they're around. Now that would be good. I was hoping for some of that in Vegas. But as usual, we were in desperate need of alone time. See, only 3-4 days a months makes you pretty much chronically in need of alone time. for fuck's sake, this is just ridiculous. I don't want to make much of a life for myself here in Texas because at any given moment, I'm ready to pack up and move to Chicago. And yet, I don't want to resent him for "dragging" me there when even he doesn't really need to live there and isn't there all that much because of work. ackkkkk.....i'm obviously not in a problem solving mood. I need to be proactive but I've got to get his buy in. If he doesn't think there's a problem, he ain't likely to endorse any proposed solution.
I've pretty much finished decorating one room in my house. Finally. Having just that one room that feels good to me and makes me smile....it's just gonna get harder and harder to have moving as an option.
Oh and after much internal debate, research and searching (mostly to distract myself from what's really bothering me), I've decided to save up for a Lexus IS300. I was certain that I'd find a car that met my minimum requirements: stick, ABS, side airbags and at least 30 overall mpg. Unfortunately, such a vehicle exists only on paper. You can't really buy a car like that. So fuck it...I can certainly justify a used Lexus since I've kept my POS Geo for 12 years!
woah...major verbal diarrhea. i need a nap. :)