(no subject)
i feel like i haven't done a real sit-down-and-just-think-through-my-fingers update. let's see what can be done about that, shall we?
first and foremost on my mind is the matthew situation. it is really really good - it is feeling really perfect to be broken up but still be friends, still talk, still share a lot together. i guess the stres is gone a bit - i don't feel like i have to make him happy all the time, or that he has to make me happy all the time - which is especially good because he definately doesn't make me happy all the time or really even most of it. i enjoy his company, love talking to him, and am pretty happy spending time with him, but this way, since i don't expect him to make me happy constantly, i don't resent it when he doesn't. it's just much more low key and we can enjoy each other again. honestly, the last two weeks have been SO much better for me than maybe the last six months that we dated. and i am getting really good at just enjoying the good and not feeling guilty about what makes me happy, or that iam happy when other people aren't. ultimately my life is for ME and i need to make myself happy first. what has it taken me so long to figure this out????? (and will i just forget again as soon as i find myself in a romantic relationship?)
i miss camp, but not like i thought i would, not like i did last year. there insn't the empty, aching hole that i remember so clearly - just a warm feeling when i think about it. which. makes. me. want. to. get. out. some. memories. so. i. don't. forget. them.
~ben and i drive into town together on a day that we both need to be alone. we end up being alone together and this is good - the most honest i've ever been with ben, learned more than i had ever thought. i cherish this day - the opening up, the safeness of it all.
~andrew and i lie on my bed. we talk about so much - mostly him and anna. i wonder how he really feels about me, but don't want to bring it up. i'm glad that he feels comfortable talking to me about her, finally. it makes me think that what we have is really truly a friendship and not one friend having a crush on the other that could ruin things. when the bell rings for dinner, amelia hopes out of her bed, from behind that strange curtain of hers. andrew and i look at each other sheepishly and the strains of "inappropriate counselor" run through my head.
~gabe and i take the day off together. as usual, i feel apprehensive until we are actually alone together and then i begin to feel amazingly comfortable. we reprise our swim in the potholes but this time i bring enough clothing that i don't have to borrow some. i carry my wet bra and underwear around town as we walk - late that night i also reprise going commando while leading angel wash chapel.
~being human chapel - molly starts sobbing and i go and hold her. she sobs harder, as all of the other girls start to calm down. i can't get her to talk to me, to do anything but cry. when i ask her if she feels safe with me she says no - but she still wants me to stay. everyone else begins to leave and finally i am left by myself - holding this beautiful little girl in a dark chapel while her heart bleeds all over the floor, with nothing to do but listen to her tears. finally we walk back and she chokes out that she needs to talk to her mom. still can't get her to talk to me, just coo to her that we'll be back soon, she can talk to her mom soon. cade says later that he sees me coming back, so much later than everyone else, that his heart melts seeing me with her. i wish i had known that someone was there, watching me, believing me, thinking i was doing the right thing, a good job. i needed that strength. but somehow we make it through, even without outside help. molly calls her mom, then i talk to her mom, and later molly does a one on one check in with me. she becomes in that moment my favorite camper, ever. after camp, on her comment form, she says that being human chapel was her favorite part of camp.
~i visit graceland, jonah is getting ready for field games. i study the objects ont he walls, turn around to ask him a question and is nakid, changing, not looking at me. i couldn't help laughing - THIS is the way that i see jonahs penis?
~sitting in the staff room, chris is playing his guitar. i just listen, think, and start to cry about matthew, baout my life, about feeling lost. and chris keeps playing, watches me, then just hugs me. hugs me for what seems like hours and somehow made everything better. how long has it been since someone else could make everything better like that, that fully, that perfectly? my heart is so full, so in love with him and his love for the world.
~i come in late one night, or katie does? either way, i jump into her bed with her and we giggle and share the secrets that we can't share with anyone else - i cant, anyway. katie is my confidant and it's so good to be friends with a girl again, a girl who i can be so honest with about the silliest of things that i might pretend to not even feel in other circumstances. more honored than i can say that she is sharing with me, too.
~closing chapel, i dance with pamela and for some reason the tears come when they didn't come for anyone else, not yet. i can't even sing, i just cry to her. god, i hope that i become someone like her when i grow up.
~sword ceremony chapel, yoruba is standing in front of me, with the sword, and i am waiting for her to hand it to me, just like she did last year. and instead she looks me in the eye and she asks me where my power is. and i don't know what to say, but suddenly i do and when she gives me the sword, the look that passes between us holds more love than i could ever, ever articulate. knowing that someone who i think so much of can be proud of me? no words.
~heather and i sit at the goddess. i am digging earth and she is cutting up tin foil. chapel means more to me than any other part of camp. planning chapels has always been (at least i have always felt it to be) my most important duty. and here i am sharing that with someone else, someone whose ideas are so intense, so far beyond her years, someone who i am at blown away by and incredibly proud of. the part of me that thinks about chapel, doesn't just participate is a part that i've never shared. but now i have shared it with heather, and again i have no words.
~cabin time, after an intense chapel the night before. katie and i are both exhuasted, we get a brain storm - we send our girls who are loud to sibley and make our cabin a nap cabin. boys from sibley are invited to nap with us but only gabe comes. from nowhere, yoruba shows up and climbs into be with me and we spoon - physical intimacy, even the non sexual kind, like this, just isn't "allowed" in my real life enough. i wrap my arms around her belly and fall asleep. gabe comes in a bit later and spoons me as i spoon yoruba. there we are int his rosa sandwhich and i feel so safe and warm and happy...... i want to sleep forever with these two.
~the dream walk ends. cade and i leave our circle of glowsticks and walk to the fire. we meet people there, we talk, cade and most of the others leave and i find myself left with pippi, jonah, michelle, emma, yasmin, rosa, josh mann, gabe and paolo. somehow jonah is nakkid and then we all get nakkid. why aren't people nakkid more often. we watch the fire and talk, and laugh, and make pictures in the nighttime fields with the hundreds of glow sticks left over. iplay with one until it breaks and somehow the juice gets all over my body and suddenly i am nakkid AND glowing. my underwear my still be in the ballfield......
~gabe sits on the porch on a hot day. i go over and sit on his lap and hug him and we get MAed and the sweat starts to drip down our bodies until the heat is almost unbearable. FINALLY pheebs comes over and tries to climb into my lap and we unfreeze.
~last day of camp. almost all of the campers have left. i'm lying face down on a bench on the porch, napping and trying to pretend that camp is not over. suddenly my feet are being rubbed, and they keep being rubbed for so long - 20 minutes half an hour? i look up when it is done, and cade is there telling me that now my chi is flowing and that things will be good.
~precamp, sitting on a dock at pelham, discovering the world late at night. a man comes out of the house behind us, a very old man, with a flashlight and i jump up and apologize for being on his property. he comes across the road to us, down the dock, and says no, it's ok, he could tell we were just good kids, talking, that he needed to lock up his boat. he bent down next to us, grabbed the lock - and dropped it into the depths of the lake. he laughed at himself and left and we wondered if we should dive in to find it. we never did.... i wonder if it was ever found?
~walking back from chapel, cory was being a bitch so i grabbed his hand and we walked together. out of nowhere, he started telling me about the poetry he wrote - was this the troublemaker i knew so well?
~the dance on the last night of camp - danced as i have never danced before.
~post camp at the kesslers. joe is reading a story aloud to me and paolo and andrew. i am leaning on andrew and paolo is lying on his back on the futon. i crawl over to paolo and lay my head on his chest - and i almost think i am dreaming, because he doesn't get tense, he doesn't push me off - he just puts his arm around me and brushes my hair with his hand. we fall asleep like that and wake up hours later. i feel so much better about going home - just knowing that my little brother really does love me, really does want to be around me and be my friend..... all of life is better when paolo and i are friends. i call him at camp after i come home. we talk for a bit, i ask if he wants to talk to mom, and he says that he wants to talk to me more. he has things to say to me, questions to as me, wants to know if i am doing ok with all of the stress in my life. we talk like friends for the first time in years, rather than like siblings who love each other only because they have to.
and now i have other places to go, other things to be doing. i hope i get to write more about camp sometime soon...... i want to not forget any of it and already i am. i need to preserve as much as i possibly can.
first and foremost on my mind is the matthew situation. it is really really good - it is feeling really perfect to be broken up but still be friends, still talk, still share a lot together. i guess the stres is gone a bit - i don't feel like i have to make him happy all the time, or that he has to make me happy all the time - which is especially good because he definately doesn't make me happy all the time or really even most of it. i enjoy his company, love talking to him, and am pretty happy spending time with him, but this way, since i don't expect him to make me happy constantly, i don't resent it when he doesn't. it's just much more low key and we can enjoy each other again. honestly, the last two weeks have been SO much better for me than maybe the last six months that we dated. and i am getting really good at just enjoying the good and not feeling guilty about what makes me happy, or that iam happy when other people aren't. ultimately my life is for ME and i need to make myself happy first. what has it taken me so long to figure this out????? (and will i just forget again as soon as i find myself in a romantic relationship?)
i miss camp, but not like i thought i would, not like i did last year. there insn't the empty, aching hole that i remember so clearly - just a warm feeling when i think about it. which. makes. me. want. to. get. out. some. memories. so. i. don't. forget. them.
~ben and i drive into town together on a day that we both need to be alone. we end up being alone together and this is good - the most honest i've ever been with ben, learned more than i had ever thought. i cherish this day - the opening up, the safeness of it all.
~andrew and i lie on my bed. we talk about so much - mostly him and anna. i wonder how he really feels about me, but don't want to bring it up. i'm glad that he feels comfortable talking to me about her, finally. it makes me think that what we have is really truly a friendship and not one friend having a crush on the other that could ruin things. when the bell rings for dinner, amelia hopes out of her bed, from behind that strange curtain of hers. andrew and i look at each other sheepishly and the strains of "inappropriate counselor" run through my head.
~gabe and i take the day off together. as usual, i feel apprehensive until we are actually alone together and then i begin to feel amazingly comfortable. we reprise our swim in the potholes but this time i bring enough clothing that i don't have to borrow some. i carry my wet bra and underwear around town as we walk - late that night i also reprise going commando while leading angel wash chapel.
~being human chapel - molly starts sobbing and i go and hold her. she sobs harder, as all of the other girls start to calm down. i can't get her to talk to me, to do anything but cry. when i ask her if she feels safe with me she says no - but she still wants me to stay. everyone else begins to leave and finally i am left by myself - holding this beautiful little girl in a dark chapel while her heart bleeds all over the floor, with nothing to do but listen to her tears. finally we walk back and she chokes out that she needs to talk to her mom. still can't get her to talk to me, just coo to her that we'll be back soon, she can talk to her mom soon. cade says later that he sees me coming back, so much later than everyone else, that his heart melts seeing me with her. i wish i had known that someone was there, watching me, believing me, thinking i was doing the right thing, a good job. i needed that strength. but somehow we make it through, even without outside help. molly calls her mom, then i talk to her mom, and later molly does a one on one check in with me. she becomes in that moment my favorite camper, ever. after camp, on her comment form, she says that being human chapel was her favorite part of camp.
~i visit graceland, jonah is getting ready for field games. i study the objects ont he walls, turn around to ask him a question and is nakid, changing, not looking at me. i couldn't help laughing - THIS is the way that i see jonahs penis?
~sitting in the staff room, chris is playing his guitar. i just listen, think, and start to cry about matthew, baout my life, about feeling lost. and chris keeps playing, watches me, then just hugs me. hugs me for what seems like hours and somehow made everything better. how long has it been since someone else could make everything better like that, that fully, that perfectly? my heart is so full, so in love with him and his love for the world.
~i come in late one night, or katie does? either way, i jump into her bed with her and we giggle and share the secrets that we can't share with anyone else - i cant, anyway. katie is my confidant and it's so good to be friends with a girl again, a girl who i can be so honest with about the silliest of things that i might pretend to not even feel in other circumstances. more honored than i can say that she is sharing with me, too.
~closing chapel, i dance with pamela and for some reason the tears come when they didn't come for anyone else, not yet. i can't even sing, i just cry to her. god, i hope that i become someone like her when i grow up.
~sword ceremony chapel, yoruba is standing in front of me, with the sword, and i am waiting for her to hand it to me, just like she did last year. and instead she looks me in the eye and she asks me where my power is. and i don't know what to say, but suddenly i do and when she gives me the sword, the look that passes between us holds more love than i could ever, ever articulate. knowing that someone who i think so much of can be proud of me? no words.
~heather and i sit at the goddess. i am digging earth and she is cutting up tin foil. chapel means more to me than any other part of camp. planning chapels has always been (at least i have always felt it to be) my most important duty. and here i am sharing that with someone else, someone whose ideas are so intense, so far beyond her years, someone who i am at blown away by and incredibly proud of. the part of me that thinks about chapel, doesn't just participate is a part that i've never shared. but now i have shared it with heather, and again i have no words.
~cabin time, after an intense chapel the night before. katie and i are both exhuasted, we get a brain storm - we send our girls who are loud to sibley and make our cabin a nap cabin. boys from sibley are invited to nap with us but only gabe comes. from nowhere, yoruba shows up and climbs into be with me and we spoon - physical intimacy, even the non sexual kind, like this, just isn't "allowed" in my real life enough. i wrap my arms around her belly and fall asleep. gabe comes in a bit later and spoons me as i spoon yoruba. there we are int his rosa sandwhich and i feel so safe and warm and happy...... i want to sleep forever with these two.
~the dream walk ends. cade and i leave our circle of glowsticks and walk to the fire. we meet people there, we talk, cade and most of the others leave and i find myself left with pippi, jonah, michelle, emma, yasmin, rosa, josh mann, gabe and paolo. somehow jonah is nakkid and then we all get nakkid. why aren't people nakkid more often. we watch the fire and talk, and laugh, and make pictures in the nighttime fields with the hundreds of glow sticks left over. iplay with one until it breaks and somehow the juice gets all over my body and suddenly i am nakkid AND glowing. my underwear my still be in the ballfield......
~gabe sits on the porch on a hot day. i go over and sit on his lap and hug him and we get MAed and the sweat starts to drip down our bodies until the heat is almost unbearable. FINALLY pheebs comes over and tries to climb into my lap and we unfreeze.
~last day of camp. almost all of the campers have left. i'm lying face down on a bench on the porch, napping and trying to pretend that camp is not over. suddenly my feet are being rubbed, and they keep being rubbed for so long - 20 minutes half an hour? i look up when it is done, and cade is there telling me that now my chi is flowing and that things will be good.
~precamp, sitting on a dock at pelham, discovering the world late at night. a man comes out of the house behind us, a very old man, with a flashlight and i jump up and apologize for being on his property. he comes across the road to us, down the dock, and says no, it's ok, he could tell we were just good kids, talking, that he needed to lock up his boat. he bent down next to us, grabbed the lock - and dropped it into the depths of the lake. he laughed at himself and left and we wondered if we should dive in to find it. we never did.... i wonder if it was ever found?
~walking back from chapel, cory was being a bitch so i grabbed his hand and we walked together. out of nowhere, he started telling me about the poetry he wrote - was this the troublemaker i knew so well?
~the dance on the last night of camp - danced as i have never danced before.
~post camp at the kesslers. joe is reading a story aloud to me and paolo and andrew. i am leaning on andrew and paolo is lying on his back on the futon. i crawl over to paolo and lay my head on his chest - and i almost think i am dreaming, because he doesn't get tense, he doesn't push me off - he just puts his arm around me and brushes my hair with his hand. we fall asleep like that and wake up hours later. i feel so much better about going home - just knowing that my little brother really does love me, really does want to be around me and be my friend..... all of life is better when paolo and i are friends. i call him at camp after i come home. we talk for a bit, i ask if he wants to talk to mom, and he says that he wants to talk to me more. he has things to say to me, questions to as me, wants to know if i am doing ok with all of the stress in my life. we talk like friends for the first time in years, rather than like siblings who love each other only because they have to.
and now i have other places to go, other things to be doing. i hope i get to write more about camp sometime soon...... i want to not forget any of it and already i am. i need to preserve as much as i possibly can.