My three day weekend and the realizations I made throughout it
This weekend was actually really good...the homework load was somewhat smaller, so I had less to try to get done, but then again I am kindda behind in a few classes so I still had things to try and catch up on, just for some reason I felt like there was no pressure to really do anything...for the first time in a while I spent a lot of my weekend sleeping, eating and watching tv...I was so relaxed...it was really nice...
I also spent some time in the neighborhood (my neighborhood), which was defintely interesting...It made me realize how much I've been sheltered these past 4 years (since I came to xrds)...I admit I have always been kindda sheltered but before it defintely wasn't as bad, I was more sheltered from the world I go to school in now...But now I feel like this weekend was somewhat of an eye opener for me...I see that I too have become somewhat more materialistic and money oriented these past few years...I am definetly not even close to being as bad as most of the kids at the school, but still it's shocking to me that I have gotten even this bad...It was nice to finally be hanging around kids I could more relate to, who I kindda felt like I could be myself around...I didn't have to try to talk differently or act or dress differently, because it didn't all that much matter...I mean I have friends at school I feel that comfortable around, but it's taken time to get there and even now it's a struggle because of the environment we are in, but this weekend it was sooo different...I didn't even know any of these kids and I was ok, it didn't much matter, I was still comfortable with them and with the environment...It was so nice to feel that way again...I felt like I could breathe agian...Just that experience was like a breath of fresh air...Now I really wish I had kept in closer touch with the kids I used to go to school with who live in my area...I really want to hang out around my own way more often, it lifted some kind of burden from my shoulders, one that I had kindda forgot was there, because it had gotten so deep I was just thinking about it in my conscience without even really realizing I was thinking about it...In a funny way it made me feel like I was reconnecting to my roots again and I enjoyed that...
This weekend I also came to realize that no matter where I am and how comfortable I may feel in that environment and with those people I am still kind of reserved...and the funny thing is that I was never really like that before xrds either...I was always really open...I mean ya I was quiet at first, but that's because I was kindda shy when I was younger and had gotten used to just being there in crowds and listening, I eventually got out of being shy but the whole listening thing stuck with me, because I realized how much I learned about others just by listening to how they talk and the things they talk about with other people...after about a few weeks tho (only at xrds was it that long and I think even longer), that would all go out the window, no more silence...I'm a pretty loud and crazy person once you get past that...I thought it was just because of the environment, but I've come to see that it is one of three things 1.it was just the environment but I have gotten so used to being that way that even in more comfortable environments I can't shake the habit or 2. the environment was only part of the problem and part of it is just who I am as a person or 3. a combination of the two this is highly likely because I was kindda the same before and it's just gotten seemly worse over the past 4 years, cause I don't ever remember it being this hard to shake before...
The other thing has very little to do with things that happened this weekend, but I just realized it during the weekend...I have kind of been holding on tight (almost clinging for dear life) to this one material possession...not because it is expensive or extremely gorgeous or anything like that, but simply because of what it meant...what it had represented to me... It represented the relationship I had with this person (or wanted to have...used to have)...And holding onto it reminded me of that, tho I didn't have that any more at that point, it made me feel like there was still a chance...It gave me some kind of hope, to get through it...when I thought that there was no way of that relationship ever coming back like I was wanting I still held onto it, just not as much in a visible way...I sort of hid this item out of sight, cause I felt it was over, but deep down there was still that little bit of hope, so I still kept it with me, it was the only thing that kept me from allowing it to hurt too much, that kept me from crying over it...but now I feel like that struggle is over and tho this item still means a lot to me I feel like I don't have to grab it every morning before I walk out the door...I'm ok without it, I feel like now I have the real thing and that is worth so much more...now just looking at that material thing puts a smile on my face that lasts all day long even if the item isn't with me the whole time....
I also spent some time in the neighborhood (my neighborhood), which was defintely interesting...It made me realize how much I've been sheltered these past 4 years (since I came to xrds)...I admit I have always been kindda sheltered but before it defintely wasn't as bad, I was more sheltered from the world I go to school in now...But now I feel like this weekend was somewhat of an eye opener for me...I see that I too have become somewhat more materialistic and money oriented these past few years...I am definetly not even close to being as bad as most of the kids at the school, but still it's shocking to me that I have gotten even this bad...It was nice to finally be hanging around kids I could more relate to, who I kindda felt like I could be myself around...I didn't have to try to talk differently or act or dress differently, because it didn't all that much matter...I mean I have friends at school I feel that comfortable around, but it's taken time to get there and even now it's a struggle because of the environment we are in, but this weekend it was sooo different...I didn't even know any of these kids and I was ok, it didn't much matter, I was still comfortable with them and with the environment...It was so nice to feel that way again...I felt like I could breathe agian...Just that experience was like a breath of fresh air...Now I really wish I had kept in closer touch with the kids I used to go to school with who live in my area...I really want to hang out around my own way more often, it lifted some kind of burden from my shoulders, one that I had kindda forgot was there, because it had gotten so deep I was just thinking about it in my conscience without even really realizing I was thinking about it...In a funny way it made me feel like I was reconnecting to my roots again and I enjoyed that...
This weekend I also came to realize that no matter where I am and how comfortable I may feel in that environment and with those people I am still kind of reserved...and the funny thing is that I was never really like that before xrds either...I was always really open...I mean ya I was quiet at first, but that's because I was kindda shy when I was younger and had gotten used to just being there in crowds and listening, I eventually got out of being shy but the whole listening thing stuck with me, because I realized how much I learned about others just by listening to how they talk and the things they talk about with other people...after about a few weeks tho (only at xrds was it that long and I think even longer), that would all go out the window, no more silence...I'm a pretty loud and crazy person once you get past that...I thought it was just because of the environment, but I've come to see that it is one of three things 1.it was just the environment but I have gotten so used to being that way that even in more comfortable environments I can't shake the habit or 2. the environment was only part of the problem and part of it is just who I am as a person or 3. a combination of the two this is highly likely because I was kindda the same before and it's just gotten seemly worse over the past 4 years, cause I don't ever remember it being this hard to shake before...
The other thing has very little to do with things that happened this weekend, but I just realized it during the weekend...I have kind of been holding on tight (almost clinging for dear life) to this one material possession...not because it is expensive or extremely gorgeous or anything like that, but simply because of what it meant...what it had represented to me... It represented the relationship I had with this person (or wanted to have...used to have)...And holding onto it reminded me of that, tho I didn't have that any more at that point, it made me feel like there was still a chance...It gave me some kind of hope, to get through it...when I thought that there was no way of that relationship ever coming back like I was wanting I still held onto it, just not as much in a visible way...I sort of hid this item out of sight, cause I felt it was over, but deep down there was still that little bit of hope, so I still kept it with me, it was the only thing that kept me from allowing it to hurt too much, that kept me from crying over it...but now I feel like that struggle is over and tho this item still means a lot to me I feel like I don't have to grab it every morning before I walk out the door...I'm ok without it, I feel like now I have the real thing and that is worth so much more...now just looking at that material thing puts a smile on my face that lasts all day long even if the item isn't with me the whole time....