SG1 Joins a Cult
Greetings all! It's time for yet another cracky SG-1 picspam. Good times, good times. This picspam is the real story of what happened during Seth, the cracktacular season 3 episode featuring: cults, Jacob, drugs, undercover ops, and the lovely scenery of Vancouver. Enjoy!
All caps from teh gateworld and spoilers through season 3 mainly.
Sam: OK, guys, I’m serious, don’t tell my Dad stupid stories about me. And ignore the embarrassing ones he’ll tell about me. And Daniel, don’t talk politics with him. And Teal’c, don’t diss the Tok’ra. And Colonel ... well ... how about none of you talk to my dad at all, OK?
Jack: *smirk*
Daniel: Oh, whatever Sam, we all get along super! I don’t know what your problem is.
Teal’c: Perhaps it is because the last time we worked with Jacob Carter he entertained us with stories from Major Carter’s youth and O’Neill managed to inform Jacob Carter that his daughter had tried the substance marijuana during our Time Traveling Adventure in 1969.
Jack: Teal’c! Shut up. I’m gonna get along with Jacob much better this time. He’ll totally love me
Daniel: hahahaha. haha. ha.
Sam: No one should work with their parents. Seriously.
Daniel: Oh, but in Ancient Mesopotamia....
Jack: Shut up, Daniel!
Finally, Jacob arrives
Jacob: George, yahoos who work with my daughter, and Sam!
Daniel: Uh, good to see you Jacob.
Teal’c: Indeed
Jack: Dad! How’s it going..
Jacob: Jack. So what’s this I hear about Sam taking out Hathor?
Daniel: Uh, well we helped ...
Jacob: Yes, you assisted Sam. My kid’s a winner!
Sam: Da-ad, you’re so super embarrassing!
Jacob: Well you’re my only daughter, a fact your CO seems to forget since he keeps getting you captured by goa’uld.
Sam: zomg, Dad!
Jack: But you were just praising SG1! And I am SG1, so therefore you were praising me.
Daniel: Way to be Louis XIV there Jack, sheesh.
Jacob: No, I was praising Sam for getting out of a situation, not you for getting into one.
Jack: Er, touché Jacob.
Jacob: This conversation doesn’t really merit a touché
Jack: Yes, but I have a touche expression right now, so touché to you, sir.
Fun fact: Jack was really quite anxious about his relationship with Jacob since his 50 part plan to win over Carter kept stalling out at the “make nice with her relatives” portion of things.
Equally fun fact: Jacob was well aware of Jack’s desire to win him over and totally enjoyed messing with him.
Room of Exposition
Jacob: Look what I brought kids: it’s a Goa’uld family pyramid!
Jack and Daniel: Oooh
Teal’c: Most impressive.
Yet another fun fact: Jacob glared at Jack when he tried to sit near Sam, so Jack rolled his chair over by Daniel and Sam ended up with an entire side of the table all to herself.
Sam: Well this is cool Dad, but what does this have to do with a goa’uld on Earth?
Daniel: *is mesmerized*
Jacob: Nothing actually, I just thought this was neat and that you’d like it. Only the best for my little girl!
George: Jake, you really need to tone down the whole “making up for lost time” impulse, seriously.
Jacob: Right, so the reason I came is because there’s some crazy goa’uld named Seth has set up shop in Vancouver and has started some sort of hippie weirdo cult. Damn hippies. Always causing problems. We need to shut this punk down.
Jack: Uh, yeah, damn hippies! Can’t stand ‘em. Nearly went bananas traveling around in a hippie van during our Time Traveling Adventure mission
Jacob: Yes, please remind me of the time you nearly STRANDED MY DAUGHTER IN THE PAST AND ...
Selmak: Er, please excuse Jacob. Hippies really do agitate him.
Daniel: So does Jack
Sam: zomg!
Selmak: Ahem. I have to stay vigilant to prevent Jacob from stroking out at our tok’ra Crystal Cave Commune Meetings, where we read aloud from anti-goa’uld pamphlets, engage in cleansing Group Criticism rituals, and conclude with a Poetry Slam.
Daniel: zomg, the Tok’ra really ARE like Fraggles!
Sam: I know right?
Teal’c: Most goa’uld find the Tok’ra anti-establishment, communist ways to be aggravating. It is curious that Seth would embrace the commune lifestyle.
Selmak: Well, Seth is a tool and apparently took the whole “cult of personality” idea a bit too literally. Next thing you know he and his followers are wearing robes, doing heavy duty drugs, and mixing up the doomsday kool-aide.
Daniel: So why exactly are we tracking down this guy? He sounds kind of harmless.
Jacob: Let me talk Selmak, geez! We’re going after this hippie weirdo cause he’s a ‘GOA’ULD that’s why! And he is also is stockpiling weapons now.
Jack: Yeah, let’s go kick his glowy-eyed ass!
Jacob: *rolls eyes*
Sam: *rolls eyes*
Daniel: haha, Jack just got dissed by the Carters.
After the briefing the boys of SG1 scramble away to Daniel’s lab since Jacob stared them all down. Jacob and his daughter proceed at a more leisurely pace.
Sam: Dad, you’ve got to stop being so overprotective and embarrassing!
Jacob: I don’t know what you mean, sweetie.
Sam: Gah. Just stop glaring at my team, OK? They’re super cool.
Jacob: I just don’t want you running around with the wrong crowd.
Sam: I’m not running around with the wrong crowd!
Jacob: Well, you’ve been staying out pretty late young lady.
Sam: Working. Daniel works later than I do sometimes.
Jacob: And if Daniel jumped off a cliff would you too?
Sam: Da-ad
Jacob: *Is stern*
Sam: *pouts*
So the Carters arrive at Daniel’s office
Daniel: Guys, I’m on the interweb, and I did a yahoo search and found out that Seth has a geocities page!
Jacob: A what?
Sam: Duh Dad, it’s a website. What’s on it Daniel?
Daniel: Well there’s some x-files and buffy fanscripts of really bad quality. I mean, just atrocious.
Sam: For reals? Super lame.
Daniel: Oh I know! He tried to write a sequel to that one episode where Mulder goes to Russia and it read like that guy’s script in Jose Chung
Sam: haha! Email it to me so I can mock it
Daniel: For sure, we need to have another X-files marathon too, I’m totally behind on the latest eps
Jack: Uh, what are you weirdos talking about?
Teal’c: The X-Files, O’Neill. Daniel Jackson and Captain Carter are ardent fans. I too consider myself a fan and a “shipper.”
Jack: Well, why am I not included in this? Carter invites me for movie night, I want to come over for the X-Files too
Jacob: You shouldn’t be socializing with my daughter!
Sam: *needs diversion* Uh, Teal’c why don’t you tell everyone one of your awesome jokes!
Teal’c: Indeed. So two muffins are in an oven ....
*a few minutes later*
Teal’c: And the first muffin said, “holy smokes, a talking muffin!” hahaha!
Everyone: Uh...
Teal’c: You pathetic humans don’t understand humor.
Sam: *mutters* Thanks for taking one for the team there buddy. I’d prefer to not have my dad kill my ... CO.
Daniel: Hello, can we get back to my interweb searching skills now?
Jacob: Which were useless! All we know is that Seth is a loser!
Daniel: Actually, we know exactly where he is and what he’s up to!
Sam: Wow, good job Daniel! See, Dad, my friends are cool. So there.
Daniel: Uh, sure. See, Seth is running a couples therapy retreat/cult up in Vancouver. He branched out from his initial religious cult cause he needed some cash. He also teaches acting classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So we just need to infiltrate his retreat and take him out!
Jack: This is a great idea - Carter and I will go undercover at the couples retreat, with, uh, the rest of SG1 of course, uhm.
Sam: WTF
Jacob: *glares*
Daniel: hoo boy.
So SG1 plus Dad take off for Vancouver, which look suspiciously like Off World. And Colorado Springs. And EVERYTHING ELSE EVER! Alien conspiracy, for sure.
Random Dad: I’m trying to find mah boy!
Jack: Uh, no one cares about you, go away.
Teal’c: I believe we are being spied upon, as in that one episode of the X-Files where Scully was driven mad by the television and evil conspirators posed as power line repairmen.
Daniel: Oh that episode was super shippy!
Jack: Why am I not in the X-Files club? This sucks!
Alas, Teal’c could not inform Jack that the real reason he was excluded from the club was because shippy X-files discussions invariably led to discussions of Jack and Sam and Sam would rather not have Jack present for those.
Back to the people who actually matter. The Sheriff told them all where to hunt for Seth, and Seth’s large billboard and neon lights also helped lead the way. Random Dad decided to stalk everyone.
Daniel: Sam, why are we wearing this crap? We’re not off ... somewhere else. Dude, this random guy is cramping my style. I can’t talk about stuff!
Sam: Ugh, I know, he needs to go away.
Random Dad: I can hear you.
Sam: That was the idea, random guy. We’re an exclusive, super cool clique, OK? We don’t let just anyone in. Even my Dad had to undergo a vetting process.
Jacob: What the hell? I should have automatically been in the clique!
Teal’c: Our standards are very exacting.
Jack: Will you people shut up! Except Jacob, of course. You can talk as much as you want Jake! Uh...
Fun fact: Jack would rather not have Jacob hear about the vetting process, since Jack himself initially wanted to exclude him, if only so he could leapfrog the whole win over Carter’s relatives phase of his 50 Part Plan and move on to bigger and better things, like extending invites to go fishing and wooing her with jello.
Sam: And to answer your question Daniel, we’re wearing our uniforms cause we look cool. Better than these cult weirdos at any rate. Are you getting this, Sir?
Jack: Yeah, these people look ridiculous. What’s with the hoods? Oh, and they seem to have, uh, special weapons too. Could be a problem.
Random Dad: Where’s mah boy?
Jack: Oy. OK, fall back team. We need to strategize.
Jacob: I would have suggested that 2 minutes ago, Colonel.
Sam: Da-ad, you’re such a general.
Armed Feds: FREEZE ASSHOLES!
SG1 plus Jacob: Crap
So while the Feds sort everything out after Jack calls his BFF, the POTUS, SG1 plus Jacob have a group pow-wow.
Jack: So how are we going to get into this place? It’s like Fort Knox with Zat guns there.
Daniel: I think we should just join for real!
Teal’c: *eyebrow*
Daniel: No, really, I picked up a brochure from that Annoying Dad and Seth also does team building seminars. I think we could really benefit from this!
Teal’c: I believe that Mulder and Scully conspired to avoid such a function lest they be forced to stack furniture.
Jack: Well I know one thing we’re doing when we get back - you are all coming to my house to watch the X-Files. I’m sick of all these inside joke things!
Teal’c: But O’Neill, you and Captain Carter have far more “inside jokes” than the rest of us. For instance ...
Sam: WOW I just had a super idea! Um, we should totally do Daniel’s plan. Yes. Mass undercover operation.
Jacob: Today is couples therapy day, according to the schedule.
Jack: *sigh* Well I GUESS Carter and I can do it. Since we’re the trained military personnel here and all.
Sam: *cough* Uh, yeah I mean I guess we could. Whatever.
Jack: Duty to our country.
Sam: Blah blah, honor.
Daniel: But I wanted to go too! Come on, you guys have to take me!
Jacob: No one is going anywhere posing as a couple!
Sam: Da-ad, you’re ruining our super cool undercover operation!
Daniel: Yeah, Jacob, quit ruining things!
So the group pow-wow breaks up and SG1 plus Jacob goes out into a field to look for a super seekrit way into Seth’s Facility. Cause breaking in places is way cooler than just going up and knocking.
And now, for facial expressions with the Carters. After Jack suggested breaking in, in an effort to impress Jacob with how cool he is, the Carter's were...
Irritated!
Confused!
And finally, grudgingly accepting
Jack: WTF
Finally, everyone heads off to search for a super seekrit entrance to Seth's compound.
Jacob: So Sammie
Sam: Stop calling me that!
Jacob: Fine, SAMANTHA, Selmak and I had an idea
Sam: You mean you have an idea that I probably won’t like and you’re acting like Selmak thought of it.
Jacob: NO. Ok, the idea is that you come live with me and the Tok’ra and we’ll have our own Dad-Daughter Goa’uld fighting team!
Sam: Uh, wow. What prompted this?
Jacob: Sammie, your teammates are shifty. You could do better.
Sam: Da-ad, my team is super awesome. And very trustworthy. Everyone is always vigilant and professional, ok?
Teal’c: Daniel Jackson, I am afraid that I do not see your spare pair of glasses.
Daniel: Well, keep looking! I wouldn't have dropped them if Jack hadn't shoved me!
Jack: I didn't shove you! And I told you to get contacts!
Daniel: You can’t force me to get contacts, I’m not under your command.
Jack: Shut up, you totally are. I’m just a nice commander is all.
Teal’c: *cough cough*
Jack: Something to add, T?
Teal’c: No, O’Neill, I was merely clearing my throat.
Sam: zomg
Jack: Hey look, a ninja turtle hole!
Sam: We could fit down there. I bet it leads to Seth’s compound. Conveniently.
Jack: Ah, this reminds me of one of my super exciting secret missions from back in the day. Did I mention I’m practically like the James Bond of the air force, Jacob?
Jacob: James Bond probably wouldn’t go around ANNOUNCING that he’s a spy.
Jack: Er, just trying to make conversation. And not everyone from black-ops is a lunatic. I mean, I’m nothing like that Jonas guy, just saying. Uh.
Sam: *zomg, what is the matter with him?? shut up you idiot, my Dad doesn’t know about Jonas!*
Jack: *Why is Carter giving me the death glare? I’m just trying to get in Dad’s good graces!*
Jacob: Who the hell is Jonas?
Sam: Uh, Teal’c how about you tell us another joke? It’ll pass the time while we head back to the Feds.
Teal’c: I am happy to oblige. Two Jaffa went down the frozen foods aisle of a grocery store.
Daniel: Oh, no.
On the way back to the Feds, Sam had a brilliant idea. An idea relating to the mission. She also had five non-mission related brilliant ideas, which was normal for Sam, who thought of something brilliant approximately once every 2 minutes.
Teal’c: So the first Jaffa said, what are you, a gay fish? hahaha!
Everyone else: Uh....
Sam: Anywho, we’ll wear these ear pieces and then Dad will administer a small electric shock to clear our heads of any drugs Seth might slip us. Teal’c and Dad will have to stay behind because Seth might sense their, uh, special condition.
Jacob: Let’s try it out now! *administers a shock*
Daniel: Ow!! Jesus, Jacob!
Jack: Fu...dge. Fudge. I’m, uh, hungry. owowow.
Sam: All righty, glad that test worked. I’ll put my ear piece in now. heh.
Daniel: You suck, Sam.
So Sam, Jack, and Daniel all head down the ninja turtle hole to complete their super secret undercover mission. The plan: infiltrate Seth’s compound, be badass, and save the day. And pretend to be there for couples therapy only if necessary (Jacob’s stipulation).
Daniel: So I was reading the brochure more thoroughly and I really think we could benefit from a team building seminar!
Sam: With Seth?
Daniel: No, just in general. It will strengthen our communication and help us to build stronger relationships.
Jack: Our communication is just fine. For example, right now I want you to shut up, so I will say “Shut the hell up, Daniel.” There, we communicated.
Sam: Col-nel.
Jack: Did you just whine at me?
Sam: NO. Maybe. It’s cause my Dad’s in town! He’s driving me nuts!
Jack: *desperate to change the subject since he was worried that Sam would remember how he accidentally brought up her dead, psychotic, and apparently secret fiance earlier* Uh, so what do you know about Seth Daniel? Aside from his interweb page.
Sam: *sigh* It’s a webpage, Sir. And it’s the internet, not interweb.
Jack: Are you sure?
Sam: zomg.
Daniel: Guys, this is why we need a team building thing, you two never listen when I try to tell you pertinent historical information! For example, in ancient times Seth had a harem and a lot of eunuchs hanging around.
Sam and Jack: WHAT??
Daniel: Uh, not a good conversation topic?
Sam: Um, no.
Jack: So how do we get out of here? Oh, wait.
Ring transporter tiem!
Seth: Welcome to my compound! You are aware that we have a front door, no?
Daniel: Um, we got lost.
Seth: Well that is all right. Seth is benevolent!
Followers: All hail Seth.
SG1: WTF
Seth: So I see you are here for the theatrical seminar. The THEATER is a noble calling! Are you three auditioning for the latest JAG episode? I see you are already in character! But, my THEATER classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Today is couples therapy day.
Jack: Well, we’re here for that.
Seth: The THREE of you? How delightfully interesting!
Jack: NO! No. Nooooo. No. No, no, no. No.
Daniel: He’s in denial. We’re all here together.
Sam: *whispers* zomg, my Dad can hear everything you are saying!
Daniel: Oh, God, I forgot. He’s going to kill me!
Jack: I’M going to kill you!
Seth: I sense much tension among you. Does this young lady’s father disapprove of your alternative lifestyle? Have no fear: Seth’s patented 5 Steps to a Successful Relationship will solve all your problems. Seth encourages equality in relationships - you must all learn to love one another separately before you can love one another collectively. The first step in the process is to cultivate the UST, possibly for years, before moving on to ambiguously consummating things. It’s good for TV shows and real life!
Sam: That sounds like the worst idea ever.
Jack: I’ll say - what is this “years” business?
Seth: But first, you must accept Seth as your God - the power of Seth will help you improve your kinky three-way love!
Daniel: This mission is a total disaster. Just drug us already, and put us out of our collective misery.
Jack: I can’t believe we’re getting drugged AGAIN. Jacob is gonna kill me!
Sam: God I hope not.
Jack: ....
Sam: Uh, that was the drugs talking.
Daniel: The drugs haven’t taken effect yet.
Sam: Shhh! Dad will hear!
Seth: Wait, wait, wait, are you two SIBLINGS? This just gets better and better!
SG1: NO!
So SG1 imitated the aftermath of another infamous team night (complete with face planting).
Meanwhile, back at the command post.
Jacob: My daughter works with imbeciles.
Teal’c; SG1 is the best team ever. My teammates are just not very good at group undercover efforts.
Jacob: Well that’s an understatement!
Teal’c: Perhaps a joke will improve your spirits.
Jacob: T, I beg you. Lay off the jokes. What, did you and Sam arrange that as a method to distract me?
Teal’c: No comment.
So the next day, SG1 awoke to begin their life as followers of Seth.
Seth: Good morning, followers!
Followers: Good morning, Seth!
Seth: Today is of course our THEATER lessons, and we have a full schedule. We’ll be holding auditions for our latest Shakespeare production, and our newcomers will be a welcome addition to our performances. The power of the THEATER and the power of Seth will help them work out their dysfunctional three-way love!
Sam: *is drugged*
Daniel” *is digging cult life*
Jack: *is confused*
Seth: But wait, we have a dramatic plot twist! Who can tell me what that is?
Followers; All hail Seth!
Seth: *sigh* It’s so hard finding intelligent drugged followers. You, blonde girl, have you ever had a symbiot before? Be honest, now.
Sam: You’re ruining my awesome buzz man.
Seth: Hm. Perhaps you all weren’t auditioning for JAG after all. Perhaps you are SPIES! Bring them forward.
Teal’c: Jacob Carter, you must hurry and shock them into their senses!
Jacob: Hang on, I forgot which button to push. Damn earth technology. Oh, here we go.
SG1: Ow.
Seth: I guess we’ll have to have these three executed. Shame. Minion, do Seth’s bidding!
So SG1 manages to zat their escort and get him to help them take down Seth.
Jack: Thanks for the help kid. First thing though: we are never ever going to speak of what happened yesterday ever again. Clear?
Sam: Yes, sir.
Daniel: Definitely.
Kid: Huh? And what’s going on? Why am I in a robe? Where’s mah pa?
Sam: That sounds suspiciously familiar.
Daniel: Uh, your name isn’t Tommy is it?
Tommy: Yeah, how did you know?
Jack: Good grief.
Sam: Let’s just go zat some people.
So SG1 zatted away and liberated the cult.
Sam went to help the ex-cult members escape and Jack and Daniel got cornered by Seth.
Seth: I should have known it was too good to be true! Three absurdly attractive new cult members involved in a kinky three way affair with theatrical aspirations! Was it all a lie?
Daniel: Well, you were correct in that there are some interesting vibes floating around us. See, we’re all on a team and we’re BFFs, along with our fourth alien team member. But certain members of the team are secretly in love with other members of the team, except everyone on the team is aware of it and the secret is really the worst kept secret ever, except the two people in question persist in acting like it IS a secret and...
Jack: DANIEL!
Daniel: Well, I’m sorry, Jack, that’s just how I feel about it, and I told you we needed some team building but you never listen to me!
Seth: Well this is getting old. *pwns them with hand device* Mwahaha. Seth shall now set a bomb with a timer in the room and leave, instead of zatting these pathetic humans a second time and killing them right now!
Jack and Daniel make a dramatic escape, natch, and Tommy gets reunited with his Pa.
Tommy: Mah Pa!
Random Dad: Mah boy!
Jacob: How did I get stuck in this crappy b-plot? God.
So Jacob goes down to the ninja turtle tunnels and tries to stop Seth from escaping, but he too gets pwned by a hand device.
Sam: Oh noes, Dad!
Jacob: It’s cool kid, now go kick Seth’s ass.
Sam: I can’t use this thing!
Jacob: You have the power within you!
Sam: Are you quoting Star Wars or something?
Jacob: .... No.
Sam: Hey, Seth, where ya going?
Seth: Prepare to die, pathetic human!
Sam: *pwns Seth*
Sam: Holy Hannah!
Daniel: Damn, Sam.
Jack: *gulps* Hail, Dorothy.
Daniel: Jack, that was horribly insensitive. I’m sure Sam is traumatized by her freaky tok’ra super powers!
Jack: No, I love the Wizard of Oz! I was commenting on how ho ... se ... uh, badass Carter is. You just called her freaky.
Daniel: No, I didn’t, I said her ability was freaky, which is true. Sam is perfectly normal. Well, maybe not normal. Ya know.
Sam: I’m still wearing this hand device.
Jack and Daniel: *shut up*
Sam: You both suck. I’m taking a California vacay with my Dad when we get back.
So the Carters go visit Sam’s long-lost accountant brother in California, which was having a weird cold spell. And also looked like Vancouver. The end.
Thanks for reading!
All caps from teh gateworld and spoilers through season 3 mainly.
Sam: OK, guys, I’m serious, don’t tell my Dad stupid stories about me. And ignore the embarrassing ones he’ll tell about me. And Daniel, don’t talk politics with him. And Teal’c, don’t diss the Tok’ra. And Colonel ... well ... how about none of you talk to my dad at all, OK?
Jack: *smirk*
Daniel: Oh, whatever Sam, we all get along super! I don’t know what your problem is.
Teal’c: Perhaps it is because the last time we worked with Jacob Carter he entertained us with stories from Major Carter’s youth and O’Neill managed to inform Jacob Carter that his daughter had tried the substance marijuana during our Time Traveling Adventure in 1969.
Jack: Teal’c! Shut up. I’m gonna get along with Jacob much better this time. He’ll totally love me
Daniel: hahahaha. haha. ha.
Sam: No one should work with their parents. Seriously.
Daniel: Oh, but in Ancient Mesopotamia....
Jack: Shut up, Daniel!
Finally, Jacob arrives
Jacob: George, yahoos who work with my daughter, and Sam!
Daniel: Uh, good to see you Jacob.
Teal’c: Indeed
Jack: Dad! How’s it going..
Jacob: Jack. So what’s this I hear about Sam taking out Hathor?
Daniel: Uh, well we helped ...
Jacob: Yes, you assisted Sam. My kid’s a winner!
Sam: Da-ad, you’re so super embarrassing!
Jacob: Well you’re my only daughter, a fact your CO seems to forget since he keeps getting you captured by goa’uld.
Sam: zomg, Dad!
Jack: But you were just praising SG1! And I am SG1, so therefore you were praising me.
Daniel: Way to be Louis XIV there Jack, sheesh.
Jacob: No, I was praising Sam for getting out of a situation, not you for getting into one.
Jack: Er, touché Jacob.
Jacob: This conversation doesn’t really merit a touché
Jack: Yes, but I have a touche expression right now, so touché to you, sir.
Fun fact: Jack was really quite anxious about his relationship with Jacob since his 50 part plan to win over Carter kept stalling out at the “make nice with her relatives” portion of things.
Equally fun fact: Jacob was well aware of Jack’s desire to win him over and totally enjoyed messing with him.
Room of Exposition
Jacob: Look what I brought kids: it’s a Goa’uld family pyramid!
Jack and Daniel: Oooh
Teal’c: Most impressive.
Yet another fun fact: Jacob glared at Jack when he tried to sit near Sam, so Jack rolled his chair over by Daniel and Sam ended up with an entire side of the table all to herself.
Sam: Well this is cool Dad, but what does this have to do with a goa’uld on Earth?
Daniel: *is mesmerized*
Jacob: Nothing actually, I just thought this was neat and that you’d like it. Only the best for my little girl!
George: Jake, you really need to tone down the whole “making up for lost time” impulse, seriously.
Jacob: Right, so the reason I came is because there’s some crazy goa’uld named Seth has set up shop in Vancouver and has started some sort of hippie weirdo cult. Damn hippies. Always causing problems. We need to shut this punk down.
Jack: Uh, yeah, damn hippies! Can’t stand ‘em. Nearly went bananas traveling around in a hippie van during our Time Traveling Adventure mission
Jacob: Yes, please remind me of the time you nearly STRANDED MY DAUGHTER IN THE PAST AND ...
Selmak: Er, please excuse Jacob. Hippies really do agitate him.
Daniel: So does Jack
Sam: zomg!
Selmak: Ahem. I have to stay vigilant to prevent Jacob from stroking out at our tok’ra Crystal Cave Commune Meetings, where we read aloud from anti-goa’uld pamphlets, engage in cleansing Group Criticism rituals, and conclude with a Poetry Slam.
Daniel: zomg, the Tok’ra really ARE like Fraggles!
Sam: I know right?
Teal’c: Most goa’uld find the Tok’ra anti-establishment, communist ways to be aggravating. It is curious that Seth would embrace the commune lifestyle.
Selmak: Well, Seth is a tool and apparently took the whole “cult of personality” idea a bit too literally. Next thing you know he and his followers are wearing robes, doing heavy duty drugs, and mixing up the doomsday kool-aide.
Daniel: So why exactly are we tracking down this guy? He sounds kind of harmless.
Jacob: Let me talk Selmak, geez! We’re going after this hippie weirdo cause he’s a ‘GOA’ULD that’s why! And he is also is stockpiling weapons now.
Jack: Yeah, let’s go kick his glowy-eyed ass!
Jacob: *rolls eyes*
Sam: *rolls eyes*
Daniel: haha, Jack just got dissed by the Carters.
After the briefing the boys of SG1 scramble away to Daniel’s lab since Jacob stared them all down. Jacob and his daughter proceed at a more leisurely pace.
Sam: Dad, you’ve got to stop being so overprotective and embarrassing!
Jacob: I don’t know what you mean, sweetie.
Sam: Gah. Just stop glaring at my team, OK? They’re super cool.
Jacob: I just don’t want you running around with the wrong crowd.
Sam: I’m not running around with the wrong crowd!
Jacob: Well, you’ve been staying out pretty late young lady.
Sam: Working. Daniel works later than I do sometimes.
Jacob: And if Daniel jumped off a cliff would you too?
Sam: Da-ad
Jacob: *Is stern*
Sam: *pouts*
So the Carters arrive at Daniel’s office
Daniel: Guys, I’m on the interweb, and I did a yahoo search and found out that Seth has a geocities page!
Jacob: A what?
Sam: Duh Dad, it’s a website. What’s on it Daniel?
Daniel: Well there’s some x-files and buffy fanscripts of really bad quality. I mean, just atrocious.
Sam: For reals? Super lame.
Daniel: Oh I know! He tried to write a sequel to that one episode where Mulder goes to Russia and it read like that guy’s script in Jose Chung
Sam: haha! Email it to me so I can mock it
Daniel: For sure, we need to have another X-files marathon too, I’m totally behind on the latest eps
Jack: Uh, what are you weirdos talking about?
Teal’c: The X-Files, O’Neill. Daniel Jackson and Captain Carter are ardent fans. I too consider myself a fan and a “shipper.”
Jack: Well, why am I not included in this? Carter invites me for movie night, I want to come over for the X-Files too
Jacob: You shouldn’t be socializing with my daughter!
Sam: *needs diversion* Uh, Teal’c why don’t you tell everyone one of your awesome jokes!
Teal’c: Indeed. So two muffins are in an oven ....
*a few minutes later*
Teal’c: And the first muffin said, “holy smokes, a talking muffin!” hahaha!
Everyone: Uh...
Teal’c: You pathetic humans don’t understand humor.
Sam: *mutters* Thanks for taking one for the team there buddy. I’d prefer to not have my dad kill my ... CO.
Daniel: Hello, can we get back to my interweb searching skills now?
Jacob: Which were useless! All we know is that Seth is a loser!
Daniel: Actually, we know exactly where he is and what he’s up to!
Sam: Wow, good job Daniel! See, Dad, my friends are cool. So there.
Daniel: Uh, sure. See, Seth is running a couples therapy retreat/cult up in Vancouver. He branched out from his initial religious cult cause he needed some cash. He also teaches acting classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So we just need to infiltrate his retreat and take him out!
Jack: This is a great idea - Carter and I will go undercover at the couples retreat, with, uh, the rest of SG1 of course, uhm.
Sam: WTF
Jacob: *glares*
Daniel: hoo boy.
So SG1 plus Dad take off for Vancouver, which look suspiciously like Off World. And Colorado Springs. And EVERYTHING ELSE EVER! Alien conspiracy, for sure.
Random Dad: I’m trying to find mah boy!
Jack: Uh, no one cares about you, go away.
Teal’c: I believe we are being spied upon, as in that one episode of the X-Files where Scully was driven mad by the television and evil conspirators posed as power line repairmen.
Daniel: Oh that episode was super shippy!
Jack: Why am I not in the X-Files club? This sucks!
Alas, Teal’c could not inform Jack that the real reason he was excluded from the club was because shippy X-files discussions invariably led to discussions of Jack and Sam and Sam would rather not have Jack present for those.
Back to the people who actually matter. The Sheriff told them all where to hunt for Seth, and Seth’s large billboard and neon lights also helped lead the way. Random Dad decided to stalk everyone.
Daniel: Sam, why are we wearing this crap? We’re not off ... somewhere else. Dude, this random guy is cramping my style. I can’t talk about stuff!
Sam: Ugh, I know, he needs to go away.
Random Dad: I can hear you.
Sam: That was the idea, random guy. We’re an exclusive, super cool clique, OK? We don’t let just anyone in. Even my Dad had to undergo a vetting process.
Jacob: What the hell? I should have automatically been in the clique!
Teal’c: Our standards are very exacting.
Jack: Will you people shut up! Except Jacob, of course. You can talk as much as you want Jake! Uh...
Fun fact: Jack would rather not have Jacob hear about the vetting process, since Jack himself initially wanted to exclude him, if only so he could leapfrog the whole win over Carter’s relatives phase of his 50 Part Plan and move on to bigger and better things, like extending invites to go fishing and wooing her with jello.
Sam: And to answer your question Daniel, we’re wearing our uniforms cause we look cool. Better than these cult weirdos at any rate. Are you getting this, Sir?
Jack: Yeah, these people look ridiculous. What’s with the hoods? Oh, and they seem to have, uh, special weapons too. Could be a problem.
Random Dad: Where’s mah boy?
Jack: Oy. OK, fall back team. We need to strategize.
Jacob: I would have suggested that 2 minutes ago, Colonel.
Sam: Da-ad, you’re such a general.
Armed Feds: FREEZE ASSHOLES!
SG1 plus Jacob: Crap
So while the Feds sort everything out after Jack calls his BFF, the POTUS, SG1 plus Jacob have a group pow-wow.
Jack: So how are we going to get into this place? It’s like Fort Knox with Zat guns there.
Daniel: I think we should just join for real!
Teal’c: *eyebrow*
Daniel: No, really, I picked up a brochure from that Annoying Dad and Seth also does team building seminars. I think we could really benefit from this!
Teal’c: I believe that Mulder and Scully conspired to avoid such a function lest they be forced to stack furniture.
Jack: Well I know one thing we’re doing when we get back - you are all coming to my house to watch the X-Files. I’m sick of all these inside joke things!
Teal’c: But O’Neill, you and Captain Carter have far more “inside jokes” than the rest of us. For instance ...
Sam: WOW I just had a super idea! Um, we should totally do Daniel’s plan. Yes. Mass undercover operation.
Jacob: Today is couples therapy day, according to the schedule.
Jack: *sigh* Well I GUESS Carter and I can do it. Since we’re the trained military personnel here and all.
Sam: *cough* Uh, yeah I mean I guess we could. Whatever.
Jack: Duty to our country.
Sam: Blah blah, honor.
Daniel: But I wanted to go too! Come on, you guys have to take me!
Jacob: No one is going anywhere posing as a couple!
Sam: Da-ad, you’re ruining our super cool undercover operation!
Daniel: Yeah, Jacob, quit ruining things!
So the group pow-wow breaks up and SG1 plus Jacob goes out into a field to look for a super seekrit way into Seth’s Facility. Cause breaking in places is way cooler than just going up and knocking.
And now, for facial expressions with the Carters. After Jack suggested breaking in, in an effort to impress Jacob with how cool he is, the Carter's were...
Irritated!
Confused!
And finally, grudgingly accepting
Jack: WTF
Finally, everyone heads off to search for a super seekrit entrance to Seth's compound.
Jacob: So Sammie
Sam: Stop calling me that!
Jacob: Fine, SAMANTHA, Selmak and I had an idea
Sam: You mean you have an idea that I probably won’t like and you’re acting like Selmak thought of it.
Jacob: NO. Ok, the idea is that you come live with me and the Tok’ra and we’ll have our own Dad-Daughter Goa’uld fighting team!
Sam: Uh, wow. What prompted this?
Jacob: Sammie, your teammates are shifty. You could do better.
Sam: Da-ad, my team is super awesome. And very trustworthy. Everyone is always vigilant and professional, ok?
Teal’c: Daniel Jackson, I am afraid that I do not see your spare pair of glasses.
Daniel: Well, keep looking! I wouldn't have dropped them if Jack hadn't shoved me!
Jack: I didn't shove you! And I told you to get contacts!
Daniel: You can’t force me to get contacts, I’m not under your command.
Jack: Shut up, you totally are. I’m just a nice commander is all.
Teal’c: *cough cough*
Jack: Something to add, T?
Teal’c: No, O’Neill, I was merely clearing my throat.
Sam: zomg
Jack: Hey look, a ninja turtle hole!
Sam: We could fit down there. I bet it leads to Seth’s compound. Conveniently.
Jack: Ah, this reminds me of one of my super exciting secret missions from back in the day. Did I mention I’m practically like the James Bond of the air force, Jacob?
Jacob: James Bond probably wouldn’t go around ANNOUNCING that he’s a spy.
Jack: Er, just trying to make conversation. And not everyone from black-ops is a lunatic. I mean, I’m nothing like that Jonas guy, just saying. Uh.
Sam: *zomg, what is the matter with him?? shut up you idiot, my Dad doesn’t know about Jonas!*
Jack: *Why is Carter giving me the death glare? I’m just trying to get in Dad’s good graces!*
Jacob: Who the hell is Jonas?
Sam: Uh, Teal’c how about you tell us another joke? It’ll pass the time while we head back to the Feds.
Teal’c: I am happy to oblige. Two Jaffa went down the frozen foods aisle of a grocery store.
Daniel: Oh, no.
On the way back to the Feds, Sam had a brilliant idea. An idea relating to the mission. She also had five non-mission related brilliant ideas, which was normal for Sam, who thought of something brilliant approximately once every 2 minutes.
Teal’c: So the first Jaffa said, what are you, a gay fish? hahaha!
Everyone else: Uh....
Sam: Anywho, we’ll wear these ear pieces and then Dad will administer a small electric shock to clear our heads of any drugs Seth might slip us. Teal’c and Dad will have to stay behind because Seth might sense their, uh, special condition.
Jacob: Let’s try it out now! *administers a shock*
Daniel: Ow!! Jesus, Jacob!
Jack: Fu...dge. Fudge. I’m, uh, hungry. owowow.
Sam: All righty, glad that test worked. I’ll put my ear piece in now. heh.
Daniel: You suck, Sam.
So Sam, Jack, and Daniel all head down the ninja turtle hole to complete their super secret undercover mission. The plan: infiltrate Seth’s compound, be badass, and save the day. And pretend to be there for couples therapy only if necessary (Jacob’s stipulation).
Daniel: So I was reading the brochure more thoroughly and I really think we could benefit from a team building seminar!
Sam: With Seth?
Daniel: No, just in general. It will strengthen our communication and help us to build stronger relationships.
Jack: Our communication is just fine. For example, right now I want you to shut up, so I will say “Shut the hell up, Daniel.” There, we communicated.
Sam: Col-nel.
Jack: Did you just whine at me?
Sam: NO. Maybe. It’s cause my Dad’s in town! He’s driving me nuts!
Jack: *desperate to change the subject since he was worried that Sam would remember how he accidentally brought up her dead, psychotic, and apparently secret fiance earlier* Uh, so what do you know about Seth Daniel? Aside from his interweb page.
Sam: *sigh* It’s a webpage, Sir. And it’s the internet, not interweb.
Jack: Are you sure?
Sam: zomg.
Daniel: Guys, this is why we need a team building thing, you two never listen when I try to tell you pertinent historical information! For example, in ancient times Seth had a harem and a lot of eunuchs hanging around.
Sam and Jack: WHAT??
Daniel: Uh, not a good conversation topic?
Sam: Um, no.
Jack: So how do we get out of here? Oh, wait.
Ring transporter tiem!
Seth: Welcome to my compound! You are aware that we have a front door, no?
Daniel: Um, we got lost.
Seth: Well that is all right. Seth is benevolent!
Followers: All hail Seth.
SG1: WTF
Seth: So I see you are here for the theatrical seminar. The THEATER is a noble calling! Are you three auditioning for the latest JAG episode? I see you are already in character! But, my THEATER classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Today is couples therapy day.
Jack: Well, we’re here for that.
Seth: The THREE of you? How delightfully interesting!
Jack: NO! No. Nooooo. No. No, no, no. No.
Daniel: He’s in denial. We’re all here together.
Sam: *whispers* zomg, my Dad can hear everything you are saying!
Daniel: Oh, God, I forgot. He’s going to kill me!
Jack: I’M going to kill you!
Seth: I sense much tension among you. Does this young lady’s father disapprove of your alternative lifestyle? Have no fear: Seth’s patented 5 Steps to a Successful Relationship will solve all your problems. Seth encourages equality in relationships - you must all learn to love one another separately before you can love one another collectively. The first step in the process is to cultivate the UST, possibly for years, before moving on to ambiguously consummating things. It’s good for TV shows and real life!
Sam: That sounds like the worst idea ever.
Jack: I’ll say - what is this “years” business?
Seth: But first, you must accept Seth as your God - the power of Seth will help you improve your kinky three-way love!
Daniel: This mission is a total disaster. Just drug us already, and put us out of our collective misery.
Jack: I can’t believe we’re getting drugged AGAIN. Jacob is gonna kill me!
Sam: God I hope not.
Jack: ....
Sam: Uh, that was the drugs talking.
Daniel: The drugs haven’t taken effect yet.
Sam: Shhh! Dad will hear!
Seth: Wait, wait, wait, are you two SIBLINGS? This just gets better and better!
SG1: NO!
So SG1 imitated the aftermath of another infamous team night (complete with face planting).
Meanwhile, back at the command post.
Jacob: My daughter works with imbeciles.
Teal’c; SG1 is the best team ever. My teammates are just not very good at group undercover efforts.
Jacob: Well that’s an understatement!
Teal’c: Perhaps a joke will improve your spirits.
Jacob: T, I beg you. Lay off the jokes. What, did you and Sam arrange that as a method to distract me?
Teal’c: No comment.
So the next day, SG1 awoke to begin their life as followers of Seth.
Seth: Good morning, followers!
Followers: Good morning, Seth!
Seth: Today is of course our THEATER lessons, and we have a full schedule. We’ll be holding auditions for our latest Shakespeare production, and our newcomers will be a welcome addition to our performances. The power of the THEATER and the power of Seth will help them work out their dysfunctional three-way love!
Sam: *is drugged*
Daniel” *is digging cult life*
Jack: *is confused*
Seth: But wait, we have a dramatic plot twist! Who can tell me what that is?
Followers; All hail Seth!
Seth: *sigh* It’s so hard finding intelligent drugged followers. You, blonde girl, have you ever had a symbiot before? Be honest, now.
Sam: You’re ruining my awesome buzz man.
Seth: Hm. Perhaps you all weren’t auditioning for JAG after all. Perhaps you are SPIES! Bring them forward.
Teal’c: Jacob Carter, you must hurry and shock them into their senses!
Jacob: Hang on, I forgot which button to push. Damn earth technology. Oh, here we go.
SG1: Ow.
Seth: I guess we’ll have to have these three executed. Shame. Minion, do Seth’s bidding!
So SG1 manages to zat their escort and get him to help them take down Seth.
Jack: Thanks for the help kid. First thing though: we are never ever going to speak of what happened yesterday ever again. Clear?
Sam: Yes, sir.
Daniel: Definitely.
Kid: Huh? And what’s going on? Why am I in a robe? Where’s mah pa?
Sam: That sounds suspiciously familiar.
Daniel: Uh, your name isn’t Tommy is it?
Tommy: Yeah, how did you know?
Jack: Good grief.
Sam: Let’s just go zat some people.
So SG1 zatted away and liberated the cult.
Sam went to help the ex-cult members escape and Jack and Daniel got cornered by Seth.
Seth: I should have known it was too good to be true! Three absurdly attractive new cult members involved in a kinky three way affair with theatrical aspirations! Was it all a lie?
Daniel: Well, you were correct in that there are some interesting vibes floating around us. See, we’re all on a team and we’re BFFs, along with our fourth alien team member. But certain members of the team are secretly in love with other members of the team, except everyone on the team is aware of it and the secret is really the worst kept secret ever, except the two people in question persist in acting like it IS a secret and...
Jack: DANIEL!
Daniel: Well, I’m sorry, Jack, that’s just how I feel about it, and I told you we needed some team building but you never listen to me!
Seth: Well this is getting old. *pwns them with hand device* Mwahaha. Seth shall now set a bomb with a timer in the room and leave, instead of zatting these pathetic humans a second time and killing them right now!
Jack and Daniel make a dramatic escape, natch, and Tommy gets reunited with his Pa.
Tommy: Mah Pa!
Random Dad: Mah boy!
Jacob: How did I get stuck in this crappy b-plot? God.
So Jacob goes down to the ninja turtle tunnels and tries to stop Seth from escaping, but he too gets pwned by a hand device.
Sam: Oh noes, Dad!
Jacob: It’s cool kid, now go kick Seth’s ass.
Sam: I can’t use this thing!
Jacob: You have the power within you!
Sam: Are you quoting Star Wars or something?
Jacob: .... No.
Sam: Hey, Seth, where ya going?
Seth: Prepare to die, pathetic human!
Sam: *pwns Seth*
Sam: Holy Hannah!
Daniel: Damn, Sam.
Jack: *gulps* Hail, Dorothy.
Daniel: Jack, that was horribly insensitive. I’m sure Sam is traumatized by her freaky tok’ra super powers!
Jack: No, I love the Wizard of Oz! I was commenting on how ho ... se ... uh, badass Carter is. You just called her freaky.
Daniel: No, I didn’t, I said her ability was freaky, which is true. Sam is perfectly normal. Well, maybe not normal. Ya know.
Sam: I’m still wearing this hand device.
Jack and Daniel: *shut up*
Sam: You both suck. I’m taking a California vacay with my Dad when we get back.
So the Carters go visit Sam’s long-lost accountant brother in California, which was having a weird cold spell. And also looked like Vancouver. The end.
Thanks for reading!