hot topic
Suicide is often a hot topic of mine. I've wasted countless hours and journal pages talking about it and even dedicated a quirky short story to it (told from the perspective of the razor blade to show you just how friggin' pretentious I can get) not that long ago. It's something that's always in the back of your mind. Something that tends to define you. In reality I didn't try to slash wrists (though I did cut one just to see how much it really hurt), but I did try other means of offing myself. All of them half-hearted. But all of them leaving their (mostly visible) marks.
But I don't hate any more. Self-depreciate yes. But hate? No. There are some great people in my life right now. People that, whether they know it or not, have helped me more than any amount of pillow poetry or long windeded online rants ever could. To them I say thank you. Without you. I'd be even crazier than I am now. I still avoid my reflection. I still feel that paranoia and that sadness. I know that only with confidence will I ever find the sort of love that I've been looking for. But in this world of balances, I think I'm giving out more love now than I ever have been in my life.
And it's all because of the people around me allowing me to do so, and to do it without shame or fear.
Phh. Listen to me. Love? Feelings? Caring? I don't know what's gotten into me tonight. It's Precious' fault. Or probably Charles. That magnificent bastard! I think about the time he dropped his pants and tried to smoke a cigarette with his ass. And you blokes thought I was crazy. . .
. . .well I was. . .
You don't wanna know how I picked up his ashes.
But I don't hate any more. Self-depreciate yes. But hate? No. There are some great people in my life right now. People that, whether they know it or not, have helped me more than any amount of pillow poetry or long windeded online rants ever could. To them I say thank you. Without you. I'd be even crazier than I am now. I still avoid my reflection. I still feel that paranoia and that sadness. I know that only with confidence will I ever find the sort of love that I've been looking for. But in this world of balances, I think I'm giving out more love now than I ever have been in my life.
And it's all because of the people around me allowing me to do so, and to do it without shame or fear.
Phh. Listen to me. Love? Feelings? Caring? I don't know what's gotten into me tonight. It's Precious' fault. Or probably Charles. That magnificent bastard! I think about the time he dropped his pants and tried to smoke a cigarette with his ass. And you blokes thought I was crazy. . .
. . .well I was. . .
You don't wanna know how I picked up his ashes.