Letters
"So she asked you if you like the ocean? Be careful saying yes or she'll drag you out there in the middle of the night, trust me. The recent anger in my heart calms when I read how you write about your girlfriend, perhaps I should continue in my seemingly hopeless search for someone to share myself with.
I have been meaning to write you and confess ...
a few weeks ago I was driving to LA with a friend of mine and when I saw the signs for diamond bar I decided to get off the freeway and see the old neighborhood. After driving for forty minutes I broke down, bought a map, and found my way. I drove down the street which hold many fond memories and as approached the end of the street and began to turn around a young man stepped out of his SUV and gasped. I wanted to stop and say hi, but I was afraid of looking like a crazed freak, so I kept driving. I've been kicking myself ever since, I should have stopped and said hi, and no, I'm not stalking you, I'm just a lil weird sometimes, but alas, I didn't. However, the drive is not a long one, and I would like the chance to make it again and catch up over a cup of coffee ... what do you think? "
I think that I owe everyone who took the time to write me in the past couple of weeks coffee.
Ya know it’s been a strange year; one I’ve tried time and time again to define and understand all of the new life lessons that had been presented to me, and from the sounds of things, many of my friends as well. I’ve been blessed with having gone through some of the darkest times for me emotionally and mentally and then having new people come into my life to put what I’ve been through in perspective. I thought I knew heartache until I met a couple who had lost the life of their daughter. Never again will I be able to look at pain in the same light. I thought I knew spirituality until I saw a good friend become "born again" and make a drive to cast out the demons that had plagued him. We may not fully be brothers in Christ, but we fight the same struggle and watching his renewed sense of worth has been an inspiring sight to behold. I thought I knew family until mine rocked at its foundations and threatened to break in two. I thought I knew beauty until I met a young man with eyes that held more vibrance in its depths than any words my mediocre writing abilities could manage. I thought I knew love until I kissed him goodnight.
Now I’ve got to learn what it means all over again.
I apologize to everyone I wrote to and then subsequently didn’t follow up on. With all the positivity that I’m feeling, the underlying negativity was something I needed to take some time off to deal with, and ultimately, it all left me drained. Unfortunately for you, I really do want to keep in touch and know everything that I’ve missed in the past few years. There was one trend in most of the messages back to me that was a little disheartening however. Apparently there are some of you that feel like you are alone and can never really be happy. To this I say:
"Welcome to start."
I’ve written a dozen horribly structured journal writes on the subject of depression. To me it really does define who you are and becomes an almost welcomed blanket to protect you from risk and pain. I don’t pretend to be better now that I am happier than I was before, but it does help me look back and see where things started to turn to shit and what steps I could’ve made, what steps I should’ve made, what steps I did make, and what new troubles may lay ahead because of all those previous choices are. Happiness isn’t a reward for good deeds or an entitlement because of bad times. It’s something that you have to want. You have to want to be happy. I didn’t realize that until I looked at how much time was wasted feeling low and awful and ultimately stupid. I said I wanted to be happy. But truth was I enjoyed the stigma of being a sad puppy of a person. Times have changed. The scars are still there, the paranoia are is still there, and regrettably the anger is still there, but something new and foreign to me has appeared. That thing is confidence. I have confidence that if I want to be happy, if I want to show love instead of anger, and openness instead of closed mindedness, I can try and this time the results will be different because this time I’m not going to give up so easily.
Life sucks. It just does. But why give up now? Live to live. Not just exist. I know I fail (take this ramble of a journal entry for example) but I can now see where I’ve managed to succeed. To my friends that feel they have no where else to go, just know that our minds still work the same. As happy-sappy as Mistery’s suddenly become, the brooding still there. But the next time all you think you can see is dark, take a closer look. You may find light, as tiny and seemingly insignificant upon first glance as it may be, this flicker of energy, this small shine, could erupt into something brilliant and worth the entire trip those dark times took you for. Once you have that light, that confidence, that want, you can always come back to it when life starts to royally suck again.
I have been meaning to write you and confess ...
a few weeks ago I was driving to LA with a friend of mine and when I saw the signs for diamond bar I decided to get off the freeway and see the old neighborhood. After driving for forty minutes I broke down, bought a map, and found my way. I drove down the street which hold many fond memories and as approached the end of the street and began to turn around a young man stepped out of his SUV and gasped. I wanted to stop and say hi, but I was afraid of looking like a crazed freak, so I kept driving. I've been kicking myself ever since, I should have stopped and said hi, and no, I'm not stalking you, I'm just a lil weird sometimes, but alas, I didn't. However, the drive is not a long one, and I would like the chance to make it again and catch up over a cup of coffee ... what do you think? "
I think that I owe everyone who took the time to write me in the past couple of weeks coffee.
Ya know it’s been a strange year; one I’ve tried time and time again to define and understand all of the new life lessons that had been presented to me, and from the sounds of things, many of my friends as well. I’ve been blessed with having gone through some of the darkest times for me emotionally and mentally and then having new people come into my life to put what I’ve been through in perspective. I thought I knew heartache until I met a couple who had lost the life of their daughter. Never again will I be able to look at pain in the same light. I thought I knew spirituality until I saw a good friend become "born again" and make a drive to cast out the demons that had plagued him. We may not fully be brothers in Christ, but we fight the same struggle and watching his renewed sense of worth has been an inspiring sight to behold. I thought I knew family until mine rocked at its foundations and threatened to break in two. I thought I knew beauty until I met a young man with eyes that held more vibrance in its depths than any words my mediocre writing abilities could manage. I thought I knew love until I kissed him goodnight.
Now I’ve got to learn what it means all over again.
I apologize to everyone I wrote to and then subsequently didn’t follow up on. With all the positivity that I’m feeling, the underlying negativity was something I needed to take some time off to deal with, and ultimately, it all left me drained. Unfortunately for you, I really do want to keep in touch and know everything that I’ve missed in the past few years. There was one trend in most of the messages back to me that was a little disheartening however. Apparently there are some of you that feel like you are alone and can never really be happy. To this I say:
"Welcome to start."
I’ve written a dozen horribly structured journal writes on the subject of depression. To me it really does define who you are and becomes an almost welcomed blanket to protect you from risk and pain. I don’t pretend to be better now that I am happier than I was before, but it does help me look back and see where things started to turn to shit and what steps I could’ve made, what steps I should’ve made, what steps I did make, and what new troubles may lay ahead because of all those previous choices are. Happiness isn’t a reward for good deeds or an entitlement because of bad times. It’s something that you have to want. You have to want to be happy. I didn’t realize that until I looked at how much time was wasted feeling low and awful and ultimately stupid. I said I wanted to be happy. But truth was I enjoyed the stigma of being a sad puppy of a person. Times have changed. The scars are still there, the paranoia are is still there, and regrettably the anger is still there, but something new and foreign to me has appeared. That thing is confidence. I have confidence that if I want to be happy, if I want to show love instead of anger, and openness instead of closed mindedness, I can try and this time the results will be different because this time I’m not going to give up so easily.
Life sucks. It just does. But why give up now? Live to live. Not just exist. I know I fail (take this ramble of a journal entry for example) but I can now see where I’ve managed to succeed. To my friends that feel they have no where else to go, just know that our minds still work the same. As happy-sappy as Mistery’s suddenly become, the brooding still there. But the next time all you think you can see is dark, take a closer look. You may find light, as tiny and seemingly insignificant upon first glance as it may be, this flicker of energy, this small shine, could erupt into something brilliant and worth the entire trip those dark times took you for. Once you have that light, that confidence, that want, you can always come back to it when life starts to royally suck again.