a little help please!
i don't even know where to begin or what to say. I just spent 20 minutes venting to matthew's aol IM's away message, which he'll get in the morning and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. But I needed someone to talk to. I have a lot going on right now, and I'm just really confused about a lot of things. Like I already said, I don’t even know where to begin.
I want to go to college next year. I really want to. I am tired of just wasting my life doing nothing. Tyler’s dad was asking me when I graduated, and I felt like an idiot. Two years ago now... And I still haven’t done anything with my life. He kind of made a joke about my pay per hour and I said “well, it’s not as much as you make, but for not going to college it is okay” and then Ty’s aunt was asking about why I don’t look into becoming a nurse, which I am looking into... But I would want to go to Eastern.
Not just because Tyler is there, though that is a major plus, but because I hate YVCC. Maybe I should just visit Spokane, fill out applications and move there in December. It’s what Tyler and I talked about before, but I don’t know if the offer is still there. I am sick of Yakima, and sick of a lot of stuff here. And another thing, lately I have been wanting to go back to church or cut out all Christians completely. I feel like I am right on the line and need to decide. I think a good thing for me would be completely getting away from family and friends that I have here and spreading me wings to becoming my own person.
I feel like everyone has expectations for me that aren’t my own and I am trying too hard to be what people want and it sucks.
I’ve always maintained that I am my own person and do what I want... But at times I feel fake. I feel like people think too highly of me or to lowly and I feel like I am just bringing myself down right now. I wish some people would just leave me alone...
And for someone who doesn’t care what people think. I am finding that it hurts more and more with all these thoughts people have for me that make me out to be such a bad person. Even my friends. I know I can be a real bitch at times, but I never thought I was that bad. I don’t even know who or what I am anymore. And this is just the beginning of my problems.
I am starting to have feelings for one of my friends, and it is really scary because I adore this friend and never thought of them as a possibility for anything more then “Friend” and now I’m just confused to too many things and the timing sucks because I already have so many things going on and grr. Life just sucks right now... And I need a vacation. And I need to see Matthew and talk to him in person about crap. And well. I just need and want a lot of things.
I am sick of scrapping by month to month hoping I’ll make enough money to pay my rent, and I am sick of owing John so much money. And I am sick of working so much and not seeing any reward to it, and I am sick of not having someone I can talk to who I know won’t care what I say without being disappointed in me, and I am sick of my job and the people there. And if it weren’t for the pay I would leave already. I am going to snap soon and I already know it. Another reason I am going to graveyard hopefully nest week.
I am sick of people wanting more for me then I want for myself. I am sick of WORKING WITH JOHN! I am sick of be sick of things.
And now I am sick of myself.
Naomi
I want to go to college next year. I really want to. I am tired of just wasting my life doing nothing. Tyler’s dad was asking me when I graduated, and I felt like an idiot. Two years ago now... And I still haven’t done anything with my life. He kind of made a joke about my pay per hour and I said “well, it’s not as much as you make, but for not going to college it is okay” and then Ty’s aunt was asking about why I don’t look into becoming a nurse, which I am looking into... But I would want to go to Eastern.
Not just because Tyler is there, though that is a major plus, but because I hate YVCC. Maybe I should just visit Spokane, fill out applications and move there in December. It’s what Tyler and I talked about before, but I don’t know if the offer is still there. I am sick of Yakima, and sick of a lot of stuff here. And another thing, lately I have been wanting to go back to church or cut out all Christians completely. I feel like I am right on the line and need to decide. I think a good thing for me would be completely getting away from family and friends that I have here and spreading me wings to becoming my own person.
I feel like everyone has expectations for me that aren’t my own and I am trying too hard to be what people want and it sucks.
I’ve always maintained that I am my own person and do what I want... But at times I feel fake. I feel like people think too highly of me or to lowly and I feel like I am just bringing myself down right now. I wish some people would just leave me alone...
And for someone who doesn’t care what people think. I am finding that it hurts more and more with all these thoughts people have for me that make me out to be such a bad person. Even my friends. I know I can be a real bitch at times, but I never thought I was that bad. I don’t even know who or what I am anymore. And this is just the beginning of my problems.
I am starting to have feelings for one of my friends, and it is really scary because I adore this friend and never thought of them as a possibility for anything more then “Friend” and now I’m just confused to too many things and the timing sucks because I already have so many things going on and grr. Life just sucks right now... And I need a vacation. And I need to see Matthew and talk to him in person about crap. And well. I just need and want a lot of things.
I am sick of scrapping by month to month hoping I’ll make enough money to pay my rent, and I am sick of owing John so much money. And I am sick of working so much and not seeing any reward to it, and I am sick of not having someone I can talk to who I know won’t care what I say without being disappointed in me, and I am sick of my job and the people there. And if it weren’t for the pay I would leave already. I am going to snap soon and I already know it. Another reason I am going to graveyard hopefully nest week.
I am sick of people wanting more for me then I want for myself. I am sick of WORKING WITH JOHN! I am sick of be sick of things.
And now I am sick of myself.
Naomi