(no subject)
I really think there is something wrong. Either with me, or with my relationship with Penndragon. Today, on my way home from the store, I got an urge and went and drove past the house he and 5 of his friends will be living in next year. When I saw it, nothing special, but I just got this feeling of overwhelming anger and hate. Not for him, that was just disappointment, but for the house itself and for HIS friends- Annie, Sarah & Curt, Pavel and some kid named Jason. He originally met Sarah and Annie through me, when we met. They were my residents, although he knew OF Sarah from ROTC. They became good friends, and I've always been a tiny bit jealous of that. Friends come before girlfriends/ boyfriends, I've always said, and it really sucks sometimes. Now, he confides in Sarah and Curt even when he has problems with me, and that, quite simply, pisses me off. I know they're his friends, but they were mine first, and I hate when people do that. It angers me that, given a choice, they'd pick him, and obviously did. Somehow, I think that even had I been able to move off campus, they would not have asked me to move in with them. For some reason, since I found out that they were asking him to move off campus with them, I've just had this feeling of anger and resentment towards Sarah and Curt. When we go by the house, I sneer at it. I don't know why I feel this way. This is not like me. I wonder if I have abandonment issues, or something. This is entirely possible. He asked me if I would spend nights at the house next year with him, like he would spend a couple nights in my apartment. To be perfectly honest, I can't see myself doing it. I would feel like a whore, a little slutty college freshman walking home, doing the Walk of Shame, back to my apartment. If anyone out there knows someone who can talk to me about what could be wrong with this, please get them in contact with me. I don't want to feel like this- upset, sad, angry, or anything. I don't know if I can continue to think of Sarah, Curt, Annie and Pavel as friends. We'll see. I just want to see if this thing with Penndragon can actually work, despite my problem with this stupid house crap.