"Well let's take this potted plant to the woods and set it free..."
Taylor Hanson's wife is ready to drop their second love child at any given second. She has no excess baby-weight: she merely looks like a toothpick smuggling a basketball beneath darling maternity-chic ensembles.
Big wanted to "talk things out" with Carrie tonight on Sex & the City, having realized (after reading her newly-published memoirs) the error in his ways and that he'd been treating her like crap. No sex until the drama-infested air had cleared.
...and then when it was clear, they definitely had sex.
And of course the disgustingly-perfect boyfriend of yester-year is gushing AIM-style over his and <3babyguuuuuuuuurlxoxoxoxoxox's one year anniversary. I CERTAINLY DID BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR A LOGICAL REASON.
See, this is what happens when your own life starts to slip away from you...you begin to obsess over those of others. Notably the beautiful, ficticious people of pop culture (and otherwise) who make me feel bad even when I'm not in the Ultimate Slump of My Life.
Okay, okay - not the Ultimate slump...perhaps lower-case ultimate. Or not even. So today was lackluster...pishaw. Things are actually going quite well...I'm just getting end-of-winter restless to the max. I want to get out and go rollerblading again, I want to play at the beach, I want to have my friends home again...more so that I don't feel like the only person confined to this Godforsaken non-city than to all hang out...as I probably wouldn't want to hang out with me either.
...still focusing on the positive...
Anthony-dearest came home from Colorado on Thursday...after a week of male bonding (read: drinking, snowboarding, weeding out, being crass, etc.) and calling me to tell me he missed me every day (read: aww). Seeing him again made me realize how much I really did miss him, and apparently how much I'm really starting to care about him (read: wtf).
Which brings me...however disjointedly...to this evening. He called while I was eating dinner with my mom, which, of course, added this ridiculous amount of unnecessary pressure to my already anxiety-riddled shoulders (as talking on the phone makes my skin crawl) I asked how his day was...and of course, my mother, being the busiest of busy-bodies that she is, not-so-quietly piped in his lines: "And how was your day, Katy?"
...which, fortunately, he immediately asked upon responding to my question.
::Huge sigh of relief::
After the initial two seconds of small-talk, I kicked the phone call into high gear and told him to call me once he'd gotten a chance to change/chill/figure out what he wanted to do for the evening. Anticipating a lecture on phasing out awkwardness and infusing brilliant conversational skills with our tried-and-true favorite mother-daughter game, The Dialogue Challenge, I cringed as I set down the receiver.
"You know, Katy, you sound more natural with him than you do with just about anyone else on the phone."
I stared at her blankly.
"You don't seem fake, you don't seem to feel the pressure to be on...do you feel more natural with him?"
::crickets::
I suppose it does feel pretty natural...I don't feel this insurmountable pressure 24/7 to wow him...and I'm not really sure why that is. With Brian, I constantly had to be alluring, witty, beautiful, intelligent, not a doormat/yet not a bitch...absolutely my perfect self at all times because I knew his attention span was somewhat lacking with me.
...even with my friends - all very intelligent, wonderful kids...but I constantly (especially now) feel the need to be "on" with them so that I'm not whispered about as the "ditz whom everyone pretends to think is smart." Only worded much more eloquently.
...same thing with my professors - I always needed to dazzle them to avoid the negative stigmas I, myself, had decided were looming over my head.
I'm really just a big ball of insecurities.
Anyway. For whatever reason, with Anthony, there are no stigmas: maybe it's because we have no ties - if things don't work out, I have no mutual friends to feel weird around, no stomping grounds to avoid. Woot Fight or Flight (namely Flight) Maybe it's because I don't know what his expectations are of me - or, rather, I feel pretty confident (for now at least...?) that I'm actually meeting them? I guess the latter kind of freaks me out because I know I'm not MV-ing it up to the max...like I know I could be more...everything...but I'm just chillin'.
So if he leaves me, do I call him up, sobbing, and confess that I was only exerting 80-85% of my personality energy, and to please please please give me another chance??
"So does he appreciate your sense of humor like Brian did?"
Snap back to Sue. Egads, Mother - just when I think I'm feeling comfortable, getting used to this, moving on...
I don't know...I mean, yeah, he thinks I'm cute and what-have-you...definitely laughs at me when I scream at The Apprentice failures...but I guess he really does most of the talking? I just kind of let him lead, fill in when I feel like it, don't bang my head against the wall when he's not looking, hoping some wildly-hilarious quips will loosen themselves from the depths of my cranium so that he'll find me utterly irresistable and ::fingers crossed:: call me within the next three months.
Holy crap I am so unbalanced.
...but Brian got that. And found it endearing. At least, he did every blue moon when we were actually together. Anthony, meanwhile, doesn't have any idea what a kook I really am...which is definitely safer...but not entirely fair - to either of us.
Again, I can't just be satisfied with something that is, really and truly, very very nice. I mean geez, he kissed me on the cheeck, in the middle of Wal-Mart's hair dye aisle, as I was contemplating which Starbucks beverage I wanted my hair to look like at 1:30 in the morning...when, truth be told, he really liked my hair the way it was (but it took him twenty minutes of my "No seriously - please just tell me what you like better - I won't be offended. I promise" to get that out of him.) So that's pretty adorable. Maybe he has picked up on/accepted some of my weird idiosyncracies without my even realizing I'd let them slip out.
::sigh::
It's great to have the time to think about all this mindless bullshit.
And now that I've ranted about the inane and nonsensical, I will close with...more of that: WOG apparently got a haircut, and it's pretty disgusting. So, because I'm shallow, I take immense pleasure in that. G'night kids.